Managing a Depressed Couple
October 13, 2008 6:28 AM Subscribe
I need help helping my severely depressed boyfriend. Caveat: I am severely clinically depressed myself, and don't really know how to be the stable person in a relationship.
I am a 21 year old female college student with a pretty severe history of depression and anxiety. Fortunately, I've been getting actively dealing with this since fifth grade, so I'm pretty familiar with myself and my own depressive patterns to cope relatively well. However, I've recently become aware of the fact that my boyfriend is equally depressed, if not more so, and I could use some help in dealing with this.
Here's the situation: he's always been a bit more darkly emotional that past boyfriends, which I've attributed to a number of factors. For instance, he's enlisted in the military, and just came back from overseas last spring, so I feel he could be vaguely PTSD from that, his ex-wife divorced him right before he deployed, so he's still dealing with that, and due to house entanglements with his ex, he is currently unable to buy a new house, a situation that has been dragging on for the past few months and has him crashing at a fellow Marine's apartment for the time being. Because of all this, I've felt he had plenty of reason to be emotionally off, and have been trying to just be supportive, since all of these seem to be problems only time will deal with.
The past few weeks he has seemed to be in very bad shape, though. I'm now able to see that a lot of what he puts forward is a front, and he's been opening up to me a lot more. He's having some bad days, too, and just a few days ago he even freaked out and tried to break up with me because he "can't do it", was "meant to be alone" and I would "be better off without him" and he was "going to fuck it up anyways". Having had all of those same sentiments myself because of my own depression, I recognized what he was doing and flat out told him that I loved him for who he was and that I wasn't going to let him try and cut me off and that I didn't want him to be alone. He cried a lot, I cried a lot, and we had a good talk about everything and worked through it, and now things are doing better, but I know it's only a matter of time before things go south again, depression being what it is, and quite frankly, I'm not used to be the more emotionally stable half of a relationship and don't really know how to deal.
To sum it up, I could really use some advice and/or resources for helping him through this and handling it. A huge part of his problem is his sense of displacement, something that can't be fixed right away, and he's obviously got a lot of baggage from his divorce. My methods for dealing with my own depression don't help, because I absolutely can not be left alone to my own thoughts or I just get caught in a vicious downward spiral, whereas he gets claustrophobic and has to have some space whenever he's being depressed, something I have trouble giving him, as it's the last thing I'd want myself. He also won't consider counseling, or anything like that. I just don't really know what I can and should be doing to try and help him. I don't think he's suicidal, but he's been increasingly hopeless, defeatist, irritable, listless, and withdrawn, and having been down that road myself, I don't want him to end up in a bad place. I'm trying to just be there for him, but since he won't let himself reach out to me for help, and going to him just makes him feel smothered, I'm not sure how to find a balance.
A few random things: I will not be leaving him over this, please don't ask me to consider it. I live on-campus, so he can't live with me. He's not a student, he does security work out of town four days out of the week. He is still in the military. I am planning on asking my counselor for help about this, but my next appointment isn't for over a week, and given the actions of my boyfriend just the other day, I feel like this is a pressing concern. We are in the US.
Thanks for all the help, you can email me at depressioncanblowme@gmail.com.
I am a 21 year old female college student with a pretty severe history of depression and anxiety. Fortunately, I've been getting actively dealing with this since fifth grade, so I'm pretty familiar with myself and my own depressive patterns to cope relatively well. However, I've recently become aware of the fact that my boyfriend is equally depressed, if not more so, and I could use some help in dealing with this.
Here's the situation: he's always been a bit more darkly emotional that past boyfriends, which I've attributed to a number of factors. For instance, he's enlisted in the military, and just came back from overseas last spring, so I feel he could be vaguely PTSD from that, his ex-wife divorced him right before he deployed, so he's still dealing with that, and due to house entanglements with his ex, he is currently unable to buy a new house, a situation that has been dragging on for the past few months and has him crashing at a fellow Marine's apartment for the time being. Because of all this, I've felt he had plenty of reason to be emotionally off, and have been trying to just be supportive, since all of these seem to be problems only time will deal with.
