[WeddingDramaFilter] My fiance wants his best friend, my ex, who may still be in love with me, in the wedding party. And it gets more complex from there. Help me figure it all out!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (36 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Some years ago, Ex and I had a fairly serious relationship. After it broke up, Fiance and he became close, and after that, I wound up getting involved with Fiance. (We all work in a relatively small field) This initially prompted some awkward conversations between Ex and Fiance, but it seemed to be resolved, with Ex wishing blessings upon us both, and saying that (other than himself) he couldn't think of anyone he'd rather me be with. Ex and Fiance have managed to maintain their friendship. Ex and I, however, while we're on relatively friendly terms, don't talk too much-Ex's Partner is particularly jealous of me, and it causes fights in their relationship when we talk. Fiance, I, (and Ex's partner, for that matter) both believe Ex to still be in love with me, though we differ on the degrees. It's not a problem in our relationship, though-Ex and Ex's Partner live far away.
Fiance says that Ex is one of his closest friends, and he would definitely want him in the wedding party. I'm having trouble voicing or clarifying opposition to this. Fiance asked me if I would feel emotionally uncomfortable if Ex were in the ceremony, and the answer is no. I really like Ex, and would love to have him (if genuine) celebrate our happiness. I'm not opposed to this on personal grounds, and have always said that I'd have no issues inviting exes in general to the wedding. But it's hard-But I'm worried about complicating drama.
1. It seems possibly a little unfair to Ex. One of the reasons that Ex broke up with me was financial-he felt he couldn't keep up his end or provide for me. Ultimately, with distance and time from the situation, I can tell that there are dozens of better reasons we never would have worked-but from conversations with Ex, it seems like he prefers to view it as finances, bad timing and his rotten luck that kept us apart. Thus, it feels a little bit like kicking the guy when he's down to force him to watch Fiance spend a ton of money on a wedding-kind of like, "Hey, want to come help me do this relationship better than you did, and marry the woman that you still kind of wish you could be with?" Also, Ex loves being the "strong,silent" type that might say yes just to be a good friend or to show it's fine, even when it's not.
2. Many of my friends strongly dislike Ex because of the circumstances of our breakup-including possibly at least one of the bridesmaids, who has cheerily said she would love to "watch him burn." While I doubt physical conflict would erupt, it still seems like a recipe for sadness.
3. Ex's Partner really hates me, occasionally tries to call or email me to talk about Ex inappropriately, and whenever we run into her, she makes really catty commentary. Normally it is just mildly frustrating, but I suspect that on the day of my wedding, I will really, really, not want to deal with it. Thus, I really don't want her at this wedding.
Fiance thinks it'll be totally fine-he thinks that Ex would completely understand being asked not to bring her and would happily do so. Fiance thinks she should be fine with it - after all, Ex will be there to watch me get married, which kind of discourages tawdry affairs. Fiance further suggested that maybe Ex would just not tell her about the wedding if it looked likely to cause trouble. (Ex has lies-of-omission issues when it comes to girlfriends and awkward subjects, which is one reason we're not together anymore) Fiance also suggests helpfully that maybe they'll break up by then! (They've been together for years now)
4. We are planning on an open bar. Ex is a heavy drinker. When Ex drinks, he gets somewhat talkative. I dread any kind of toast that might come out of his mouth. It is not impossible that he will say something about our previous relationship.
I think this plan is the worst house of cards I've ever heard of, and it's practically a recipe for having Ex's Partner, who delights in making scenes, show up at my wedding uninvited with an axe to grind. Or having Ex and Bridesmaid fighting. Or a host of other awful situations, some named above. But at the same time, I don't want to deprive Fiance of the support he needs. Also, we're inviting other exes we like far less, so it might be weird if he weren't there.
Please help me figure out how to deal with all this! I haven't set up a disposable email, but if anyone indicates their willingness to memail about it for further support, I will happily ping you from my account.