Sexual ethics: the giving of blowjobs

March 31, 2011 5:03 PM

I'm a woman in a longterm committed relationship, and I love sex. Over the years, I've started to feel that I don't get anything out of giving my partner blowjobs, and the unfairness bothers me. Yet not being excited by giving it or wanting to give one also makes me feel guilty, like I'm not being a good partner or being the stereotypical woman who hates blowjobs, which frustrates me.

I'm increasingly annoyed by the expectation that a good female sexual partner will happily and excitedly give blowjobs. I once read a book (admittedly three weeks after I first started having a sex life) where a man advised female readers that blowjobs were the key to satisfying men and keeping them sexually interested in a relationship, moreso than penetrative sex.

I love sex but I'm not really excited by having oral sex performed on me, but I love penetrative sex. But giving blowjobs is boring and while my partner loves it, it hurts my jaw, is boring as hell, and if I finish him, I don't get penetrative sex, which is deeply frustrating.

We generally have to use a condom because I had a blood clot form due to using hormonal birth control (which also made me gain weight and get migraines regularly) a few years ago and it was a truly traumatizing experience. Using the condom means I can't give him a blow job at any point other than at the beginning of sex and we can only have sex if I don't end up finishing him off.

What really frustrates me is that I feel deeply pressured to finish him off. It seems wrong, like I'm teasing him to get penetrative sex or not satisfying him as much as I could be. It makes me feel selfish and feeling selfish makes me feel like I'm being a bad partner.

We tried 69-ing, which was great for me (pretty much the only times I enjoy oral sex), but he doesn't like blowjobs that are upside down. So I pretty much am stuck down there, not getting aroused.

I've been worrying that he prefers blowjobs to penetrative sex, and while he claims he doesn't (he gets the sense that I don't like giving blowjobs, but I'm not sure he realized that I don't like it because it leaves me sexually frustrated and it's a lot of work for no reward until I explained it to him---not sure why else he would think I would not like it), a lot of what I see (including answers on AskMetafilter) suggests that many men prefer blowjobs over penetrative sex and would be happy if their sex life only consisted of blowjobs.

He says he doesn't mind not getting any blowjobs because he knows I don't like giving them. Yet I'm bothered by feeling selfish, feeling truly bored by blowjobs, feeling like a bad sex partner, and frustrated by feeling frustrated when I do give him one and am left with not getting anything.

I don't want to use sex aids or toys and am not at all interested in incorporating them into our sex life or using one on my own. He is also not at all interested in that kind of thing.

I've explored the idea of giving one when I don't feel like I need sex, but when I do give one, I inevitability get aroused by doing it, then wanting penetrative sex and ending up in the same frustrated predicament.

How do I get past this? (I wish I could be one of those girls who claims to love giving blowjobs and is just happy and excited to give them and so selfless, but if I'm honest with myself, I just can't be excited about something so boring and unrewarding. Also, I've tried to talk to him about this but he worries so much about pressuring me and being the kind of guy that makes sexual demands that he doesn't know how to talk openly and honestly about sex that the only time he talks about sex is when he's actually in the midst of having sex.) Is it okay to not finish him off so I can get what I want? Should I take him for his word when he says I shouldn't do anything I don't want to or just chalk it up to a minor inconvenience and selflessly give it to make him feel good because I love him and shouldn't be selfish? Can I learn to like giving blowjobs even though if I give him a great one that it only results in my not getting anything but sexually frustrated?

posted by anonymous to human relations (34 answers total)

What about (sometimes) starting with a blowjob for a while, but then switching to penetrative sex before he comes? Would he not like that? He would get the sensation of a blowjob but you wouldn't have to do it for as long, and you would both get to have sex.
posted by amro at 5:10 PM on March 31, 2011

What really frustrates me is that I feel deeply pressured to finish him off.

Does your partner pressure you, or is this in your head?

Because as a straight guy who likes sex and blowjobs, I general consider the BJ to be part of the foreplay. A blowjob to finish is a special occasion, and not something I always want (since I don't get to have sex after).

If a girl finishes me off with a BJ, I assume that means she doesn't want sex that night.
posted by auto-correct at 5:11 PM on March 31, 2011 [20 favorites]

Hm, I'm not sure I agree with the results from your "study" of preferences.

