Being a bridesmaid is the WORST THING EVER EVER EVER
May 16, 2012 6:49 AM Subscribe
I'm in the wedding party of a woman I detest. In fact, 3 of the 4 women in the bridal party now officially hate the bride. Help us navigate this crazy situation.
I realize on the surface this sounds like run of the mill wedding drama. Perhaps it is, but at this point it's spilling into a lot of areas of a lot of people's lives and I'm hoping I can get some outside perspectives.
A little background: I've known the bride for over a decade. What I've discovered over this time is she is a perfectly capable "dish over drinks" kind of friend. She's a woman that's good for getting a fancy cocktail with and complaining about whatever man problem you have. A+ on that front.
Of course, that worked a lot better when we were young women in the throes of wildly overwrought romantic dramas. Once we aged a bit and moved out of this model, things completely exploded. We worked together and it went terribly. We went on trips together and it was miserable. The consensus among many mutual friends is she is not someone to embark on any sort of project with because she will ultimately leave you holding the "every crappy part of the project" bag and simultaneously be angry that you aren't thanking her for giving it to you. She isn't meaningfully malicious as far as I can tell - she is just extremely self-involved and lacking in much empathy for other people. Setting boundaries goes badly - she has a way of turning it around on you every time to the point where it feels fruitless to try to have an honest interaction. Long story short, I would prefer to not have a friendship with her. Sad reality though - we still work together and letting the contact whither away naturally has been difficult when she sits next to me. yay.
Cut to this wedding. At the time she asked me to be involved, we worked together. Still do in fact. I am in another wedding (for a very close friend who I am SO THRILLED is getting married and so disgustingly overjoyed to shop for wedding shoes with that it's almost embarrassing) and it looked like I might be able to cite a date conflict. Unfortunately she made it clear she would tailor her dates to ensure I was included. yay.
Working with her has been a continuous challenge for many reasons, and I ultimately decided it was in my best interest to agree to participate because if this is how she treated me at work when she considered me close enough to schedule her wedding around me, I didn't want to see the outcome where I said no when she could plain as day see my day to day life and question my saying no when she was "so flexible." I've debated whether or not this was a good or bad choice with my therapist and friends many times and ultimately people seem to think this was a largely practical decision on my part. I of course am now miserable and wish I had said no in the first place, but hindsight is 20/20 and I have no way of knowing if trading work misery for personal misery was the better choice, so it's sort of a moot point beyond a lesson for the future.
Add to this that two of my close girlfriends (I'll call them 1 and 2) were also asked to be in the bridal party and said yes - 1 because she felt pressured by 2, and 2 because she genuinely still liked her since their friendship was still limited to fancy cocktails and she hadn't embarked on anything complex with her in a few years, forgetting previous traumas.
Cut to now - 2 hates the bride after a couple of as usual non-malicious but somewhat hard-hearted decisions to include 2's ex fiance in the wedding for services to save money, despite 2 still being completely devastated by their breakup and bride not being close with her ex fiance. She told her she chose to use ex fiance to use a deal they were offering. 2 wants to drop out and 1 is mad and hurt because she feels 2 pressured her in the first place when she was crying on her couch about how much the bride had hurt her over the past few months and is now resentful that 2 wants to drop out given that she wasn't supported at that moment. As for me, I have the pleasure of working with her and being continually appalled by her behavior at work, all while swallowing my frustration and fielding 8 bazillion links to different flower arrangements, and hearing truly twisted representations of her side of these issues with 2. My feeling is it wasn't necessarily wrong on paper, but why hurt someone you would include in your wedding if it's simply a practical decision? It just seems unkind.
I could go on and on, but it boils down to this - it is creating wild amounts of cognitive dissonance to be involved in this wedding for all of us, and it's spilling over into my friendships with 1 and 2 and their friendships with each other, all while bride seems oblivious to it. She blames people's non-responsiveness and muted enthusiasm to activities on everyone being busy. In truth, none of us had much social contact with her in the previous years before her wedding and are baffled we were even asked to be involved in something so intimate given that our friendships had all essentially devolved into non-existence up until this point.
Overall, I wish everyone had made independent decisions about their involvement. I did - I decided to do it because of work. I think they tried some 3 musketeers though and now it's backfiring on all of us.
The whole thing is just sort of crazy and tragic. I hate watching my friends hurt about it and feel conflicted. I hate the idea of dropping out and devastating this woman, but I also hate lying to her on a daily basis. I hate pretending to care, and even more I hate the ways I fail at it and don't bring my best self to this day for her despite the fact that I don't believe she deserves my enthusiasm. It's just not who I am and it feels terrible.
At this point, my plan is to hunker through. She revealed she plans to move to a new city on a very fast schedule, so she won't work with me soon which removes that problem, and my moral compass seems to point slightly more toward sucking it up and being deceitful for a few more months rather than being genuine and bursting her weird, fake friendship perception bubble. It's uncomfortable but I feel like I committed at the front end and should see it through. 2 is a live wire and may drop out and I can live with that. 1 feels dropping out under any circumstances is mean and hates 2 for even considering it, so I have no idea how badly this will impact any of our friendships long term.
