Paying Mom Back

August 15, 2012 9:19 AM

Should I give my mom money so she can stop working?

My mother is the most important person in my life. She's a wonderful, sweet, 59 year old woman and I want desperately to do right by her. She has a few mild-moderate health problems, but nothing major. She's worked office jobs for the past 10 years or so. Mom has always been bad with money - never making much and always spending what comes in. She's so generous and selfless; buying things for others rather than putting any away for herself.

Mom sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings when we were younger - going from welfare and food stamps to educating herself and acquiring real skills so she could work and make ends meet as a single parent. I had a wonderful childhood that paid off as I was able to get a great education and now I make more than enough money for me and my family. Mom still lives paycheck to paycheck, just getting by as she gets older.

I'm considering giving my mother a lump sum of money so she can stop working for a while (say a year or so). Not enough so she could retire forever, but enough to give her a break. My concerns are as follows:

1) She's bad with money. Won't she just spend away the money I give her until she has to go back to work?

2) I think working keeps people healthy and thriving. Mom can be kind of a hermit and I would hate to see her isolate herself without having to get up and go to work every day.

3) Is it common for people to 'share the wealth' within their family if they can afford it? Am I a selfish bastard by having so much more savings and monthly income than my parents while I watch them struggle?

Other background info: Her new husband works too (and will continue to). He doesn't make a lot of money but his income foots most of the bills and provides insurance.

posted by anonymous to human relations (29 answers total)

It seems like it would be better to invest in something that would keep her secure no matter what happens with her money or her marriage, like paying off her mortgage (or, if she rents, making a real estate investment she can live in).

You could definitely give her a stipend - maybe from a fund that feeds out a regulated amount to keep things from getting too crazy - so that she could work only part time, keeping her involved in the world but making sure she's not struggling.

You could also work with her to get her utilities and other regular bills to come from an account you put money into, so that she doesn't need to worry about them. That would also prevent her from spending what you're trying to help her with.

And, it probably wouldn't hurt to get her in the same room as a compassionate, wise financial advisor with a reputation for working with hard cases like hers to help her see a better spending path that makes her happy without compromising the comfort of her future.
posted by batmonkey at 9:25 AM on August 15, 2012 [23 favorites]

1. Probably.
2. This is a very real concern.
3. No, you're not selfish.

I think it's great that you want to do a nice thing for your mom, but I'm not sure this is a good way to do it. Have you considered what her job prospects will be like as a 60-year-old? If she has a steady job now, it may be unwise for her to leave it.

Maybe gift cards or buying their groceries every now and then might be a good way to start?
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:25 AM on August 15, 2012 [6 favorites]

What is her retirement plan? At her age I'd be hestitant to encourage her to leave the workforce voluntarily for any amount of time, as (sadly) my own parents' experience is that it is hard to get hired back in to anything stable when you're close to retirement age.

Maybe you can contribute some money to an account that will mature in a couple of years so that when she DOES want to retire, there's some buffer there?

I don't think you're selfish. I'm in (or will soon be in) a similar situation. I think help or a gift is good. I think buying dinners when you're out with her, paying for a family vacation, getting her something she needs but might not buy herself, are all good things. I think "pity money" might not go over well.
posted by olinerd at 9:25 AM on August 15, 2012 [10 favorites]

If she's bad with money then, yes, there's a very good chance she'll spend it in a way you don't approve of. However, there's a bigger issue: a 59-year-old with a yearlong gap in their resume and no reasonable explanation is going to have a really tough time getting back into the workforce, especially if whatever she's doing leaves her living paycheck-to-paycheck. Hell, a 59-year-old will have a tough time period so if she stops working before she's ready to retire, she'll be screwing herself.
posted by griphus at 9:25 AM on August 15, 2012 [8 favorites]

I do not know enough about your specific situation to make definitive recommendations, so I will give general advice. If your mom is bad with budgeting, give her a monthly allowance for a year. But, I think you and her would be better served by doing things for her. Pay for a week's vacation somewhere. buy the new TV, pay for her to come stay with the grandkids, etc. Better yet, tell her you are putting away some money for her retirement in 3, 4, 5 years. It is easier to stay working at 59 and stop a year early than it is to stop for a year at 59 and then go back to work.

