Am I being a brat, or does my mother have boundary issues?
December 5, 2014 3:00 AM   Subscribe

My very kind and generous mother has bought everything on my boyfriend's wishlist, for me to give to him on Christmas. I'm 30 years old and feel a bit... weird about this. Am I right to feel out of joint, or am I looking a gift horse in the mouth?

I'm very close to my family, especially my mother, who is extremely generous, particularly at Christmas.

My boyfriend of 2.5 years is joining my family for Christmas this year, and my mother ask me if I could send her his Amazon wishlist, which I did. She is very big on Christmas and goes really overboard on presents for her 3 adult children, and I thought she would want to get my boyfriend some books or DVDs so he wouldn't feel left out.

I went over to see her yesterday and she showed me what she had got for him- which was everything from his wishlist. Tonnes of books and DVDs, plus a watch and a camera.

She told me she had bought it for me to give to him (she had already wrapped 3 or 4 parcels to give to him from the family), to save me some money. As I'm writing this, I'm very aware that this is a pretty nice problem to have, but I can't help but feel... whatever the female version of emasculated is.

There were some things I wanted to get him that weren't on the list, and if I buy those in addition to what my Ma has already, his haul will be insanely lavish and I'm worried about embarrassing him (I'm already worried about this- apparently I've bought him a watch and a camera!).

It will really upset my mother if I turn down her offer, and she refuses to give him the gifts herself (she thinks it would be weird- ha).

Am I being a dick about this? Or is this a bit odd? I have worried about my relationship with my mother in the past, as we are so close and I sometimes feel controlled by her generosity. She is a really wonderful person, and very wise, but rather sensitive and I don't think talking this through would go well. I'll probably end up just sucking it up, but would be really interested to hear whether I'm right to be bothered or if I'm being a brat, and what I could do to gently be clearer about boundaries in the future.
posted by Dwardles to Human Relations (48 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
i think that you should thank her immensely for being such a generous person and such a caring mother, but explain that you think that your boyfriend might feel really uncomfortable about receiving so many gifts for christmas. perhaps you've agreed to only spend a certain amount on each other... it would be okay to go a little bit over, so you will give him a couple of the things that your mum bought, but since you've already bought a couple of things for him (because if you hadn't already bought them, why can't you just give him more of the stuff your mum bought?), you won't be able to give him all the things.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:13 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]


Give him any additional gifts privately. Do not reject your mother's gift to you; she is welcoming him to the family in the way she knows how. Say thank you and start wrapping.

In future, draw a boundary: "it would be nice if you picked one or two things on his list for his birthday" or whatever.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:15 AM on December 5, 2014 [24 favorites]


As I read it, she's treating him like one of her own children? That's.... really not bad at all, my mother does the same thing. And we would never let our mother anywhere near an Amazon wish list, for precisely this reason. Smile, be grateful, maybe try to pay her back in cash, and learn the lesson for next year.
posted by Leon at 3:22 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]


Yes, it is a bit odd--but only a bit, I think, assuming your mother can easily afford this sort of thing and it's similar in magnitude to what she gets for you and your siblings.

The fact that she insists these things should be "from you" makes it slightly more awkward; presumably he hasn't bought you your entire Amazon wishlist, so it might be uncomfortably asymmetrical if you gave him all those things at once and he just gave you an ordinary number of presents. Perhaps you can explain that to your mother and pick two or three things from the pile to give him at the family Christmas in addition to the more personal gifts you'll be getting him yourself. Then you can stash the rest away and be set for the next several years' worth of birthday and anniversary gifts. Or bring it all home, give it to your boyfriend privately, and explain the whole situation and laugh about how families are.

Or if you think your mother really wants him to be able to unwrap all these things at the family Christmas, you could just explain the situation to your boyfriend, and maybe your siblings, beforehand. Then you can give him all the gifts "from you" without creating too much awkwardness.
posted by fermion at 3:32 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]


Hmm. What i think about this depends on whether she's just affluent and like this, or whether she obviously went beyond her means or broke the bank/put it all on credit to do this.

Because i've known people who had the means who were just like this, parents and friends and otherwise. That was just how they were. It wasn't some dick measuring thing or "ha, see!". it was just like, they could so they did.

I've also known people who couldn't really afford it, but did it as some sort of weird oneupmanship/control thing, including parents. I don't think the gut vibe you're getting is out of nowhere.

Basically, i don't think you're a crappy person or out of line for being uncomfortable with this or thinking this is weird, in either scenario. In the first one it could be fairly innocent on their part but still making you uncomfortable. In the second one, they're actually going out of their way and overstretching to do so. Obviously, i/we don't know the details since you didn't post them(thusfar), but i still at least get where you're coming from.

I've definitely had that family member who gets someone close to you the embarrassingly, to you, extravagant present. And this is doubly so because obviously you're going to end up admitting what happened in private conversation which isn't even out of line, after the fact.

overall i think fermion has about the right ideas here, but i really just wanted to post to tell you that you are not wrong in any way for feeling off about this.
posted by emptythought at 3:42 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]


Thank her, and see if maybe she can hold onto some items (preferably those he is least likely to buy himself) for next Christmas or his birthday?
posted by backwards guitar at 3:49 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]


I don't read anything sinister into this, I'm guessing she's a bit of a shopaholic when it comes to gifts and has found an excellent excuse to buy presents. I bet she just hasn't thought it through so although I'm about to speak of controlling tendencies, I am not jumping to conclusions that there's something awful going on here, just unpacking why it's awkward.