So I guess the question is - is it worse to drop out or worse to disingenuously stay involved, all while privately hating on this lady? I'd love to have a genuine heart to heart with her, but past experience has revealed that this will ultimately cause more grief to the aggrieved than solve any problems and lead to a higher plane of understanding, so while that is a very mature and reasonable answer for most adults, it's not an option here. What say you, mefites?
Final note - this is so crazy long. I apologize in advance if I didn't get to the point concisely, but the context seemed important.
I realize on the surface this sounds like run of the mill wedding drama. Perhaps it is, but at this point it's spilling into a lot of areas of a lot of people's lives and I'm hoping I can get some outside perspectives.
A little background: I've known the bride for over a decade. What I've discovered over this time is she is a perfectly capable "dish over drinks" kind of friend. She's a woman that's good for getting a fancy cocktail with and complaining about whatever man problem you have. A+ on that front.
Of course, that worked a lot better when we were young women in the throes of wildly overwrought romantic dramas. Once we aged a bit and moved out of this model, things completely exploded. We worked together and it went terribly. We went on trips together and it was miserable. The consensus among many mutual friends is she is not someone to embark on any sort of project with because she will ultimately leave you holding the "every crappy part of the project" bag and simultaneously be angry that you aren't thanking her for giving it to you. She isn't meaningfully malicious as far as I can tell - she is just extremely self-involved and lacking in much empathy for other people. Setting boundaries goes badly - she has a way of turning it around on you every time to the point where it feels fruitless to try to have an honest interaction. Long story short, I would prefer to not have a friendship with her. Sad reality though - we still work together and letting the contact whither away naturally has been difficult when she sits next to me. yay.
Cut to this wedding. At the time she asked me to be involved, we worked together. Still do in fact. I am in another wedding (for a very close friend who I am SO THRILLED is getting married and so disgustingly overjoyed to shop for wedding shoes with that it's almost embarrassing) and it looked like I might be able to cite a date conflict. Unfortunately she made it clear she would tailor her dates to ensure I was included. yay.
Working with her has been a continuous challenge for many reasons, and I ultimately decided it was in my best interest to agree to participate because if this is how she treated me at work when she considered me close enough to schedule her wedding around me, I didn't want to see the outcome where I said no when she could plain as day see my day to day life and question my saying no when she was "so flexible." I've debated whether or not this was a good or bad choice with my therapist and friends many times and ultimately people seem to think this was a largely practical decision on my part. I of course am now miserable and wish I had said no in the first place, but hindsight is 20/20 and I have no way of knowing if trading work misery for personal misery was the better choice, so it's sort of a moot point beyond a lesson for the future.
Add to this that two of my close girlfriends (I'll call them 1 and 2) were also asked to be in the bridal party and said yes - 1 because she felt pressured by 2, and 2 because she genuinely still liked her since their friendship was still limited to fancy cocktails and she hadn't embarked on anything complex with her in a few years, forgetting previous traumas.
Cut to now - 2 hates the bride after a couple of as usual non-malicious but somewhat hard-hearted decisions to include 2's ex fiance in the wedding for services to save money, despite 2 still being completely devastated by their breakup and bride not being close with her ex fiance. She told her she chose to use ex fiance to use a deal they were offering. 2 wants to drop out and 1 is mad and hurt because she feels 2 pressured her in the first place when she was crying on her couch about how much the bride had hurt her over the past few months and is now resentful that 2 wants to drop out given that she wasn't supported at that moment. As for me, I have the pleasure of working with her and being continually appalled by her behavior at work, all while swallowing my frustration and fielding 8 bazillion links to different flower arrangements, and hearing truly twisted representations of her side of these issues with 2. My feeling is it wasn't necessarily wrong on paper, but why hurt someone you would include in your wedding if it's simply a practical decision? It just seems unkind.
I could go on and on, but it boils down to this - it is creating wild amounts of cognitive dissonance to be involved in this wedding for all of us, and it's spilling over into my friendships with 1 and 2 and their friendships with each other, all while bride seems oblivious to it. She blames people's non-responsiveness and muted enthusiasm to activities on everyone being busy. In truth, none of us had much social contact with her in the previous years before her wedding and are baffled we were even asked to be involved in something so intimate given that our friendships had all essentially devolved into non-existence up until this point.
Overall, I wish everyone had made independent decisions about their involvement. I did - I decided to do it because of work. I think they tried some 3 musketeers though and now it's backfiring on all of us.
The whole thing is just sort of crazy and tragic. I hate watching my friends hurt about it and feel conflicted. I hate the idea of dropping out and devastating this woman, but I also hate lying to her on a daily basis. I hate pretending to care, and even more I hate the ways I fail at it and don't bring my best self to this day for her despite the fact that I don't believe she deserves my enthusiasm. It's just not who I am and it feels terrible.
At this point, my plan is to hunker through. She revealed she plans to move to a new city on a very fast schedule, so she won't work with me soon which removes that problem, and my moral compass seems to point slightly more toward sucking it up and being deceitful for a few more months rather than being genuine and bursting her weird, fake friendship perception bubble. It's uncomfortable but I feel like I committed at the front end and should see it through. 2 is a live wire and may drop out and I can live with that. 1 feels dropping out under any circumstances is mean and hates 2 for even considering it, so I have no idea how badly this will impact any of our friendships long term.