People share the wealth all the time. I do things for my mom regularly. I think what you are trying to achieve is very noble and a great idea.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:27 AM on August 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

For number 3), I know I feel incredibly guilty when I debate whether I should get the latest $1500 handbag (which I can well afford), while my lovely and hardworking mum debates whether she should go to the cinema or save the $10. My mum sacrificed a lot for me, so it's only right and fair that I help her out in return. I gave a huge lump sum of cash, and occasional smaller gifts from time to time.
posted by moiraine at 9:27 AM on August 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm considering giving my mother a lump sum of money so she can stop working for a while (say a year or so).

If your mother does this, odds are very good that she will never work again. What you're really asking is whether you should fund your mother's early retirement. But if she doesn't have enough to retire on, this would translate into funding her retirement.

Unless you're wealthy enough to do that, in which case the "Should I" question becomes a lot less relevant, encouraging your mother to stop working, for any reason, is a very bad idea.
posted by valkyryn at 9:28 AM on August 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

It seems like it would be better to invest in something that would keep her secure no matter what happens with her money or her marriage, like paying off her mortgage (or, if she rents, making a real estate investment she can live in).

Yes, I agree with this. If you give someone like this a lump sum of money, they'll start looking around to see whose life they can better, or the next time a friend is in crisis...it'll be gone. I know because I'm like this with money. Figure out another way to keep her comfortable, or if you want to give the money, give it to her as a monthly stipend of some sort so at least she won't blow through it all at once.
posted by the young rope-rider at 9:28 AM on August 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

Another idea: what if you gave her a year of school/training in something she would enjoy doing more?
posted by batmonkey at 9:33 AM on August 15, 2012

If they have a mortgage maybe you could contribute toward that or pay it off. If they don't could you buy a small investment property that they could live in rent free or at a cheaper rent. That way you are helping pay for a particular thing instead of handing over cold hard cash, now what she does with the money she saves is up to her and you wouldn't feel like she was "wasting" your money. Maybe you could pick up her heating bill in winter so she can keep the house nice and warm older people will skimp on heating and cooling to save money and that alone could add to her standard of living.

Another option is funding her retirement and putting some money into her retirement fund, assuming she has one, if she doesn't you can always set one up for her. I would worry if she stops work at 59 the chances of her getting a new job a year later are very slim but you could help make the time when she choose to retire easier for her.

Does she have student loans from when she went back to school maybe you could pay those off? Or would a nicer secondhand car help make her commute to work easier?

Besides that do little bits to help, take her out to a nice dinner from time to time, pay for her to come and visit if she lives interstate or both of you go on holiday together somewhere nice. I am willing to bet she'd much rather have a huge collection of fun memories of time with you and your family than a year off of work.
posted by wwax at 9:42 AM on August 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

so she can stop working for a while (say a year or so). Not enough so she could retire forever

I love your generosity, but honestly this sounds like a terrible idea at 59. "Oh, I took a year off because my child gave me some money" isn't going to look good on the resume. Employers are very quick to scrutinize older employees' choices, particularly those of women.

I am in agreement with everyone who says "Make a good investment with the money, one with an eye toward your mum's future financial security."

batmonkey's idea of investing in career training might also be interesting if there's a different career path that she's attracted to, and in which there's an acceptance of older hires. Your mum is probably going to have to work for another 10 years or so unless you or siblings are going to be in a position to fund her retirement.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:42 AM on August 15, 2012

Just going to nth don't fund a sabbatical for your Mom, at least not now.

I believe that in the US a person can begin collecting social security at age 62 (you don't say where you are, so I'll talk about what I know). But I agree, working is good, it gives us self-esteem and allows us to feel good about ourselves. My plan now is to work as long as I can. I like it.

If you have a year's worth of salary to give to your mom, may I suggest a large downpayment on a house, paying off her house, or purchasing a condo that she can live in rent free?

Also, anyone can get better with money. While I find Dave Ramsey's attitude smug and insufferable, and his politics yukky, he's right on about how to get and stay out of debt. Perhaps paying for Financial Peace University, would be a nice gift too.

