How can you mitigate a severe reaction to cigarette smoking in social situations when surrounded by smokers?

June 16, 2012 12:13 AM

Asking for my Mom: how does a non-smoker who has a severe allergic reaction to cigarette smoke mitigate the effects at a social event when they are outnumbered 6:2?

My Mom has been invited to a family function that she really wants to attend. Unfortunately, she has asthma & a severe allergic reaction to cigarette smoke (as in if she is exposed for a normal amount of time associated with a social event, she often suffers for days afterwards), and our immediate family consists mainly of smokers. The ratio of this event is 6 smokers to 2 non-smokers, one who does not have the same physical reaction as my Mom & can more easily go with the flow, so it's really more like 7:1. The hosts of the event smoke and the gathering is in a small apartment, so, unlike other situations, there can't be a designated smoking space and a non-smoking area other than inside vs. outside. My Mom is trying to think of ways to lessen the effects of the smoke, and we thought MeFites might have some good ideas. Complicating matters is some familial tension & I suspect that my family members think she is either exaggerating the effects and/or conflating it with some moral judgment. Trust me, she is not. This really is just a health issue. Some additional context, the only thing that prevented these family members from smoking around my non-smoking grandfather who had emphysema was when he needed an oxygen tank that made for a highly combustible situation. She will have her inhaler with her and has an air purifier/ionizer at home. Personally, other than speaking to the hostess (who may or may not be receptive), I am stumped. So, any suggestions for mitigating the effects of cigarette smoke exposure when attending a social event, hopefully without creating tension or making a big deal out of it? Much thanks in advance!

posted by katemcd to health & fitness (29 answers total)

I'm not sure what she could really do short of an N95 particulate respirator mask. These are rated for "light" cigarette smoke exposure. No doubt many of the smokers would consider it a provocation and/or insult, but if they were sensitive to your mother's needs in the first place they'd find a way to smoke outside or something.
posted by dhartung at 12:50 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Honestly, this is one of those situations it's best to just state your boundaries and let others decide how to respond.

A group email, perhaps? "Hi everyone, I know we're all looking forward to X event. I'd love to see you all, but I cannot be in a room where people are smoking. I have a life-threatening medical condition which is triggered by cigarette smoke. My doctor says I shouldn't be around it, ever. Please let me know whether it's possible to make this a smoke-free event. If not, I hope we can catch up at a later date."

If the answer is no or a deluge of drama, she should graciously decline to attend. Perhaps send along some baking or something as a gesture of goodwill. Maybe the answer will be different for the next event. If she goes anyway, suffers in silence but somehow manages not to leave in an ambulance, it will only bolster the relatives' belief that her allergy isn't something they need to accommodate.
posted by embrangled at 1:06 AM on June 16, 2012 [9 favorites]

It seems like there's really very little she can do. It would be perfectly acceptable for her to decline the invitation, similar to how someone with an extreme nut allergy would say "no thanks" to a party of peanut butter devotees. The only thing I can think of, other than the respirator mask idea linked above, which might either finally ram home the harm her family is doing to your mother, or piss everyone off, is for her to make camp outside. Is there a balcony or something where she could immediately go, and not leave? Then the other non-smoker, or whoever she is friendliest to, can sort of wrangle the people she wants to socialize with and bring them to her. I think it's completely okay if, when people ask her why she's holding court outside, to frankly inform them that to spend more than a few minutes in a smoke-filled apartment would give her an asthma attack. (Or whatever the specifics of her medical issue might be.) And then quickly move on to another topic. She could also try asking the hostess if she could show up a little early and maybe set up her air purifier somewhere, like maybe the bathroom? Or if the apartment has a bunch of separate rooms, maybe she could set it up in a comfortable corner and sort of, you know, hover? I don't know how effective that might be.

On preview, I agree completely with embrangled. Your mom needs to make clear to the relevant people that she wants to spend time with them but she can't do it while they're smoking, and let them go from there. If her family chooses cigarettes over her, well, at least they all will know where they stand.
posted by Mizu at 1:10 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

If she ends up not going to this, perhaps she could invite the same people to a second function but hold it outside? Barbecue in a park or similar? It would be easier to control the environment if organising it herself...
posted by KateViolet at 1:34 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

this is one of those situations it's best to just state your boundaries and let others decide how to respond

Completely in agreement. Replace cigarettes with "an open container of toxic waste". What would your mother's decision be then, as for her it is the same thing.
posted by nickrussell at 1:51 AM on June 16, 2012