So I guess the question is - is it worse to drop out or worse to disingenuously stay involved, all while privately hating on this lady? I'd love to have a genuine heart to heart with her, but past experience has revealed that this will ultimately cause more grief to the aggrieved than solve any problems and lead to a higher plane of understanding, so while that is a very mature and reasonable answer for most adults, it's not an option here. What say you, mefites?
Final note - this is so crazy long. I apologize in advance if I didn't get to the point concisely, but the context seemed important.
I think you should hunker down and keep at it, and try, try, try to find something to like about this woman. Imagine if she were your sister or something and you were stuck with her no matter what (because you *are* stuck with her for the next couple of months) - how would you get along with her? If you are going to privately hate on her, then I guess you should drop out, but that seems needlessly cruel.
It's not her fault you didn't set reasonable boundaries earlier, when she first asked you.
posted by mskyle at 6:55 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's not her fault you didn't set reasonable boundaries earlier, when she first asked you.
posted by mskyle at 6:55 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Be in the bridal party, but don't get caught up in the planning of all this. Your duty is to show up on the day of her wedding, wear whatever ugly dress she's picked out, smile, eat a catered dinner, dance with your friends, and laugh about how awful she was as a bride-to-be.
It sounds like you're escalating this into a far bigger situation than it needs to be. You're not the maid-of-honor (I think...it's hard to tell), so honestly, showing up for a fitting or two and maybe dealing with the bachelorette party should be the extent of your commitment.
Let your friends decide for themselves what their level of involvement will be. I'm assuming they're adults who can take care of their own interests.
posted by xingcat at 6:56 AM on May 16, 2012 [22 favorites]
It sounds like you're escalating this into a far bigger situation than it needs to be. You're not the maid-of-honor (I think...it's hard to tell), so honestly, showing up for a fitting or two and maybe dealing with the bachelorette party should be the extent of your commitment.
Let your friends decide for themselves what their level of involvement will be. I'm assuming they're adults who can take care of their own interests.
posted by xingcat at 6:56 AM on May 16, 2012 [22 favorites]
When is this wedding? If it's in 8 weeks and the invites have been sent, hunker down. If it's 6 months, bail. And I agree that you need to stop getting wrapped in the 1 and 2 drama; you talk more about them then you do about the bride. The 3 of you are bouncing off each other and getting each other all worked up. Step back and try to de-escalate.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:59 AM on May 16, 2012 [23 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:59 AM on May 16, 2012 [23 favorites]
This is a tough one, but I think you have to make the decision that is right for you and stop worrying about what #s 1 and 2 think about your decision. You don't like this woman and you really aren't doing her any favors by allowing her to believe that you are friends. I'd drop out, and do it quickly, for it doesn't seem that you want to maintain this fake friendship with her when she moves away.
She'll develop another plan for her wedding, and hopefully that one will include people who are family/closer friends with her. But if that person is not you, and you don't feel at all enthused about even being around her, I'd bow out and tell her the truth in the kindest way possible.
posted by Sal and Richard at 7:00 AM on May 16, 2012
She'll develop another plan for her wedding, and hopefully that one will include people who are family/closer friends with her. But if that person is not you, and you don't feel at all enthused about even being around her, I'd bow out and tell her the truth in the kindest way possible.
posted by Sal and Richard at 7:00 AM on May 16, 2012
It's too bad you're anonymous because I think there are two bits that would be important to know: Who is bridesmaid 4 that apparently doesn't hate her and who is the maid of honor?
Why I think this is important:
If there is a bridesmaid that is still somehow enthusiastic about this wedding, let them handle the bulk of the planning. Even better if she's the maid of honor because that's their job.
You're "just" a bridesmaid. Bat away those planning emails and say you're completely swamped at work (assuming she isn't like your boss or something and would know if you're lying) with maybe one pithy opinion on the flowers. Show up to the bachelorette party, grin and bear it. If she tries to engage you in wedding drama respond with an unhelpful "gee, that's tough" and change the subject.
Friends 1 and 2 need to decide on their own what they want to do. They need to understand that you are just following through on a commitment you promised (with the minimum level of engagement and effort) because well, that's what decent people do. The bride sounds like a nightmare but she doesn't sound like she's done anything bad to you specifically.
posted by like_neon at 7:01 AM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Why I think this is important:
If there is a bridesmaid that is still somehow enthusiastic about this wedding, let them handle the bulk of the planning. Even better if she's the maid of honor because that's their job.
You're "just" a bridesmaid. Bat away those planning emails and say you're completely swamped at work (assuming she isn't like your boss or something and would know if you're lying) with maybe one pithy opinion on the flowers. Show up to the bachelorette party, grin and bear it. If she tries to engage you in wedding drama respond with an unhelpful "gee, that's tough" and change the subject.
