I feel like he's making a fool out of me.
October 14, 2012 6:13 AM Subscribe
I think my boyfriend is hitting on his best friend's (adult) daughter. I am hurt and angry and upset and I don't know what I should do.
posted by anonymous to human relations (66 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
For simplicity's sake, I will refer to boyfriend as SO, boyfriend's best friend as BF, and boyfriend's best friend's daughter as D.
In case it's relavant, my SO is about 15 years older than me. I'm in my late 20s. We have been together 4 years, but do not cohabitate.
My SO's best friend BF has a daughter D who is a pre-med student at NYU. SO doesn't see BF very often. Recently BF was in town for his D's 21st birthday, and SO used this as an opportunity to hang out with BF for a while. He ended up crashing with BF and D in D's small off-campus apartment for the night.
Next day SO is telling me how he feels he has grown apart from BF a bit (they've been friends since high school). BF's wife passed away last year and BF now has a trashy trophy girlfriend who is very annoying and wasn't much fun to hang out with. SO said that D has turned out to be a pretty cool kid, very smart, pre-med, and he ended up talking with her through most of the evening rather than deal with BF's new trashy girlfriend. SO accidentally left his jacket at D's apartment. This was about 3 weeks ago.
Last night we were out late watching the Yankee game at our favorite bar, and on the train on the way home I saw him texting. He thought I was asleep I guess, but I was reading over his shoulder (yes, quasi snooping I guess, not so great). Turns out he has D's phone number now, and had texted her earlier in the night complaining about how cold he is. My eyesight is pretty good, so I could read most of the conversation. This is what I saw:
SO to D: Damn cold outside, wish I had my jacket.
D to SO: oh dear, I hope you at least have a scarf.
SO to D: Naked through the streets of NYC. Hope u can sleep 2night.
D to SO: drama queen
SO to D: maybe a little bit. stayed out late watching the yankee game. a little drunk.
I don't know if D texted back or not after that. I was furious and upset (and a little drunk). I pulled away from SO and tried to keep from crying. I did not tell him what I'd seen or how I was feeling. SO realized I was awake and started trying to crack jokes and make me smile, but I was really upset. I told him that I was just exhausted - not the best move to lie, I know, but I didn't know how to bring up what I'd just seen since it was quasi-snooping. I went home and spent most of the night crying.
My questions are:
1. I think those texts were kind of flirtatious. I know that the hive mind does not know my SO or D (and I have never met D), but I was just curious to get some outside opinions as to whether the texts were flirtatious or if I am just imagining things.
2. If they do seem flirtatious, what should I do? Do I bring it up with him? How?
3. I am feeling hurt and betrayed right now. I love this man - he makes me laugh and he's changed my life for the good in many ways. Some of my friends expressed reservations when we first started dating because he is so much older than me and not very conventionally attractive - they said I could do better and I was squandering my youth on some guy's mid-life crisis. I ignored those hurtful comments at the time because I find him wildly attractive and charismatic and I didn't think I was his mid-life crisis. I didn't care what it looked like from the outside - just how I felt about him and how he felt about me. Now I feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath me and my friends were right - I've squandered my youth on this older guy and now he's moving on to a girl younger than me and making a fool out of me.
Then again maybe it's just a harmless little crush - I get those sometimes too and they're kind of fun but I don't act on them. And maybe it's not fair to not allow him the same. But I don't send flirtatious texts to my crushes that way - I think that's a line that shouldn't be crossed.
I also am thinking about myself at age 21 (D's age) and how I would feel if my father's best friend started sending me drunk flirty texts - I'd have been grossed out. (I still would be grossed out.) So maybe this will resolve itself soon enough - she'll tell him to back off, or she'll tell her dad and her dad will have it out with SO.
But I don't know what I should do RIGHT NOW, if anything. I'm hurting, my heart is hurting, and I feel like a fool. I suffer from depression and I've fallen into a hole since last night and can't seem to break out of it. I want to know if I am overreacting - am I? - or if this is actually a big enough deal that I should start thinking about DTMFA-ing.
Please help, hive mind. I am crying right now writing this out and I feel out of control and helpless and angry and hurt and I don't know what to do. Any thoughts, advice, kind words, tough love, anything will do. I just need some perspective. Help.