Obviously this can be a way of trying to buy affection, and it's one thing to do this with her own children (whose affection is not in question) but another to do this with your BF. It comes across to me a bit like she's trying to buy an extra family member, but the guy's primary connection is to you... so he's... yours to decide what to do with (look at the way I put that! but it seems to fit, doesn't it).

I see people telling you not to decline your mother's generous gift, but the gift is not only not yours to decline, but it also comes with instructions to give them to your BF *and* pretend it's from you. That is crossing lines and puts you in an awkward position twice. It's perfectly all right, and a measure of your good judgement, not to go along with it. And what kind of expectations will this set for future gift giving, if your BF thinks these are from you?

You can just say to your mom that you've chosen what gifts you want to give your BF and if she has a ton of stuff she wants to give him that's really nice of her, but she must do it as herself because you are not going to do it.

You could also say that giving your BF so much stuff comes across as a typical kindness in your eyes and the eyes of the rest of the family and you've always appreciated this generosity that she has. But that to someone outside the family it is going to seem like too much and they'll get confused about the meaning of it. Basically the problem is that it could end up complicating the relationship between you and your BF if she gets carried away with him like she does with the rest of you. I like the idea of keeping a stash to dole out over future birthdays and Xmases.

Once you explain it to her like that I think she'll understand. If she doesn't, well, you can't control someone else's gift giving and that principle cuts both ways; in that case, you'll probably have to have a little discussion with your boyfriend afterwards to address your own discomfort.
posted by tel3path at 3:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [8 favorites]


If what she spent is nothing to her, it's sweet, if misguided. If it put her out financially, you might want to have a conversation with her about it.

For sure, don't give him these gifts as if they were from you. "Mom, we agreed only to spend a certain amount on each other and I've already picked out my gifts. If you feel weird about giving him so much swag, return most of it and give him the X. I love your generosity and I too want to be generous with my loved ones."

I think your mom is coming from a place of love and generosity, not of control. That's the important thing.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:18 AM on December 5, 2014 [11 favorites]


I find this a LOT weirder than some of the replies so far do. Getting him presents is fine, even if she goes a little overboard. Getting the rest of his list(!) for you to give him, as if she had nothing to do with it? Weird.

I'd thank her for her generous instincts. I'd then explain that I was looking forward to thoughtfully picking out gifts for my own boyfriend, that we had an agreed-to range that we'd stay within to be in reasonable balance, and that I couldn't give the ones from her in addition without throwing off that balance. And remind her that Amazon is usually great about gift returns, if she doesn't have someone else to divert those gifts to.
posted by daisyace at 4:44 AM on December 5, 2014 [50 favorites]


I also find it super weird, but I think it would be really unproductive to say so to your mother. She's coming from a good place.

Thank her for being so thoughtful and generous. Then tell her that, as a new member of your Christmas celebrations, your boyfriend doesn't want to "stand out" any more than he already will by virtue of being new. Ask her if his number of gifts is similar to everyone else's, and if it's larger, could she hold some back so as not to make him feel awkward? She can either return them or keep them in reserve for upcoming birthdays etc.

Then you have to talk to your boyfriend. Explain the history of your mothers gift giving, and how this glut of presents is going to seem to be coming from you. If it makes him feel better, work out a signal (a certain type of wrapping paper? a decorative bow?) that will let him know discreetly which presents are actually from your mother. Or suggest that you and he swap personal presents before Christmas Day so that he is clear on which presents are from you and which are not actually. Anything to help him also see the spirit in which these gifts were purchased: a way for your mother to welcome him into the family and make sure that he is gifted just like any other of her children.

Then after Christmas, you sit down with your mom and say, "Oh, Christmas was so fun this year, and Raúl really liked all his presents. I did kinda feel like I wanted a bit more input in the shopping process though. How about next year we shop for him together?"
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:59 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]


Best answer: My mom pulls stuff like this too. It gets to a point where it comes off as her saying that she doesn't believe that I am capable of basic human interaction on my own. It can make me crazy, if I allow it to. That being said, this can be a bonding moment for you and your boyfriend. Don't let him go into this unaware. Tell him ahead of time that your mom's co-dependent, suffocating personality has creating a big win for him and you hope that he enjoys it. And then get him the things that you wanted to give him. Let him know that those gifts are from the heart. The ones from your mom are from a laughable, seemingly harmless, psychosis.
posted by myselfasme at 5:03 AM on December 5, 2014 [17 favorites]


Best answer: I'm going to dissent from the majority opinion here: I think your mother is way out of line, and I think that the fact that other people, like the other posters here, tend to defend her behaviour on her behalf has probably always made it very difficult for you to have your voice heard when she has done this kind of thing in the past. The whole world tells you that she is wonderful and kind and generous, and so you feel confused and 'brattish' when your feelings don't tally with how everyone else tells you that you should feel. I say, listen to your feelings. They are valid. You have my permission to be pissed off that you don't get to give your boyfriend a Christmas present from you on your first Christmas together. I would feel the same way.

