Not invited to the wedding
May 14, 2015 8:41 PM   Subscribe

My brother-in-law invited my wife and my kids to his wedding, but not me. This evening, he texted my wife asking her to do a reading at the wedding. She's going to say yes. I feel amazingly resentful. Help.

So, it's been two-and-a-half years since this incident. I have never spoken to my brother-in-law since that incident, and, as best as I can tell, he and my wife haven't had a lot of contact since then. Following the incident, for the next couple of weeks, I rearranged my schedule so I would never be in the apartment at the same time as my brother-in-law. I rented a new apartment and my wife and I hired movers and we timed things so that the movers could remove my stuff without my brother-in-law knowing about it in advance. I was afraid that he would flip out if or when he found out.

Following the move-out, I had zero contact with him. I asked my wife to get him to sublet my old apartment (since I couldn't sublet to someone in good faith given my fears of violence). That didn't work out, so we eventually ate several thousand dollars in rent payments over the remainder of the lease.

My brother-in-law dropped out of his residency and did moonlighting, applied for and got into a new residency program, dropped out of that one, too, and is now moonlighting again. He's stayed current on his student loans (which I co-signed).

After seeing the wedding invitation (which didn't have my name on it), my wife called her mother, and verified that I was being excluded from the wedding because of "bad blood". I thought that made things simple, and that there was no way for anyone in our family to attend. But she didn't return the RSVP card declining.

The wedding is next weekend. This evening, my wife received a text from her brother, asking her to do a reading. She's going to attend the wedding by herself, without the children.

My wife says that she needs her family's support; that she feels very stressed out from issues we've had with the kids and that she needs the support of her mom and her aunt. Which, to me, seems kind of odd to say, since her mom hasn't been very supportive and her aunt is happy to take our kids out on the boat when we're in town, but isn't a presence otherwise. (We live 500 miles away from the mom and aunt.) My wife seems to think that not showing up at her brother's wedding will create a rift between her and her entire extended family.

I feel resentful towards my wife that she's chosen her brother (and family) over me. She feels resentful towards me for "making her choose" between her spouse and her brother. My wife wants me to get over this; I feel like I can't.

Bonus: During our fight this evening it came out that her family thinks I'm the one who did something wrong, by overreacting and moving out without telling him.

Even more special snowflake: I'm trans. The incident happened shortly after I transitioned full-time. My wife's mother and father have been grudgingly supportive, but have apparently been telling her for the past couple of years that she should get a divorce.

Kicker: My 12-year-old heard us fighting and went into a full-blown anxiety attack.

I don't know what to do. Hope?
posted by QuantumMeruit to Human Relations (34 answers total)
 
I know it seems like your wife isn't supporting you. But what do you lose by letting her go to the wedding?

Presuming you two have a generally happy, healthy relationship, where she is supportive of you otherwise, I would be supportive of her and process your hurt feelings about this individually. It just... Seems like there's no benefit to making a fuss. Even though your BIL was wrong in what he did.

Now, her brother sounds like he sucks. You get to know forevermore that you're a better person than he is and silently and internally have the higher moral ground.

Unless there are deeper dynamics at play and you're hurt or feeling unsupported by your wife on other things, I'd pile this into the "let her go and take one for the team" category. If something is deeper, and you're unsupported or insecure on other stuff, time for more heart to heart talking on it.

Go punch pillows or go jogging or talk to friends/therapists until the hurt feelings go away.
posted by slateyness at 8:52 PM on May 14, 2015 [9 favorites]


>>I feel resentful towards my wife that she's chosen her brother (and family) over me.
She hasn't. She's going to a wedding, not moving out.
My advice, have her go to the wedding, while you spend some QT with your child. You don't have to forgive your BIL, but you should be kind to your spouse.
posted by pyro979 at 8:55 PM on May 14, 2015 [65 favorites]


If he and your wife haven't had much contact the last couple of years, it almost sounds like this request to do a reading is a first tentative extension of an olive branch. He might not be ready to reconcile with you yet (and maybe you don't want that), but if he can get back to being on normal terms with your wife, that might be a baby step towards reconciliation with the whole family.