Not to threadsit, but this is a well established issue and won't be news to anyone. She really doesn't want to decline because this is a gathering of her siblings & spouses hosted by her young niece, and this is the first social event since their last parent passed away. The next gathering might be Thanksgiving, but she & I have spent plenty of Thanksgivings alone. I already suggested she talk to her niece/my cousin, explain her concerns, and see if she can be accommodated, but the track record isn't the greatest. Frankly, the track record sucks. As much as I like the idea of her camping outside, it's a bit too aggressive for the current situation. Also, I should have probably mentioned that she's blind & currently without a guide dog, so she can't move about as easily in an unfamiliar place without a sighted guide, which if I was around (I'm on the opposite coast), would normally be me. Certainly, others can function as guides, but they aren't always the most attentive, and the family isn't the most comfortable with her blindness even though she's always been low vision since birth and totally blind for 22 years. I tend to think this is a "go & suffer" or "decline & miss out" situation, which stinks. We've hosted things in the past & she could certainly do so again, but it is this event she cares about, and she would be the only sibling invited that would not be attending, which could also be misinterpreted. If the family dynamic were more healthy, this would be a lot more straightforward, but sadly it isn't. Basically, I'm looking for things she could do that do not involve anyone else's behavior or psychology but would alleviate some symptoms. It is quite possible there may not be anything, but any & all suggestions are very much appreciated!
posted by katemcd at 1:53 AM on June 16, 2012

My mother's solution has always been to cover her face with a mask or a shawl. Of course, this is easier to manage in a culture where some women veil themselves.
posted by bardophile at 2:13 AM on June 16, 2012

I already suggested she talk to her niece/my cousin, explain her concerns, and see if she can be accommodated, the track record isn't the greatest. Frankly, the track record sucks.

Not to argue the point, but it's not really possible to be in a smoke-filled room and not be affected by the smoke. Even if she could filter out the particulate matter, she'd still be breathing carbon monoxide. The relatives' crappy track record makes it even more important for your mother to be firm about the consequences of their smoking. Right now, they're getting mixed messages - she complains about it, but she comes anyway, she doesn't die, and they don't see her suffering afterwards. They might take her more seriously if she started enforcing a new, clear rule: If they smoke inside, she can't come. If she comes and they smoke, she'll have to leave. No drama, no arguments, just action => consequence. She's not trying to control them or prevent them from smoking; she's just saying that if they want to smoke, sorry, but she can't be there. Doctor's orders. That's reasonable. Anyone who 'misinterprets' her absence is being unreasonable. Someone with a life-threatening respiratory condition (and vision impairment) should not have to suffer further in order to accommodate unreasonable people.
posted by embrangled at 3:58 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ugh. What a horrible situation. I'm sorry your mother's family is so inconsiderate and uncaring about her and her health--that must be very difficult for you both. I really don't think there is a work around given what you've said about it, maybe she could go and say hi to everyone and leave after 15 or 20 minutes though? That way she will get to see her family and (kind of) limit her exposure as well.
posted by Kimberly at 4:05 AM on June 16, 2012

It's a no win - she wants to go she'll have to take whatever medication available to minimise her symptoms on the day and in the aftermath. Has she asked her doctor if there is anything else she can take to give her additional temporary relief? She should also resolve to minimise time at the event as much as possible without giving offence. If that involves a taxi as opposed to a family member giving her a lift so be it.
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:24 AM on June 16, 2012

Try speaking with the hostess of the event and explain in the most non-judgemental way that your mothers' respiratory health has declined and she has trouble handling smoke. She wants to see everyone, she understands that there will be smoking, but could some arrangement be made to ease the effects. Most smokers are now more aware of the negative affects on others.
Most likely the best that can be arranged is a shortened visit on her part. Maybe no smoking during the meal or dessert. With such a large group of smokers, it is difficult to dictate behavior when you are in the minority.

My late MIL, Bonnie, developed severe pulmonary fibrosis as a result of a viral infection. Her entire family were heavy smokers. But they were able to work around Bonnie, mostly because she was so apologetic about her condition. It was so sad, because really, why should she apologize. But it was important to her that she be able to be with her family. I know they in turn appreciated her not harping on them about the dangers of smoking, the negative effects ect.

I am a militant non-smoker so the whole thing grated on my nerves. But Bonnie got what she needed. By making herself the one with the problem. Many avoided smoking near her, and made efforts to even leave the room. But, some didn't.

