No seriously, do I reaaaaally have to go to this wedding?
posted by bookgirl18 to human relations (15 answers total)
Lately I seem to be using Metafilter for posts that involve personal drama. My thanks and apologies in advance. I will try to keep this as brief as possible. :)
Here's the (unfortunately) necessary backstory: Several years ago, I had an extremely brief, casual thing with a guy I'll call J, who started as a friend. It began with a drunken hookup, and we both gave actually dating a try after that, but it didn't quite work. I was feeling particularly lonely and working through my feelings over a recent breakup, but J was sweet and very persistent about giving things a try. One of these attempted dates was a big dinner party at which I was, well, his date. At said dinner party, we both met a girl whom I'll call K.
Soon after this party, the two of us had an awkward conversation where it became clear that, after about a month of casually seeing each other, it wasn't going any further. Not long after that, it got back to me that he had already started seeing K and seemed pretty into her. We had not agreed to be monogamous, so he had not done anything wrong. However, I will admit to feeling a tiny bit ... funny that I had found out about it secondhand? Weird that I didn't realize he basically made a move on K right after we all met? It was a pretty complicated and confusing time for me in general. Either way, I moved on pretty quickly - not worth staying upset about, to me.
However, as soon as they began dating, K has behaved pretty rudely to me. She demanded that J cut back on his contact with me and actually made very passive-aggressive comments to me in public about my clothes on multiple occasions (eg "Oh, bless your heart, is THAT what you're wearing? I wouldn't even know where to FIND something like that!" I'm a Southern girl ... I know passive-aggressive bitchery when I hear it. :)
I have done absolutely nothing to interfere in their relationship and have maintained calm in the face of perceived cattiness. Now, I am dating the most wonderful boy in the world, who (of course) is very good friends with J and was even his roommate for a period of time. (Tis a small incestuous circle I live in. I'm used to it.)
K has grown less and less rude, gradually, as it became clear that my BF and I are very serious and we have since moved to a different state together, but it's still pretty frosty. Now, the kicker: J and K are engaged (mazel tov!) and have invited both of us to their wedding.
My BF is a loving, loyal guy who wouldn't think twice about flying places (the Midwest, in this case -we are in the Northeast) for a wedding to be there for his friends. It's one of the things I like most about him. However, lately I have been putting myself out to go to weddings with him and his friends when, frankly, it has been very inconvenient and expensive for me, a stressed and poor new grad student. He gets so very upset at the thought of not having me with him at weddings and similar events that I have, up until now, given in.
However, the idea of shelling out to fly to the Midwest AND for a gift for this particular couple makes me feel ... annoyed. And overwhelmed. I already feel strapped for funds and time - we both are invited to a LOT of weddings, and I am trying to learn to set boundaries for myself, to prioritize the people and things that are most important in my new life as a student. (I have been to weddings of exes before ... not a problem. But usually I've been friends with the bride too!) It's the combination of inconvenience and awkward history, I think, that makes me hesitate.
Of course, one of those important people is my BF, whom I really do love and want to accommodate. He is already assuming that we are going, and I don't quite know how to say, "Honey, I am poor, and the bride hates my guts and is only inviting me because of you, so wouldn't it be better if you went solo to this one?" I know he would get pretty upset. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and endure the weekend without causing a fuss? My BF and I are a good team - I'm sure we can come to a reasonable arrangement.
Thanks so much for reading. :)