It does kind of suck that your wife isn't willing to turn this down if that's what you want, but maybe thinking about it as your brother reaching out makes it easier for you to accept.
posted by lollusc at 8:58 PM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


After seeing the wedding invitation (which didn't have my name on it), my wife called her mother, and verified that I was being excluded from the wedding because of "bad blood". I thought that made things simple, and that there was no way for anyone in our family to attend. But she didn't return the RSVP card declining.

That sounds frustrating and would bother me since it seems like an opportunity for you and your wife to have a nice bonding "Wow that was a bad time in our lives and I'm so happy we've been able to move past it TOGETHER" but having her go can sort of pick at that scab if it's not talked about. And a bad fight is not a good place to come at this topic from.

That said I agree with other people. It's not "your family without you" it's "You and your family stay home and your wife goes to try to salvage some family something if she can for her own reasons" and that might be worth something to her even if it's worth nothing you to. And you might feel better about it if you didn't feel like she sort of vagued into it and didn't make an affirmative choice.

For now you have hurt feelings and they're totally understandable and you might want to come at a conversation with your wife from a position of compromise and explain that you understand she's going to the wedding but you'd like to maybe have some real talk about that bad time and how it's still alive in some of the concerns you have about her, her family, her brother and your general feeling of safety and comfort within the larger context you two exist in.

She shouldn't feel like you're making her choose, she should be demonstrating good boundaries and be on Team You Guys about the bad treatment that you experienced in the past and be cautious and caring about you and the family issues generally. She may be able to get to that place once she's gotten over her own part of the fight, but that's the trajectory I'd be aiming for. I am sorry this happened.
posted by jessamyn at 9:07 PM on May 14, 2015 [11 favorites]


Your BIL's a jerk, but you'll be just as bad if you make it difficult for your wife to have a relationship with her family. Between "the incident" and you're being trans (not that there's anything wrong with that), your wife's family has a lot to overcome before they can embrace you; apparently, given the divorce talk, they're still ambivalent about you at best. Don't give them more ammunition. It would be nice for you and your wife if you could have a relationship with them someday.

Regarding "the incident," I understand why you acted the way you did. However, is there no statute of limitations? The BIL can't hurt you now (unless he defaults on the loans), so is there no way you can find it in your heart to let it go? Apparently your wife is tired of the Cold War. You don't have to be BFFs, but letting it go would be a kindness to your wife and would be freeing for you too, I suspect. Send a brief note congratulating him and professing that you look forward to meeting his new wife at the next family event.
posted by carmicha at 9:10 PM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


Your wife isn't choosing her brother over you. You're the one who's turning this into an either/or choice. I don't see how her making this minimal effort to maintain a relationship with her brother harms you. But can't you see how being pushed to alienate herself from her family could harm her? You may not think those family relationships are worth much, but you don't get to decide for her.
posted by Redstart at 9:18 PM on May 14, 2015 [41 favorites]


Be kind to your wife. Be cool and supportive as a partner in the relationship. This sucks for her - take some deep breaths and be glad you 1. don't live with psycho BIL anymore and 2. You don't have to go to the wedding and pretend that you like him. Also consider marriage and/or family counseling, things just sound stressful.
posted by Toddles at 9:18 PM on May 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


I think your best bet is to take the high road here. Tell your wife you love her and want her to be happy and that you're ok with her going. (It wouldn't even be unfair to implicitly request the acknowledgement of your magnanimity, like "honey, I love you so much that even though this no-invitation business really hurts my feelings, I just want you to be happy, and I want you to have a great relationship with your brother, so go with my blessing, and we can just hope that he will grow up one day and not do stuff like this.")