But going back to the facts of the matter: He claims that he's ok whether you do this or not. You believe he's not being forthright.

First, stop asking him how he feels about this. That'll just further indicate you don't want to do this and make it more awkward for all.

Next, why not reduce the frequency? While the frequency of this isn't stated, it seems like this is happening all the time. Perhaps taper this to once a month. Set the expectation low "Hey I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm going to have TMJ as a result if I do", but then once in a while do it. Or reserve it for "that time of the month"?

As another commenter above indicates, the "deeply pressured to finish him off" part is the most troubling. Where is this pressure?
posted by veryblue1 at 5:21 PM on March 31, 2011

How about penetrative sex until you're happy and then oral for him on occasion? Is there anything else he could do to reciprocate aside from intercourse that wouldn't leave you feeling frustrated?
posted by skewed at 5:31 PM on March 31, 2011

Also, I've tried to talk to him about this but he worries so much about pressuring me and being the kind of guy that makes sexual demands that he doesn't know how to talk openly and honestly about sex that the only time he talks about sex is when he's actually in the midst of having sex.

The kind of guy that "worries about pressuring you" and doesn't want to make "sexual demands" does not sound like the kind of guy who is unwilling to talk about sex, or is unwilling to learn how to talk about sex outside of the bedroom. Honestly, I don't see a way that you can solve this problem that doesn't involve some talking with each other. That's what you've got to work on first.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:34 PM on March 31, 2011

How do you feel about manual sex? I've had more than one partner who could do amazing, earth-shattering things to me with just their hands.

If you want penetration and rule out toys and cock (via BJ), you're pretty much left with fingers.

I'm wondering how much of your arousal is tied to his enjoyment? Maybe that's why 69ing works for you while being the sole focus of oral isn't something you enjoy. Just something to think on. If you can find a way to stimulate him while he goes down on you, maybe that could help.
posted by mollymayhem at 5:36 PM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Are there no other options for pleasing you without penis-in-vagina sex? If you don't enjoy oral sex generally, what about getting a fantastic toy that you like (vibrators with dolphins or rabbits on the shaft are well-regarded for a reason)? You blow him to completion, he pleases you with the toy.

Besides feeling like you're both getting what you want, it adds variety to the sexual relationship that's helpful.
posted by fatbird at 5:36 PM on March 31, 2011

fatbird - She mentioned not wanting toys.

Try separating blowjobs and penetrative sex. ne of your problems might be you're pitting them against each other in your head. The 'one or the other' attitude is limiting you. You can do them at different times. Admittedly, it's not always the best solution since it is arousing, but if you separate the two you can each take turns going first in getting off.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:40 PM on March 31, 2011

You probably need to unpack where the idea comes from that there's pressure to let him finish in your mouth every time you give a blowjob. I think that would be key to sorting this one out, and I'm willing to bet that he doesn't see it that way.

Anyway.

Sucking cock is a worthwhile thing to do, for those who are willing and able and have a partner with a cock who likes having it sucked. But the thing is, the number of people who enjoy the act of sucking cock isn't quite the same as the number of people who enjoy the effect of it. Actually having a dick in your mouth is fun for some folks but a lot of others (who still do it) don't get anything out of the physical act: the pleasure is one-sided, your jaw starts to hurt before long, and a lot of men don't quite seem to realize that their dicks sometimes sort of smell if you catch them between the end of their work day and a shower.

So it goes.

For those people, what they get out of it is what it does to their partner. You say you get aroused while doing it - well, there you go. That it isn't physically gratifying doesn't mean it's not hot.

So, I don't know. Talk to the guy. Communicate, and maybe figure out what works for you and in what ways you can be stimulated that don't involve PIV sex. Take some time to fool about with each other and get to know your partners' bodies and your own. If you get away from viewing PIV sex as the necessary main course to any sexual activity then your options suddenly open up a lot.

Do you enjoy being manually stimulated? Try lying with your upper body over his thighs when performing oral, such that you're on your side and facing him; this gives him access to you as well, so you can get pleasure as well. One thing to try. There are others but communication needs to happen.

Honestly it sounds like you're gonna be fine, he just needs to be communicative and you need to be up front with him about how you're feeling.

