Reconstructing myself - where to begin?
Last night my wife of 22 years announced that she and I were finished as a married couple. Now, at the age of 53, I find myself alone.
Presently, I am seeking the anonymity of a bunch of strangers because it doesn't seem hurt as much this way. A cross sectioning if you will. Besides, MetaFites are generally a younger bunch, and they may have a more optimistic perspective on this.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (55 answers total) 26 users marked this as a favorite
We have boys aged 16 and 20, and I love them like I love my next breath. Therefore, I am committed to being around for them- within walking distance for the youngest. The oldest is 2 hours away at college, the youngest is still in high school.
The most immediate question that I have to ask is; how could I have been so blind to the fact that my wife was unhappy? I don't drink much, womanize or carry on in or hang out with the boys. I have never called her when I was drunk, and always tried to be considerate of her feelings. Last night she was beyond rational, and I can't figure out where her incredible anger towards me is coming from. (menopause?). BTW she has refused counselling either one on one or together, although she did go to one therapy session.
In spite of all that, I now need to rebuild some parts of my life as I allowed myself to become intertwined in hers. I lost my father 12 years ago, my only brother 4 years ago, and I act as primary caregiver for my aging (83) and blind mother, so i have no family other than my kids. I live in a rural community so there are few services available. Her family in in the immediate area and are for the most part, supportive of me - but of course, they are HER family. I expect we will maintain civil relations.
I have tried to take stock of where I am in this life, and here it is in a nutshell.
- My midlife crisis resulted in my decision to get healthier, not buy a sports car and chase 22 year old hotties.
- I am a good person most days, not allowing emotions to overrule good judgement.
- I am in excellent physical condition and health.
- i have a reasonable income and post secondary education
- I have some monies saved up.
- my staff says that I am a good manager and that they would follow me almost anywhere.
- I have been an excellent dad, and have never failed to tell my boys every night that I love them. (Course, with a 16 yr old, I gotta be discreet about stuff like that)
- Most people in the community know me, and some even like me.
The not so good
- Despite my good health and good body, my inherited looks are umm, unique. And, as I age, I notice that they are getting more unique. Bald, big ears (a DEADLY combo!) and skinny, er, wiry. Think Albert Einstein, bald, but not as clever, unfortunately.
- I have no family to spend time with other than my boys - who of course, are very close to my wife's extended family and their kids.
- I have no interest in dating - obviously. Maybe that will change.
- I am limited in my social and conversational skills, believing that I better show my character through actions rather than conversation. This has been commented on by others in the community.
-Being in a small community, I am not sure how I would react if I saw my ex-wife on a date.
-My job can be stressful, and I can sometimes carry that home. I am getting better at compartmentalizing that however.
So, how to I rebuild my life? Its painful to write this, but you know, I just don't want to die alone or spend Christmas by myself. The "die alone" thing gets more acute the closer I get to my brother's age when he died.
How do other people rebuild parts of their lives after getting a bombshell dropped on them? I want to look up with the missing two front teeth and say "life, is that all you got?".
Any information or opinions are appreciated. I know this sure ain't the biggest tragedy out there, but right now it is to me. Responses from ladies that can provide insight especially wrt the menopause thing would be great.