how to get over a breakup when you don't want the person back, but feel no closure? (note:very long)
posted by teaforone to Human Relations (22 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Okay, so this might be a bit lengthy but please bear with me. It will be in two parts. The backstory, and then everything I am confused about. I apologize again for the length.
Okay, so on and off I get all depressed about this relationship's ending. Sometimes I feel fine, but other times I become so debilitated emotionally.
Onto the backround behind all of this...
Okay, so I met this guy back in high school. I will just use the letter "X" in place of his name. So X and I had a few classes together, and we used to joke around alot. He would wait for me after class to walk to our next class together pretty much everyday. We used to talk on the phone for hours, but nothing really came of it. Out of the blue I realized I liked him alot and I told him. Once I did he became distant and started saying I stalked him because he would always see me in the halls. (um, yeah..we had similar classes, so wtf?) but yes, we still spoke here and there, but he became a bit arrogant. I guess this is why I became more attracted to him, it was now a game. Eventually we hung out a few times a few months later and he decided he liked me back.blah blah blah
During those 3 years we hung out quite often, and eventually he moved into the city.. we only saw eachother on the weekends from here on out. we would alternate weekends. As the years went by I realized he put others before me. He was used to me just "being there" I suppose. I noticed how he seemed to always have to have someone else around. We were never alone except during intimate moments, or a random walk around my town. We ended the relationship because we felt like we grew apart. During this relationship we also liked other people, but we got through it. I guess things just take their toll. We ended things around Feb. that year.
So, after things ended he told me he would never be with me ever again.. and to move on and date other people since he was done.
Things during that next year weren't so bad, since we still had contact. I did try to move on though... nothing lasted because i felt ill being with someone else so soon.
He and I still visited once in a while...but it was very tough not being intimate, and well..things happen. Of course he said he still didn't want to be with me, I just think I was comfy, so I kept pushing.
So then September rolls on in, and my family has an annual camping trip to the beach. X decided to come along. It was quite difficult not to be with one another. We were inimate a few times during this trip. I felt great because I felt X felt how I did...
Next thing I know, he is distant again. I start dating someone else. This guy was very good looking and funny, but I still felt wrong being with someone while healing still. I obviously wasn't ready.
I went to my ex's family's christmas eve party, and after that we were kind of seeing eachother again.
I MUST INCLUDE I AM BEST FRIENDS WITH HIS SISTER, AND HIS BROTHER IS DATING MY SISTER (I know....I know..that makes it harder to get on with it!)
By that next February he makes it official, and we are seeing each other. Things are fine, but we did discuss life without one another. I tell him the truth because that is just how I am. He became so sad, and said I was a liar and I betrayed him, and he will have a hard time trusting me. I told him I was with other guys, because HE TOLD ME TO MOVE ON. It hurt me that he felt this way. I actually started to believe I was a horrible person because I did those things. I thought it was what he wanted, but apparently not. He said he said those things to move on, but he still loved me.
so these next 3 years (yes, that number!) we are pretty good, but then I start to develop depression and anxiety. I became super dependent on X.
I had to follow certain rules of his, or else he would leave me. I had to always be covered, so guys could not stare at me. No pictures of me was I allowed to even show a bare shoulder. I had to attend family parties and events, because if I couldn't be close with his family, he couldn't be with me. I was forbidden to talk with any males unless they were friends of his, and even then he accused me of flirting with them. I couldn't talk to any ex's for any reason AT ALL. he was insecure...I knew this and felt bad, so I abided by his rules because I put him before myself. Although, he didn't see it this way.
We went on a roadtrip back in 2008 and it was fun, but I felt a weird connection. At times I would be experiencing my anxiety and I felt bad, and he would scream at me. I ended up experiencing "lady times" a bit early and got sick, he was upset about this.
I remember one time during this trip I stared at him and he looked like a complete stranger. I felt so off..I didn't know what to do.
When we returned home, he was happy..but I still felt that weirdness. Eventually, I became confused over what I wanted. I asked for a break, but he said "it's either we are together or we are not, that's it!" So, that was it..
A month went by and I started talking to a close guy friend also from high school. We got along very well, and I started hanging out with him. The last time X and I ended, and I thought it was the end..I dated this old friend. It didn't work out of course.. I guess old feelings were still there.
While I was with this new guy "W", his best friend died. I felt I had to be there for W, even though X was trying to get me back.
I really though it was the end for X and I...but he kept pushing.