Good luck!
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 5:42 PM on March 31, 2011 [4 favorites]

Is it okay to not finish him off so I can get what I want?

Usually, yes.

I'm a guy who (usually) takes a long time to come from a blowjob. So, I'm quite happy experiencing the totally unique sensations of a blowjob for a while, then swapping out to the old vagpen sex.

And, while I do love coming from a blowjob, most of the pleasure of getting head comes from the unique sensations. The orgasm itself feels like any other. If I get a bit of the unique sensation, then I'm perfectly happy to throw it between the lower lips.

But, you know, ask him.
posted by Netzapper at 5:47 PM on March 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Man, I sort of wish I could answer this anonymously, because I'm about to sound like Xaviera Hollander here.

Start with him on his back, you kneeling between his thighs. Begin oral maneuvers. As you and he get excited, and you think he may be coming before you want him to:... just about where the penis meets the balls is a magical button area. Press firmly, but not hard with your thumb on that spot, while circling his cock with your hand. It's a pretty easy transition from fellatio position to woman on top, bolt the handlebars to the headboard and ride, ride, ride...and there ya go. Everybody is happy. Whee!
posted by dejah420 at 6:05 PM on March 31, 2011

one of those girls who claims to love giving blowjobs and is just happy and excited to give them

This is me. I love giving blowjobs (and handjobs) to my boyfriend. I love touching his penis, looking at it (and see it jumps up at my attention), teasing it...it's fun for the both of us. It doesn't always end in orgasm, in fact it could just be a few kisses and a bit of sucking and stroking with my hand. Maybe that's not counted as a blowjob by most, but the important thing is we both enjoy it and he never pressures me to go any further than I want.

I love his entire body, and it just so happens that touching his penis gives him great pleasure so I spend a lot of time on his bits. It certainly doesn't feel like a job to me, just like kissing and caressing the rest of his body isn't. It's a pleasurable and intimate act.

Some silly things I like to do with his penis:
- poke at it gently when it's soft
- while he's on his back and it's resting on his stomach, lift it up and let it drop
- press it down while he tries to make it jump
YMMV but my boyfriend is delighted that I have so much fun with it. I never get bored having my face near his penis.

Perhaps instead of a full start-to-finish blowjob, try to play around with the penis, observe how it reacts to what you do. What happens when you kiss this one spot, massage his balls, or lick his shaft a certain way? If you're not against porn (performed by two people who loves each other), then check out Camille Crimson's site The Art of Blowjob. This particular trailer is called "Playful Blowjob" (NSFW).
posted by lucia_engel at 6:30 PM on March 31, 2011 [16 favorites]

Good god, that sounds like a lot of un-fun pressure you're putting on yourself. You don't have to give a long, boring, that's-all-you-get-tonight blow job every damn time (or ever, if you don't enjoy it). I don't see why using it as foreplay wouldn't work. There's being a giving partner and making the effort, and then there's this. Plus, making the assumption that your partner necessarily fits into the little box for men who like blow jobs most of all and will go elsewhere if they can't get it at home (!?) isn't really fair to him. You two need to talk.

Also, for what it's worth, are you sure he wouldn't rather you switch to penetrative sex after while? I could imagine him trying to show his appreciation for the effort you're putting in by not stopping you, even if he'd be at least as happy doing something else for a while. Maybe he's afraid you'd take it as an insult or start to wonder that you're doing something wrong. Maybe you two are not communicating.
posted by you're a kitty! at 6:37 PM on March 31, 2011 [4 favorites]

Should I take him for his word when he says I shouldn't do anything I don't want to...?

Yes!

What really frustrates me is that I feel deeply pressured to finish him off. It seems wrong, like I'm teasing him to get penetrative sex or not satisfying him as much as I could be.

You should not feel pressured to do things you dislike in bed for fear of not being perceived as a good, happy, giving, and pleasing partner. Since you say he's not the one pressuring you to feel this way, I would start by trying to dismantle whatever messages you've received that being a willing and excited blowjob queen is something that men require to stay sexually interested and satisfied. I know that's easier said than done!

