Diet + Marriage = Halp!!!

March 10, 2009 8:09 AM

We both need to lose weight... But I need some help figuring out how to successfully do it together.

We've both achieved middle-age spread, and need to turn this back; on this we are agreed. I know I can do it on my own... I lost 30 pounds (down to my target weight) a couple of years ago by eating sensibly without feeling terribly deprived while my husband was working out of town. Although I tried to keep it up once we resumed our normal living situation, I gained it all back. Ugh.

The problem is that while he agrees in principle to everything, and (in totally good faith, I know) agrees to stick with the diet plan (nothing weird... just cutting way back on sugar, fatty foods, meats, etc.), he feels very deprived and slips into old food habits very quickly.

Because he's always been naturally very slim he could eat anything all his life without any worry about weight gain - so he's basically spent 50 years never having to even consider his diet. I, on the other hand, have always had to be a bit careful, so I'm more accustomed to exercising some control. But "some control" isn't enough anymore, now that I'm older, and I really need to focus and keep up a deliberate approach.

The problem is that he will buy and prepare foods that are hard for me to resist when he falls off the wagon. He also seems so disappointed in meals that I prepare, though I try all sorts of tricks and methods of making them as tasty as possible... so I cave and start adding back more of the ingredients I'm trying to avoid. I should be stronger, but I'm not. When I succeeded on my own, I had to also create a mind space that eating this way was really delicious and more tasty and satisfying than the old way. I was able to do that, and actually feel that way... but I couldn't look at my food with a mental sigh that it wasn't something else, or I wouldn't have been able to stick to the plan. I had to approach it "holistically" and that worked.

Unfortunately, I'm not really very self-disciplined... once the "weight" (pardon the pun) of his dissatisfaction and urge to cheat is added into the mix, I can't seem to hold on to my resolve. The problem seems to me that once we agree that we need to rein in and start eating carefully, he sees our meals as being "diet food" and therefore unappealing. (Things like fake "burgers" etc. are only going to make that worse, I think.)

Our dynamic is very, very laid back; we've been together forever, rarely argue, aren't naggers (even when we should be, maybe), have always enjoyed cooking, eating and spending time together... we're really happy with each other! And I'd like to keep it that way. I can't imagine/don't relish becoming the house Food Nazi, and I'm not sure I could even do that, though I guess I could try.

For the record, if it helps, we're both in good health, take no medications, don't suffer from depression or other mental health issues, both pretty self-indulgent but live fairly simply, drinkers - but not every day, good humored, cheerful, don't eat very much fast food or other processed food, he loves his sweets. And bread, oh my. We don't live in a place that offers much of anything at all in the way of specialized "health food" or diet food items, though we have access to plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. We don't really have big soul-searching conversations about our relationship, etc., so while we can certainly have conversations about this, straightforward and pragmatic is more our deal, rather than "when you do this, I feel like this" kind of discussions.

Exercise is fine, but he gets quite a bit of that with his work, and has a very erratic schedule, so a regular program of gym after work, for example, is not an option for him.

btw, my husband is a kind, wonderful person, and I love him very much, so if we can avoid a lot of insults, that would be good.

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

Get him involved in the meal planning process so he can help you come up with dishes that you both like. Find out what "healthy" foods he likes and see if you can approximate the less healthy stuff he's missing. If he was involved with a meal he'll be less likely to turn up his nose at it even when it's not delicious fried cheesy bacon.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 8:22 AM on March 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

Maybe instead of trying to approximate or replace unhealthy ingredients, use the healthy foods for what they are? That's kind of abstract; what I mean is... I've heard some vegetarians say, for example, that it's easier to give up burgers than to switch to veggie burgers, because they aren't the same and just make them wish they had beef instead.

If he'd agree to eat the way you want for a set period of time -- on the order of weeks? -- maybe his tastebuds would adjust to appreciate the new flavors. This might necessitate packing lunch/snacks.

Failing that, if he *must* have some unhealthy things around to supplement the way you want to cook/eat, could you negotiate lists of what is and isn't allowed (in the house) to reduce the temptation for yourself?
posted by ecsh at 8:44 AM on March 10

Rather than focusing on cutting a lot of stuff out, you could plan meals together around a particular thing. For instance: this month we're going to try legumes! Experiment with all the different ways you can cook up beans -- with vegetables! in enchiladas! braised in soy sauce and brown sugar! cooked in brownies!