I would encourage you to do some reading about narcissistic parents - this page in particular seems to sum up your dilemma. I'm not saying that your mother has a narcissistic personality disorder, but this situation implies that she may have narcissistic tendencies. Narcissists tend to work incredibly hard to create a public persona of generosity and virtue, but often this is at the expense of their nearest and dearest; the joy that they give is stolen from others. Your mother's actions here, although superficially generous, are in fact very selfish. The best thing about Christmas is the opportunity to give gifts to our loved ones and show our appreciation of them. Your mother is denying you that chance. The first Christmas that your boyfriend comes home with you is very special, and yet you are now unable to give him a present on that special occasion; if you do give him a present you know that it is not one of those things that he most wants. That's not right.

I am worried that you are afraid to confront your mother because she is 'very sensitive'. If her actions are truly selfless, then the merest hint that she is out of line should result in an instant retreat. If she is prepared to upset her daughter to prove how much she loves her daughter - well, then I'm calling bullshit. I'll bet she has a history of doing nice things for you that confuse you. You feel selfish when she eats the food off your plate, or when she read your diary because she was worried about you, or when she gave you that present she always wanted as a child instead of the thing you really wanted (I also suspect that is why you have already decided to go along with this, because you are already very good at subordinating your own needs to serve hers). If you look back I bet you'll find that her actions often had a subtle price - gratitude to be paid, favours stored up, the requirement that you tell others about her virtues. That's not true generosity.

As for how to handle this particular situation - I would explain to Mom that what you really, really wanted for Christmas was to be able to give a Christmas present to your boyfriend, from you, paid for with your own money, and that you don't want to deceive him by pretending a gift is from you when all you've done is pass on a list to someone else. Tell her she is welcome to give him the presents from her; or else from Santa; or she can return them and get a refund, but that you will be giving him the camera, bought by you, wrapped in paper of your choosing, and that you are sure she'll understand.

Good luck. I hope this doesn't cast a shadow over your holiday season. Remember that relationships are always more important than stuff.
posted by matthew.alexander at 5:32 AM on December 5, 2014 [98 favorites]


I think you should ask her to return 75% of the gifts to amazon. THe rest she can give to your boyfriend herself.
I'm speaking now from the position of a mother, not a daughter. Parents have to learn from their kids how to change to keep up with their children's increasing independence from late childhood into adulthood. Unless your mom is emotionally fragile, her getting upset isn't the end of the world, is it? Unless there are reasons beyond the typical to protect her from any amount of discomfort, you don't necessarily have to coddle her as if she's age 2 or 100; surely this won't be the first time your changing parent-child relationship will cause some friction for one of you.
Tell her that you appreciate her generosity and that she welcomes your boyfriend into the family but as a 30 year old adult woman you choose your own gifts for your boyfriend.
My own teenagers would never allow me to buy gifts for their friends from an amazon list unasked, even though I ultimately pay for whatever they choose, because the idea of a gift is that *you* picked it for the recipient. Otherwise your gift to your boyfriend is really just a gift to you from your mom.
This is about your changing relationship with her, not just the gifts.
posted by third rail at 5:34 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]


Just wanted to echo matthew.alexander. This is classic narcissistic stuff. My mom is a narcissist and my experience and strategy are informed by dealing with my own mom's gift giving. For my birthday this year she sent me a dog in a jack in the box that sings...something. She KNOWS I don't like this stuff, that it's silly and pointless. So I open the box and there it is. Now she also sent me some birthday dough, so she's not completely out of it, but she called about an hour after the package was delivered to see if I liked the dog. No. I didn't. And I could tell her until I'm blue in the face, but she's never going to hear it. Not only that, she would be bitterly hurt if I did.

On important stuff, you stand your ground and insist. This kind of thing....not the hill I want to die on.

So I want to acknowledge that yes, this is narcissistic behavior and you can be mean about it, or you can be kind. As difficult as my relationship is with my mother, I love her and I know that deep down, she's more sinned against than sinning, given her upbringing.

But you do need to be firm. Tell her to return all but one or two of the gifts and to present them as coming from her.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:44 AM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]


The overbuying thing I'd classify as a harmless little quirk, but choosing/paying for presents for you to give to him is definitely a boundary-crossing that I think it worth pushing back against, especially since you say that you sometimes feel controlled by her, you imply that maybe you feel TOO close to her, and you are afraid to make a stand because it might upset her (which to me hints that typically stuff your feelings for the sake of hers, which is not a healthy dynamic between two adults).

Yes, you could just clue in the boyfriend and go along with the charade, but then what happens next time? I think you're right to feel a infantilized by the situation. Even when a child clearly needs help buying presents for significant people in their lives, the parent should take them out shopping together and help the child pick appropriate presents. And certainly by the time they're a teenager, you just give them an appropriate amount of money and send them out shopping on their own. To be picking out presents for your 30-yo child to give to their boyfriend? It just seems so clearly inappropriate to me! If she really feels you need the financial help, then she could give you some extra cash to spend on him. Her feelings may be hurt if you stand up for yourself, but your feelings matter, too, and I don't think you're out of line at all to be seriously bothered by this.
posted by drlith at 5:48 AM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]


You are absolutely not being a brat; she's overstepping your boundaries in a big way and being very controlling.

