My sister has Michael Scott syndrome! What can I do?
August 19, 2010 6:22 PM Subscribe
What do I do about an attention-hungry relative? I am worried about how she will act at an upcoming funeral!
Everyone know how Michael Scott on the Office needs to be the center of attention in all situations? My sister is like that, (she's 28) and it really gets to me. She has always said she wants to be an actress..but she is a BAD actress. It is especially bad at weddings, where she feels the need to act as the bride's maid of honor..even though she hasn't been given that role! If there is a microphone in the room, forget it. She'll insist on giving a speech for whatever reason, unasked.
The rest of us family and friends always smile uncomfortably and let it go, but heres why this issue I have with her has reached boiling point: our uncle died yesterday. She and I are both understandably sad. Our extended family got together to grieve with his immediate family. There were tears all around, yet who was crying the loudest and most dramatically? Not the widow, not my uncle's children or his siblings..but my sister! The funeral is this weekend and I'm terrified that she will 'steal the thunder' of his more immediate family somehow, such as making a speech and overly sobbing again.
Am I over-reacting? Should I try to ignore this pet peeve of mine? Or should I attempt to speak to her before the funeral and let her know that this is odd behavior, and in my opinion, disrespectful?
Does anyone else have someone like this in their family?
Everyone know how Michael Scott on the Office needs to be the center of attention in all situations? My sister is like that, (she's 28) and it really gets to me. She has always said she wants to be an actress..but she is a BAD actress. It is especially bad at weddings, where she feels the need to act as the bride's maid of honor..even though she hasn't been given that role! If there is a microphone in the room, forget it. She'll insist on giving a speech for whatever reason, unasked.
The rest of us family and friends always smile uncomfortably and let it go, but heres why this issue I have with her has reached boiling point: our uncle died yesterday. She and I are both understandably sad. Our extended family got together to grieve with his immediate family. There were tears all around, yet who was crying the loudest and most dramatically? Not the widow, not my uncle's children or his siblings..but my sister! The funeral is this weekend and I'm terrified that she will 'steal the thunder' of his more immediate family somehow, such as making a speech and overly sobbing again.
Am I over-reacting? Should I try to ignore this pet peeve of mine? Or should I attempt to speak to her before the funeral and let her know that this is odd behavior, and in my opinion, disrespectful?
Does anyone else have someone like this in their family?
You know, I think it must be a rule that every wedding/funeral/special event has someone who fills that role.
The best thing to do may be to simply leave her alone, in this case. If the immediate grieving family wants to tell her to knock it off, it's their right but I think in the long run not giving her the attention she is seeking in an inappropriate way might be the right way to go.
I've been to funerals where people have been inappropriate. In both cases, it made for great storytelling later. So, there's that.
Meanwhile, I'm sorry for your loss and sorry you are having to deal with this. Just remember no one will be blaming you or other family for HER behavior so whatever she does don't take it personally.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:33 PM on August 19, 2010 [9 favorites]
The best thing to do may be to simply leave her alone, in this case. If the immediate grieving family wants to tell her to knock it off, it's their right but I think in the long run not giving her the attention she is seeking in an inappropriate way might be the right way to go.
I've been to funerals where people have been inappropriate. In both cases, it made for great storytelling later. So, there's that.
Meanwhile, I'm sorry for your loss and sorry you are having to deal with this. Just remember no one will be blaming you or other family for HER behavior so whatever she does don't take it personally.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:33 PM on August 19, 2010 [9 favorites]
Your family knows her and knows what she's like. I don't think you can do or say anything that's going to change her behaviour, so I kind of think you've got to hold your tongue and roll your eyes along with everyone else.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by sillymama at 6:37 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by sillymama at 6:37 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
this is her issue, not yours. You don't need to feel responsible for changing her, stopping her, or apologizing for her.
posted by HuronBob at 6:44 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by HuronBob at 6:44 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
My brother and I recently had a moment where I criticized what I saw as a pattern of behavior that was obnoxious and rude. He got very angry at me and said "This doesn't even concern you. We're both adults. I don't tell you how I think you should behave." And I thought about it for a minute and realized he was absolutely right, and I apologized. Yeah, I still think his behavior is obnoxious, but it's not something directly between us, and therefore really not any of my business. Making it my business did more harm to the relationship than any possible help pointing it out could have done to the world in general. I think your situation might be similar.
posted by judith at 7:15 PM on August 19, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by judith at 7:15 PM on August 19, 2010 [6 favorites]
What hermitosis said. Nothing's going to stop a drama bomb short of her being tranq'd up before the funeral. Speaking to her will only make her act worse.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:29 PM on August 19, 2010
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:29 PM on August 19, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I think in my own sadness over the family loss and sympathy for the immediate family I want to do something to "help", but confronting my sister probably isn't the best way. I'll try to help in a more positive way, like volunteering to watch the little kids at the funeral or something.
posted by hellameangirl at 7:34 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by hellameangirl at 7:34 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Since you're not organizing the funeral, you have limited options. My advice would be to distance yourself from your sister at the event: drive to the wake and funeral separately, pay your respects to your uncle's window and children on your own, etc. If your sister chooses to act up, let her do that herself, let the blame fall on her alone, and leave it to your uncle's family to be the ones to take her aside if there's a problem.
posted by deanc at 7:39 PM on August 19, 2010
posted by deanc at 7:39 PM on August 19, 2010
At my grandmother's funeral one of my cousins played the part of the attention-seeking relative. I decided to jump on that grenade for the sake of the rest of my family. I spent time talking to her about her son, her new job, etc. to try to distract her. I sat next to her and offered her tissues, held her hand and did whatever I could to let her know that I supported her and that she was getting my attention all the time. This worked in my situation. I don't know if it would work in yours.
posted by shesbookish at 7:59 PM on August 19, 2010
posted by shesbookish at 7:59 PM on August 19, 2010
I know someone like this. The best solution I've found so far is to have someone running interference, validating them the whole time, but keeping them away from dangerous objects, people they should not be speaking to, and booze. Keep them engaged.
