Will there be long term issues with dating/marrying someone 13 years older than me?
February 18, 2012 10:37 PM Subscribe
What long-term issues arise with marrying an older man?
posted by Jade_bug to Human Relations (56 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Ok. So I recently started seeing this guy, and I am falling for him quickly. In four dates we've discovered that we are compatible on so many different levels - common interests, chemistry, religious views, sense of humour, values. He's incredibly romantic. I went from just wanting to be friends to wanting to be in a relationship with him.
Here's the thing. I'm 22. On our last date I asked him how old he was...he's 35. That's 13 years older than me. Bah!
This freaks me out, so I told him I had to think about this in order to decide if we should keep seeing each other, which is really, REALLY hard.
Ok, so now I'm trying to determine the implications of a long-term relationship with a guy 13 years older than me.
It's not so much that after 4 dates I think we'll for sure end up together, but my purpose in dating is figuring out who I'm going to marry, so I want to figure this out ASAP.
Here's the background information about us:
-I'm 22, I have a bachelor's degree and I've started my career in marketing
-I'm an old soul...right now I'm saving for a house and I want to get married as soon as I develop a solid relationship with the right person.
-He's 35, and he's working on his PhD in French literature. Prior to going back for his PhD, he taught French for 6 years.
-After he's done his PhD his dream would be to work for the UN as a diplomat. He also wants to write.
-Neither of us have any children, but we both want children
-I am not drawn to him because of his age, by any means. The fact that he is a student and I am working almost reverses things, in a sense.
-He looks like he's 25 - he's Black, and from what I've noticed this ethnic group seems to age really well, at least in terms of appearance.
-We really like each other!
The main thing that is making me uncomfortable with the situation is advice my grandmother gave me a couple years ago....She had seen so many women marry into a relationship with a 10 year or 14 year age gap, and then later in life they're limited because their husbands are too tired or sick to do anything. And that these women feel order than they actually are.
(I also don't want to be a young widow!)
When he asked me what difference age makes, I told him it's a matter of being in life stages at different times, as well as what my grandmother said.
He brought up the point that he keeps in really good shape (it's true) and that most people can't run on a treadmill for an hour like he can. He trains in juditsu, and we both love salsa dancing.
When I'm 27, he'll be 40. When I'm 67, he would be 80...maybe...
What would that be like?
I'm not worried about the short term. We have great chemistry and if things don't work in the short term, then it doesn't work out. But I want to decide if age is an issue in the long term now, because every time we see each other we uncover layers of compatibility and we feel more emotionally involved. So if age is going to be an issue I want to stop things now before we both get hurt...even more.
Also a concern for me is how my career and having children would fit into this. (I've previously toyed with the idea of having children while I'm young and focusing on career while the kids are older.) But all that is something that can be talked through in future conversations with him, if we do continue to date.
So I'm looking for examples of what a relationship with a large age gap is like, later in life. 50 and 60+.
Blah....love is so complicated...
Thanks all :)