Here's why:

- buying that many items for one person she's only just meeting? If I were on the receiving end of this I would feel *very* weirded out and smothered--I wouldn't see it as generous and I would be very uncomfortable
- giving you the presents to pretend they're coming from you is dishonest (she wants you to lie to your boyfriend? is that the kind of relationship you want to have with him?)
- buying the presents "to save you money" is infantilizing; did you ask for that kind of help? if not, it's intrusive
- buying something for you to give to your partner takes the joy out of it for you; this is selfish of her, not generous

I could go on, but you get the idea.

I would say to her that she can give him an equal number of presents (and of equal value) that she is giving everyone else. Anything else she can return, and you will buy your own gifts for him, thank you very much, Mom.

It's too bad if she's hurt by this, but you have to draw the line somewhere. If you don't draw it now, you'll go through this every year. Also--she'll wind up doing the same thing with your children. Is this what you want?
posted by Amy NM at 5:53 AM on December 5, 2014 [10 favorites]


I'm with daisyace on this. If my mother did this, I'd be really weirded out. My SO would also be quite uncomfortable with it (and this is our ninth Christmas together!) My mom would never do this in a million years. If she did, I'd be like "Mom, you need to tone this shit down. I really appreciate it if you'd leave some things for me to buy." I suspect your mother's reaction might be indignant, as in "How dare you?! I'm just trying to be generous! Well I never!" If that's the case, save yourself the headache and give her a VERY restricted list next year because it's going to be very hard to talk any sense into her.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:58 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]


Tell her no. I mean, okay, if your mom is Melinda Gates and your boyfriend literally cannot afford to buy any entertainment for himself, maybe let this slide -- but even then, the gifts come from mom, not you.

Seriously, this is not okay. At the very least, you need to tell your boyfriend who these gifts are really coming from, because otherwise he's probably going to have a problem with how much shit you got him, and then it's not his eccentric girlfriend's mom, it's his girlfriend who doesn't have appropriate boundaries.

But a better approach would be to discuss this with your mom. Tell her this is too much, and you're getting your boyfriend gifts from yourself. This is very generous, and she can give him an appropriate amount of these things from herself (maybe whatever amount of stuff you and your siblings are getting), but that is where the line is. Oh, and you will not lie to your boyfriend, there is another line there regarding honesty. If she's trying to give you financial assistance, this is not a good way to accomplish that, and in case, you are doing fine making your own way (or if you need money you will ask her, or whatever is true).
posted by J. Wilson at 6:15 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]


You aren't being a brat. I get that she is one of those people who likes to go overboard for Christmas, but insisting that the gifts come from you is the problem. You are an adult and should be able to select the gifts you wish to give your boyfriend. If your mother wants him to get way too many gifts, she should be the one to give them. That said, I don't see what you can do about this other than (1) warn your boyfriend in advance and roll with it (if he is going to be with you long-term, he might as well get used to these over-the-top Christmases and the boundary pushing) or (2) have that big, uncomfortable talk with your mom.
posted by Area Man at 6:16 AM on December 5, 2014


This would hit every one of my "I am an independent person" buttons, and I would absolutely not accept her offer and throw a shit-fit besides (not that I recommend that, but ooh, I'm getting angry just imagining this). Buying presents on behalf of someone else is for very small children; for an adult it's incredibly infantilizing. Tell her you already bought gifts for him that are not on his wish list, they are personal gifts that you put a lot of thought into selecting. She can return what she doesn't want to give him.

I would particularly address this right now, since this is the first of many Christmasses with partners, perhaps followed by spouses and children. If your other siblings haven't yet brought someone home for the holidays, you'll also be doing a favor to them.
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:29 AM on December 5, 2014 [6 favorites]


This is overstepping, and I agree with others that your mother not being able to handle your saying "No" to this (or asking you beforehand) is a huge problem.

My father is buying a gift "from me" for my aunt, because we're visiting my aunt over the holidays and he knows her much better than I do. I used to buy gifts "from him" for my mother-in-law for similar reasons. Each time, we've asked the other if they want us to do that before doing so, and each time we've clarified the budget or gift ahead of time. While I'm not saying my family is a paragon of functionality, that's at least a model for how this type of thing might work without all the weird boundary issues.

If your mother will truly blow up (or sulk through the end of the year), then I think you can rationally choose to let it go this year; make sure you control her access to information next year (create a separate boyfriend wishlist for her with only a few items on it, or just send links to a few things he may want). If you don't think she'll blow up/sulk but you're just uncomfortable saying something, you might want to work on that part a bit, because being able to say No is an important part of being an adult.
posted by jaguar at 6:30 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]


(Oh, and I meant to say that my father also goes overboard on Christmas. My siblings and I established a monetary limit on gifts a few years ago, and he said, "That's fine. But I'm not going to pay any attention to it, because I want to buy you more than that." He's totally fine with us sticking to the limit for his gifts, because he knows that's what we can afford. To me, that's what actual generosity combined with decent boundaries looks like.)
posted by jaguar at 6:33 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


Best answer: This sounds like exactly the kind of thing my mum would do, and it would be a test. In fact she did do something extremely similar last year, though admittedly without the added passive aggressiveness of pretending everything came from me.