You appear to be under the mistaken impression that blowjobs should be performed until he comes or else it's just a big selfish tease? The broadly-mainstream idea of oral is basically that oral-is-foreplay-to-penetrative-sex, and that oral-to-orgasm on a man during a long-term relationship is a special-occasion or a in-lieu-of-penetrative-sex thing. I would say it's resoundingly normal to perform oral on him for a few minutes and then proceed to the penetrative sex and that oral is the bonus in this case (certainly not expected "to orgasm" since then he probably won't be up for penetrative sex, and certainly not expected every time you have sex).

Over the years, I've started to feel that I don't get anything out of giving my partner blowjobs, and the unfairness bothers me... I'm increasingly annoyed by the expectation that a good female sexual partner will happily and excitedly give blowjobs... I love sex but I'm not really excited by having oral sex performed on me, but I love penetrative sex. But giving blowjobs is boring and while my partner loves it, it hurts my jaw, is boring as hell, and if I finish him, I don't get penetrative sex, which is deeply frustrating... I wish I could be one of those girls who claims to love giving blowjobs and is just happy and excited to give them and so selfless, but if I'm honest with myself, I just can't be excited about something so boring and unrewarding.

It's totally okay to feel this way, and yes, you're far from the only woman who feels this way. It's not rewarding to you! It hurts your jaw! It's boring! You feel pressured to stick with the act the whole way through until he comes and then, after all that work, you don't get to have the enjoyable hot penis-in-vagina sex which you totally dig! Please, this sounds so totally rational to me as you explain it, that I feel bad listening to you put yourself down here because you equate your rationality to selfishness.

Sex is about both of you, not about what you as a woman should do to please your man. If you don't enjoy doing it and you've made that clear, I can't see how he as a good partner to you can really, truly enjoy receiving it knowing that you don't enjoy doing it. Mutual enjoyment is so much more fulfilling and satisfying and... well, let's be honest here: HEALTHY. It sounds like it's either you feeling selfish for not performing something he's already said he's okay with not receiving, or him feeling selfish that his partner is spending sexytimes doing something she doesn't like because she feels she has to - instead of doing something you both enjoy and can experience excitedly together?

I'm wondering if you're implying here that because of the condom use he doesn't orgasm from penetrative sex? You can have sex, and then he can take off the condom and masturbate to finish (with you holding him while he does it, and/or him coming on your body if you're down with that). You can masturbate him as well, or cup his balls with your hand while he jerks off. Also I'm wondering how do you orgasm if you're not excited about him performing oral on you and you're not using sex toys (vibrator)? I hope you are making sure you have the opportunity to come however you orgasm as often as YOU want - as much time as you are spending making sure HE comes.

A good sexual relationship requires communication. It really sounds like you both need to communicate more. You're not being fair to him or yourself with your assumptions here! If you truly want to "learn to like giving blowjobs" I think the first thing you need to feel is that you're performing oral on him because YOU want to do it and it stops when YOU want to stop, with no pressure or worry that you NEED to be doing it or else X, Y, Z negative things result. You're not going to feel that way without knowing and trusting where he stands on that issue - knowing and trusting that he means it when he says he's fine if you don't do it. And you're not going to feel that way if you're not getting what you want out of your sexual relationship, I can guarantee, so you need to start talking with him, and start looking out for your own satisfaction, more than you have been.
posted by flex at 7:11 PM on March 31, 2011 [6 favorites]

The detail about the use of condoms struck me as probably relevant. When a previous partner had to use condoms when my tolerance of the pill subsided, there was real pressure to provide him with oral sex rather than PiV. There was a significant shift in sexual relations and pressure to 'finish him off' rather than move to penetrative sex which would have meant a slight hiatus of energy to put on a condom. So I hear you on that, and that giving oral sex makes one keen for PiV sex.

We found a variety of ways to deal. Mainly with PiV sex after an oral/fingers orgasm for me, then the BJ to finish. Bonus: you're not going to create sore jaw at that stage of sex, a 'quick finish' is easier to achieve Con: penis tastes average after condom wearing, so a little clean up helps before BJ.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:35 PM on March 31, 2011

A blowjob to finish is a special occasion

I'll go off the party line and say that this could not be me (a special occasion? Seriously?). I'm one of those guys that prefers a blowjob to intercourse (though I enjoy both). But that's why certain people click and certain people don't, right?