Once you frame this to yourself, and to her, as your opportunity to be the bigger person, you'll be able to feel proud of contributing to your wife's happiness instead of betrayed by her wanting to be at her own brother's wedding. (Which, I don't blame you for being annoyed at him, he sounds like a turd, but come on. This is her brother's wedding. Not going to it WOULD be a bigger deal than a thrown vase or a broken lease or whatever it was.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:31 PM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


So, if your name had been on the invitation--would you have wanted to go?

At any rate, I am hoping that you haven't been resentful to your wife during these two and a half years...

Remember, she already "stood by you" as she helped you hire movers, sublet your old apartment, absorbed the loss of rent with you...
I'm hoping that by keeping that in mind you can erase any doubts regarding her loyalty to you and your relationship.
posted by calgirl at 9:36 PM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Gosh I am really sorry I am suggesting this, but uh, after the wedding and stuff, I think you need to talk to a lawyer or other professional and explore your options for getting out from under his student loans.

I agree you should send him a nice card and be the bigger person here. I agree you should be really supportive of your wife and understand she is not actively betraying you by going to this family event.

But gosh darn it, how dare this guy blithely move forward in life without squaring his obligation to you. If he won't honor you, apologize, and/or lies about your character - well then he should take steps to remove his sizable financial obligations from your shoulders.

That's the hill you should die on, because that one potentially threatens the financial stability of you and your family.

Your graciousness here bolsters your point down the road when you move to withdraw your signature from his debt.
posted by jbenben at 9:46 PM on May 14, 2015 [19 favorites]


Much as your BIL is a jerk and the rest of your wife's family isn't sounding too super supportive towards you either...this is the family she came from. She can't get another one if she cuts this one off. If she wants any kind of relationship with them, which apparently she does, not going to a wedding is a huuuuuuuuuuuge offense.

And really, you don't want to go, do you? You don't want to be there and he doesn't want you to be there. Fine for both of you.

It sounds like you just want to force her to choose sides, which is incredibly difficult. I have a friend who says that if anyone forces her to choose sides, she will pick the one who doesn't force her to choose. I know I've been lectured that spouses come first in a relationship and all that, but if your wife doesn't want to carry on the feud forever, and she has more emotional investment and history with him... honestly, I think you're probably better off just letting this one go rather than picking a fight with your wife about it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:50 PM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


My wife says that she needs her family's support; that she feels very stressed out from issues we've had with the kids and that she needs the support of her mom and her aunt. Which, to me, seems kind of odd to say

Listen to your wife, and grant her the right to define her own needs, rather than second-guessing them and substituting your own interpretation of what seems right.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:07 PM on May 14, 2015 [26 favorites]


Which, to me, seems kind of odd to say...

Read it as "I can't take yet another emotional burden, for example my mom and/or aunt declaring war on me." Sometimes one has to work with what one's got with regard to familial support. Going forward, it would probably be nice for your wife to have local friends who are more supportive, and perhaps a therapist. In the meanwhile, be kind to her; she sounds stressed.
posted by teremala at 11:23 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


To be clear she's not picking her brother over you. She's picking herself over you. You're asking her to put her needs second to yours. I don't think any partner has a right to do that.

You need to feel your wife has your back, naturally. She needs to feel she will be allowed to remain close to her family. Both reasonable and important. You will have to find a way for these to co-exist. I would encourage you to think about why her attending the wedding feels problematic. You're not being asked to go or to pretend you haven't been slighted. What would it take for you to feel like she has your back? Can you spell it out? Maybe it will help if you can both understand what it is you are implicitly asking for - and maybe it will make it easier to see why it seems like you are asking too much of your wife.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:53 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


It sounds like she's choosing her brother for one day out of two and a half years, but she's choosing you the other 1200-odd days. I mean, go ahead and feel resentful about her doing the absolute bare minimum to maintain a relationship with her mildly dickheaded brother and family by attending a hugely important community-building celebration, but it's clear she's not taking their advice to split because she's still here.
posted by tchemgrrl at 4:27 AM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


To invite only one half of a social unit is hugely disrespectful, a slap in the face. Ideally, she would respond with, "thanks but no thanks". You should have each others' backs! Otherwise she is putting her need for family peace above your being treated well.

