If blowjobs bug me, should I avoid dating men? I'm female.
April 20, 2007 7:37 AM Subscribe
If blowjobs bug me, should I avoid dating men? I'm female. [NSFW]
I was surprised to see so many people respond to this question saying that not all gay men like anuses and that it's perfectly fine for men to date men while avoiding the anus. I'm (honestly, innocently) wondering if you'd all say the same about women not giving blowjobs. It doesn't seem like people feel that way about men avoiding cunnilingus--the pervading attitude seems to be that if you're willing to stick your penis into it, you should be willing to put your mouth on it.
I'm female. I like women. I've been attracted to men before, but the idea of performing oral sex on a man grosses me out. This happens even when I think about giving blowjobs to specific men I seem attracted to. Like the other poster, I'm a virgin, but I've seen lots of [porn and non-porn] pictures of penises and vulvas. The thought of having penis-in-vagina (or butt) sex doesn't bug me at all, and the thought of performing oral sex on a person with a vulva doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Mostly, I've assumed that if I don't like penises enough to want to put one in my mouth, I shouldn't date people who have them. (Oral sex with a pre-op MtF transsexual would bug me too--it's a sex thing, not a gender thing.) Obviously, each person with a penis will have their own feelings about having a partner who will never give them a blowjob, but what is the general wisdom about this? Generally avoid dating men, or not?
Since I'm also attracted to women, I don't feel the need to learn to love giving blowjobs in the way the previous poster felt he should learn to love assholes. I suspect people would tell me I should chill the fuck out and go with the flow/date whoever I'm attracted to, but I'm curious about the general attitude towards this.
I was surprised to see so many people respond to this question saying that not all gay men like anuses and that it's perfectly fine for men to date men while avoiding the anus. I'm (honestly, innocently) wondering if you'd all say the same about women not giving blowjobs. It doesn't seem like people feel that way about men avoiding cunnilingus--the pervading attitude seems to be that if you're willing to stick your penis into it, you should be willing to put your mouth on it.
I'm female. I like women. I've been attracted to men before, but the idea of performing oral sex on a man grosses me out. This happens even when I think about giving blowjobs to specific men I seem attracted to. Like the other poster, I'm a virgin, but I've seen lots of [porn and non-porn] pictures of penises and vulvas. The thought of having penis-in-vagina (or butt) sex doesn't bug me at all, and the thought of performing oral sex on a person with a vulva doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Mostly, I've assumed that if I don't like penises enough to want to put one in my mouth, I shouldn't date people who have them. (Oral sex with a pre-op MtF transsexual would bug me too--it's a sex thing, not a gender thing.) Obviously, each person with a penis will have their own feelings about having a partner who will never give them a blowjob, but what is the general wisdom about this? Generally avoid dating men, or not?
Since I'm also attracted to women, I don't feel the need to learn to love giving blowjobs in the way the previous poster felt he should learn to love assholes. I suspect people would tell me I should chill the fuck out and go with the flow/date whoever I'm attracted to, but I'm curious about the general attitude towards this.
There are many women who don't like giving blowjobs, to the point that they won't do it, although I feel this is becoming less common among straight women. Also, there are some men who prefer a good hand-job to a bad blow job.
In other words, I don't think you're necessarily "strange" for being blow job-adverse. Some men will not like it, and some will be OK with it.
posted by muddgirl at 7:43 AM on April 20, 2007
In other words, I don't think you're necessarily "strange" for being blow job-adverse. Some men will not like it, and some will be OK with it.
posted by muddgirl at 7:43 AM on April 20, 2007
A number of my male friends have told me that they do not like receiving blowjobs because they feel as though they are just passively sitting back instead of "being part of the action." So I don't think that lack of blowjob is necessarily a deal breaker.
posted by mustcatchmooseandsquirrel at 7:45 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by mustcatchmooseandsquirrel at 7:45 AM on April 20, 2007
I've met women who don't like receiving cunnilingus. It happens.
More often than not, I've been involved with women who abhor giving oral sex. I've still been happy with these women, and we've still had gratifying need-to-fix-the-bed sex. It's really a case-by-case basis.
I've had more headaches caused by strict vegetarian habits than blowjob preferences.
posted by Mozai at 7:49 AM on April 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
More often than not, I've been involved with women who abhor giving oral sex. I've still been happy with these women, and we've still had gratifying need-to-fix-the-bed sex. It's really a case-by-case basis.
I've had more headaches caused by strict vegetarian habits than blowjob preferences.
posted by Mozai at 7:49 AM on April 20, 2007 [2 favorites]
"Also, there are some men who prefer a good hand-job to a bad blow job."