But I think you're overcomplicated this. Giving him a blowjob excites you (which doesn't really make sense with the rest of your question - 'its boring' - but whatever), and he says not finishing him doesn't bother him. Take him for his word. I promise if he's not being completely truthful you'll find out eventually.
posted by ratherbethedevil at 8:30 PM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Have you tried other forms of birth control, like diaphragms or cervical cap or whatever? (I haven't needed any in quite a long time and don't have daughters so I don't know what non-hormonal methods are out there now.) Has he considered getting a vasectomy? A different method could change the whole dynamic.
posted by mareli at 8:38 PM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I strongly recommend that you get one of the books on sex and intimacy by David Schnarch. This is the one that I read but others might fit you better. His premise (and I agree) is that really good sex requires both good communication and enough trust in your partner that you are willing to take some risks.

What would happen if you told him "I'm going to believe when you say you don't care. If you do care or if you prefer a bj but are willing to flexible, you need to tell me because if you say you don't care and I prefer not to do it then I won't. If you do have a preference, then I want to take that into consideration." What would be like you didn't have to be a mind-reader - you could trust that he what he told you was his truth at that moment?

What would be like if you dared to be honest enough to say "I'm not that into doing a long bj but also don't want to disappoint you sexually?"

What would happen if he said, "I love having sex with you but doesn't need it to be great each and every time. Let's experiment and maybe we can find new things to make our sex life more fun - even if it means sometimes we try things that don't work for one or both of us"? Would you up for some experimenting? Would you able to tell him honestly what you thought of the experiments?

It takes a lot of maturity to be able to have this kind of relationship but you can figure it out, it will give you the foundation for a partnership that will last for decades.
posted by metahawk at 9:45 PM on March 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

From the OP:

He orgasms fine when we're using condoms. The reason I don't want to go back and forth from blowjob to condom is because we prefer to use the one with the spermicidal lubricant which tastes disgusting and horrible in my mouth, even after we've washed him. It literally is like bleach on my tongue. Washing immediately with soap does not help. Also, we're really fond of this particular brand and type of condom. He has no problem getting hard and staying hard.

I just know he really loves blowjobs and wants me to keep going usually for a really long time, which is frustrating because I'm getting excited and want to get a release. But he encourages me to continue by giving me all kinds of positive encouraging feedback and obviously any rational woman responds to positive encouragement by doing it more.

Idon't know why it's confusing to anyone, but it's one thing to get aroused and then not get any release. I thought I was clear on that. Getting aroused and just stewing in a state of arousal knowing you won't get any release is deeply frustrating, so I don't know why anyone would think just getting aroused or excited is enough of its own reward. It can be deeply frustating.

Also, re mini pills and cervical caps: I'm not changing my birth control method. That isn't the issue other than the terrible taste and killing off of taste buds that spermicidal lubricant feels like it's causing.

To the person who suggested him fingering me while I give blowjobs: not possible. He doesn't like upside down blowjobs and when my head is down there, he can't reach all the way down and finger me. He's a tall guy and I'm of average height for a woman. We've tried and it doesn't work.

To the user who recommended I play and poke his penis: I don't dislike his penis just because I don't want to suck on it for ten minutes. I used to play and poke and that kind of stuff until I realized that a) he feels sensitive (rightly) about that and that b) I personally would not want someone just playing and poking at my vagina with childish curiosity. It's not very respectful or sexual to treat his penis like a sleeping pet. It also seems sort of molester-y.

To flex: Thank you. God, I fucking hate Liz Phair for this. I want to like it, but I'm not the kind of girl who can pretend she looooooves stuffing her face with a cock so she can manipulate a guy into thinking she's hot or a real catch. I'm exhausted.

posted by mathowie at 10:12 PM on March 31, 2011

It's one thing to occasionally be game to do something your spouse likes but you don't as a loving favor. It's another to put that thing in your repetoire and be completely miserable the whole time you're doing it while resentment builds.

It sounds like the problem is not your dislike of blowjobs but your guilt about disliking blowjobs. It's OK to dislike blowjobs. You have permission to dislike them and it does not mean you're a cold fish, any more than your husband not liking to 69 means he is a cold fish. He's said it's OK to not give them. So don't give them! I mean, he's not exactly writing AskMe questions wondering how he can force himself to like to 69 because he hates but his girlfriend loves it and he's worried if he doesn't do that it means he's bad in bed, right? Or whatever sex position or act you like that he's not fond of.