However, if she has been supportive and recognises what an affront this is, I would view it as you taking one for the team. She doesn't have the strength right now to fight this battle and die on this hill. She needs your support.
Not taking the kids is a good sign.

If she routinely puts her family above your needs I would answer differently.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:51 AM on May 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


Let your wife go to her brother's wedding. She is being respectful to you by not bringing your shared children. You need to respect her enough to allow her to live her life, including spending time with her family.

You moving out like that was a jerk thing to do. Yes, he shouldn't have thrown anything. He may have been having a bad day. Your transitioning might have been causing him some serious stress. Whatever. Grow up and apologize for your part in the mess. Your wife needs her family.

If you haven't already, you should both apologize to your child for having it out in earshot, in a manner that caused an anxiety attack. That was wrong and warrants a discussion.

If you had handled the moving out better and they were pulling this, I would absolutely side with you on it. No one should come between a husband and a wife and inviting her and not you to the wedding would be wrong. But, the way you handled things and then left them to fester makes their not including you understandable. It's his day. He wants his sister there. He doesn't want anyone there who hates or resents him. He doesn't want any drama. Allowing him to have his wedding without any drama from you could be the one thing that heals this rift that you created with your wife's family.

If you don't want to feel resentful then choose to rise above this and work on mending fences. Defending your position is only going to feed into your resentful feelings. Move forward. You will feel better.
posted by myselfasme at 6:18 AM on May 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


My wife seems to think that not showing up at her brother's wedding will create a rift between her and her entire extended family.

Yes, your wife is right, it probably will. And life is really too short to be fighting with your family members for no good reason.


She feels resentful towards me for "making her choose" between her spouse and her brother.

This is the appropriate reaction to have in my opinion. You SHOULD be standing aside, letting her make her own decision and be supportive no matter what she chooses.

During our fight this evening it came out that her family thinks I'm the one who did something wrong, by overreacting and moving out without telling him.

Family will generally support Blood Relatives when push comes to shove. If it's true that you moved out without telling your brother in law and haven't spoken to him since, it does sound a tad immature to me. The way you are reacting to your wife wanting to attend her brother's wedding is also an overreaction and seems unnecessarily full of drama.

Are you the kind of person that holds a grudge, finds it hard to let things go based on "principle"? It sounds as if I'm coming down on you hard, but I really think you need to take a step back and get some perspective here. You use words like "I don't think I can let this go" and I'm having a super hard time understanding why.
posted by JenThePro at 7:22 AM on May 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


Wow. What a sucky situation your brother-in-law has caused.

I think that if your wife had written into AskMe with her side of the question (my brother and my husband are feuding, my brother invited me to the wedding but specifically excluded my husband) our advice to her would have probably been to lean on her brother to get an invite for you, and if that's not possible, to stay home. Maybe she would have taken it, maybe she wouldn't have, but in terms of "right" and "wrong", I feel like she's kind of in the wrong for playing things how she is.

That being said, "right" and "wrong" doesn't really matter. What she does next weekend doesn't even really matter. What matters is how you (and her) will handle her family situation going forward. Understand that she is in a really bad position here. Even if she does think that her brother is a jerk (and oh my god he is... you did nothing wrong with the way you moved out), she still has other family members that she loves and probably doesn't want to be estranged from.