If your boyfriend puts a foot wrong at Christmas these presents will be used against him forever. "I spent all that money on him at Christmas and then he wore his shoes in the house/didn't want to watch the traditional Christmas film/had a nap after Christmas dinner. He's so ungrateful." She is very Guess-y, and expects people to respond to things in exactly the way she wants them to but without her telling them she has these expectations. If this sounds at all like your mum, she has a whole narrative in her head about how this visit will go, down to the last minute, and if it doesn't go according to script IT WILL ALL BE YOUR BOYFRIENDS FAULT, because after all she did her part by buying loads of presents. Saying "no" to her now will also disrupt her Christmas narrative, and that will still be your boyfriend's fault.

I would definitely speak to your boyfriend and pre-warn him about the presents, and also about any other unspoken expectations she has that he might not be aware of.
posted by tinkletown at 6:34 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]


My mother goes super overboard at Christmas and takes gift-giving very seriously and now I am afraid she is going to do this to my boyfriend. But I don't think there's much you can do about it this year.

Fortunately/unfortunately for me, at this point my mom usually doesn't know what to buy me, which sometimes results in big wastes of money (Uggs, mom? Really?) or sometimes results in her giving me cash or a gift certificate, which I generally turn around and use to get her a birthday present.

So, control the flow of information, let her know about a couple of reasonable things she could buy him (and you), or hope for a relatively liquid gift that you can put to some kind of good use.
posted by mskyle at 6:42 AM on December 5, 2014


Nthing everyone who says it's for your mom to make clear that the gifts are from her and to make it clear to her that you're an adult who can pick gifts for your bf yourself.

I was disgusted to learn that gifts I thought were from my grandmother and mother's stepfather had been chosen, wrapped and tagged by my mother. At the time they had the capability to do these things themselves.
posted by brujita at 7:09 AM on December 5, 2014


This would feel really, really weird and not OK to me, but I come from a family where A) I have relatively firm boundaries with my parents, and B) we're not an extravagant gift giving bunch.

The only way I could justify this being kind of OK is that it's always awkward when you spend Christmas with a partner's family, and everyone in their family opens presents, and there's nothing for you (obviously), and you don't know anyone there all that well, and it just feels like that "what do I do with my hands" feeling when you don't have pockets times like a million. But I think that would justify one or two small fun gifts, not expensive items.

I could also see being OK with this if I was financially having a hard time and my mom framed it as "I didn't want you to feel like you couldn't get your SO anything," because I feel like that's a gift to you, not your boyfriend.

But again, I think if you feel not OK with this, that is entirely appropriate.
posted by Sara C. at 7:11 AM on December 5, 2014


I'm late to the party, but - my mom used to do stuff like this. With her, it seemed to be a kind of control issue. She knew she was crossing the line - but she did it anyway. It used to drive me crazy, but calling her on it would result in a huge blow-up. It simply wasn't worth it.

In the situation at hand, I think I'd clue the BF to in to what is happening, and then privately give him an additional gift or two.

And, of course, in the future, only hand out small, carefully edited wish lists to mom (or anyone else, really).
posted by doctor tough love at 7:12 AM on December 5, 2014


There are things on my wish list I don't even want!!

Collude with your BF to send back anything he did not really want. Explain that your mom goes overboard at Christmas.

Don't let your mom in on the secret with your BF.

Enjoy the holiday!
posted by jbenben at 7:15 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]


I would think the easiest thing here is to thank her for the thought and explain that you will not be lying to him about this or anything. Then discuss gently whether she'd like you to go ahead and send some of it back now (ie she gives you her Amazon account credentials and you take care of it) or whether she wants to go ahead and make those his gifts from your family, in which case you will explain what happened to your boyfriend, laugh off the goofiness of it and accept the windfall.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:23 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]


Your mother is being weird and controlling, and there are all sorts of icky, possibly unintended messages in what she's done. Not just the idea that you aren't an adult and can't make your own decisions / afford your own presents, but also the implication that your boyfriend's love needs to be purchased. She doesn't even know him, which makes it inappropriate (in my view) to buy him a lot of stuff. Plus the honesty part of this: getting you to pretend some of the presents are from you reduces your agency, and puts you and your mother on a special team, in a way allied against him, because you've got information he doesn't have. That's bad.

Now to be fair, I'm from an unusually independent family, whereas you say your family is the enmeshed style. So I'm not coming from a "normal" or neutral place. But this would set off all kinds of alarm bells for me. I have friends whose parents do what to me are crazy things -- like, letting themselves into their kids' houses and painting their kitchens while the kids are on holiday, WTF, and I think it's creepy.

I'd say, control what you can control and ignore what you can't. In this situation, that means you should buy your own present for your boyfriend, and ignore your mother's attempts to make you give him something she bought.