It also sounds like you would not mind them so much if you didn't feel compelled to finish. You really don't have to finish, seriously, you don't. The BJ is foreplay, not mandatory ejaculation. And when you do give one, go for a reasonable time and when you're ready to go hop on.
posted by schroedinger at 10:28 PM on March 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

To the person who suggested him fingering me while I give blowjobs: not possible. He doesn't like upside down blowjobs and when my head is down there, he can't reach all the way down and finger me. He's a tall guy and I'm of average height for a woman. We've tried and it doesn't work.

This sounds odd to me; there are a lot of angles and twistings and so on that can go on. There are a bunch of positions where I can reach my partner's parts while she is giving oral sex, and this has been the same with every other woman I have been with. I'm not saying try things that definitely don't work for the two of you, but don't be shy about trying out the twisting around and playfulness that can provide you with magic combinations. (I don't want to get all pornographic here, but I can easily reach down there by leaning slightly to the side while she twists slightly up and to the side, while still giving oral sex in what I think you would call a "downward" direction, not that "upside down" thing you don't seem to like. Him being tall is a good thing for this, unless he has weirdly short arms or something.)

Anyway, my real point here is that you sound really caught up in this in some ways that are probably making it hard to find a happy solution. It's ok to not like blowjobs (giving or receiving). But you keep saying that you get turned on by giving them, so there's some dissonance there that would be worth unpacking.

And I think you are being really fast to dismiss the birth control issues. Not only are there other options (eg diaphragm), but there are dozens of varieties of condoms for sale (easily ordered online as sample packs, for fun experimenting), many of which do not taste nearly so much like ass. I mean, just switching to a non-spermicidal condom might alleviate 80% of your problems here.

That, and everything schroedinger says about not needing to finish and stopping before it turns into a drag. Sex should be good for everyone. That doesn't mean that every moment is perfect for both people -- sometimes you do things entirely for the other person -- but that overall, things have to be good for both.

But I don't think that there is any magic solution that won't involve a) communicating, b) experimenting, and c) compromising, on a variety of fronts.
posted by Forktine at 10:53 PM on March 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

He doesn't have to finger you WHILE you suck his cock. There is no rule that says both partners have to give and receive at the same time. Trade off. You do him, he does you after. He doesn't get to roll over and sleep after a blowjob, leaving you frustrated and horny.
posted by mollymayhem at 11:17 PM on March 31, 2011

To the user who recommended I play and poke his penis: I don't dislike his penis just because I don't want to suck on it for ten minutes. I used to play and poke and that kind of stuff until I realized that a) he feels sensitive (rightly) about that and that b) I personally would not want someone just playing and poking at my vagina with childish curiosity. It's not very respectful or sexual to treat his penis like a sleeping pet. It also seems sort of molester-y.

Different strokes for different folks. No need to compare our enjoyment to being molester-y (though he does like it when I molest...).

I was just focused on how you keep describing it as boring and made a few suggestion to make it fun. Really, to me, it's not just ten minutes of sucking. If you do get tired and want to finish him off you can use your hands and maybe concentrate on licking the head. I don't think he would be disappointed with that.

I just know he really loves blowjobs and wants me to keep going usually for a really long time, which is frustrating because I'm getting excited and want to get a release. But he encourages me to continue by giving me all kinds of positive encouraging feedback and obviously any rational woman responds to positive encouragement by doing it more.

It sounds like you give amazing blowjobs, so it makes sense he would encourage you to continue ("Oh yes don't stop"). But as an irrational woman, I would kindly suggest that we move on to something else if I'm not really feeling it because I know my boyfriend would not enjoy it this way. He has explicitly told me so, and I trust him on this.

Others have made some great suggestions, but it seems they're not applicable. You already know the one solution that's a good compromise for both of you (short blowjob as foreplay then PIV), you just have to not feel guilty about it. You can listen to all the anecdotes about what other guys think, but only you can find out if your partner means what he said.
posted by lucia_engel at 11:20 PM on March 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think what's confusing is what may seem like mixed messages, here: One, you don't like giving BJs, but they turn you on (which is not to say that being turned on should be sufficient, but that normally things we don't enjoy doing aren't a turn-on); and Two, that your partner does not pressure you about BJs but that he likes for you to go on for a long time.