The past few weeks he has seemed to be in very bad shape, though. I'm now able to see that a lot of what he puts forward is a front, and he's been opening up to me a lot more. He's having some bad days, too, and just a few days ago he even freaked out and tried to break up with me because he "can't do it", was "meant to be alone" and I would "be better off without him" and he was "going to fuck it up anyways". Having had all of those same sentiments myself because of my own depression, I recognized what he was doing and flat out told him that I loved him for who he was and that I wasn't going to let him try and cut me off and that I didn't want him to be alone. He cried a lot, I cried a lot, and we had a good talk about everything and worked through it, and now things are doing better, but I know it's only a matter of time before things go south again, depression being what it is, and quite frankly, I'm not used to be the more emotionally stable half of a relationship and don't really know how to deal.
To sum it up, I could really use some advice and/or resources for helping him through this and handling it. A huge part of his problem is his sense of displacement, something that can't be fixed right away, and he's obviously got a lot of baggage from his divorce. My methods for dealing with my own depression don't help, because I absolutely can not be left alone to my own thoughts or I just get caught in a vicious downward spiral, whereas he gets claustrophobic and has to have some space whenever he's being depressed, something I have trouble giving him, as it's the last thing I'd want myself. He also won't consider counseling, or anything like that. I just don't really know what I can and should be doing to try and help him. I don't think he's suicidal, but he's been increasingly hopeless, defeatist, irritable, listless, and withdrawn, and having been down that road myself, I don't want him to end up in a bad place. I'm trying to just be there for him, but since he won't let himself reach out to me for help, and going to him just makes him feel smothered, I'm not sure how to find a balance.
A few random things: I will not be leaving him over this, please don't ask me to consider it. I live on-campus, so he can't live with me. He's not a student, he does security work out of town four days out of the week. He is still in the military. I am planning on asking my counselor for help about this, but my next appointment isn't for over a week, and given the actions of my boyfriend just the other day, I feel like this is a pressing concern. We are in the US.
Thanks for all the help, you can email me at depressioncanblowme@gmail.com.
He tried to break up with you, you admit that he needs space when he's depressed....why don't you respect his wishes? Just a thought. "being there for him" sounds noble, and I'm sure you have the best intentions, but... well, I know that breaking up with my boyfriend in college when I was depressed was the best thing for me. It was hard enough working through my issues without having to worry about maintaining a relationship. (and frankly, there's enough red flags in your description of the relationship to put on a half-time show at Illinois State--jus' sayin')
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:35 AM on October 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:35 AM on October 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: So he's still active-duty? Has he looked at counseling and support group options for active-duty members and veterans? Vets go through trouble that can be beyond the ken of a counselor who doesn't have experience in PTSD-related areas.
Also, if he wants space when he's feeling down, for chrissake, give him space.
posted by Anonymous at 7:49 AM on October 13, 2008
Also, if he wants space when he's feeling down, for chrissake, give him space.
posted by Anonymous at 7:49 AM on October 13, 2008
Also want to say that when someone says they don't want counseling (a very common exhortation) they are basically saying they are not ready to accept real help. Just like with addiction, most severely depressed people have to reach a certain point where they see themselves as unable to cope and in need of help, regardless of what that entails. People limp along for years, ruining relationships and their own lives, convinced that deep down they know what's best for themselves, even though their thinking itself is what's fundamentally compromised.
The fact that he's opened up to you and is comfortable accepting help from you is important, but we see posts from people like him on AskMe all the time: "Life is falling apart, too depressed to move, therapy is not an option so don't suggest it." How can a sick person get well if they shut everyone out but the doctor? I wonder how many of these posters have wound up finding themselves in counseling later on anyway, once they've exhausted all other possibilities (as well as everyone they're close to).
Keep that in mind as you figure out what your own thresholds of tolerance are for his crisis.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 8:29 AM on October 13, 2008
The fact that he's opened up to you and is comfortable accepting help from you is important, but we see posts from people like him on AskMe all the time: "Life is falling apart, too depressed to move, therapy is not an option so don't suggest it." How can a sick person get well if they shut everyone out but the doctor? I wonder how many of these posters have wound up finding themselves in counseling later on anyway, once they've exhausted all other possibilities (as well as everyone they're close to).