Try this with a bunch of different kinds of ingredients -- tofu, raw vegetables, carrots, potatoes -- as the "core parts" of the meal. The idea being, that you get used to stocking your fridge with "good" food (not packaged food), and that it becomes part of your normal habit. Every now and then, yeah! you get to make brownies and enchiladas, so you still get to "splurge" -- and it's fun! becaues you get to experiment together with cooking (rather than with dieting)

But yeah -- if you do this over time, these things don't become "health foods," but just the normal foods you eat.
posted by puckish at 8:50 AM on March 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

Is he competitive? Maybe you two could make a bet about who will lose the most. This might provide the extra motivation he needs.

Here's a recent New York Times article about the rising popularity of weight loss challenges.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 8:53 AM on March 10 [2 favorites has favorites]

1. Give up or minimize "white" foods. . .meaning sugar, flour, rice, anything refined and "white." This will help get more nutrition per calorie taken in.

2. It's challenging in an ltr, but try to "program" more sex into your lives. This could be a little incentive to achieve a slimmer body.

3. Burn more calories than you eat. Every diet is based on this.
posted by Danf at 9:13 AM on March 10

The only way I can lose weight is to go on a very restricted diet, and I have yet to find a way to do this that doesn't sacrifice the taste/satisfaction of an unrestricted meal. I don't know that it can be done if you are used to eating a certain way; however, I have found that if I keep on the restricted diet long enough, I get accustomed to it and do not crave rich foods unless I reintroduce them to my diet. You may have found this out too. You also know that if he wants to lose weight he needs to make a choice to give up the indulgent food. Yes, it will be hard and disappointing at first, but it's a choice. To help yourselves stick to this choice, find something else to do. Once you start focusing on things other than food, food will stop mattering so much. Have you ever been so engrossed in an activity that you forgot to eat? Think along those lines. You might enjoy obsessing over gardening together, or a home improvement project, or volunteering at an animal shelter, or whatever other kind of project or hobby might preoccupy you. The key, I think, is that you just find something you can do together that satisfies you in place of the food you're used to. And once you've both gotten into the habit of your new diet, it should be easier to stay on it.

Alternatively, you could turn cooking into your "new" hobby; you mentioned you both like cooking, so turn it into a new project. Decide how many calories you can each have in a day in order to lose weight (you can find this info with a quick google search, if you don't already know it--"resting metabolic rate" will tell you what you probably expend in a day so shave calories off of that number to lose weight) and then seek out new recipes that don't exceed that calorie count. You don't need diet foods at all, just lots of vegetables, herbs and spices and stay away from excess dairy and sugar.

In terms of basically sticking to the diet itself (and this paragraph may be information you already know, so I'm sorry for repeating it if that is the case) you need to stop buying the foods you shouldn't have. If you don't buy them you don't have the option of eating them. Load your dishes up with veggies and spices and herbs; those are total freebies and why stir fries are wonderful. Garlic and onion are wonderful. Experiment with different oils; a sprinkling of them can alter the taste of a dish. Don't use the yolks of eggs if you don't have to (the yolk has something like 75 calories whereas the white is only 15). If he is craving sweets, turn to fruit; you get more food for the same amount of calories in another sweet, no fat, and they usually quell sweet cravings pretty effectively. You could even add a little whipped cream--a tablespoon is only 15 calories or so.
posted by Polychrome at 9:27 AM on March 10

Oh, and one more thing that works for me. Every time I am tempted to put something in my mouth that I know I shouldn't have, I always stop for a second before popping it in my mouth. I think most people who are conscious of what they eat do this. What stops me from popping the food in my mouth, though, is to first think "Am I really hungry? Do I really want to eat this?" and if the answer is still yes, then the next thought is "I am making a choice. If I eat this I will sabotage my progress for losing weight. Do I want to lose weight, or do I want to eat this?" Every time I have been serious about losing the weight, I have put the item down and ate a pickle or some other harmless item.
posted by Polychrome at 9:31 AM on March 10 [3 favorites has favorites]