This may take more than one person.
posted by Gilbert at 9:23 PM on August 19, 2010
This may take more than one person.
posted by Gilbert at 9:23 PM on August 19, 2010
Any way you could casually ask her if she's *really* that deeply affected by the loss? It might be an enlightening conversation for both of you if you can manage it in a way that completely fails to bring up how annoying you find her level of hystrionics.
Funerals are funny things. They can make people distraught for no discernable reason, other than simply being what they are. Listening to what she has to say about what she is feeling, and how she feels about other people's reactions to the event as she observes them, may shed some useful light on what's actually motivating and controlling her behavior.
Maybe ceremonies just unhinge her.
Maybe she feels that there's something important that needs to be done that isn't being done.
Maybe she really is THAT upset.
Maybe she just feels really awkward & can't think of a more productive way to channel it.
Maybe she really needs a "role" (like, feeble Aunt Martha's official caretaker & personal caterer)
Maybe she's just a little bit blind to other people's emotional needs & needs a loving clue-by-four that quiet strength is a little more in tune with the director's vision of today...
But my main thought is, this is a funeral. If a brassy personality needs to express herself loudly, her needs are real too. It's so easy to get caught up in "there she goes, doing that annoying bit again...!" It could actually just be her, expressing her grief and her goodbye in ways that are meaningful to her.
In the meantime, you're losing the moment because you're worried about what someone else is doing. You've got to let that go; she's not important right now. Talking to her about her feelings might actually help you accept her doing what she's doing and being who she's being.*
*or it just might leave you madder than crap and wanting to take a tire iron to her head in this stressful time, but I'm hoping you'll find a hole in that conversation to slip in some thoughts about how you feel, as well.
posted by Ys at 9:53 PM on August 19, 2010
Funerals are funny things. They can make people distraught for no discernable reason, other than simply being what they are. Listening to what she has to say about what she is feeling, and how she feels about other people's reactions to the event as she observes them, may shed some useful light on what's actually motivating and controlling her behavior.
Maybe ceremonies just unhinge her.
Maybe she feels that there's something important that needs to be done that isn't being done.
Maybe she really is THAT upset.
Maybe she just feels really awkward & can't think of a more productive way to channel it.
Maybe she really needs a "role" (like, feeble Aunt Martha's official caretaker & personal caterer)
Maybe she's just a little bit blind to other people's emotional needs & needs a loving clue-by-four that quiet strength is a little more in tune with the director's vision of today...
But my main thought is, this is a funeral. If a brassy personality needs to express herself loudly, her needs are real too. It's so easy to get caught up in "there she goes, doing that annoying bit again...!" It could actually just be her, expressing her grief and her goodbye in ways that are meaningful to her.
In the meantime, you're losing the moment because you're worried about what someone else is doing. You've got to let that go; she's not important right now. Talking to her about her feelings might actually help you accept her doing what she's doing and being who she's being.*
*or it just might leave you madder than crap and wanting to take a tire iron to her head in this stressful time, but I'm hoping you'll find a hole in that conversation to slip in some thoughts about how you feel, as well.
posted by Ys at 9:53 PM on August 19, 2010
Agreeing with shesbookish and Gilbert. Drama queens are easier than takeover artists and bitter babes. Siblings can get into sharper disagreement than they intend in the vulnerability of grief and, while in that emotional state, create a long-term estrangement because one of them tries to manage or "correct" another's behavior at a funeral.
Do yourself and your family a favor and make arrangements for someone to be especially kind to your sister and fluff her nicely the whole time. All DQs want is attention and that's a perfect assignment for a nice young cousin or friend. It is a lot better than interacting with her too much and risking an unnecessary rift.
(This is another lesson brought to you by The top one hundred mistakes of one old lady.)
posted by Anitanola at 11:05 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do yourself and your family a favor and make arrangements for someone to be especially kind to your sister and fluff her nicely the whole time. All DQs want is attention and that's a perfect assignment for a nice young cousin or friend. It is a lot better than interacting with her too much and risking an unnecessary rift.
(This is another lesson brought to you by The top one hundred mistakes of one old lady.)
posted by Anitanola at 11:05 PM on August 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Read this and comfort yourself with the thought that at least your sister won't be THAT bad.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:26 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:26 AM on August 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: These were all great responses! I bit my tongue during the funeral while my sister wailed away..but I think she ended up being overshadowed by my senile grandpa who went on a tirade about how much everything cost when well-meaning mourners expressed their condolences to him :/
posted by hellameangirl at 9:35 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by hellameangirl at 9:35 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
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I'd say just avoid her as much as you can -- your own grief is the perfect excuse.
posted by hermitosis at 6:28 PM on August 19, 2010 [3 favorites]