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ORAL SEX: Why can't I cum?
January 23, 2012 4:11 PM   Subscribe

Why can't I cum?

So my girl friend has been giving me hand jobs and blow jobs lately. She gets me super and super close to cumming but I never cum. I stopped masturbating since I met her, (4 months ago) and stopped the porn. I can't seem to cum.

Throw away email: cantseemtocum@gmail.com

Please help me!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Although many people will chime in with advice from a certain sex columnist, insisting this is about masturbation, the studies show there is a primary psychological component to this. I'd see a psychologist about this.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:12 PM on January 23, 2012


Why not see if you can manage on your own? If you still can manage on your own it's likely a psychological issue.
posted by jjmoney at 4:15 PM on January 23, 2012


Can you orgasm during vaginal (or anal) intercourse, or is it just hand and head jobs that you're having trouble with? Has this ever happened before?

Oh, I'm assuming your a man.... But these questions are pertinent even if you're not.
posted by taff at 4:17 PM on January 23, 2012


It's probably the same as not being able to pee if someone is standing beside you. Can you still have orgasm during intercourse?
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:18 PM on January 23, 2012


It could be medication. It's a common side effect with some anti-depressants.

Anyway, you haven't masturbated even once in four months? Try that. If you physically cannot reach orgasm in any way, visit a doctor.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 4:20 PM on January 23, 2012


You might be anxious about the inevitable result of your orgasm, which is firing jizz all over the place (or oozing it enthusiastically - whatever), and worried that it might disgust or amuse her. I would try masturbating to orgasm in front of your girlfriend. Or, y'know, maybe you could try it?
posted by tumid dahlia at 4:25 PM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Well, not everyone gets off on everything. Try masturbating or viewing porn again as some people require that extra stimulation (although I understand if you don't want to because of your girlfriend, so each to their own.)

Questions for you - do you come at all? When do you come (positions wise)? If it's just not during oral sex/handjobs, how big a problem is that really for the two of you? I understand if it is a big deal (hence the question) but there are a plethora of other things you two can do to get off. Trying them all is fun!
posted by mleigh at 4:29 PM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


It might be you simply just cant. I know more than one guy who has never and likely will never orgasm from oral, just... cause.

As for hand job,s I assume she's using lube?
posted by Jacen at 4:58 PM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Some of the best head I've gotten in my life -- the blowjobs that made me feel the best as they were happening -- for whatever reason and whatever nerve endings they were working in whatever ways -- couldn't get me to orgasm. Sometimes they just felt too good. (I can't explain this.) And some of the "worst" got me off very quickly because something about the technique hit 'the line between close and cumming' better than the best ones. (I can't really explain this either, but for some reason, it makes more sense.)

It may just be that your girlfriend's current technique and the current way your dick responds aren't completely compatible for crossing this line. This isn't a slam on her technique or your dick - it's just the way you are both doing it/wired for it.

So you've got one of two, maybe three, courses of action.

1) work with your girlfriend to change her technique to fit your current wiring. This involves communication, re-learning (probably of something you are pretty happy with her doing anyway, it seems, or you would have mentioned it), and also can come off as blaming her -- which I'm sure you don't want to do -- especially since it isn't "her fault."
2) Fix your wiring, which could be even harder than #1, but most of the realistic ways of doing so are listed already. There may be something abnormal about your levels or your psyche. But I personally wouldn't put a ton of pressure in either if you are as into sex and specifically into sex with this woman as you seem.

#1 and #2 are basically the same thing. #1 is, I think, easier because it is a clear action but more difficult because it could be a potential minefield. But it could also be the most fun -- practice making perfect and all. #2 is harder to do because 'how you respond' isn't necessarily as easy to change as 'how you do something.'

So I'd suggest:

3) Focus on the journey, not the end. Stop pressuring yourself to orgasm 'only' with her mouth or hands and enjoy the ride until you're ready to shoot -- then take care of business, not as a consolation prize but as the desired finish line. Reliving this pressure will be less frustrating for you both (which will likely make it easier for you to cum) but also will most likely take care of #1 and/or #2 along the way -- without any of the uncomfortable conversations and (even remotely appearing to) assign blame.

