Met a guy, been dating him, it turns out (I think) he has a hidden life of promiscuity. Help me figure out what to do next.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
TL;DR: He's a great guy in lots of ways so far. I found online fetish / casual sex profiles that are active and indicate a promiscuous lifestyle. Where do I go from here?
I'm a 34F, met a 33M. We're from the same general social group and have lots in common, it was a fairly obvious match for dating. We're attracted to each other. He came on very strong and seems to like me.
He told me about a previous interest in kink, and that plus my gut feeling made me inclined to look for him on FetLife. Found a profile that I think matches him, and profiles under the same name on collarme, bondage.com, and okc. He is extroverted and effective at work and it seems he brings that to his sex life as well - he leads an anonymous encounters group and seems to have a very active and promiscuous sex life with a lot of women, many younger. He dates outside of our city in the neighboring towns. He's been active (liking photos, commenting, etc.) since the time we've started dating.
Fwiw, he and I have good attraction to each other, and in fact I look like his physical type based on his porn blog and liked photos. Well, at least until I'm old...
Just putting that out there.
He told me he was kinky. That's not the problem. Our kinks are compatible. The problem is that this very active sexuality seems to have overlapped with his past relationships, and his okc questions admit to infidelity. The okc profile and the other say he's looking for NSA casual sex. The recent, active promiscuity makes me think he's not compatible for a long term committed relationship.
This guy and I share a significant part of our history, and are compatible on a number of practical life matters. I don't know how to process and broach what I saw. The profiles might not be his, but my gut feeling is that they are. The unusual features match (hobbies, 6'4'' height, exact weight, age, high income, specific unusual kinks, sports teams he likes obsessively, general tone of the profile).
This guy treats me well, is compatible, and 95% of the day, is an upstanding person. Doesn't drink, has healthy habits, does well at work, exercises, has a clean apartment, volunteers, etc. Outside of this, in day to day ways, I like him a lot on many dimensions. He's someone I'd otherwise consider for marriage.
As to my personality -- I have had some sex addiction problem myself, and sexuality (plus maybe a bit of laziness/sloth) is my one vice. I have spent long periods of time celibate because I can be insatiable and spend a lot of energy/time/money once I get mixed up in sexuality. I've had some casual and anonymous sex, but nothing close to the level of this guy. However, that's in my past. I have lived with some very solid limits on my sexuality for about 5 years... or more. Also I'm a female... I have less general power in the world. I have less capacity to endanger someone, leaving them old, penniless, and humiliated with my promiscuity. I think that a woman's sex addiction problem doesn't really get into the same levels of potential harm as a man's... at least not mine. Not that the comparison matters.
I am looking at this situation and I just don't know what to do with it. We met up Saturday, he didn't contact me until yesterday, and I sent him a "Let's talk" text. He responded with something nice about how he's had a busy week... when I told him last week that things were moving too fast between us physically, he planned an afternoon outing for us to spend some friendship time together. He's healthy, engaged, easy to talk to, etc. Probably the same qualities that would make him able to seduce dozens of women.
A lot of what I fear about his hidden lifestyle is speculation on my part... but historically, my gut feeling has not been wrong. And the writing is there on the wall. These profiles are real and active and I can look through a 3 year history of his activity. I also know what he's like with me physically, and that definitely gives the impression of someone who is super experienced and somewhat more casual about sex than me.
I was recently looking at articles about Silda Spitzer (long suffering wife of lecherous Eliot Spitzer, now divorced) and Huma Abedin (similar). The things that terrify me: Being that woman. Humiliation. Regret. Not having the energy to participate in the rest of my life because I'm putting up with someone else's draining promiscuity. Giving the best years of my life to a self-serving powerful douchebag and ending up alone, divorced, and sad at an inconvenient age like 55 (like the ex Mrs Spitzer). That the writing was on the wall. I feel like I'm at a fork in the road and I want to make the best decision for myself. I am not sure if there is a way for anything positive to come of this, or if the goose is already cooked.
When promiscuity is an issue, polyamory can be an approach. It's something I've thought of for years (partly with my own history) and it terrifies me. I have read "Escape" by Carolyn Jessop and while Mormon polygamy is not polyamory, I have seen so many examples, historic and present, of nightmare situations for women. Regrettable nightmare situations around polyamory. I got away from my own previous alternative sex lifestyle with the hopes of a relationship that's monogamous, real, healthy, stable, as good as possible, and based on love. I met this recent 33M guy at a party and stumbled back into some of the lifestyle I got myself away from. I am looking at the situation now and not knowing what action to take, what conversation to have, etc.
Let me say: my interpretations above are what's going through my head. I know there are other perspectives of the same situation. I am feeling fear and anxiety, so I'm expressing it here. You are welcome to take my interpretation or give your own, when answering this question.
Can you advise me how to go forward? Thanks.