I would also have a heads-up conversation with your boyfriend, and tell him what you said here. If I were your boyfriend this would all be red-flag stuff to me, and I would feel better about it the more self-awareness you expressed. But it would seriously give me pause and I'd be worried. I've had partners who were (in my view) unhealthily enmeshed with their family of origin, and I really, really didn't like it. Your boyfriend may or may not be like that.
posted by Susan PG at 7:23 AM on December 5, 2014 [10 favorites]


Plus the honesty part of this: getting you to pretend some of the presents are from you reduces your agency, and puts you and your mother on a special team, in a way allied against him, because you've got information he doesn't have. That's bad.

Susan PG has an excellent point about why you need to tell your boyfriend ahead of time if you don't ask your mother to return the gifts. Lying to your partner to please your mother sets up a very unhealthy dynamic in your romantic relationship.
posted by jaguar at 7:31 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]


My mother in law bus me more than she buys her own son's each Christmas as I am the only other female in the family. It made me uncomfortable, but I have gotten used to it as her son's all just think it's funny and its part of the Christmas tradition that wwax will be undoing presents long after everyone else. Here's the thing she is a kind hearted person out for all she can give, so I take it in that spirit. However out is something that could be done as a method of control, reminding you of your place or trying to buy affection in the wrong hands, only you know your mother well enough to know which it is most likely to be.

I'd thank her, tell her you already bought him his big present though and take a few books and dvds.
posted by wwax at 7:35 AM on December 5, 2014


"Mom, I really appreciate this, my boyfriend will really appreciate this, but please don't ever do something like this again."

"Boyfriend, this is really embarrassing for me, but my mom spent a lot of money on you for Christmas. Please don't get weirded out about it, that's just how she is. She wants me to say they're from me, but it was all her, just kinda pretend to be surprised."
posted by empath at 7:58 AM on December 5, 2014 [7 favorites]


I'm sort of in your boyfriend's position this year...spending a first Christmas with my in-laws, and although they aren't buying presents for my partner to give to me, they did tell me my wish list was NOT LONG ENOUGH!! (Sort of awkward as my family is not huge on gifts...I had already thougth my list was long!) In your position, I would talk to your boyfriend, let him in on the situation, and decide as a couple how you want to handle it. (In our case, we are choosing to laugh about it and see it as a way that my partner's family wants to welcome me into the fold as another kid in the family...it is 100% meant as a gesture of love, so we are choosing to embrace it in the spirit it is given.)

I think it will help for you and boyfriend to work as a team on this whatever way you decide to go. You could say just go with your mom's plan this time around, give him the "really from you, selected and paid for by you" presents privately before you leave for the trip, and then course correct next year (i.e. refuse to give her the full wishlist next year!). Or you could decide to have a talk with your mom...if you do that, I would say something like, "I cannot control which gifts you decide to give boyfriend, and this is really generous. But, I'm sure you understand that I want to select and pay for MY gifts to him myself...I love you a lot and I really appreciate this gesture, but I feel like this is part of being in an adult relationship." Extra gifts that she's not willing to give herself could be returned or held in reserve for birthdays/future holidays.

If I was in your shoes, I think my decision would be based in part on your interpretation of whether she's truly doing this in a misguided attempt to be loving, generous, and inclusive, or whether this is a controlling attempt to violate your boundaries. As you can see from the above responses, people have had experiences in both camps! Only you really have all the information to know which is going on here. If it seems like this is part of a bad pattern that you feel like you need to work on, by all means do so (gently!). But if your mom is just really excited to welcome someone new into the family and this is part of her trying to make the day as SPECIAL! and AMAZING! as possible, then I would probably let it go and laugh privately with boyfriend about how your mom is kinda kooky.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:16 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I want to (re)chime in here in defense of the more lenient/tolerant answers. Look, I 100% agree that what she is doing is stepping over your boundaries majorly. But (and maybe I was projecting here) I got the feeling that you haven't called her out for this kind of stuff before. Maybe a little here or there, but not putting your foot down hard.

My mother pulls stuff like this all the time. She used to come visit me when I was living on my own and go to the grocery store and buy hundreds of dollars worth of food, then cook all kinds of meals and freeze them in individual serving size Tupperware, all while clucking and tsking about how I was managing to survive on 3 apples and a box of pasta. It made me feel infantilized, like she couldn't even trust me to feed myself at the age of 25.

She also used to invite herself to visit, deciding when and for how long she would stay, and then running it by me after the plan had been made. This drove me bonkers, but I never said anything, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. One time, I had had enough, and I told her that the weekend she picked wasn't convenient for me, and maybe it would be better if she didn't come. Was that the right thing to do? Sure was. However, she got SO HURT and SUPER OFFENDED and then stopped calling me on the phone for 5 weeks (which, to be honest, I kinda liked, as she used to call me every other day). Eventually she decided to forget it happened and things got back to normal.