So, let her go with your love and your blessing. Maybe even send her with a nice card to give to BIL where you, personally, wish him the best of luck with his marriage and career. Have a fun weekend with your kids. When she gets home, you should probably consider couples therapy if you aren't in it already (if you are, call and make an appointment for after the wedding, STAT.) You need to figure out strategies so that your wife can continue to maintain relationships with her family and also with you. Hopefully in time, her family will be able to accept you as one of their own, but BIL's wedding is obviously not that time yet.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:23 AM on May 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


People may be missing that the brother in law is aggressive and violence prone. According to the linked thread the OP was afraid, and moved out without telling him for safety reasons.
posted by Omnomnom at 7:24 AM on May 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


"My 12-year-old heard us fighting and went into a full-blown anxiety attack." Well, there's some excellent motivation to desist commenting forevermore on your wife's decision to go to the jar-tosser's wedding.

My friend read some self-help book (thanks, friend! now I don't have to read a self-help book!) and then she taught me four questions to ask about every belief. Take "My wife chose her brother/family over me."
1. Is that true?
2. Can I prove it is true?
3. How does believing it make me feel?
4. Would I feel better if I believed something else?

You may not be able to answer 1., but does it matter? No, because the answer to 2. is "no," 3. "awful," and 4. "yes." You have the option to believe either something that makes you and your child and probably your wife anxious and unhappy or something that leaves all of you emotionally neutral at least and possibly sympathetic and more loving to one another. ("I don't know why she's going to this thing, but she probably has a good reason. Thank God I don't have to go and thank God we can leave our poor kid out of this.")
posted by Don Pepino at 7:34 AM on May 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


I do disagree with those who have said you were wrong to move out. I remember that question and commented at the time. Your BIL committed an act of violence and you had no reason to stay in a living situation with a person who committed an act of violence against you.

So, I can guess at how you must feel about your wife's favorable behavior towards a person who acted violently against you. Your BIL was in the wrong in that incident, without question. But, I think more harm than good is done by pressing this issue any further. Please let this go and let her go to the wedding without further incident. However, once this has all died down, I think you might want to have a talk with her about how her brother's violence affected you because it doesn't seem like she understands that very well.

And yes, absolutely get yourself out of your BIL's student loans.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:40 AM on May 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


It is REALLY HARD to be the person stuck in the middle of a rift between family of origin and the family one has made. Please cut her some slack, it seems like she is trying very hard to not make things worse.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:15 AM on May 15, 2015


Most people have addressed the wedding so I just say that I agree you should let her go and then both move forward with your life.

Regarding the loans, typically after 3-4 years on time payments the co-signer can be released. I'm assuming this much time has passed so get all the lender info and call them directly and ask if you can be released. Don even talk to your BIL about this, just do it. Having that much debt in your name can keep you from being qualified for loans you might need. And for the record, other than your kids , it's probably a good idea to stop co-signing loans. Do it this before he finds out or has a chance to consolidate which will set the clock back to zero if your remain a cosigner.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 8:26 AM on May 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


I agree with CosmicSeeker42 times a million. I read right over the fact that you co-signed his loans. So you're on the hook for whatever thousands of dollars he was able to borrow because of your kindness and still he picks a fight with you about dishes in the sink and allows it to escalate til he's throwing things. Then instead of prostrating himself on the ground at your feet he continues the cold shoulder for years. Has anyone reminded him that he didn't actually finish his residency--or pay for it himself or even borrow the money for it all by himself--and so therefore he has not earned and is not entitled to the surgeon's God complex he apparently has?

He's a nightmare and I'm extremely sorry for the person who is getting married to him and becoming the newest member of this family circus. I still think your wife must be allowed to handle her own family her own way. She grew up with this crap; she might have some vestigial internalized family rules about how one deals with... I'll call him MarkyMark. She's learned coping strategies for MarkyMark that are not ones anybody outside the family would use, but they're her defaults, so in times of stress, she might fall back on them sometimes. She's going to need understanding and support and gentle encouragement, not pressure. She has been immersed far more deeply in this revolting family for manymany years longer than you have. Be a respite for her. If you speak and act out of resentment, it will force her into a defensive corner, and then it might take her longer to see her brother for the sociopathic menace he obviously is and the family coping mechanisms for the mollycoddling idiocy they patently are.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:41 AM on May 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


My wife seems to think that not showing up at her brother's wedding will create a rift between her and her entire extended family.