Friends 1 and 2 need to decide on their own what they want to do. They need to understand that you are just following through on a commitment you promised (with the minimum level of engagement and effort) because well, that's what decent people do. The bride sounds like a nightmare but she doesn't sound like she's done anything bad to you specifically.
posted by like_neon at 7:01 AM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
"In truth, none of us had much social contact with her in the previous years before her wedding and are baffled we were even asked to be involved in something so intimate given that our friendships had all essentially devolved into non-existence up until this point. "
You know the bride's life far better than I do, of course, but I'm willing to bet you guys are her closest friends, which is why she even asked you. I don't know if that changes how you'll think about being a bridesmaid, but something to consider.
posted by estlin at 7:05 AM on May 16, 2012 [11 favorites]
You know the bride's life far better than I do, of course, but I'm willing to bet you guys are her closest friends, which is why she even asked you. I don't know if that changes how you'll think about being a bridesmaid, but something to consider.
posted by estlin at 7:05 AM on May 16, 2012 [11 favorites]
You agreed to participate in the wedding. No one held a gun to your head. Minimize your participation as much as possible before the wedding. Stop wallowing in the drama and take your own self-imposed medicine. Do you really want to be the person that backs out on commitments because you changed your mind? Nothing changed from when you accepted the invitation except your involvement in others' drama and your growing resentment of the bitch. How did you think this was going to go? She was going to transform into a sweetheart of a person?
posted by txmon at 7:07 AM on May 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by txmon at 7:07 AM on May 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
I know you want to run. That would have been the thing to do when she asked, but it's too late now. You don't have to do things with her the way you do things with your other friend. I was the maid of honor to someone I really didn't like. She was family! It was awful because the issues went around the world. In the end, I stuck with it, made the best of it and moved on. I didn't do any of the shopping and such, but I did everything I was knew was the right thing to do on the day of the wedding. It'll be done and over with soon enough.
I'm not suggesting you do act fake, but you agreed to do this in the beginning with the mindset that you can go through with it. There must have been something redeeming in this person that you would agree to be her bridesmaid and attend her wedding. Remember that little bit even if it is just fumes at this point.
I recently have decided to be thankful for someone who I truly despised. In a matter of ten minutes of explaining to someone why I had such terribly negative feelings for that person, I found a small precious reason to not hate him. It has totally released me from those negative feelings of him.
posted by Yellow at 7:08 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm not suggesting you do act fake, but you agreed to do this in the beginning with the mindset that you can go through with it. There must have been something redeeming in this person that you would agree to be her bridesmaid and attend her wedding. Remember that little bit even if it is just fumes at this point.
I recently have decided to be thankful for someone who I truly despised. In a matter of ten minutes of explaining to someone why I had such terribly negative feelings for that person, I found a small precious reason to not hate him. It has totally released me from those negative feelings of him.
posted by Yellow at 7:08 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I had to cut someone off after being in her wedding. I did go through it, though. I dealt with it by simply ignoring everything wedding related. Texts, emails, phone calls. I ignored it like it never happened and didn't allow any of it to get under my skin.
I simply showed up in my dress on the day of. Considering how quiet and uncomfortable the bridal suite was before the wedding, everyone had reached their limit with her. I later found out that of the 5 bridesmaids, only one still speaks to mean bride (her sister-in-law). There was a very impersonal feel to the wedding, and no one in the bridal party wanted to be there. Looking back, I don't know if we did her any favors by sticking though it.
If you haven't bought the dress yet, then you can consider dropping out.
oh wait, considering the fact that you were all baffled to be invited, then there's a very real possiblity that you were invited just a fillers to get even numbers. Yeah, then I'd really consider dropping out. ... unless it will make things more awkward at work.
posted by Neekee at 7:11 AM on May 16, 2012
I simply showed up in my dress on the day of. Considering how quiet and uncomfortable the bridal suite was before the wedding, everyone had reached their limit with her. I later found out that of the 5 bridesmaids, only one still speaks to mean bride (her sister-in-law). There was a very impersonal feel to the wedding, and no one in the bridal party wanted to be there. Looking back, I don't know if we did her any favors by sticking though it.
If you haven't bought the dress yet, then you can consider dropping out.
oh wait, considering the fact that you were all baffled to be invited, then there's a very real possiblity that you were invited just a fillers to get even numbers. Yeah, then I'd really consider dropping out. ... unless it will make things more awkward at work.
posted by Neekee at 7:11 AM on May 16, 2012
I'd say drop out, but clear it first with the other bridesmaids who you still like. You owe somewhat of an obligation to them, because as you've said you're in this together.
If you still have to go, ditch all the pre-wedding bullshit (shower, party, trying on dresses, all that crap - sorry, I'm kind of wedding-jaded), show up on the day of, then either leave early or get blasted, whatever you prefer.
Better yet, tell drama-bride that this is what you plan to do, and see if she still wants you around.
They always say not to burn bridges, but who wants a bunch of crappy bridges sitting around?
posted by moammargaret at 7:11 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you still have to go, ditch all the pre-wedding bullshit (shower, party, trying on dresses, all that crap - sorry, I'm kind of wedding-jaded), show up on the day of, then either leave early or get blasted, whatever you prefer.
Better yet, tell drama-bride that this is what you plan to do, and see if she still wants you around.
They always say not to burn bridges, but who wants a bunch of crappy bridges sitting around?
posted by moammargaret at 7:11 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
You made a pragmatic decision to be in this wedding, and for you, it makes sense. As for the other two, perhaps you can go for drinks, just the three of you and come up with a strategy for making the next 3 months as painless as possible.
1. Anticipate the little parties you'll need to plan for her. The shower and the bachelorette party. Also something at work. Divide the obligations between the three of you.