Maybe you should just each make your own single-serving meals. If he wants to go get cheesecake, fine, but ask him to buy one slice at a time instead of an entire one, and then eat it before you get the chance. And you don't have to change your food to get him to eat it. It seems really stressful to have to tie your weight loss into your relationship so tightly like that...you may need to each find the way of eating that works for you, it may not be the same. My boyfriend has a lot of dietary restrictions and meals were very difficult for us until we started each being in charge of our own food.
posted by phoenixy at 9:53 AM on March 10

Can you create a few meals together where he can adjust his to not feel restrictive? You both have chef salads, but his has cheese and bacon and yours doesn't? You both have grilled chicken, but his is cordon bleu? Work out some ideas together, same basic meals, with a few "extras" for him.
posted by agentwills at 10:05 AM on March 10

I have always struggled with my weight because I truly, truly, truly LOVE food. I have never been able to replace delicious food A with diet food B - what works for me is portion control and moderation. There is no need to give up a cheeseburger, but have it with salad and a whole wheat bun. You still get that taste but you've saved yourself hundreds of calories.

Regarding his sabotaging behaviours (I don't mean to be insulting, but this is what they are, even though he may be a kind, loving man): you mentioned that viewing things "holistically" worked for you - maybe that approach will help your husband? When he seems disappointed with the food, mention specific benefits. For example... "This lean beef burger, salad and whole wheat bun will help give me energy for that walk we're taking later. Last time I caved and ate a greasy bacon cheeseburger with fries but it made me feel sick and sluggish."
posted by cranberrymonger at 10:05 AM on March 10

"he will buy and prepare foods that are hard for me to resist when he falls off the wagon"

I think this is the main behaviour you ought to call him out on. There's no need for a soul-searching conversation (I don't like those either) but when he does it, ask him to please cut you off a small piece of the cheesecake and freeze the rest. Tell him you are committed to the plan and though you appreciate his generosity (buying you treats), you would prefer he support you in other ways. Then name the ways.
posted by cranberrymonger at 10:08 AM on March 10

If it were me, I would tell him to eat whatever he wants outside of the house, just don't bring it inside because it messes me up.

I don't want that to sound mean, because I don't mean it that way.
posted by KAS at 10:13 AM on March 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

Explore foreign cuisines that are naturally already within your diet goals. You already enjoy cooking and eating together and have access to fruits and veggies? You're golden. You don't need "diet" food. Instead of making lower-calorie versions of familiar dishes, take this as an opportunity to try new things and explore more east Asian and southeast Asian cuisines.

There are so many brilliant, brilliant ingredients (sambal, nam pla, shrimp paste, miso) that provide a lot of bang for your buck, flavor-wise. Maybe even take a cooking class together? Anything more exotic in the way of spice you can get online, or make a pilgrimage to your closest large Asian market.
posted by desuetude at 10:14 AM on March 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

Does he actually want to change his eating habits?

Because if he doesn't, then it would probably be better for him to admit that to himself and pursue his own eating style when he eats outside the house.

If you guys decide a set of ground rules for the food you have in the house--no cheesecake, for instances, or no hamburgers, or whatever you guys feel is a more healthy set of choices--then he needs to keep to those ground rules and enjoy the other foods when he's out to lunch with his co-workers or in a restaurant or whatever.

I mean, here's the thing. He may be happy with his weight as it is and happy with his eating style as it is, and be choosing a passive-aggressive approach rather than having an open discussion about it with you.

If you get the discussion out of "You can never have a cheeseburger again" to "Let's not have cheeseburgers in the house, because I don't want to eat them right now; if you want a cheeseburger, you can always have it on your own time" it might make him less likely to undermine your eating choices.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:17 AM on March 10

How about you agree to cook healthy meals together monday through friday, but on the weekend he's allowed to have what he likes. That way perhaps you share the burden -- he has to do his best to enjoy the healthy stuff most of the time, and you have to do your best to resist the temptation to eat what he's having on the weekends.