Taking the second one first: Sure, he'd like for you to go on a long time. Most of us probably enjoy being passively "serviced" (ew, don't like that word); it's hot to have someone pay 100% attention to whatever makes you crazy. It's a nice part of sex (assuming, of course, that it's reciprocated in turn). Anyway, just because he LIKES it and makes that clear doesn't mean you have to continue until you have a sore jaw. He's already told you this isn't necessary, and even if he hadn't, your feelings are reason enough to shorten the sessions.

You don't have to go "back and forth" with the condom. You never have to taste it at all. Once you're done with the BJ foreplay, the condom goes on, and that's that. Move on to PIV sex.

To the first point, i.e., the frustration of finishing him but not receiving the same, manual doesn't have to happen during the BJ, you know. It can happen after. If you do oral to completion, there's nothing wrong with asking for him to give you whatever you need afterwards, even if PIV is out. (Ha.)

It does seem like some of your (and his?) parameters may be a bit rigid, and I agree with Forktine that compromise is needed. There are only so many ways that orgasm can happen, but two of the most basic that involve a BJ but get both partners off are: 1) Partial oral then PIV, and 2) Full oral for him then manual/oral for you.
posted by torticat at 11:40 PM on March 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

I just read your question again, and a few words jumped out at me. You think blowjob is boring and unrewarding, but you don't want to be the stereotypical woman who hates blowjobs. That's a lot of pressure on yourself, changing who you are just so you can avoid being this. If my boyfriend tells me he's been pretending to like [insert sex act here] to please me I wouldn't be grateful. I would just feel like he didn't trust me enough to tell me.

You wish you could be one of those selfless girls who loves blowjobs, but you honestly don't. There's a reason I didn't include selfless in my original answer because to me it's not a selfless act. I happily do it because I like it, just as you like penetrative sex. Being a good partner is not about constantly sacrificing your needs and being selfless and silently harbouring so much resentment because you have to do it just for him, for his happiness. It wouldn't be much of a healthy relationship at all.
posted by lucia_engel at 12:27 AM on April 1, 2011 [4 favorites]

I once read a book (admittedly three weeks after I first started having a sex life) where a man advised female readers that blowjobs were the key to satisfying men and keeping them sexually interested in a relationship, moreso than penetrative sex.
A BJ is only as important as the value one person puts on it. I wouldn't put too much weight in what you read. IMHO, you'll get more mileage out of open communication. I personally wouldn't ask my partner to do something that I know she didn't want to do. If that thing turned out to be vitally important to me (sexual or otherwise), we would have to talk that out for sure, but BJs? Not that important (to me).
posted by plinth at 3:22 AM on April 1, 2011

he doesn't like blowjobs that are upside down

I must admit to finding this quite perplexing. If being 'upside down' were a precondition of getting one of these never-ending blowjobs he seems so keen on, then presumably a little compromise wouldn't be all that difficult? You can't always get what you want, when you want, and how you want it.
posted by robself at 5:53 AM on April 1, 2011

he doesn't like blowjobs that are upside down

I must admit to finding this quite perplexing.

No, I know where he's coming from. It feels totally different upside down than it does rightside up. It's an issue of where the tongue is, and the difference in sensitivity between the top and bottom of your cock.
posted by Netzapper at 6:30 AM on April 1, 2011

You've boxed yourself in with some really restrictive parameters (no BJ to start, no toys, no different condoms, no different BC methods) and you're willfully ignoring a partner who says its okay not to if it makes you unhappy. You've put yourself in this all or nothing position, and people who do that generally don't end up happy with the results.

I once read a book (admittedly three weeks after I first started having a sex life) where a man advised female readers that blowjobs were the key to satisfying men and keeping them sexually interested in a relationship, moreso than penetrative sex.

I read a book when I was 11 (ish) that said that black people weren't as good as white people, yet I turned out fairly normal.

But he encourages me to continue by giving me all kinds of positive encouraging feedback and obviously any rational woman responds to positive encouragement by doing it more.