2. Support friend #2, but encourage her to hang in there. Yes, she's upset with the bride, but you can all stop talking to her after the wedding.
3. Don't fake enthusiasm. When the bride tries to rope you into discussions, just say, "I wish I had all the time in the world to discuss your wedding, but I'm juggling a lot of things right now." Shine her on.
4. Plan other stuff that's not wedding related. Take a class, get into a particular TV show, create a boundary so that when Bride starts letting loose the crazy, you can say, "I'd love to discuss your china pattern options, but I've got to dash."
5. Have a bridesmaids night at each other's house once a week. You rotate and each provides dinner and drinks. You watch some television or a movie. You don't talk about the bride or the wedding. The bride does NOT need to know about it. This will cement your relationship and give you an oasis of non-wedding peace.
You can't let the drama or the wedding take over your life. Do this on your terms and you'll be a lot happier.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:11 AM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
1. Anticipate the little parties you'll need to plan for her. The shower and the bachelorette party. Also something at work. Divide the obligations between the three of you.
2. Support friend #2, but encourage her to hang in there. Yes, she's upset with the bride, but you can all stop talking to her after the wedding.
3. Don't fake enthusiasm. When the bride tries to rope you into discussions, just say, "I wish I had all the time in the world to discuss your wedding, but I'm juggling a lot of things right now." Shine her on.
4. Plan other stuff that's not wedding related. Take a class, get into a particular TV show, create a boundary so that when Bride starts letting loose the crazy, you can say, "I'd love to discuss your china pattern options, but I've got to dash."
5. Have a bridesmaids night at each other's house once a week. You rotate and each provides dinner and drinks. You watch some television or a movie. You don't talk about the bride or the wedding. The bride does NOT need to know about it. This will cement your relationship and give you an oasis of non-wedding peace.
You can't let the drama or the wedding take over your life. Do this on your terms and you'll be a lot happier.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:11 AM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Drop out. Screw this woman. She is clearly not your friend and you owe her nothing. There's nothing wrong with cutting someone toxic out of your life.
posted by imagineerit at 7:14 AM on May 16, 2012
posted by imagineerit at 7:14 AM on May 16, 2012
Greg Nog, ftw. Try to disengage emotionally and just get through this with a combination of boundaries, efficiency, and punchy/dark humor.
posted by mercredi at 7:26 AM on May 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by mercredi at 7:26 AM on May 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Talk to 1 and 2 and say that you're dropping out. Stage a walk-out.
People don't get to be dismissive of other people's feelings simply because they're getting married.
For you, this adds nothing to your life and only serves as a costly distraction that is uncomfortable. Be more proactive about your boundaries going forward. No one will respect them if you don't make them plain and enforced.
posted by inturnaround at 7:28 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
People don't get to be dismissive of other people's feelings simply because they're getting married.
For you, this adds nothing to your life and only serves as a costly distraction that is uncomfortable. Be more proactive about your boundaries going forward. No one will respect them if you don't make them plain and enforced.
posted by inturnaround at 7:28 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
If it weren't for the ex-fiance thing, I'd say everybody should suck it up and power through since you made the commitment to do it.
However... the bride is being a total bitch about insisting on the ex-fiance in spite of how strongly 2 feels against it. In this case, if the three of you can get on the same page, go to the bride and tell her if she doesn't replace ex-fiance, that all three of you are dropping out. You don't have to say it mean, just tell her how hurtful it is for 2, and that you just can't be part of that, and blah blah whatever it is that people say when they are being kind but firm.
Hopefully she will then decide to ditch ex-fiance. Then, and only then, should the three of you suck it up and power through. If she goes ballistic, then I suspect that all of you will feel a lot less conflicted about not going through with it.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:31 AM on May 16, 2012
However... the bride is being a total bitch about insisting on the ex-fiance in spite of how strongly 2 feels against it. In this case, if the three of you can get on the same page, go to the bride and tell her if she doesn't replace ex-fiance, that all three of you are dropping out. You don't have to say it mean, just tell her how hurtful it is for 2, and that you just can't be part of that, and blah blah whatever it is that people say when they are being kind but firm.
Hopefully she will then decide to ditch ex-fiance. Then, and only then, should the three of you suck it up and power through. If she goes ballistic, then I suspect that all of you will feel a lot less conflicted about not going through with it.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:31 AM on May 16, 2012
I think you should stay involved, but be blunt and honest. Say you think she's being too harsh on 2, and help her with wedding details only to a reasonable extent. If she complains, just tell her the truth. If boundaries don't work, let her get pissed off.
I used to have a friend who was really demanding and in your face, and I couldn't put up with it, but I noticed her friends who did put up with it did so but just keeping a cool head and saying what they thought without indignation or malice. It's the only way...
posted by stoneandstar at 7:45 AM on May 16, 2012
I used to have a friend who was really demanding and in your face, and I couldn't put up with it, but I noticed her friends who did put up with it did so but just keeping a cool head and saying what they thought without indignation or malice. It's the only way...
posted by stoneandstar at 7:45 AM on May 16, 2012
I agree with Greg Nog and others here - be that hunkering down, awesomely together friend for the three of you as this debacle proceeds.
