34 year old dating 20 year old -very confused
December 8, 2012 2:26 AM Subscribe
34 year old guy dating 20 year old girl - "robbing the cradle?"
posted by avenue to Human Relations (88 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
So I'm actually the 20 yr old asking here, but I just wanted to get your perspectives on what may be going through the older guy's head because he is very conflicted...
He works in the industry I will be working in after college and we met that way. We became friends through exchanging emails which started off as professional/friendly but we quickly realized we had a lot in common and met again in person. I had always been interested in guys older than me but not 14 years older so he made the first move and asked me out.
We went out to dinner a couple of times in February and things were great: he treated me very well but I did not really want to rush into anything physical or emotional. Part of this is because I'm still a virgin. In contrast, he is very much not and has had lots of sexual relationships both casually and in long term relationships (his last one was 4 years-they broke up bc he did not feel comfortable with marrying her). Because of this, he often and very bluntly expressed interest in becoming sexual with me and at one point early into the relationship said he needed something more and I said I wasnt up for it so we split briefly because of that. By briefly I mean he immediately regretted his decision because he started texting and asking to meet up only a couple days later.
The issue is that these brief "breakups" have been common since February but for different reasons and we always get back together very quickly. We text everyday when we're together and when we're broken up we still text every 2-3days (he initiates mostly). Honestly its gotten to the point that if we havent talked in 2 days I feel weird.
He has since the first "I need more" breakup expressed that he does want more but has never pushed me. During the summer, he asked me if I wanted to be in an relationship with him. I was very happy about that and wanted to say yes but his idea of a relationship is very long term (3/4/5 years) which just seems so long to me. He says everyone he's asked to be in a relationship with, he had a similar long term view. This doesn't make sense as he's only had 2 long term relationships before. Does looking at relationships this way make sense to others here? I want to be in a longer term relationship with him (maybe 2 years) but I can't see anything more unless after the two years I think he is "the one". I do really want to be with him now and would be fully exclusive/invested in him and want him to be my first but the issue now is the more strongly I feel about him, the more he pulls away.
He recently said he couldn't be with me fully because he thinks "I'm still evolving and he doesn't want to influence me while I'm still growing" "He is so torn because he really likes me but doesnt think this is the right time for us and would rather wait until I'm older" The hard part is he says he would feel better when I'm 21 and infinitely better when I'm 25. He also says he might be wrong and "despite my being confused, I really care about you and would prefer you happy over stressed" and that "full contact doesn't feel right but no contact isn't right either" So it feels like he's stringing me along..but why is he doing this?? He had previously expressed somewhat of a concern for his influence/power dynamic the age gap creates but it felt like a warning/consideration he wanted me to think about and definitely not something that was deterring him. I guess before it was more of a speedbump now its like a brick wall or mountain in the middle of the road. He is convinced that if we were together now "I would hate him 5 years down the road for influencing me and taking the best years of my life" Can anyone shed light on these feelings?
After all of his blunt interest in the past, all of a sudden "he doesn't want to be the guy to take my virginity." He says he can't place the reasoning behind his views but part of it is because we are close friends and he really cares about me now...what is that supposed to mean? Before he preached about "strong feelings" and "love down the line" and I know he's told some of his family about me who seemed to have been supportive. How could someone who talks about that completely flip flop to "I can't see you anymore because if I do I know I won't let you go"? At this point he says he is comfortable with coffee/lunch (away from his house so we don't end up there). It doesn't make sense because I used to stay over at his place all the time...what could possibly be going through his mind?