In my case my divorce, after over 30 years of marriage, was directly related to the manner in which I handled (or didn't handle, as the case may be) the death of a child.
I spent 10 years protecting my ex wife from the tragedy of our loss, or, at least I thought that was what I was doing. I doubt that I could put together the route my own grief and later decision to become involved with another woman took, it is just too convoluted. But, in the end my choices destroyed a marriage.
Would I have done something differently knowing what I know today? Of course. My choices hurt a lot of people who didn't deserve it.
And, Louis C.K. was wrong (as most generalizations like that are).
This question cuts me to the bone. It is not that I have divorced after 30+ years but that I anticipate divorcing in the 32nd year of my marriage, when my last child leaves for college. Why do I anticipate divorce? I will have fulfilled a promise to care for my children; I will have anticipated the divorce and be financially prepared and in the end, I will have returned to loving my freedom more than my husband.
The irony is that my husband and I do not place all our love, hopes and aspirations upon each other, far from it. However, I would like, before Alzheimer's claims me (family history) to be alone, untethered and leave my isolating marriage. I know that this is muddled, but really, divorce is rarely a surprise. It is just a question on who is prepared and can pull the trigger.
My marriage hasn't lasted that long, but I can say I'm currently still in it for financial reasons, and because I can't yet bear to pull the trigger, because I can't stand how much it will hurt him. I still love him as a person and as a friend, but not romantically. I met someone last year with whom I was certainly not in love, but oh my GOD the lust. I had forgotten about lust. My sex drive is dead in my marriage, and, though my husband is attractive and I recognize this, I am not attracted to him anymore. The other guy sort of woke me up and reminded me of what is possible. And I want that again. And I need it. And I begin to think that I deserve it.
My friends don't know about this. They think we're fine. My husband doesn't know about this, somehow, despite the complete lack of sex and the lack of things to talk about and the recent spate of fighting. He knows I never kiss him anymore, but somehow he hasn't figured out what it means. I've been thinking about divorce for almost year and a half, and I realized I was going to do it on December 31st. But it's something it takes a while to get used to. As I said, I do still love him, but not in a way that means I can stay with him for the rest of my life. And I think it was kind of always that way. But I planned on forever, and it's really, really hard to skip out on that. There are practical considerations too, but I think even if there weren't, I'd still be here because I just can't let go yet, even though I know I have to.
I am desperately hoping he'll fall in love with someone else during the next year or so so this won't be so hard. It won't happen, of course. But it would be nice.
And we don't even have kids, or own a house, or even have pets in common. I can't imagine how hard it would be if we did. I would probably be one of your ten-to-twenty-five-year people in that case.
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