I think it's important to set realistic goals that you are both happy with, rather than one person being miserable.
posted by modernnomad at 10:20 AM on March 10

Read the book Mindless Eating. It talks about the unconscious ways we make decisions about what we eat, how much we eat, and when we stop eating. There are many tips about how we can harness this psychology to make it work with us, rather than against us. Little things, like filling your plates and then bringing them to the table, rather than bringing the pot to the table.

The book won't work miracles, but it's a fun read -- the science described is pretty neat -- and none of the advice can hurt at all.
posted by wyzewoman at 10:27 AM on March 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you feel like you have to cook the sorts of food he enjoys, is it possible just to serve yourself a smaller portion and fill up the rest of your plate with relatively harmless stuff like veggies and salad? So you don't have to cook 2 separate meals, or have him be "disappointed" at your "healthy" cooking.
posted by Dali Atomicus at 10:28 AM on March 10

Could you make a deal to only go out for cheating-foods? In other words, if he really wants, say, cookies, he can have some if he drives to a bakery and eats the cookies there, but he agrees not to bring baking supplies or cookies into the house. That way, if you both feel like a treat, you can go out for it together and it's a special, limited thing. You could even turn it into an incentive--go X weeks on the plan, you celebrate together by going out for burgers or pie or whatever you're craving.

To avoid unsatisfying meals, might there be a particular type of cooking (Mediterranean comes to mind) that is naturally (or at least, more easily) healthy? Substituting reduced calorie margarine for butter is depressing, but if the original recipe is something like fresh fish with lemon, herbs, and olive oil, that might make it easier to create healthy, delicious meals that taste like actual food.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:37 AM on March 10

Plan your meals, buy in bulk, and use fitday.com to track your calories.

There's a tendency among people who want to lose weight to supplement their generally unhealthy diet with health foods -- this may make you healthier, but it probably won't make you lose weight. In fact, you're more likely lose weight eating 1700 calories per day of nothing but chocolate cake and ice cream than you are with 2500 calories per day of lettuce and tofu.

Remember 2 things:
1) It's not WHAT you eat, it's HOW MUCH. Healthy foods are great and you should eat them, but the main thing you need to do is get your calories down. Forcing yourself to eat things you don't like is a sure way to fail. Also, spreading your meals out so that you're eating 5-6 small meals per day rather than 2 or 3 big ones can keep you feeling full and control binging.

2) Don't "go on a diet" -- change your lifestyle. If you see this as a temporary thing just to lose a few pounds, those pounds will come back (as you've already found). Dieting doesn't work for most people, but choosing to live like a healthy person can positively affect all aspects of your life, becoming a self-sustaining choice.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:06 PM on March 10

I have trouble with this too. For me it's all about not buying stuff I shouldn't eat. I know that sounds basic, but it's really key. If we have snacks around, I'm going to eat a bigger serving than I should. I always go for just one more dorito, often without even thinking about it. But I can say "no doritos" while I'm shopping and simply not buy them. Limiting what comes into your home ought to help. We stopped having taco night when we saw that each shell was ~200 calories (and I typically ate 5). No more shells in the house. If we really seriously crave tacos, we order mexican. The difference is that ordering mexican gives us 1 serving of tacos instead of however many come in a huge box from costco.
posted by valadil at 12:29 PM on March 10

There's a tendency among people who want to lose weight to supplement their generally unhealthy diet with health foods -- this may make you healthier, but it probably won't make you lose weight.

Yes, but presumably people who are trying to lose weight are doing it because they're trying to improve their overall health, not just to see a lower number on the scale. (Presumably the poster and partner aren't jockeys, or boxers wanting to fight in a lower weight class, yes?)
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:53 PM on March 10

Everyone's advice so far has been great. I had a bunch of tips I was going to tell you, but really you should just read In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto by Michael Pollan. It's well-written, eye-opening, and gives lots of practical advice. I've minimized my intake of processed foods and foods with additives (including high fructose corn syrup), increased my intake of whole grains and fruits and vegetables, and now buy only organic/local. And, my oh my, in only a few months, I feel so much healthier, my cooking has gotten a lot better, and my immune system and energy levels are much improved.