Since my sister and his brother started dating amidst all this..it was harder to avoid one another. He would go to things with them, and I would be there. He would be following me around like a lost puppy, crying, begging. He told me how right before we broke up he spoke to his family and mother about how he was going to ask me to marry him that winter. I felt horrible.
So, eventually we got back together.
It was very good for those next 5 months...we baked and cooked together alot. We rode bikes everywhere and went on mini adventures to take pictures with one another. It was good... but then, he moved in with me and my family...
As soon as he did he went a bit nutty again. He went through my phone, my emails, my facebook messages.. he followed me around my house. I didn't even get to spend time with my sister because he would always be there taking my time away. Soon enough we became a bit violent. I remember we were watching a martial arts film, and we would playfight alot. I started up, and he was being funny, but I guess I hit him the wrong way. I pushed him away then stood up. he then proceeded to claw at my chest and tore my shirt off. In front of his brother! The other time he got physical, is when he punched me in the back when I caught him in a lie. He felt horrible... but I just stayed. It didn't happen often, and I frequently blamed myself for causing it.
I felt the urge to escape. Of course, I took part in all this wrong doing and spoke with another guy "C". It was mostly innocent talk. We played videogames with the same group of people almost every night. But I realized as time went by HOW MUCH stuff I had in common with this guy. The kind of weird coincidence kind of stuff where I would listen to a song, and he just listened to it. Or talking about a movie you love, and he just watched it. this happened on a daily basis with he and I. I then realized that I shouldn't be scared to be on my own, because there are other people out there.
So, yes.. horrible me..I developed feelings for this guy. I don't know if it was genuine, or because he was like a saviour for my emotions.
I ended up telling X my true feelings..before anything got crazy. It was hard because he lived with me. I felt horrible, but he had a great job with a great salary. He has lived on his own alot..so I knew it wouldn't be hard in that department. heh..
okay..so this will enter now into Pt.II of this mess..
So, we ended things. He left for about 2 weeks and slept on his friends couch. his friend's girlfriend was there too...so I feel like that may have made it harder. But eventually he came back to stay with me. We spoke about life being single, and he said he enjoys it..he enjoys meeting new people. I told him that it's a great thing. I never held him back from meeting people...so I was guessing he was talking about girls.
I told him I still had feelings for C, but I knew I needed a long time before jumping into anything after all that time. he snickered.
While he was back, we shared a bed..and intimate moments happened. Mostly, his idea. I felt off.. especially when he begged for me to kiss him. :\
Eventually..he would come home really late and be texting other girls on my bed. He would place his phone above my head and it would go off at 1am, stuff like "thinking of you", or "thanks for the great date". he was meeting girls in bars, and taking them on dates the next day. he would then talk massive crap about me to them, then come home and sleep next to me. One night, I confronted him and he said I had no right to look at his phone (funny coming from him). I told him it would wake me up and it was disrespectful. I mean, to be honest..we were both being disrespectful, but I felt like To keep it out of sight would be less hurtful.
So, I kicked him out. He slept in his car...I went out and gave him a blanket and pillow and offered the couch because I (once again) felt bad. He said no. that next weekend, after I came home from work, all his stuff was gone, and a note was left on the floor that said "bye". he moved in with his best friend's family. Mind you, I was best friends with his girlfriends brother for 3 years. So, she wasn't a stranger. And I remember she would come out in a bikini top and walk past me to flirt. I was like "oookay.." My ex used to call her his little sister, even more gross. I just, never got good vibes from her. She was kind of pompous about herself.
Now... not even a month after we were intimate, he is apparently involved with the little sister. They went on a roadtrip alone and he was "instantly" in love with her.
I was so confused because everything she was, was what he hated.
he would go around telling people how I was a horrible person for what I did. and yet...his girlfriend did it to the guy she was with not even a month before they got together. How can he say this stuff, but accept it in her instantly? (I know alot of her ex's..hence how I know this stuff) She basically was giving massages and hanging out with my ex while with her boyfriend, stating she didn't have feelings, even though she did.
So then he just changed instantly. No one recognized who he was anymore. I became depressed and wondered if I was dating a lie, but his sister said he was the same X she knew her whole life, and now she doesn't recognize him. He changed for this girl in a millisecond.
he bought them matching t-shirts (I know alot because same circle unfortunately), always proclaiming his love for her, etc.. Stuff he never did for me. they even dressed up as characters for halloween, where the girl character looked like me ( i have been told often). I remember asking him why he did this same stuff with her that he did with me, he said "I have to do it to get over you!"...that seems a bit like a illogical way to do so.
