As a male, I've never orgasmed from sex, teach me how

June 15, 2012 9:17 PM

As a male, I've never orgasmed from sex, teach me how

I have had lots of sex partners, and I can orgasm from a skilled handjob, but I have never orgasmed from vaginal (nor anal) penetration. I masturbate at least 10 times a week, and I just get almost no pleasure and/or stimulation from vaginal penetration. (I also look at a lot of porn).

I love being sexually intimate with girls, but it usually ends up with me masturbating while they pleasure me other ways at the same time.

I've had willing partners who let me do what I want to try to orgasm but I never could.

What gives? How can I learn to orgasm from sexual penetration?

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 answers total)

Dan Savage has your answer.
posted by litlnemo at 9:22 PM on June 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

Yeah, just as I was switching over my sock account to post this bit of advice, litlnemo beat me to it.

This could definitely be an issue of death grip. It's hard to judge how tight you're squeezing if you've already done it one way. I've just a fleshlight to ween me off of that, although there are other methods as well that don't cost as much.

Basically, you've got to let your penis regain some sensitivity. I think it has less to do with the porn and more to do with the technique.
posted by A Special Kind of Weird at 9:26 PM on June 15, 2012

Stop masturbating at least 10 times per week! Stop!
posted by Justinian at 9:40 PM on June 15, 2012 [24 favorites]

Though I am female, I had a similar problem many years ago. I met a guy I really wanted to orgasm with, so I stopped masturbating. It took eight long months, but eventually worked.
posted by Michele in California at 9:40 PM on June 15, 2012

I've known more than one guy like this (although not all as serious) and they all masturbated a lot and watched a lot of porn (by a lot I mean multiple times a day) and they were all somewhat below average, size-wise. I feel that there's a correlation there, and Dan Savage agrees with me. So my suggestion is to avoid porn and possibly also avoid masturbating for a while and see if that helps. The size thing is obviously not changeable but might be another factor.
posted by the young rope-rider at 9:43 PM on June 15, 2012 [6 favorites]

Oh, and additionally, ADHD seems to play a role (whether that is what drives the masturbation which leads to the high stimulus threshhold or whether it has a more direct role, I'm not sure). I've heard that ADHD can contribute to similar sexual issues for women as well.

Good luck!
posted by the young rope-rider at 9:55 PM on June 15, 2012

(FWIW, I have known at least one quite nicely hung guy with this problem; he certainly did masturbate a lot and I would not be surprised to discover he had undiagnosed ADHD.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:57 PM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Vaginal or Anal sex is just another kind of sex. there is not a heirachry of sex. if hand jobs or masturabtion with a partner works for you, and you get pleasure from it, you have orgasmed from sex. It's all cool.
posted by PinkMoose at 10:25 PM on June 15, 2012 [11 favorites]

I masturbate at least 10 times a week, and I just get almost no pleasure and/or stimulation from vaginal penetration. (I also look at a lot of porn).

This is why you can't have an orgasm from vaginal sex.
posted by empath at 11:06 PM on June 15, 2012 [8 favorites]

Just in case this can't be easily inferred from my previous remarks, I think my problem was solved by a combination of two things: 1) No longer masturbating allowed me to become more responsive to other things (a point several people have made here) and 2) emotional attachment.

You said you have been with a lot of partners. A couple of men I was acquainted with who had rich sexual histories had never really been in love before. My read on their player lifestyles was they were very intelligent and thus easily bored. Other people here have mentioned ADHD as a possible factor. That happens to be common among very intelligent people. Typically, people marry someone within 10 IQ points of themselves.

So if you haven't ever been deeply emotionally attached to a woman and happen to be bright, you might try looking for some way to hook up with similarly bright women and set a goal of doing the pair bonding thing. That might help. Falling in love is part happenstance, part choice. You can do some things to increase the odds of meeting the right type of person and make a choice to make time for a serious, committed relationship...etc.
posted by Michele in California at 11:21 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Your mind and body have become used to the particular sensation of masturbation and associated it with orgasm - so much so that without that specific sensation your mind will not "let" you orgasm.

You need to change up your masturbation techniques firstly. Try gently touching the head of your penis rather than rubbing; moving the skin slightly without actually sliding over the skin; and lessening the frequency of masturbation overall. Then progress to getting off with a blowjob.

Gradually you'll get yourself out of the habit of only orgasming from a particular sensation.
posted by dave99 at 1:48 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Please see a doctor. Don't listen to Dan Savage. He has no evidence and doctors don't treat your problem the way he suggests.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:48 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

@Ironmouth: I'm not going to say the OP shouldn't see a doctor. However...

It's pretty clear all the "plumbing" works. He has no problem ejaculating; after all, he does it at least 10 times a week. He's not complaining about a lack of erection or stamina[1]. He just can't ejaculate from penetrative sex because it's not stimulating enough. Unless he masturbates in some very unusual way that indicates a physiological problem (for example, can only ejaculate while pushing his dick down and to the right), it's pretty clear what's going on here.

If my leg falls asleep because I like to sit cross-legged then my doctor is going to tell to stop doing that. Yes, OP should listen to his doctor over some internet nobodies, but dollars to doughnuts the doctor will say the same thing.

[1] BTW, OP: if you're experiencing any of these issues then head to the doctor post-haste. Physical ED is a function of blood flow/pressure, and ED symptoms can be an early sign of heart problems.
posted by sbutler at 1:14 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ironmouth: "Please see a doctor. Don't listen to Dan Savage. He has no evidence and doctors don't treat your problem the way he suggests."

Unless that doctor is a doctor of psychology or psychiatry, I doubt they are prepared to treat this problem in any useful way. It's clearly not a medical issue.

Upon reflection, a doctor of sexology might also be helpful.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:43 AM on June 18, 2012