Perhaps an area can be set up with cross ventilation with a fan pulling outside air through a window near her and then an exhaust fan by the smoking area pulling out. Or have the event outdoors instead of inside so she can sit downwind. A lot depends on the hostess and the place they are gathering.

The problem I see is that the hostess or the guests will see this as criticism of their smoking. But maybe as family they could be understanding and work around it.

Has there been been hard feelings about this issue in the past? That may need to be addressed also.
posted by moonlily at 4:26 AM on June 16, 2012

Wow, I am so sorry I missed the follow up on your Mothers' disabilities.

Keeping well hydrated may help.

But reading between the lines, I think an abbreviated visit is her best bet.

A R95 mask might be seen as over dramatic. If they aren't moved by her other disabilities to be solicitous, then I wouldn't hold out much hope.
posted by moonlily at 4:34 AM on June 16, 2012

Could she attend by Skype or Google Hangout? Or just phone in to the event partway through and get everyone to pass the phone around?

Could she invite the relatives to a secondary event in a smoke-free space such as a restaurant? Brunch, drinks, coffee, something like that?
posted by Orinda at 4:46 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yeah, unfortunately, a "hopefully without creating tension or making a big deal out of it" approach is incompatible with getting people to take her reactions seriously.

It is a big deal. She can choose to act like it's not, but that choice means they'll keep being this unaccommodating.

I have physical reactions to cigarettes (not as severe as hers, but enough to be disabling indoors) and I need to gently set super-clear boundaries. If I were invited to something like this, there'd be no question -- I wouldn't go. I'd take a LOT of time and care to explain why respectfully, neutrally, and politely, if it were strangers inviting me.

That clarity is basically the one and only way to avoid situations where you're assumed to be exaggerating or lying or judging. I've gotten amazing amounts of anger and vitriol from some smokers, no matter how respectfully I state the facts or how invisibly I try to remove myself. Sometimes there's no winning. The family's refusal to accommodate her at all might be a combination of not believing her and deeply resenting a culture that does pass judgment against them, does pass laws against them, etc.

But it is clearly refusal, and there's probably no chance of any change unless they can be made to observe that they're simply driving her away.
posted by kalapierson at 5:33 AM on June 16, 2012

Could she attend by Skype or Google Hangout?

Seconding this suggestion - - I recently attended an outdoor family funeral ceremony where this was used to good effect.
posted by fairmettle at 5:54 AM on June 16, 2012

I really empathize with you. My mother has the same issues, and it's caused major family drama - she left the room at a wedding once because it was overpowering, and the mother of the bride hasn't spoken to her since.

I think the best solution may be one of two things, or maybe a combination of both:

1) Approach the host and ask if she can set up an air purifier in the bedroom - an enclosed area with a door that closes. Even if she can't hang out there the whole time, it would at least be a good retreat to recover.

2) Get her a pashmina and one of the breathing masks that are used to protect people from lead dust particles while doing construction work. Have her wear the breathing mask, then fold the pashmina in half, drape over the top of the head so that the trailing edge on the left is about shoulder level and the right side is longer, then pull the trailing right edge around in front of the lower half of the face.

It may seem a bit weird, but pretty, and not as obvious "hi I'm wearing a mask, thus less confrontational"
posted by corb at 7:20 AM on June 16, 2012

Some additional context, the only thing that prevented these family members from smoking around my non-smoking grandfather who had emphysema was when he needed an oxygen tank that made for a highly combustible situation.


Maybe she could get an oxygen tank for a couple days?
posted by itheearl at 7:28 AM on June 16, 2012 [7 favorites]

Is there any way that she can add some sort of outdoor activity? A trip to the park to take some nice family photos, a game of mini golf, a trip to get ice cream or some shopping?
posted by Nickel Pickle at 7:30 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

So my response to this (I have a significant but probably less severe reaction to this than your mum's) is to create a "no-smoking" socializing zone outside the house, inverting the ordinary "smoking zone" paradigm. I joke "Oh, I have to go out for a non-smoke; who wants to come with me?" and other non-smokers generally do.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:41 AM on June 16, 2012

Seconding a mask (if Michael Jackson coud do it...). Or she could take a handheld fan and waft the smoke away from her.