(Even though your talk about oral and hand jobs, I focused more on the oral because of your subject line. But advice for #3 is even better for anything manual. Take it from somebody who has had the pleasure of jacking off with guys who can do the same to themselves -- even if you're not taking notes, watching somebody do it to themselves teaches you valuable lessons what works for them, and this is a way to communicate this to your girlfriend without seeming like a pushy dick. (pun intended)

Good luck. Not at all to belittle your question AT ALL, and I'm sure you realize this already, but there are far worse problems to have :)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:06 PM on January 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


Maybe she forgot to play with your taint.
posted by roger ackroyd at 5:27 PM on January 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I have never orgasmed from a hand job, though they are a wonderful part of foreplay. And I've only come a few times from oral, though it also is wonderful. I can get myself off easily and penetrative sex works great; oral and hand jobs just aren't things that make me come. The few times I came from oral alone, it was a combination of a person with amazing, out-of-this-world technique and my being incredibly sexually frustrated. Outside of those situations, it's something that rocks my world but the orgasm is going to arrive otherwise.

Not everyone comes from the same things, and it's more than ok to enjoy something sexually and not come from it. Or mix things up -- she can give you oral, then you take over with your hand while she snuggles and kisses you, for example; she can start using her mouth again when you are about to come if you guys want to finish that way, or not if that isn't appealing. Sex isn't either/or; it's best when you treat it like a tapas restaurant and have a bit of this and a bit of that, until everyone is satisfied.
posted by Forktine at 5:49 PM on January 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Medication, stress, and are you using recreational drugs? Cocaine will cause this problem... also being overweight can cause erectile difficulties.
posted by devymetal at 6:33 PM on January 23, 2012


lately

More patience, more practice.
posted by flabdablet at 7:01 PM on January 23, 2012


Oh, and less "this isn't going anywhere, this doesn't feel right" self-talk. Focus on being in the moment, not on what you would like to happen a few minutes into the future.
posted by flabdablet at 7:04 PM on January 23, 2012


Enjoy what is happening don't worry so much about cumming. I'm not a huge expert in the area, but in my time have met more than one guy that had the same problem. It was never a big deal and I either let them finish themselves or we found some other way to seal the deal after they had really enjoyed what was happening. One of them said he was always self conscious about semen making a mess as apparently one of his earlier girlfriends complained about it.

Some guys enjoy them but just don't come. If you are cumming from other methods it's not a big deal as long as you are enjoying it and hey your gf doesn't get stuck with that whole awkward spit or swallow or OMG it's in my eye problem.
posted by wwax at 7:47 PM on January 23, 2012


Try masturbating without her once--how does that go? As others have said, it might just be that you are anxious with her there.

You could also, just for fun, suggest she blindfold you and see if that makes a difference.

If you can't cum by yourself either, head to your doctor and tell him/her what's going on. I know it's embarrassing, but believe me they hear this stuff all the time!

And if it turns out you can cum just fine in other ways, you don't HAVE to get there from a hand job or oral sex, you know. It's not like there's a rule. Do what feels best to you, and help teach your girlfriend what that is. And be sure to reciprocate, of course.

In fact, you might find mutual masturbation or 69 works for you; seeing her get off might just be what pushes you over the edge.
posted by misha at 8:32 PM on January 23, 2012


A lot of folks seem to feel that this can be a matter of focus and mindfulness. Are you thinking about other things, or are you thinking about what's at hand? Because if you are thinking about other things, that can interfere with getting off.
posted by kalessin at 4:48 AM on January 24, 2012


A lot of guys have problems coming from BJs when they worry about the comfort/safety of the (wonderful, wonderful) giver.

I essentially have to be convinced that my partner deeply enjoys it, and is, um, er, ably-suited to the task, before I can relax and take the time that the essential build-up requires. One exception is if I can keep my mind thoroughly occupied, so I don't worry about her - 69 is great for this!!!

Otherwise, oral sex remains a foreplay item for me.