I hate giving things to undeserving folk and I'd feel as resentful as you do about giving her more of yourselves than you are ever going to receive in consideration from her... But, perhaps you could calm yourself/other bridesmaids by considering that this woman will need good friends throughout her adult life, after her wedding. And she won't have that support after the way she has treated her 'friends'.
A bridal party is a symbolic embodiment of the good friendships between the couple and their homeys - people who'll always, you hope, have your back. This wedding - or, this big cocktail party dressed up as a wedding - is as good as it gets for this bride. You may be locked into this situation right now, but any real, good, ongoing friendship material is destroyed. This seems to be the core ramification of the Bridezilla mentality. The 'party' should never involve sacrificing the rest-of-life goodwill of your homeys.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:50 AM on May 16, 2012
I hate giving things to undeserving folk and I'd feel as resentful as you do about giving her more of yourselves than you are ever going to receive in consideration from her... But, perhaps you could calm yourself/other bridesmaids by considering that this woman will need good friends throughout her adult life, after her wedding. And she won't have that support after the way she has treated her 'friends'.
A bridal party is a symbolic embodiment of the good friendships between the couple and their homeys - people who'll always, you hope, have your back. This wedding - or, this big cocktail party dressed up as a wedding - is as good as it gets for this bride. You may be locked into this situation right now, but any real, good, ongoing friendship material is destroyed. This seems to be the core ramification of the Bridezilla mentality. The 'party' should never involve sacrificing the rest-of-life goodwill of your homeys.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:50 AM on May 16, 2012
This all comes down to you working together. If you can't risk a breach with her while working together, get a new job. At that point, cut off contact. Your participation in the wedding will be determined by where you are working at that point. (Although I personally think it's too late to back out, since she actually hasn't done anything to you, you just don't like her anymore.)
posted by spaltavian at 8:08 AM on May 16, 2012
posted by spaltavian at 8:08 AM on May 16, 2012
If you make arrangements with someone (such as agreeing to be in a wedding party) and then the situation becomes unpleasant due to miscommunication, unkindness, whatever, it's perfectly acceptable to say, "Hey wait. I don't like how you're treating me. We need to reassess what we're doing here." Just because this is a wedding doesn't mean you're obligated to take whatever abuse and bad behavior she chooses to dish out.
This doesn't have to be a "heart to heart" conversation. It can be a practical and blunt "When you do X, it makes me not want to be in your wedding party" conversation. " She doesn't need to feel remorse about her actions, but she does need to understand and respect your boundaries, which means you need to state them: "You know that 2 went through a devastating breakup with Bill, and now you're expecting her to interact with him at your wedding--and you're saying nasty things about her to me because she's not happy about it? When you say things like this and act like that towards our friend, it makes me not want to be in your wedding party. I need you to stop saying those things about her to me, and frankly I'd like you to consider finding a new vendor out of respect for 2."
Let 1 and 2 make their own decisions.
(You can, of course, hunker down and pretend to approve of her behavior until the wedding is over, but I personally think that life is too short for that kind of nonsense.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:10 AM on May 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
This doesn't have to be a "heart to heart" conversation. It can be a practical and blunt "When you do X, it makes me not want to be in your wedding party" conversation. " She doesn't need to feel remorse about her actions, but she does need to understand and respect your boundaries, which means you need to state them: "You know that 2 went through a devastating breakup with Bill, and now you're expecting her to interact with him at your wedding--and you're saying nasty things about her to me because she's not happy about it? When you say things like this and act like that towards our friend, it makes me not want to be in your wedding party. I need you to stop saying those things about her to me, and frankly I'd like you to consider finding a new vendor out of respect for 2."
Let 1 and 2 make their own decisions.
(You can, of course, hunker down and pretend to approve of her behavior until the wedding is over, but I personally think that life is too short for that kind of nonsense.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:10 AM on May 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
From what I understand you knew about all of her drama and general bitchiness before you agreed to participate in her wedding. Nothing has changed about the situation since you said yes, other than two other friends now dislike her as much as you do.
Maybe if you didn't work with her I'd say just screw it and drop out but because you will still need to interact with her on a professional basis better to just power through this unfortunate situation.
We all make stupid mistakes and most of the time we have to learn to live with them. In your case this stupid mistake has a definite end in sight. Yay! That is a good thing because you can still be true to your word without having to live with the unfortunate consequences of the bad decision for very long.
Keep your distance from her and try to avoid participating in much of the wedding business. It'll be all over soon and then you can gently cut off ties with her insomuch as it is possible for you to do so since you still work with this beast.
I've been in your situation before, by the way, I just dealt with it and then let the relationship wither away after the wedding. I don't regret anything. She may though, as she was the one who was left with photos of a wedding full of bridesmaids who she no longer has any contact with because of her general crappy attitude.
posted by teamnap at 8:11 AM on May 16, 2012
Maybe if you didn't work with her I'd say just screw it and drop out but because you will still need to interact with her on a professional basis better to just power through this unfortunate situation.
We all make stupid mistakes and most of the time we have to learn to live with them. In your case this stupid mistake has a definite end in sight. Yay! That is a good thing because you can still be true to your word without having to live with the unfortunate consequences of the bad decision for very long.
Keep your distance from her and try to avoid participating in much of the wedding business. It'll be all over soon and then you can gently cut off ties with her insomuch as it is possible for you to do so since you still work with this beast.