But really the best thing is to stay away. Individuals who believe they have a right to pollute the air when and where they please are simply morons, why does she even want to be around these people?
posted by epo at 7:59 AM on June 16, 2012

could! I fixed that!
posted by epo at 7:59 AM on June 16, 2012

Is this for a few hours, or overnight (you mentioned camping)? I would get a respirator mask. Seriously, they know she has asthma issues, she doesn't have to wear it outside of the apartment, this really isn't being dramatic. Oxygen may not be a good idea, given the reaction to a previous relative on oxygen. While fanning the smoke away may help, she is still stewing in a room full of the leftover chemicals, which is likely what triggers her. I'm so sorry your mom has to deal with this.
posted by kellyblah at 8:36 AM on June 16, 2012

I really don't think she should go. Severe asthma can kill you. This is not worth the risk.

If she wants to see them, I would suggest inviting them to a location very near to the location of the get-together, that happens to be a nonsmoking coffeeshop/restaurant, and meet them for a drink or snack. She is not going to get them to change their behavior if she goes to the party, unless they have shown they are willing to accommodate her ahead of time, it's not a good idea for her to go, even though I know she wants to. This is her health and it sounds like these people are not very nice to her - why would she sacrifice her health for them?

I also think if she goes to meet them at all, she should have someone with her who can act as the advocate/guide for her. Surely there is someone aside from you who could do this? A friend who has a strong personality?
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:04 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Can she bring a friend to help her? Then the friend could keep her near the window or door and get her out of there when she's had enough. If she has to make an appearance, probably the thing to do is make the appearance, stay for a little while, then leave. And she needs some sort of ally, either one she brings with her or another guest.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 11:20 AM on June 16, 2012

Can't read all the replies. But I say arrive late, leave early, and drink fresh fruit juices all day. And take any meds on time (inhaler, allergy meds, something for the inevitable headache)or before theyre needed.
posted by vitabellosi at 12:53 PM on June 16, 2012

Get a small O2 setup. Obviously, the rest of the family won't take her seriously without one. They should've been conditioned to not smoking around one by grandpa. She can explain that things have gotten worse as she ages--as I'm sure they have. Additionally, she may absolutely wind up needing it if things are as bad as you say, even if no one does smoke, just because the house is saturated from prior smoking.

It may be a PITA for her to carry it around, but unless she pushes home the point that this is a SERIOUS heath issue, either by having the oxygen or having an attack and being carted off in an ambulance, the smokers are apparently going be be selfish buttheads.

Secondly, what the flock is with these people that they won't even accommodate one of their own when virtually blind?!! My suggestion is that she go with a friend (pay all expenses) or someone be hired to go with her, unless you can find a way to go. Having you around to press the issues surrounding her health might be good, as it takes the pressure off of her. Likewise, if you can hire someone, maybe they could wear white and look official enough to give the smokers some pause.

Please try to make this happen for your mom. Life is short, and if she wants to do this, it would be great for her to have a chance. There may come a time when she won't be able to travel because of her health. And they are her family, even they act like turds.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:58 PM on June 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

Ug - I'm sorry to hear this. I've been in the same position - all my family members smoke, and their "solution" to my near-constant wheezing was to tell me to "drink less coffee" - even while I was hooked up to a nebulizer. If people don't want to change, they won't.

I think the only way to do this is go through the host. If the host invited your mom, s/he obviously wants your mom there, and as a good host should want everyone comfortable.

1.) Even if it's an apartment, is there anyway for the host to request people to smoke outside, if there's a patio, or entrance? Even if the host is a smoker, s/he can say the smoke from 6 people at once is too much of a strain on the apartment.

2.) If the host can't find a designated smoke area, ask people to stagger the smoking.

3.) Ask for adequate ventilation - have fans going.

I really know what she's going through, but honestly the only solution she can really count on is arriving late, going outside for about 10-15 minutes when the asthma gets really bad, and leaving early. :-/
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 3:47 PM on June 16, 2012

I know someone with a similar allergy who had severe asthma (for over a week and a half) after sitting outside with smokers. Your mother should not go - this could be life threatening. Suggest that she send apologies and host a desert (after) or coffee session before in a non-smoking venue.

The only thing my friend finds that works is to avoid places that allow smoking.
posted by zia at 5:44 PM on June 16, 2012

Everyone, thanks so much for your advice! I'll be sharing all of this with my Mom. It's an old issue and social rules that used to be observed (i.e. everyone smoke outside just for these few hours) tend to loosen or be disregarded entirely as the family gets smaller & the dynamics change. All of these comments are still helpful, even if it simply validates what we already think about the situation. Thanks again!
posted by katemcd at 9:39 PM on June 16, 2012