What a lovely predicament to be in!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:45 AM on August 15, 2012

This isn't totally related, but a few years ago my brother crashed on my couch for a few months between interstate moves. I didn't charge him any rent or anything, but he insisted on paying for household stuff here and there. After he moved away, my landlord contacted me and told me he's paid $100 towards my monthly rent for the duration of that year's lease. It was such a great gesture that eased an ongoing financial burden. And it was done in such a way that he wasn't handing me an awkward wad of cash, which I would have refused, though I was really really poor at the time.

Could you do something like this for your mom? Make an arrangement that doesn't put her in an awkward position of accepting a giant sum, but nevertheless, over time gives her something you know she could use?
posted by sundaydriver at 9:53 AM on August 15, 2012 [7 favorites]

I would not give a yearly sum but would fund her retirement in some way for the next 7-10 years (given your mom's financial situation, it might be best for her if she can healthfully do so to work until 67 or 69-70.). I like to think long term about financial support for elders bc in my experience the long term arrives much sooner than we expect. If your mom is in the US it is also to her benefi to continue working to delay taking social security early and to continue paying into the trust. I think it is totally okay to support your family if you can do so while still securing your own future (I also think it is fine to not support if you can not/ do not feel it is right for you) and in fact I personally feel a responsibilty to support and make certain decisions with that goal in mind. (Again, it is also okay not to do this.) I also think you have a responsibilty to offer help/support in a way that helps instead of hurts long term which is why I like the ideas above about securing your mom's housing and why my own suggestion is about more fully securing her retirement. Another thing to keep in mind is whether you will finance in home care or a care home for your mom 15-20 years down the road. I would definitely suggest socking away money for that somewhere it can grow to reduce the financial burden at that time. I also like the idea about funding fun experiences for your mom or things to make her life easier like nicer appliances and trips, esp if she has a particular destination in mind like a special country or landmark.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:56 AM on August 15, 2012

going from welfare and food stamps to educating herself and acquiring real skills so she could work and make ends meet as a single parent.
That's commendable, not a sacrifice!

I think a lump sum will vanish very quickly, and she'll probably give a lot of it away with not much to show for it for herself. If you want to treat her, take her or send her and a trusted pal or her husband on vacation. Otherwise, I'd set up a trust with an annuity or some sort of non-transferable payment (so she can't sign it away to someone else, like the new hubby.)
Different cultures have different ideas about supporting parents. If you're good at earning and saving, that's a testament to your own discipline and your upbringing. Your mom is around my age, and I sure don't want to stop working--what would she do all day? Who would she talk to?
posted by Ideefixe at 10:00 AM on August 15, 2012

what about paying for her to take a much nicer vacation than she would ordinarily be able to afford, next time her work allows it? Like a trip to a fancy resort or a cruise or something? Or spa trips etc?

Also if she has debts, particularly something like credit card debt, that might be a good way to ease her mind while putting the money to good use. Apart from that I'd agree with others that setting aside that money for retirement would be the best idea.
posted by randomnity at 10:03 AM on August 15, 2012

I'm posting just because...I've done some of the what you areplanning to do and now I have a slightly different perspective. Feel free to memail, I'm a sock puppet and am not using my username so thatI don't hurt family. I have similar thoughts as you do, OP (my mother sacrificed a lot, has/had a hard life working min wage jobs, etc.). I'm sharing this story in case it helps you make a decision - I don't know everything about your life, OP, so if these details help and are applicable...

I gave mother (a large sum, probably close to most of what I had) at a similar time point; I gave money to be used towards a mortgage. My hope was to buy security for both my mother and a sibling. But after that she has made decisions that are/were sometimes not logical (suddenly move out, move from place to place). Some of the money is/was spent sometimes due to emotions and other complications that I can't really go into here (trying to keep a mentally ill sibling afloat). Now my mother has decided to retire, although she is 10 years olderthan your mother. She does not have much money (certainly not enough for life long retirement) at this point. The money was essentially lost...

My mother has never asked for money, but due to other decisions (bad with money, retired early,etc.)- she will absolutely need my support at some point. So next year I plan to pay for a trip for everyone.