That sounds like a very valid concern. I do think most families would react that way. A wedding is a big deal. Why don't you think that this would be a problem?

I don't think you were in the wrong for moving out without telling your brother-in-law, necessarily, although I do wonder whether getting angry and throwing something was a one time deal or whether that's part of a pattern of behavior. Because assuming he was severely stressed about something else (clearly something much more important than dishes), I can see forgiving a one time stupid fight involving shouting and throwing something. I definitely wouldn't cut off that person and never speak to them again for the rest of their lives based on it if they were family. If they have a pattern of verbal abuse and scary anger management issues, then yes, reasonable. His family may be blind to his problems because they love him. Regardless, I agree with the consensus that your wife should go to keep the peace. Although if I were her, I'd tell brother that she's there for the rest of the family and that he should not see this act as any tacit approval of his bad behavior towards you (for which it sounds like he still owes you a sincere apology, rather than continuing to hold a grudge).
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:16 AM on May 15, 2015


i was not on great terms with my dad when he got re-married. i wasn't going to go to his wedding. i was, i think, justifiably hurt by some things he had done and not done. he had acted disrespectfully towards me. i'm sure his recollection is opposite - that i had wronged him and was behaving selfishly. my brother ended up convincing (guilting) me into going. my stepmom still (not) playfully teases me about her disapproval for my haircut and dye job, convinced i did it to be a jerk (she's used harsher words to describe it). the wounds from those years aren't entirely mended.

...but. i'm glad i went. if i hadn't gone it would have rung a bell that might not be able to be unrung. it took some more years and a lot more distance, but our relationship is better. we hang out. it's nice. and even if we never got here, the unsteady peace that began at the wedding would have been enough, i think.

don't make this about you. this isn't about you. that doesn't mean she's not choosing you or not taking your side - it means that you're making this into a symbol about something it's not. you are allowed to have your boundaries, but extending them so far that you decide to cut your wife off from her family is not appropriate.
posted by nadawi at 12:23 PM on May 15, 2015 [8 favorites]


Nthing nadawi. You want this to be about you, but it's not about you and loving spouses support each other in many ways. This is one of them. Stand down, please, and with grace. Later you will be so very glad you did!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:44 PM on May 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Everything Don Pepino wrote is spot on, but I wanted to highlight this for you...

"She grew up with this crap; she might have some vestigial internalized family rules about how one deals with... I'll call him MarkyMark. She's learned coping strategies for MarkyMark that are not ones anybody outside the family would use, but they're her defaults, so in times of stress, she might fall back on them sometimes. She's going to need understanding and support and gentle encouragement, not pressure. She has been immersed far more deeply in this revolting family for many many years longer than you have. Be a respite for her. If you speak and act out of resentment, it will force her into a defensive corner, and then it might take her longer to see her brother for the sociopathic menace he obviously is and the family coping mechanisms for the mollycoddling idiocy they patently are."

The take-away is that her family is hugely dysfunctional. That's what you are dealing with. These people and their opinions - meh. They're sick people.

Sometimes it is really hard for survivors like your wife to get out of abusive relationships entirely, especially with family, because part of the growing up process is also an indoctrination process. She's habituated into their emotional abuse, she doesn't see it quite as clearly as you do. Be kind as she comes to see fully how unhealthy and toxic her family of origin really is. Usually grieving is involved in this realization. Be kind.

There are a lot of books and resources out there. Access them. And Jiminy Cricket, please please take the good advice and get yourself off of this guy's loans!
posted by jbenben at 1:42 PM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]



I feel resentful towards my wife that she's chosen her brother (and family) over me. She feels resentful towards me for "making her choose" between her spouse and her brother. My wife wants me to get over this; I feel like I can't.