Rational women do not blindly follow around positive encouragement like this; life is not a 1950's sitcom. Rational women, women who view themselves as equals, don't do things that lead them to resent their partners; they find compromises where they both end up happy.
posted by dflemingecon at 6:42 AM on April 1, 2011 [6 favorites]

Should I take him for his word when he says I shouldn't do anything I don't want to?

Yes. You should.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:42 AM on April 1, 2011

I also fall victim to this - I may not be in the mood for sex, but want to please my partner - but then end up getting aroused in the process. It seems like 69 positions won't work out for you, and you say that blow jobs get boring and hurt your jaw (which I also understand).

Not sure what all you've tried, but here's some suggestions:

* During the BJ, make him move positions now and then. Get him to sit up, prop pillows behind his head, sit on the end of the bed, rotate around so that you're on different angles. I find not only does my partner like being told what to do, the change in sensations is good for him and it gives my jaw some rest.

* If you start to get aroused, then tell him that you're getting hot and that you need a little 'attention'. It sounds like there are some oral positions you like, and that he can use his fingers on you successfully, so change it up for a few until you get off. From there you can transition back to a 69, or just go back down on him. Again, I've been told that the break during a BJ can actually make his actual climax all the better (truth boys?).

* Porn. And I'm not even joking. I've found that watching porn (good porn that is - which is another whole topic post all together) has not only given me new ideas (for hands and mouth) but has actually helped me get more enjoyment out of giving blowjobs.



ps. My partner loves Metafilter... so there is a good chance he'll see this... hey baby, I hope I didn't say too much ;)
posted by groovesquirrel at 10:16 AM on April 1, 2011

From a Mefite who would prefer to remain anon:

Wow, I just emailed this thread to my boyfriend, because most of your complaints are exactly my complaints. Here are a couple of miscellaneous things that have helped me feel better about the whole thing:

- I actually used to enjoy giving blowjobs when I was much younger (in high school). Now I feel the way you do, in large part because of the jaw-hurty part. I thought I was just becoming prudish in my old age or something (and it's a bit disturbing to feel like your sexual persona is changing without you meaning it to!), but then I went to the dentist for the first time in a few years and learned that my jaw has become slightly misaligned, so it actually is subtly harder for me to open my mouth all the way than it used to me. Knowing that there's an actual, physical reason for my discomfort with blowjobbing has actually been really effective against the "but you have to do it if you don't want to be a terrible prudish sex-hating person!" voice in my head.

- This one is sort of a lie, because I also STILL have a very hard time with this, but: believe what your boyfriend tells you about what he wants. If he's not telling you what he actually wants, that's a whole other problem. But he's almost certainly saying what he means. Trust him. (If you can't, that is also a whole other problem).

- The #1 thing that makes blowjobbing any kind of fun for me these days is hot sex noises. Does your boyfriend make them? If not (and if this sounds pleasant to you), talk to him about it!

Good luck. This is one of the secret frustrations of my life, and I'm glad you've helped me put it into words.

posted by jessamyn at 1:20 PM on April 1, 2011

I don't know why it's confusing to anyone, but it's one thing to get aroused and then not get any release. I thought I was clear on that. Getting aroused and just stewing in a state of arousal knowing you won't get any release is deeply frustrating, so I don't know why anyone would think just getting aroused or excited is enough of its own reward.

Because you said:

But giving blowjobs is boring and while my partner loves it, it hurts my jaw, is boring as hell

I don't equate boring and getting aroused as the same thing. In fact, if I'm being aroused, I'd find it impossible to be bored. Now, frustrated, I understand. But bored, no, and those were your words. That's why it's confusing.

And maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree, but even when you talk about 'those girls' that do like giving blow jobs, it sounds like you almost don't believe them. That they're doing it for their boyfriends' sake, and you don't want to do that.

I'm probably not helping, so I'll say this again and then get out of here. You're complicating this. He says he doesn't need it. When you get tired of it, stop. If he's being honest, you'll be fine. If not, you'll find that out also. But you're in this limbo that isn't working for anyone.
posted by ratherbethedevil at 7:10 PM on April 1, 2011

Seconding the notion that just because he's making sounds of encouragement, it doesn't mean you have to keep going. I mean seriously, he just got some great head and now he gets to fuck. How disappointing can it be?
posted by Majorita at 10:46 PM on April 3, 2011