Any other money I have- I plan to sock away for my financial future...and my mother ,too, it if and when the time comes (though I am not going to verbalize this).

But looking back, it was only a temporary bandaid. If I could go back in time, I would have given half the money that I did - some to help out, but I would have invested the other half for my own security and my mother in the future. The big question that I have now is: Why was my mother bad with money? What was it so often guided by emotion and impulse? Throwing more money at it then did not solve this underlying problem. I don't thinka lot of the fuzzy self-help financial advice really would have helpd my mother that late in life.

So if I could talk to my younger self: Do make your mother's life easier right now if you can, but don't give everything...save some of it for the future and invest it with the plans of using the money to help your mother in the future.
posted by Dances with sock puppets at 10:03 AM on August 15, 2012 [11 favorites]

Oh, and to add--if you worry about her as a much older woman, you could pay for long-term care insurance. Worth looking into.
posted by Ideefixe at 10:08 AM on August 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

1) If your mom has been bad with money all her life she is NOT going to change at 59

2) As mentioned above, a gap of any significant length in a woman her ages resume is going to be fatal. A year off now will translate into early retirement, even if that's not what she or anybody else wants

3) You're not selfish. They made choices in their life and so have you. It's the nature of our system that you reap the higher reward, it does NOT make you a bad person. Proof of that is that you're here trying to find out ways to help her!

So, some suggestions. Because of the above I would avoid giving her any kind of lump sum or monthly payment that translates into money she can blow. This includes helping out with the bills as any money she doesn't spend on hydro will be frittered away on something and she will be no better off. I'm assuming your end goal is not to provide her with frittering money, but to give her some joy and/or security.

I REALLY like the idea of contributing to a retirement fund for her. A good accountant or financial advisor will find out the best way to set it up as a tax free account. This provides her with some money and security in her retirement years without giving her the opportunity to blow it.

Another idea might be to quietly (without her knowledge) contribute to her mortgage if she owns. This would help pay down the house much faster as she would still be making her minimum payments but you would be maxing out the extra that she's allowed. If she doesn't know it's happening then at the end of however many years she has a great surprise and has true equity that cannot be frittered.

Finally, if neither of those ideas appeal to you, you could always just send them on a nice two week holiday every year. If they are living paycheque to paycheque they probably haven't done a lot of travelling and a true holiday is priceless.
posted by Beacon Inbound at 10:28 AM on August 15, 2012

I agree with the "trust fund" concept. Giving her a lump sum would probably, in the long run, have a negative outcome.
posted by HuronBob at 10:47 AM on August 15, 2012

It's a very kind thought, but:
*You say your mom is bad with money and very generous with what she does have: if you give her a lump sum, she sounds extremely likely to give it away or somehow lose it, and your kind gesture will go for naught.
*You say you want to give her enough for a year or so, to give her a break: at age 59/60, after that year off work, it would be extremely hard for her to find another job, especially one with those so-important-at-her-age benefits like health insurance --- and clerical/office workers are easy to replace, her current employer will not hold her job.
*Getting out and doing something keeps people going: what would she so instead? Sit at home and watch daytime talkshows? We all bitch about our jobs, but they do keep us involved in something other than ourselves!

Perhaps, instead of one lump sum, you could merely assist with their mortgage/rent?
posted by easily confused at 11:34 AM on August 15, 2012

That's really considerate of you. If you're trying to give your mother a break or retreat to thank her for her years of hard work, send her on a trip, everything prepaid.

She's bad with money. I bet she knows this. So you giving her a lump sum...you know there's a good possibility that it will be squandered, and she may feel guilty with spending it. As Beacon said--if she's been bad with money all her life she's not going to change.