She's isn't choosing her brother over you. She is going to a family wedding for a day, and she's coming home to you. It's not reasonable for you to ask her to cut off her family, even if they are assholes to you. That's a choice she has to make for herself, and she doesn't seem to want to make it. You don't have to get over her family's appalling behaviour, but don't make her choose between you. That's deeply unfair to her.

What is reasonable is for you to ask her to insulate you from them. They are hostile to you, and you should never have to deal with them. They are her family, so they are her problem. That's the conversation you need to have with her.

Bonus: During our fight this evening it came out that her family thinks I'm the one who did something wrong, by overreacting and moving out without telling him.

Who cares? What does your wife think?

Even more special snowflake: I'm trans. The incident happened shortly after I transitioned full-time. My wife's mother and father have been grudgingly supportive, but have apparently been telling her for the past couple of years that she should get a divorce.


Well, their opinions don't fucking matter. Only your wife's do. So how does she feel?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:17 AM on May 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


+1 vote on taking the high road. When in doubt, don't be the one to take the option of being a jerk.


Side note: most loans will allow co signer to remove himself once regular payments are made for x amount of time.
posted by Neekee at 8:29 AM on May 17, 2015


99% of the time, parents will assume, or work hard to convince themselves, that in a conflict situation their babies are right and outsider is wrong.
Heck, some parents could have witnessed otherwise but eventually will change their stories so that their kids are the poor innocent victims. They'd rather cut their own noses off than admit their kids are a-holes.

It sucks but there's nothing you can do but shrug it off.
posted by Neekee at 8:34 AM on May 17, 2015


I thought that made things simple, and that there was no way for anyone in our family to attend. But she didn't return the RSVP card declining.

It sounds like you assumed this rather than discussing it with your partner. Consider if this is an ongoing issue in your relationship and consider how you can do better in the future.

My wife says that she needs her family's support; that she feels very stressed out from issues we've had with the kids and that she needs the support of her mom and her aunt.

Even if you are feeling resentment about your wife going to this wedding, you can act in a caring way towards her. Maybe it will be helpful to think of this more as your wife going to visit relatives at a time when they will conveniently be all in one place with time already set aside for visiting that just happens to be this wedding -- she is not likely to be spending much time with her brother at the wedding anyhow.

I think the best thing you can do is to spend the time your wife is away connecting with your children, making sure that she will come back to a pleasant home that is nice to return to after being away, being glad that you aren't at a celebration for someone you don't like, and getting yourself into a good state of mine for welcoming your spouse home.
posted by yohko at 12:22 PM on May 18, 2015


Response by poster: So, an update. Since our fight on Thursday night (and my post here), my wife and I weren't able to talk because she was supervising the Girl Scout troop on a camping trip, and she was exhausted when she came back on Sunday. And there was much craziness on Monday.

Our conversations on Tuesday were normal dealing with a bunch of messes (both family and small business and otherwise). When we had a breather, I said, "...and you're going to the wedding on Saturday, right? I'm real sorry I got angry at you for that last week. I think you should go."

Her response was that she's not going, that apparently reservations had to be made for the rehearsal dinner at the start of the month. Not sure who's driving the bus there or if it's just a convenient excuse to save face that's being offered to me. Either way, I am genuinely sad for her.

I won't see her in-person until Saturday afternoon because of business. I'll bring flowers.

Oh, and as part of issues relating to other stuff, we have a session with a therapist to be scheduled Real Soon Now, to talk about family dynamics.

Thanks, everyone. On many levels, this thread was really helpful for me in sorting myself out. And for whatever it's worth, I'll also note that I posted the original question the night of our fight, and AskMe'ing while in that frame-of-mind leads to hyperbole that doesn't necessarily line up with feelings felt after sleeping on things.
posted by QuantumMeruit at 2:45 PM on May 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


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