Also, our body types are different. I am not judging anyone here. If you like different things, that's awesome. more flavor to life! But I am going by what he fed me. All he would do is say how he felt sick about super skinny girls. He used to tell me he thought my sister had an eating disorder, and this girl was about 25 pounds smaller.
when i asked him about this too, he said " well, if she wasn't strong i wouldn't be with her". I know, I am an idiot for asking..but I was so confused with how quickly he went against everything he ever told me. I never forced him into liking anything, it was his own attraction. he loves large breasts and curves, every girl I knew he was attracted to had these features. This girl is 90lb and built like a 14 year old. Nothing against her, no one choose their bodies.
So eventually I am told random things about how she has anxiety and he waits 3 hours for her outside just in case. And yet, he hated my anxiety.
She gets sick often and is bed ridden during her period. (i feel bad for this girl..) but once again, he would seem to hate having to deal when i was sick. even when i was in the hospital, he laid in the bed with me..and i was falling out, i just had surgery, and he would laugh!
he never sees his family ever. even though he lives 5 minutes closer. proclaiming he has school, or somewhere else to be. funny how he would threaten our relationship..and now he is fine.
his sisters believe he is in a cult with how he changed. this is their own observations..so please don't think i fed them this idea. they miss the hell out of him, and sometimes i feel guilty being close to them..because i feel this is why he stays away. they say "no, he chooses not to see us. you do, we all love you in this family.. we do miss him, but he doesn't put the effort in".
okay, now this one is weird. he goes to nude beaches with her.
where i wasn't allowed to have even a shoulder out, here he is displaying her naked.
she is allowed to hang out with guys whenever she wants, and if X isn't around, she hangs out with ex's.
yeah...hmmmm apparently he doesn't like this but says "i know she loves me ". yup, because I DIDN'T LOVE HIM FOR RESPECTING HIM when we were together.
I know it's dumb of me to say, and wrong and pointless... But I really wish that he didn't move on so quickly after several years. I remember telling him "you should take some time for yourself before anything serious again". and he said "why would i listen to my ex"?
he had a point. but i was just trying to be a friend..
what hurts the most now is that he ignores me. he acts like i never existed. tells mutual friends how he regrets ever wasting any time with me. he says he learned everything he possibly can from me, so there is nothing left to learn.. which is hurtful since i have grown TONS since we ended.
i just figured since our siblings are dating, i am still close with his fam..he could see past our past and be neutral.
it hurts that after 3 years, he is in "love" but if he sees me in public, he has to hide, turn his back, or leave the room. he can't be in the same room as me. i went to a mutual friend of ours presentation, and he and i were both there. i said hi, as did he.. when he sat behind me he kept rustling with papers and not being able to sit still. i felt he was nervous. he instantly shot outside and hid behind the front door talking with our friends.
why this behavior if you are in love with someone else?
his girlfriend gives me weird vibes because she is the type to stand right next to me, or stare at me like she owns the place..while he hides. but she did get upset over a picture of X's sister and i by saying " i feel i will never get close to your family because of her." X's sister's response: "You never try to hang out or call me up. I am always here, and you guys never are." they still put no efforts in.
I did feel bad about this, as I mentioned above. But once again, the sisters always come to my defense and say he is being an idiot, and it isn't my fault for him not being there.
The mother says no one really knows this girl he is with, and how he and I are more compatible now that we aren't together.
as i said..i grew alot. I bought my own car, I traveled and explored parts of europe alone, even performing there... but once in a while, this stint keeps bothering me deeply.
my only reasoning behind all this is that he lives in a huge house FOR FREE and yet makes over 70G a year. he has a nice sports care, which I helped him buy. (I wanted to!) he has 5 pets and lives with his best friend and girlfriend. so he can always go to one or the other when one is occupied. i feel like he is in love with the comfort she brings, and not necessarily her. hence why he makes excuses for her being disrespectful to him... he doesn't want to lose what she brings into his life.
i am also friends with her brother's ex. ha! (i hate these circles) and she says her ex, and X are like the same person. she used to think they were freethinkers, but now they are clones. they even drive the same car and everything. (cult? ;P)
i can't speak for their relationship though. maybe they fight often, but he sacrifices to have THAT life.
it's sad... i just wish things could be neutral.
how can i get over this thing?
i have to hear about it, see his family often, all this stuff.
how can someone change so quickly, and talk crap about someone else who does the same things he accepts now?
i most note I DON'T WANT HIM BACK. I don't even find him attractive at all. it's so weird... I just want neutrality, where we can all hang out without any tension!
i just don't get it...
if you read this the whole way through, i really appreciate it.