Yeah, I'm flightier than a hummingbird. Help me not to be?
posted by DisreputableDog to human relations (10 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
I'm in the kind of relationship that many would call literally perfect, other than it being long-distance. We've been together for over a year and known each other off hand and as friends for way longer. First of all, he's attractive. I'm not going to lie to anyone by stating that doesn't matter. Then he's a great person unto himself. He's not needy, doesn't require me to complete or define him. He has healthy and cool hobbies, like martial arts, and is on the path into medical school so that he can treat patients suffering from PTSD. He loves animals, -rescues- them no less, such as baby birds and stray cats. He's building his own house slowly but surely in some lovely woods. He understands if I don't want kids, but he'd like me to keep it in mind that he's willing to try this life path with me. The sex is awesome, not just as sex but because we're both willing to learn, try new things, and communicate.
So...why do I feel like dropping him?
I know I'm a flighty person. I'm a flighty person. And when I say flighty, I mean that I've had an English and Graphic Design degree a few years apart, and am now in the military. I mean there's physical things, like dying my hair very different colors, or one day wearing a cowgirl hat and the next wearing bone earrings and a dog collar. And although I haven't yet decided completely on a tattoo design, I could see myself getting really into the ink community someday - which he's cautious about for me. I also mean that it's never been a very strong urge to have children, but last week I did weird research on cloth diapers and homemade baby food and determined that if I had kids I'd do -that-, but today I just as honestly don't want children. I've had jobs in a zoo, a pet store, a grocery store, a restaurant, and a dental office, and now more or less work with computers. And although I do love living in the country, I just as much enjoy living in the city, depending on the urban development. My dream idea of going to visit other countries would be to go -live- in this or that country for anywhere from a few weeks to a year, picking up odd jobs to keep the trip going. I -like- being relatively flighty, which could be part of the problem here.
Right now, due to the military, I especially don't feel like I could commit to a marriage, though we have talked about it and consider it not just a possiblity but a definite future. More a matter of when than if. But I......don't know if I want to anymore. Call me a indecisive bitch, but I'm just afraid that.......I'm going to be missing something if I do. Like I'm going to be trapped. And yes, we've talked about how he's very willing to travel and how he's cool with my flightiness but.......planning out something, whether it be to ditch a job and get a new one or travel halfway around the world to live there for a year is so much more complicated with two people.
I also feel like.......we're strained, and we don't know it yet? Because of my flightiness, even though he does make me very happy, every so many months, or less, I do this thing where I tell him I don't know if I can do this anymore. It's especially difficult with the distance, because I'm very out of sight out of mind, but even after a week n' a half with him, I get this urge to flee. And it ends up being all stressful, and he talks me down as if from a ledge and I end up crying and apologizing. He's said he doesn't know how much more of that he can take --- but hey there boy, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us, and I don't know how much more it will crop up.
At one point I was having one of these....upsets, and unbeknownst to us my birth control was making me feel like an asexual amoeba but he said, "“I'm worried that our sexual appetites aren't matching up. I see that there are only so many possibilities if we marry. You accept that you might have to try harder to.....make me feel more appreciated or we end up with an open relationship where I go and find another woman to satisfy me. And I don't want that." But.....ugh, why would we consider marrying if we already have this problem?
Yeah, some of these things sound like I should just drop him right now, but it's so....difficult. There's no way to explain how much, in about 90% of every other facet, we are perfect for each other.
I just don't know if I can overcome this urge to just ___RUN___even though he makes me feel....not just safe, but right. He feels right in so many ways. I'm just afraid that one day I'm going to turn around while I'm pregnant and be like, "You know what? No. I don't want to give birth to this child, or if I have to, to take care of it" or to suddenly realize one day that I'm unhappy. This wouldn't be fair to him, to string him along, to the kid(s), or even to me.
Help? I need to clear my head and have talked with him about this to death, but I feel like it's not helping me. Gah! Does anyone else have this problem? And how do you....settle? Or do you?