I also allow myself to have that occasional "bad" food (although I was totally excited for curly fries the other day and I couldn't even finish half of them). I think it's great that you both love to cook - restaurant food can taste great, but it is almost always more caloric and you usually don't know a lot about the quality of the ingredients.

As for exercising, I highly recommend biking or walking to work (or the grocery store or wherever) if at all possible. This is a great way to start and end your day - it gets the metabolism going and it's great "thinking time." Plus, you had to get yourself to work somehow! Is it possible for you and your husband to take some kind of exercise class together, like dance or yoga?

Good luck!
posted by kookaburra at 7:46 PM on March 10

There are two important points screaming out to me here. By no means are these the only remedies you should seek, but I'm going to put in my two cents about the relationship aspects of this weight-loss problem.

The first point I see is that trying to lose weight together has become a major issue in your relationship. The second is that your husband is not as committed to this goal as you are, and undermines your efforts to lose weight. These problems are both tied to your relationship, and they're not going to be fixed until you look at why they're happening.

The problem is that he will buy and prepare foods that are hard for me to resist when he falls off the wagon. He also seems so disappointed in meals that I prepare, though I try all sorts of tricks and methods of making them as tasty as possible... so I cave and start adding back more of the ingredients I'm trying to avoid. I should be stronger, but I'm not.

Guess what. You are completely wrong. You shouldn't be stronger, and you're plenty strong already. Don't be so hard on yourself! You're the one who is showing dedication to the promise you made to each other, and you're the one on AskMeFi soliciting advice. That shows an admirable level of dedication and commitment to your goal.

Your husband, although he may be a lovely soul, has made a pact with you to try to lose weight, explicitly agreeing with your diet plan, isn't adhering to it, and tries to pull you along with him. Why? Only you guys can say for sure, but one possibility is that he's afraid of changing his diet and he wants to make sure you stay in his comfort zone with him. He may see that it's easier for you to pay more attention to nutrition and change what you eat. For someone who hasn't had to practice giving up comfort foods, that can be scary, and feel somewhat hurtful.

You say that you guys aren't naggers, and add that it may not happen even when it should. You also say that you don't have "big soul-searching conversations" about your relationship, and prefer discussing the practical to the avoidance of the "when you do this I feel like this" discussions. It sounds like you and your husband care about each other very much and are afraid to assert certain things that are important to you in order to maintain the comfortable state of your relationship. Unfortunately, this kind of avoidance can have a long-term negative effect on relationships. In order for marriages to grow, you need to confront each other and give the other person a chance to respect your desires. It may seem easier, more loving, and more giving to avoid a fight. But the fight here is already ongoing. Your husband, by his actions, is sending the message that he doesn't want to change yet, doesn't feel ready to change, or some variation thereof, and expects you to back down and return to the fold.

At the risk of sounding like a therapist, which I'm not, how does it make you feel when you're expecting a tasty, healthy dinner, and your husband comes home with some less healthy ingredients and starts preparing a calorie-laden meal? I'm curious as to what his reaction was when he came back home after your 30-lb weight loss, and how you slipped back into your old habits.

I am not saying anything about whether either of you are good people. You sound like you are and you care about each other very much. However, if you're waiting for your husband to join you before you commit fully to better eating habits, you could be waiting forever.

On the practical, food and exercise side of the question, many people upthread have given great suggestions. Here are another two:

1. You said he's spent 50 years without considering his diet because he had never put on weight before. He seems resistant to starting this with weight loss as the focus. Is it possible that he would be more willing to change what he eats if he started looking at its nutritional value purely? That might have much less emotion attached to it, plus it's a very good way to get into a healthier lifestyle.

2. You also stated that your husband gets quite a bit of exercise with his work, and has a very erratic schedule so a gym routine might not be the best. What kind of exercise does he get with his work? Is it aerobic, or is it a case of using his strength? Muscle is great, but if he wants to lose the weight he's already put on, aerobic exercise is the best way to burn that fat. Also, adding more exercise into his day will allow him to cut less calories, and will also give him another focus than food. Adding whatever you can here and there (taking the stairs instead of the elevator, walking instead of taking the car, etc) can only help.

Best of luck to you!
posted by lovebird at 8:47 AM on March 21 [1 favorite has favorites]