Keep that in mind as you figure out what your own thresholds of tolerance are for his crisis.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 8:29 AM on October 13, 2008
a timeout would help you both figure your stuff out more calmly
posted by matteo at 9:10 AM on October 13, 2008
posted by matteo at 9:10 AM on October 13, 2008
I think [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] is right: you must "figure out what your own thresholds of tolerance are for his crisis."
I know you care for your boyfriend, both as a boyfriend and as a person. However, this does not mean you can sacrifice your own health for his, and you shouldn't feel obligated to do so. Take some of the suggestions offered here, but if they don't work, you need to be able to deal with that and to understand that you are not responsible for how he acts/reacts, and you can't "fix" this situation.
I am concerned that this might be (or become) a very codependent relationship. Two depressed people in a relationship is probably not a good thing, and your desire to act as "the strong one" when you're still clearly dealing with your own depression is something you should bring up with your own counselor, who can offer more insightful advice than we can. Good luck.
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:31 AM on October 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
I know you care for your boyfriend, both as a boyfriend and as a person. However, this does not mean you can sacrifice your own health for his, and you shouldn't feel obligated to do so. Take some of the suggestions offered here, but if they don't work, you need to be able to deal with that and to understand that you are not responsible for how he acts/reacts, and you can't "fix" this situation.
I am concerned that this might be (or become) a very codependent relationship. Two depressed people in a relationship is probably not a good thing, and your desire to act as "the strong one" when you're still clearly dealing with your own depression is something you should bring up with your own counselor, who can offer more insightful advice than we can. Good luck.
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:31 AM on October 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
This is a complex issue which cannot be resolved here, but I am sure you knew that already. I know the ugly, ever changing face of depression and anxiety all too well and there are no easy answers. Getting him to talk to some professional help is great advice, but of course this is easier said than done. Another option is couples therapy, as he may be willing to go and speak to someone with you. If he needs time and space, you should give it to him. However, find a way to stay in touch and let him know you care without coming across as controlling or overbearing. Depression is a serious illness and nobody should ever be left completely alone as that just spells trouble. Buddhism offers many amazing ways of dealing with issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, etc. You can read up on alot of these approaches without becoming a Buddhist. Many modern therapists are looking at eastern meditation and philosophies as a means of combating depression.
At the end of the day, the best you can do is be loving, supportive and understanding. The war against depression is won from the inside and he will have to learn to wrestle his demons and overcome them. There will come a point in your relationship with him where you are going to have to ask yourself some hard questions, the most important being whether he wants to work his way out of the darkness. As was mentioned earlier, most people go years before realizing they have to get help. Sometimes its too late, and other times its just in time. That's the tragedy of this disease.
posted by scarello at 11:50 AM on October 13, 2008
At the end of the day, the best you can do is be loving, supportive and understanding. The war against depression is won from the inside and he will have to learn to wrestle his demons and overcome them. There will come a point in your relationship with him where you are going to have to ask yourself some hard questions, the most important being whether he wants to work his way out of the darkness. As was mentioned earlier, most people go years before realizing they have to get help. Sometimes its too late, and other times its just in time. That's the tragedy of this disease.
posted by scarello at 11:50 AM on October 13, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
What if you started talking more about your own counseling? His impression of it might change if he sees it actively benefitting you. Perhaps after a little bit you could say, "My counselor thought it might help me if you came in and observed a session." Just get him in there to see how normal and natural the experience can be.
There's that expression that people apply to drowning: "Reach or throw, don't go." Whatever you do, if things get gnarly don't let yourself get pulled down the spout with him. You've worked far too hard to keep yourself steady, you can't afford to start all over again. If he knows this and that's why he keeps wanting to break up with you, try to consider letting him leave you. It may not be forever, and you may be able to offer steadier support as a friend than you can as a partner.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 7:12 AM on October 13, 2008 [1 favorite]