OTOH(J), some women seem to naturally "get" what I want in HJs, and others have a different rhythm, and when I get really excited lucid conversation isn't my strong point... so I can have problems passively coming from a HJ, as well.

YMMV, but there's my POV on them.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:24 AM on January 24, 2012


hand jobs and blow jobs... super close to cumming but I never cum ...since I met her (4 months ago)...

I've had the same "problem" with almost every woman I've been serious with: until they know me better or we become more comfortable enough, they're unable to bring me to orgasm with oral alone (or, if you prefer, it's me who is unable to achieve it so easily, take your pick.)

But it's never really worried me, and we always have figured it out eventually (with partners who care enough to, you know, try, anyway) once we know each others' bodies well enough. And after that, it becomes easier and easier. I think with due care and attention, she will eventually learn your details and intricacies, and find your magic buttons, even if you yourself are unaware of them.

4 months doesn't seem ridiculous to me. Heck, it's often taken months of "practice" until it was a simple thing, in my experience.

Pro-tip: months of practice can be fun in itself. Relax and enjoy, and stop thinking of it as some kind of problem.
posted by rokusan at 8:46 AM on January 24, 2012


Also, if she's amenable: the next time you're "super close", consider taking a nice firm hold of her and "using" her to help yourself get off. That might get you over the mental hurdle.

(No, this is not for everyone, and it's definitely not for the shy or delicate. So talk about it first, don't ambush her. But it's worth a try: some women enjoy this very very much.)
posted by rokusan at 8:47 AM on January 24, 2012


Going 4 months without a proper release based on some bizarre idea that you have to forego jerking off because you have a girlfriend now is all kinds of fucked up. Terrible for your prostate and wasting many, many nice orgasms. For the love of Christ, beat off. It'll at least let you know that the plumbing works.

What you're experiencing is also incredibly common among gay men- in fact it's our most prominent form of sexual dysfunction, even moreso than impotence (I can't remember where I read that, but did, because for the first couple of years I was sexually active I could not come in front of a partner). You get over it, but in the meantime- I repeat- JERK IT.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 10:04 AM on January 24, 2012


Orgasm and ejaculation are separate things. The two commonly -- not always -- coincide. It sounds like you haven't been ejaculating lately. Is it possible you're having orgasm that you wouldn't necessarily label that way? Pleasure and bodily sensation rising to a peak then rapidly falling off with a positive, satisfied feeling? (For example; people's descriptions do vary of course) This is not a deficient orgasm! Orgasm without ejaculation usually has less refractory time, making it easier to experience multi-orgasm. Or experience one's own orgasm while staying erect enough for intercourse.

Whether this describe your particular experience or not, it's good to be aware that not ejaculating can be seen as a darned sexy thing. For you, her, or both. Prolonging sexy fun time! Experimenting with more intense sensations without anxiety that you'll immediately pop off! Exploring kinks that involve orgasm control! Prolonged mutual arousal as a sacred practice! Whatever possibilities you choose to see. Your mind is in charge of regarding your body responses as weird, or awesome.

By the way, masturbation increases our capacity to orgasm. Go for it.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 12:45 PM on January 24, 2012


I didn't want to risk derail so I didn't say what nakedcodemonkey just said above, but I agree with it. In fact, not ejaculating is an active goal in many forms of sexual practice, like Taoism, so maybe you're achieving something good, if you can come around to appreciating it.

Yes? No?
posted by kalessin at 1:38 PM on January 24, 2012


Picture warmth and relaxation during the act. The nervous system is wired inside-out from how you expect.
posted by ead at 9:51 PM on January 24, 2012


MCMikeNamara hit it on the head. Live in the moment, dude....

I'm a 33 year old gay male who was anorgasmic for YEARS. Couldn't get off other than masturbation. Then it went backwards; I couldn't orgasm without intercourse, then BJ's, then handjobs. Trick is to learn to relax (ME? RELAX??)

Got any sensitive spots? I had to learn mine (pretty few, actually.)

Try starting off slow. Foreplay? Touch?

Oh....stop focusing so much.

Good luck
posted by BeastMan78 at 8:27 PM on January 28, 2012


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