My girlfriend might have a girlfriend, and we might have a problem.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (55 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
My girlfriend (we'll call her Jane) and I have been together for six years and have a 3-year old daughter and a nice home and life together. Enter the lesbian co-worker (we'll call her Sam). Jane develops a friendship, then a crush, and eventually can't stop thinking about Sam. They flirt innocently at first. Jane is in a stupor until she finally confesses to me how obsessed she is. She's 30, has never experimented, etc. I have done the whole group thing, and I don't blame her. Now might be a good time to mention Jane and I have the mixed blessing of total honesty in our relationship.
So we discuss it, and I warn her it can complicate friendships (from experience), remind her that they still have to work together, and say if she still thinks it's a good idea, I won't begrudge her wanting to try it out. I also think of it differently, right or wrong, than I would if she wanted to mess with a guy. I have that equipment. I also tell her I'm scared (and a little turned on) about it, but hey love, set free, all that. Mostly I want her happy, and I don't want her resenting me for caging her. She thinks maybe it'll pass, but eventually ends up telling Sam, who's very interested, and they agree beforehand it can be totally NSA, just friends having fun.
Sam has a roommate (an ex, dunno what's really going on there), and they certainly weren't going to come to our house, so they met up a couple days ago for drinks and then went to a park and had some fun.
Jane came home feeling guilty, wondering why I let her do that, said it was tawdry to plan it out that way, etc. She was also very turned on and we had a marathon.
Anyway, so on to the feelings. She loves our life together and doesn't want to mess it up. She also wants to spend more time with Sam, but it doesn't seem logistically possible. She doesn't identify as a lesbian, says she's squicked out by another vagina, but is afraid she'll fall for Sam anyway.
So today she tried telling Sam nothing else will happen because she can't do two relationships. Sam cries, Jane cries, then waffles, and then everyone's hurt. So much for NSA.
On my end, I don't know if I can share. Again, logistics, but also I don't know if I'm strong enough to say sure, you get two. Fair play would be I get a mistress too, but I don't really have any desire to do so. Also, don't know if Sam can share anyway. Don't know much about Sam.
Sorry for the length, and I know we may have made some missteps, but please help me do the right thing from here forward. She's confused, I'm confused, and again, I just want everyone to be happy, even if it hurts at first. So do your worst.
Do I say something like hey it was supposed to be NSA, any more is a deal breaker?
Do I say go figure out which side is greener, but get off the fence?
Do I say hey it's the twenty-first century, let's talk about an open relationship? If so... how? Our daughter is top priority.
Do I say I'm sorry you're having trouble, but I'm staying out of this? (kind of what I've been doing - I don't want to be resented.. but is no decision a decision that will cost me?)
Do I say hey stop waffling, you already said you don't want to mess anything up and put the brakes on, and this infatuation will pass?
Throwaway email: email@example.com
I have a lot more questions, but I think you can anticipate them. Thank you in advance.