In retrospect, I wish I would have handled that differently. I wish I would have been brave enough to speak up before, every time she planned a visit, to take the control back in smaller, and then gradually bigger and bigger ways, instead of putting my foot down hard all of a sudden and upsetting her. That's actually how I ended up handling the grocery shopping thing - I made sure to thank her for the effort and money she had given to me, and then made small suggestions ("You know, I'm just one person here, so if you buy me so much fresh produce, it will spoil before I get to it!" "Hey, I basically eat at least one sandwich every day, so putting the loaf of bread in the freezer [where I can't find it . . .] isn't really the best idea."). Now when she visits, she asks me to take her shopping and tell her what I want her to prepare, so I can have a store of Mom's cooking in the freezer that I actually asked for.

I predicated my answer on the idea that you and your mother have a generally good relationship that you want to keep, and I think a big display of independence all at once, right around the holidays, is likely to do some damage that I assumed you didn't want. That's why I took the tack of your mother having her heart in the right place and just not knowing how to do this. I'm 30 myself, and I'm still working this out with my own mother, whom I love to death. As a matter of fact, I'm not spending Christmas with my family for the first time this year; my boyfriend and I are going to spend it with his folks. When I was up for Thanksgiving last weekend, my mother wondered aloud what she should do with my Christmas stocking - after all, I wouldn't be there to open it on Christmas Day. I suggested I take it, but let's be honest, I'm not going to put chocolates and gift cards in my own stocking, and we don't even have a mantle to hang it from. Mom replied that it would make her sad to give it to me, and yet she logically knows there is no reason for her to even hang it up this year. "I just don't know what to do," she wondered, and why would she? I'm the oldest.

No, she's not 2 or 100, but be kind with her.
posted by chainsofreedom at 8:18 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]


To look at his another way: suppose he had given that wish list to others who asked about it, and nobody else was able to buy the gifts because she has already done it? That can be awkward for so many people.
posted by SillyShepherd at 8:29 AM on December 5, 2014 [9 favorites]


Tell your mom kindly and firmly that you're going to give your boyfriend a gift on your own, and she can give whatever gifts she wants.

You can't stop your mother from doing inappropriate things. Any boundary you make is for you : "If you buy gifts on my behalf, I won't give them as gifts from me." It can also be good to be clear about how her actions affect you. "I feel __________ when/because you do X." It can be very hard to get used to saying no to a parent or to say straight out that you feel bad when they do certain things. It does get easier when you start to believe that your feelings and needs are as important as those of your parent.

Of course, her wanting to buy all those gifts for your boyfriend is unusual. I don't really know what you should say about that, if anything. But definitely do talk with him about it before she gets a chance to smother him with presents.
posted by wryly at 10:28 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


And another way to look at it: if your sister or your best friend had done what your mother did, how would you feel? I'd feel creeped out, and alarm bells about what she wants, and buying his affection, and like a wedge was put there by someone else, and agency-compromised -- all the stuff that SusanPG said. Is your mother a special exception, in your relationship with your boyfriend? No. Just, no.

Be glad that you have the opportunity to quash it ahead of time, and do so. Give her an explicit boundary in terms of a dollar value that she can give him, and then enforce it.
posted by Dashy at 10:33 AM on December 5, 2014 [3 favorites]


Others have listed good suggestions on how to proceed above, but I wanted to chime in to validate your reaction here. You are certainly not a brat at all to feel uncomfortable with this. I'd hate it, and I'd feel guilty for hating it.

I can pinpoint why I'd hate it: if she had truly just wanted to help you out at gift-buying time, why not just slip you some money "for the holidays?" Now you don't get to choose what to buy for your partner? Your mom does? Gross, no, nope.

I don't know if generosity and control are mutually exclusive here. I feel comfortable saying this move was very generous, and also controlling/boundary violating.

I hope your boyfriend has a good sense of humor. If so, the year your mom got your man all these baller gifts will become a classic joke for the two of you.
posted by kapers at 11:03 AM on December 5, 2014 [4 favorites]


Put me in the camp of "no way." I think it definitely oversteps the boundaries of a woman and her mom, let alone a woman's significant other and her mom. He's been your boyfriend of 2.5 years? What has she done in year's past? Is this out of character for her? You say that you've felt controlled by her generosity before. I think you need to send it all back. I mean, I put all sorts of things on my wishlist that are more like "this is interesting" and I'd be mortified if I received them all. She's either having some kind of medical event or she's trying to push your boundaries. Maybe she wants to forcibly pull him into the family -- "Marry my daughter, already!" If she has money burning a hole in her pocket, tell her she can make a donation to one of you and your boyfriend's favorite charities.
posted by amanda at 11:07 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


Yes, it's boundary crossing and a bit weird. You are not being a brat. But, I think that many people aren't 100% freaking about it because as boundary crossing goes, this seems a bit more benign or well-intentioned than some other stuff that boundary crossers do. If you're worried about her being super sensitive, maybe this is your cue to start gently pushing the boundaries back to where they're more normal.

Regardless, at the very least, I think that you need to let your boyfriend in on it. Explain that she goes mega overboard and gets overexcited and has some boundary issues. Be transparent about it and share with him how you plan to proceed (maybe give him your gifts at another occasion). Let him know that her nutty Christmas bonanza does not require any reciprocity. And, he's welcome to return/exchange anything he doesn't want. He's just now one of her family targets and he doesn't need to feel like he's obligated to return the generosity with equal fervor.