I would go with future financial security or some nice vacation for her.
posted by andariel at 11:37 AM on August 15, 2012

Giving money to someone who is bad with money is like giving a keg of beer to an alcoholic in hopes that they drink it moderately. The only effective way to financially help others who have bad financial habits is to make the money decisions on their behalf. Suggestions to offer to pay for things here are spot on. It helps the person but doesn't siphon off money into the bad decision machinery of the receiver. It sucks to think of it that way but I think it is necessary to do some real help for people in this situation.
posted by dgran at 12:06 PM on August 15, 2012

Aside from possible bad decision-making that others are pointing out, consider that a large sum of money may make your mother very anxious (about whether she deserves it, about mismanaging it, about losing it, about what happens when it's gone, etc), and could actually increase her stress level.
posted by sundaydriver at 12:36 PM on August 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

I also think this is a well-meaning, but bad, idea for all the reasons other people gave. Also, though, is the issue of pride. It might be very hard for her to accept direct financial assistance from her child, and might be just as hard for her husband to accept this.

One work-around for this is to help in the small ways that may cost you a little money but are more like a gift than a cash payment. A nice vacation because "I had to do something with these stupid airline miles", something she wants but can't afford because "It was on sale at a rock-bottom price", fancier groceries because "I had this coupon that was buy X get Y free, and thought you'd like to try Y", some gadget because "they had a raffle at work and I won this". You don't actually have to be the world's luckiest person, overloaded with miles and coupons, recipient of fantastic deals and people throwing stuff at you, to say this. It's just a little white lie, and probably not unlike the times she assured you (when you were a child) that she really didn't like that nicer piece of chicken or that she loved that old coat while you wore a relatively newer one.
posted by Houstonian at 1:03 PM on August 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think I am like your mother with money - I'm probably worse.
A lump sum, a sabbatical from work - these things would be absolutely terrible for me, I would sabotage myself.
If you are really burning to do something with a Big Lump Sum, then the best thing you can do is invest it for your mother, so that it will build towards her actual retirement.

If she lives week-to-week, or month-to-month, (like I do!), there are things you can do without handing over cash that will lift some weight, like:
- prepay her utilities
- take her vehicle for servicing regularly, return it with a full tank of gas.
- when you visit, take an armload of whatever grocery item is your mother's own personal "treat" and stock her up.
- if it applies, show up with a load of firewood, a side of beef for the freezer, whatever. This is the time for the little white lies, put a Cheerful Puppy expression on and sling them like this: "I got a great deal! I am The Man Who Gets Great Deals! I require pats on the head for my Great Deal Skills!" (Rejecting your gifts becomes kicking Cheerful Puppy in the ribs)

Just taking care of some of the consumables can make a big difference in a week-to-week liver's quality of life.

Whatever you do do, anonymous, talk it over with your partner (if you have one) first! If you make an agreement that $x/month is Mom money, then stick to that scrupulously.
posted by Catch at 4:51 PM on August 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think I forgot to say - if you want to be really helpful, look at what she already needs and uses, and find a way to pay for that first, rather than trying to introduce new "extras" into her life, like holidays, fancy groceries she wouldn't normally buy, gifty gadgets or MacGuffins.
posted by Catch at 4:58 PM on August 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

Is it common for people to 'share the wealth' within their family if they can afford it? Am I a selfish bastard by having so much more savings and monthly income than my parents while I watch them struggle?

I would say that it's less common for people to do it in this way, because most people simply don't have the amount of money that makes this a reasonable idea. For most people when their parents are 59 they are late 30s/early 40s and have kids. That means they have several essentially "bottomless" money holes: saving for old age care for their parents, saving for their own retirement, saving for child's college (the rate at which tuition increases every year is astounding, just fyi)... Although this can look like selfishly hoarding all the money, it's usually more about paying forward the effort your parents put into you... Your mom worked hard to get you a good childhood and a good education, so you work hard so that you can support your mom when she really can't support herself, so that you're not a burden to your kids in the future, and so that you can give your kids an even bigger stepping stone in life than you had. (Not to say that people don't give their parents large gifts, but usually more on an as needed basis and not hey, take a year off.)

You should strongly reconsider if you've really, truly saved enough, especially for things like your mom's retirement and eventually things like a nursing home (she has zero savings and is approaching retirement, big red flag!).

Then again, maybe you are actually a multi-billionaire or something and have completely run out of things to save for, so feel free to disregard in that case.
posted by anaelith at 6:48 AM on August 16, 2012

Agree with people-retirement fund would be the perfect solution.
posted by manicure12 at 9:35 AM on August 16, 2012