Cutting line and fishing
September 5, 2012 8:14 PM Subscribe
I broke up with my boyfriend when I moved across the country several months ago, because of the distance. Now I want to date him long-distance. Should I talk to him about it or wait it out and hopefully stop wanting to date him? Flurries inside.
posted by momus_window to human relations (12 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
We're both 30-somethings, I moved for grad school. He has moved cross country twice in three years, and really loves the town where we met, so he's not moving. I love the town where we met and want to move back in ~2 years. We dated a bit over a year before I moved.
We've both been in awful long-distance relationships, including awful moving to end the distance, so a few weeks after he expressed not wanting to move, I said I thought we should break up when I moved.
We have a lot of friends in common. Most of the close ones seemed sincerely sad that we were planning to break up. We held it together pretty well before I left, but the night before we held each other and bawled for a bit. Hearing him cry was probably the most awful I've felt.
Currently, we talk on the phone about once a week for ~45 minutes and text or email a couple times a week - mostly light stuff, interesting pictures, how-was-your-week. He wants to send me something valuable that he has a spare of. He was an absolute champ helping me pack my moving van. He is a wonderful friend (not just to me). We love/miss each other. We have similar goals for the future (no kids, house, chickens...). There are some annoyances I let slide because I was moving anyhow, but nothing deal-breaking. The sex was awesome.
I was still a bit torn up from a breakup and drama with (ex-)close friends when we met, and I knew I'd be moving, so it took me a long time to open up to the relationship and say I loved him, and neither of us really said it much because we knew it would hurt more later. I would like to try to date him again with more emotional skin in the game. However, I also have a habit of re-dating people after a breakup and get that it's not particularly healthy. And I haven't been really single for more than three months in five(?) years.
I've been actively dating people in my new (small) town. I have dated/messaged my way through most everyone who's seems even decently compatible. I've tried several sites, no dice. I have a good social life / friends otherwise for just having moved here, and am settling into the new town pretty well. It's not like I'm staying at home crying; I have a pretty full life and I still miss him a lot. I'm also fairly sure I've untangled missing-old-city from missing-him (and also missing-having-someone from missing him).
Options I'm considering:
- Ask if he's interested in being my guy again, probably over skype. I'm open to hearing yes or no. I would respect a no, and it would help me get over him.
- Continue contact with him, but spend the next three months dating other people / trying to "get over him by getting under someone else", and if I still want to date him then, talk to him about it in person when I visit my former city.
- Conventional wisdom: Cut contact indefinitely until I'm over him. This only goes so far as he hangs out with my best friend at least weekly and we have other mutual friends. If you suggest this, please provide advice beyond "just ask your friends not to mention him" as this was a problem last time I had to cut ties with someone.