I've been in your situation before, by the way, I just dealt with it and then let the relationship wither away after the wedding. I don't regret anything. She may though, as she was the one who was left with photos of a wedding full of bridesmaids who she no longer has any contact with because of her general crappy attitude.
posted by teamnap at 8:11 AM on May 16, 2012
The way I see it, a wedding is supposed to be a memorable and enjoyable experience. It is not going to pan out this way for any of you including the bride if people that dislike the bride are part of the wedding. You should not be a part of this wedding if you don't care for the bride past occasional drinks. Drop out now regardless of the time left and let her find some other people to be bridesmaids for the wedding.
posted by livinglearning at 8:12 AM on May 16, 2012
posted by livinglearning at 8:12 AM on May 16, 2012
It depends on how far off the wedding is. If it's far enough away that a reasonable person would have plenty of time to find replacement bridesmaids, go shopping with them for outfits, and do all the other... "bridesmaidy-type stuff" (the world of bridesmaids is a mystery to me) then you should feel free to bow out gracefully. On the other hand, if you've been debating this to yourself until the very last minute, and now it'll be almost impossible for her to change plans, then I think you have a moral obligation to see this through - assuming of course that keeping promises is important to you.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 8:22 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by wolfdreams01 at 8:22 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I can't help but be filled with sadness for her. Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like she has one true friend (this is not a judgement of you or of BMs 1&2; it is simply that you three are not compatible with this person). Is it possible that she suspects this?
Here's a guess: she knows deep-down that you four (you, her, BMs 1&2) are not besties. But she has no one else (or why would she have chosen you three?). If you drop out, who does she have in her party? She won't have the time to replace you three (if you leave, the others will too!) and she'll have a single maid-of-honour. Her wedding will become a reminder: no one likes her enough to be there for her on the most important day of her life.
That sounds super melodramatic, but it sounds like it could possibly be in-line with the way Bridezilla thinks.
GregNog's suggestion is amazing. Follow it for sure, but try not to be resentful. Do it out of a place of love and charity for a person who is perhaps not someone you care about now but who has been there for you in the past -- someone who needs your help for the next few months. Try to have a bit of fun and look back on it (when she's in a new city at a new job!) as something you did out of the goodness of your heart for 3 people who needed you.
posted by AmandaA at 8:32 AM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Here's a guess: she knows deep-down that you four (you, her, BMs 1&2) are not besties. But she has no one else (or why would she have chosen you three?). If you drop out, who does she have in her party? She won't have the time to replace you three (if you leave, the others will too!) and she'll have a single maid-of-honour. Her wedding will become a reminder: no one likes her enough to be there for her on the most important day of her life.
That sounds super melodramatic, but it sounds like it could possibly be in-line with the way Bridezilla thinks.
GregNog's suggestion is amazing. Follow it for sure, but try not to be resentful. Do it out of a place of love and charity for a person who is perhaps not someone you care about now but who has been there for you in the past -- someone who needs your help for the next few months. Try to have a bit of fun and look back on it (when she's in a new city at a new job!) as something you did out of the goodness of your heart for 3 people who needed you.
posted by AmandaA at 8:32 AM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
You made some whopper mistakes (and the therapist and friends who are absolving you for "practical" decision-making are wrong) and will learn from them, I've no doubt. But right now, you have to meet this obligation as gracefully as possible, and you can not accomplish that down in the mud, which is where you currently are.
Put on your happy face, step back from every scintilla of negativity and drama, get very busy doing other things, show up when required, Rise Above. Busy yourself with your own life, pronto, but fulfill your obligations with good cheer and maturity. And then let life bring some distance to this "friendship."
posted by thinkpiece at 8:36 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Put on your happy face, step back from every scintilla of negativity and drama, get very busy doing other things, show up when required, Rise Above. Busy yourself with your own life, pronto, but fulfill your obligations with good cheer and maturity. And then let life bring some distance to this "friendship."
posted by thinkpiece at 8:36 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
The other bridesmaids have the option to cut this drama out of their lives. Sadly, you don't have that option -- your only option is to move the drama over into your work life. Since you can't really ditch it, I'd say suck it up.
posted by tyllwin at 8:44 AM on May 16, 2012
posted by tyllwin at 8:44 AM on May 16, 2012
I'm having a hard time seeing where all the drama is coming from the bride. Perhaps it's the way you chose to write your question, but it really sounds like the three bridesmaids are creating or primarily participating in the chaos. Bridesmaid number 2 needs to calmly and professionally tell the bride she will not be in the wedding if her ex is there, period. Number 1 needs to be supportive of the decision and not get all blamey- she's an adult, and ultimately chose to be a bridesmaid all on her own, regardless of number 2. You need to step out of their issues and decide whether or not to participate based on the things that affect you, and you only. Stop looking at flower arrangements and other stuff that is not your job. All of you need to stop egging each other on, overtly or otherwise. Make a plan together for how to do this as drama-free as possible, and stick to it.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:48 AM on May 16, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by oneirodynia at 8:48 AM on May 16, 2012 [10 favorites]
I'd tell you to get out, but you work with her. She has apparently infilitrated every part of your life...so there's no way to just cut her out of things, you have to see her pretty much every day. That's the real problem.