I think you have an obligation to tell him and prepare him for this. I would be very angry if I got set-up like this by my partner and wasn't made aware.

[this also makes me want to clean up my Amazon wish-list! Yikes.]
posted by quince at 11:30 AM on December 5, 2014 [2 favorites]


What she did is weird. This is what I would do.

1. don't argue and take the stuff.

2. donate half, tuck away the other half hidden in your house.

3. on christmas or christmas eve you and your boyfriend exchange your personal gifts to each other (your gift being whatever you were going to buy him before your mom did this).

4. at family christmas, you give him one or 2 books from your mom's stash

5. if mom asks where the rest of the stuff is, say "santa left some surprises at our place!"

6. once home, explain to your boyfriend what your mom did and how you felt it overstepped your boundaries and dictated your relationship with him. then ask if he wants the rest of the stash or would also like to donate that portion.

Boom. Most good done did with least issue.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:46 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


Her motives are good, and much applause to her for being so loving. But she is undermining your autonomy and stepping into your relationship. Tell her how much you love her generosity and thoughtfulness, but let her know she needs to return (x items) and that you will be independently buying and wrapping (x items.)

The only way to grow up sometimes is to talk to your parent(s) honestly about where your boundaries are and ask them to respect them. And be positive about it, because she really does sound like a lovely person who went a bit too far trying to help.
posted by bearwife at 11:55 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


1. Accept the gifts and thank your mother.
2. For Christmas, give your boyfriend those items which degrade in value quickly (ie cameras, etc)
3. Stash the rest of the items and gift these to him over the next year.
posted by BeaverTerror at 12:29 PM on December 5, 2014


I've been thinking about this one all day! I have known some major boundary crossers in my life. Your mom is not being mean-spirited or nasty, but man does this seem trying to deal with! Boundary crossing is selfish. It's funny to think of buying someone else a ton of presents as a selfish activity, but that's exactly what this is. Your mom has now inserted herself into your relationship with your boyfriend. Gifts are very personal - she is making your gift to him about herself. She's taking something that is about you and your boyfriend and making it about her. That is the definition of selfishness.

A boundary crosser doesn't have to be a mean or cruel person. Some of the kindest people I've known have been boundary violators of the worst sort. You can kill people with kindness, too, you know (to borrow Bob Dylan's quote after being booed off the stage at Newport).

To heck with your mother's "sensitivity" here. Tell her you appreciate the thought but that it's too much and it makes you uncomfortable. Tell her your boundary here and let it make her feel a bit bad. You are not responsible for her feelings. You can't make her feel anything: her feelings are her own.

Just because giving someone presents is a nice thing to do in general does not make this ok. I would feel so weird if my boyfriend's mom did this to me. So weird. You'd probably feel weird if his mom did this to you. Don't put your boyfriend in that awkward position. Put yourself in an awkward place by telling your mom how you feel instead. It will be tough but it will be worth it.
posted by sockermom at 12:49 PM on December 5, 2014 [5 favorites]


Wow. So many different opinions ranging from your mom is loving but misguided all the way to calling her an overstepping, weird and controlling narcissist.

Why don't you just ask her why she did this?
posted by kinetic at 2:07 PM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]


I would just like to point out that regardless of the diversity of opinion on whether this is weird, loving, gross, or all of the above, you can't address this (either internally or with your mother) as "crossing a boundary" when it sounds like you've never set any with her.

That's OK because adult relationships with parents evolve. You can start learning how to set loving, firm boundaries as you move forward. But it's not fair to accuse her of or think of her as crossing a boundary you've never told her was there.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:58 PM on December 6, 2014 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment- your answers gave me a lot of food for thought.

You helped me realize that it was the thought of receiving effusive gratitude from my boyfriend for gifts my mother had bought (while the she overlooked) that was making me feel weird and uncomfortable. Plus I really, really like hunting down perfect gifts for the people I love.

I also realized that maybe this is part of an ongoing issue with my mother which I haven't been totally honest with myself about.

Taking the advice of many, I spoke to my boyfriend and explained the situation. He was pretty surprised and overwhelmed, but he knows my mother and felt touched by the generosity.

Your comments made me see how scared I am of upsetting my mother, and matthew.alexander's comments about narcissism really hit home. I don't think my mother is a narcissist- she's not nasty. But this really resonated: 'Her actions often had a subtle price - gratitude to be paid, favours stored up, the requirement that you tell others about her virtues.'

Reading the comments gave me the courage to challenge my mother, which I don't think I'd seriously considered before. I told her last week that I wanted to give the gifts she's bought my boyfriend 'from the family' and I felt uncomfortable lying about getting the items myself.

I was gentle and a little humorous, rather than assertive or confrontational, and while she did not agree ('it would just be so much easier for you to give them darling') I do think she at least saw where I was coming from.

I marked a few answers that struck a chord, but everyone's perspective really helped me think through this, and this has made me wonder if my debilitating habit of doubting my instincts might have something to do with my dear old mother.

Thank you thank you. I'm so touched by the kindness and so impressed by the insight I've found here.
posted by Dwardles at 9:06 AM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]


« Older Help me wear my clothing (not R rated, no nudity...   |   SunglassesFilter - How do I make this pair of... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.