Have I done something wrong, and if so, how will I know? I haven't had a crush in so long that I'm not sure whether I'm behaving normally or not, and I don't know how to deal. Long, involved, and socially awkward inside.
posted by windykites to human relations (15 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Ok, so, I have a completely unrealistic and inappropriate crush on someone who is respected, married, probably old enough to be my father, and in a position of leadership in my world (yes, I know, I know, I have a therapist, I am working on my daddy issues). I know that my crush is absurd and silly and I have no intentions of trying to make it go anywhere other than AWAY.
I've never really spent time with this fellow, I don't know him well personally- this individual is sort of a "personality" in my circles, which is how I came to know of and develop said crush on them. Anyways, I and a group of my peers had the privilege of having lunch with this person.
I fluctuated wildly between avoiding speaking to/making eye contact with this person altogether and hanging raptly on their every word. (I am kind of like that with everybody but it was to the nth degree with this fellow, and far less than usual with everybody else).
Aside from the whole "ignoring people is rude", I don't believe that I said or did anything inappropriate, and this person was incredibly pleasant, charming and gracious.
I am typically an awkward gal. I don't think I was behaving especially weirdly, for me. (I mean, it was probably obvious that I was slightly in awe of/ crushing on this person, but it's not like I was hitting on them or something).
I regressed pretty badly in terms of my awkward/ bashful/ selfconscious/ childishness, but I wasn't actually doing anything awful, or so I thought.
A little while later I was by myself at another venue, and I happened to see this person. I tried to make friendly eye-contact/nodding gestures, but they did not respond. I am trying to choose to believe that they did not see me rather than believing that they were avoiding me. However, that was when I had my first inkling that maybe I said or did something wrong after all.
That person had invited me to add them on facebook, which I did, and they accepted my add and sent a polite and friendly "thanks-for-adding-me" standard type message. I know that nothing on facebook matters in real life but it's part of the scenario so I'm including it.
What I don't understand is why I have been a tense awkward anxious mess since that encounter, which was several days ago, and why, every time I think about that encounter or even that person, or read their facebook message, I am so painfully overcome with embarassment and shame that I almost cry (and I did actually, the day of).
If I'm this embarassed, I must have done something wrong, right?
And so I keep going over this encounter, looking for clues, and also trying to gauge the situation by completely ridiculous markers (i.e. nobody who was there has contacted me since then! That must mean I did something horribly embarassing and none of them want to be seen with me! I hate myself and I never want to go outside again! Those people don't actually like me and now they have a reason not to pretend any more! What am I going to do!?)
What am I going to do? I feel afraid to go and be around these people and I don't know how to behave or function and I want to either stop thinking about this or know what I did wrong. And I want to know how you're supposed to behave around someone that you have an unwanted crush on. What's the protocol? I'm going to talk to my therapist, but I thought y'all would have some insight.