How do I pursue my career and not leave my husband in a depressive mess?
February 16, 2012 10:14 PM Subscribe
After 2 years in a crappy job, I finally have an opportunity for more work with another company! So excited! Problem 1: the work is 1000 miles away. Problem 2: I’m afraid if I leave for periods at a time my husband might fall into depression.
posted by feidr2 to human relations (10 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
The situation: I’ve been working on the side as an on-call environmental consultant. They haven’t had enough work to bring me on full-time, so I haven’t been able to leave my current full time job. I’ve had a few projects I can do on weekends/evenings, but the jobs have been few & far between (although I keep hearing that more work and a possible full-time position is “just around the corner”. )
But soon they will have “more work than people”, and they would love to have me help out. This is my opportunity to make more connections in the company, and gain more experience. I have really enjoyed working there so far, and have been impressed with the people I’ve worked with. There is enough work I could go part time in my current crappy job, and possibly leave it altogether. But as I mentioned, the work is far away – in another state. They would be willing to have me work for 7-10 days at a time, and would pay for my airfare & hotel. I could totally live this lifestyle for the short term. I could possibly even move into a full time position there! But I married and spouse is in school, so moving is not an option right now. He’s finishing soon, but finding work for him in his field in this new area would be unlikely.
So I could probably work for a week to a week and a half at a time, which I would be stoked about! But my husband has been having bouts of depression lately, and I’m afraid if I leave for these periods he’ll sink deeper and fall apart. Background: Mr. feidr2 is bipolar II, with a tendency towards depressive side of the spectrum. He’s been medicated for several years (yay Lamictal!), but still has these down periods where he has difficulty following through with tasks, is forgetful, has some self-hatred, and is somewhat agoraphobic. He’s in the final stages of his degree where he’s just finishing his thesis and no longer taking classes. He doesn’t have a vehicle, so he spends most of his day at home, with very limited social interactions, which drives him crazy. He’s tried therapy briefly a couple of times, and doesn’t want to try it again, despite my pleading. I give him tons of ideas for people to get together with, professors he should talk to about future jobs, etc., but during these depressive periods he never follows through with my suggestions (surprise surprise, you can’t get other people to do the things you want them to do unless they want to!)
So, while I would love to go away for some periods to work on the new potential job, I’m terrified of leaving husband, knowing he may not get any social interaction for days at a time. (But bonus, he’s getting a scooter, which may help him get out of the house more.) Obviously we need to have a big talk about this, but I’m afraid he’ll support my career to the detriment of his own mental health.
Question 1: to what degree should I pursue my goals, and let him try to take care of himself?
Question 2: I want to show the company that I really want to work more for them, but how do I convey that there are personal circumstances that limit the amount of time I can work for them? They understand I can’t move down there right now.