So I would say this: get through the wedding, however you can. It's just a wedding. It will be over eventually.
After the wedding, start cooling things off with the bride. Maybe even seek a job in a different department. This would be the point at which you have a "heart to heart" which, lets' be honest, is really just the Let's Not Be Friends Anymore speech. Possibly her getting married will make this easier. Possibly not. But that's the time to do it, not in the midst of wedding prep.
posted by emjaybee at 9:15 AM on May 16, 2012
So I would say this: get through the wedding, however you can. It's just a wedding. It will be over eventually.
After the wedding, start cooling things off with the bride. Maybe even seek a job in a different department. This would be the point at which you have a "heart to heart" which, lets' be honest, is really just the Let's Not Be Friends Anymore speech. Possibly her getting married will make this easier. Possibly not. But that's the time to do it, not in the midst of wedding prep.
posted by emjaybee at 9:15 AM on May 16, 2012
Gang up on her, three against one. Tell her first of all that she has to choose between 2's ex-fiance or the three of you, because otherwise that's just a cruel way to 2. Secondly, tell her exactly what the three of you are willing to do (i.e. one shopping trip, one fitting, one party and one wedding, no more opinions on flower arrangements or other details). Present a united front and put her on notice. Maybe you alone can't get her to behave better, but if you work together then the three of you should be able to.
posted by hazyjane at 9:50 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by hazyjane at 9:50 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
You made a pragmatic decision that this was the best way to deal with a difficult coworker when you have her next to you every single day. I still think that sounds like the best decision for as long as you have to work with her. I wouldn't want this brat as an *enemy* when you hear what she's like as a friend. Suck it up until you hit the end date because this bratling will make your days at work a thousand times worse if you're not in the wedding (even if you have more free time afterwards). You know she's crazy and logic and "heart to hearts" don't work with crazy.
1 and 2 need to deal with this on their own. You literally see her all the time (as emjaybee pointed out, that's the real problem) and you have your own coping to deal with compared to theirs. Whether they stay in or not is their own choice.
This advice letter on how to deal with drama crazy may help here?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:07 AM on May 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
1 and 2 need to deal with this on their own. You literally see her all the time (as emjaybee pointed out, that's the real problem) and you have your own coping to deal with compared to theirs. Whether they stay in or not is their own choice.
This advice letter on how to deal with drama crazy may help here?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:07 AM on May 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Dropping out of a wedding party for no external reason is a hurtful act and is highly likely to be a friendship-breaker even when the bride is not as difficult as you claim this woman is.
You've convinced everyone that this was a practical decision, but your argumentum ad populum suggests that you haven't quite succeeded in convincing yourself. If any part of you is itching to let this woman know you hate her - dropping out of her wedding party is not the way to do it. That would be an extremely cruel way of ending the friendship, especially with someone you acknowledge is not malicious.
You went along with this because you work with her. That's exactly why, in my opinion, you should not have agreed to it, but it's too late now. Anyway, she will be gone soon. You therefore have nothing to lose by nodding along and performing your professional and social duties until then.
posted by tel3path at 10:31 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
You've convinced everyone that this was a practical decision, but your argumentum ad populum suggests that you haven't quite succeeded in convincing yourself. If any part of you is itching to let this woman know you hate her - dropping out of her wedding party is not the way to do it. That would be an extremely cruel way of ending the friendship, especially with someone you acknowledge is not malicious.
You went along with this because you work with her. That's exactly why, in my opinion, you should not have agreed to it, but it's too late now. Anyway, she will be gone soon. You therefore have nothing to lose by nodding along and performing your professional and social duties until then.
posted by tel3path at 10:31 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I don't think it's 2's choice at all if her ex is included in the wedding or not. It sucks, but I can't see much reason she'd need to interact with him (my bridesmaid experience was pretty strictly limited to the bride & other maids) and, more importantly, IT'S NOT HER WEDDING.
That said, the drama stinks, but I agree that you need to just get through it. Think of it as the last time it will be All About Her.
posted by maryr at 11:31 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
That said, the drama stinks, but I agree that you need to just get through it. Think of it as the last time it will be All About Her.
posted by maryr at 11:31 AM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
You have two options: do it and turn it into a funny story (there's a good story in there somewhere), or just start setting boundaries with this woman immediately. Tell her you can't do it and cut off all nonprofessional contact. Get a new job, probably, and learn how to set better boundaries with people from the get-go with people in the future.
Life is too short to get caught up in drama.
posted by k8lin at 12:11 PM on May 16, 2012
Life is too short to get caught up in drama.
posted by k8lin at 12:11 PM on May 16, 2012
Meet with your friends and talk this out - you want to keep their friendship no matter what. You have to realize you three together have some power over Bridezilla if she wants you all there. Keep an eye out for a similar service with a good deal to replace the ex's company. If you're so determined to see this wedding through, fine, but you use your leverage of a long friendship to make things better for the friends you actually like. Your friends are more likely to bail otherwise. Bridezilla won't have much of an excuse if you provide her with an alternative solution that keeps the peace.
posted by lizbunny at 12:33 PM on May 16, 2012
posted by lizbunny at 12:33 PM on May 16, 2012
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posted by empath at 6:52 AM on May 16, 2012 [16 favorites]