Muddgirl has a good point here. If you and your partner are giving people, and you are both into pleasing the other partner then the method really becomes somewhat secondary.
posted by BeerGrin at 7:55 AM on April 20, 2007
Muddgirl has a good point here. If you and your partner are giving people, and you are both into pleasing the other partner then the method really becomes somewhat secondary.
posted by BeerGrin at 7:55 AM on April 20, 2007
I even know a guy who doesn't like to get blow jobs from girls he actually likes... he just automatically thinks of them as dirty/slutty, so although he enjoys them he doesn't want "nice girls" to give them. (That is a dumb split to have, of course, but it's his psyche.)
posted by mdn at 7:59 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by mdn at 7:59 AM on April 20, 2007
The thought grosses you out, but have you ever tried it? A lot of things about sex grossed me out before I did them, but once I tried them I felt I was in a better position to judge my likes/dislikes. I'm NOT saying that you will love it. I'm just saying that you might.
posted by nursegracer at 8:09 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by nursegracer at 8:09 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It's not an issue, unless he wants the blow job, you won't give it, but you also demand he goes down on you. Fair is fair (though there are guys who would happily perform cunnilingus without receiving in turn).
posted by Anonymous at 8:11 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by Anonymous at 8:11 AM on April 20, 2007
In a relationship of mutual respect and love, there are no acts — sexual or not — that you should feel obligated to do. That is, if you're in a relationship with someone who really cares about you and what's best for you, he won't demand anything that you're not comfortable with.
posted by Alt F4 at 8:14 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by Alt F4 at 8:14 AM on April 20, 2007
There's no reason to think that there's something wrong with you that you're grossed out by not wanted to tongue something that's been peed out of. Just don't expect a man to do the same to you.
posted by sian at 8:16 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by sian at 8:16 AM on April 20, 2007
As long as you're mature about it and you get a mature response back, that's all that needs to happen - and that is well within the realm of normal experience. Don't be all squealy "ew", just explain, when the time is right, that you don't do it, that that particular thing isn't your thing.
It's not the end-all be-all for a lot of men. Every once in a while, you'll meet someone for whom it is mandatory, but you handle that the same way you would handle any other fetish that isn't going to work out for you.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:20 AM on April 20, 2007
It's not the end-all be-all for a lot of men. Every once in a while, you'll meet someone for whom it is mandatory, but you handle that the same way you would handle any other fetish that isn't going to work out for you.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:20 AM on April 20, 2007
There are plenty of guys who don't like going down on women who still date women. So the idea that you have to completely not date men 'cause you don't want to give a blowjob seems silly. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
Just be clear and upfront about this, so the guy isn't expecting one thing and then find out that it ain't gonna happen. As always communicate, communicate, communicate.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2007
Just be clear and upfront about this, so the guy isn't expecting one thing and then find out that it ain't gonna happen. As always communicate, communicate, communicate.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2007
i have not found blowjobs to be mandatory. most guys, in my experience, prefer intercourse.
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:22 AM on April 20, 2007
Blowjobs are nice, but the lack of them shouldn't be a dealbreaker for anyone who's worth your interest. I can't speak for all men, but, personally, I look at them like an appetizer—it can be really good, but it's not the main reason I go to a restaurant.
posted by cerebus19 at 8:33 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by cerebus19 at 8:33 AM on April 20, 2007
Men won't die if they don't get blowjobs. Word. You probably don't want to be with someone who will freak out if they aren't getting any oral sex.
posted by chunking express at 8:34 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by chunking express at 8:34 AM on April 20, 2007
I'll probably get scolded for over-thinking this, but hey, the brain IS the most important sexual organ :P
Here's the part that interests me (because it seems so contradictory..)
You're not turned off by penile-vaginal/anal sex.
You're not turned off by giving oral to another women.
but you are turned off by giving oral to a man???
So do you like the penis, or not?... :)
Sounds to me like you've got some kind of psychological hang up with the penis being in your mouth. If I'm right, I cant tell you exactly what it is (thats for you to do, if you're so inclined). Could be a "power" issue,.. could be a "dirty" issue (omg, pee comes out of that hole), or an ejaculate issue.
I guess there's 2 ways you could approach it.
1.) let yourself be how you are (plenty of people hate broccoli and goes their whole lives without eating it) and just enjoy the things you enjoy.
2.) do some internal work and figure it out and get over it. Personally, I think your missing out. Blowjobs, when done correctly and done well, can be a very intense and enjoyable situation for both. Blowjobs are not necessarily "dirty" or "slutty"... As with almost anything else in life, its all in how you approach/perform it.
Lastly.. alot of it has to do with your partner. If you have someone you trust and communicate well with and know intimately, there should really be no limit to what you can talk about, and/or work through.
posted by jmnugent at 8:41 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
Here's the part that interests me (because it seems so contradictory..)
You're not turned off by penile-vaginal/anal sex.
You're not turned off by giving oral to another women.
but you are turned off by giving oral to a man???
So do you like the penis, or not?... :)
Sounds to me like you've got some kind of psychological hang up with the penis being in your mouth. If I'm right, I cant tell you exactly what it is (thats for you to do, if you're so inclined). Could be a "power" issue,.. could be a "dirty" issue (omg, pee comes out of that hole), or an ejaculate issue.
I guess there's 2 ways you could approach it.
1.) let yourself be how you are (plenty of people hate broccoli and goes their whole lives without eating it) and just enjoy the things you enjoy.
2.) do some internal work and figure it out and get over it. Personally, I think your missing out. Blowjobs, when done correctly and done well, can be a very intense and enjoyable situation for both. Blowjobs are not necessarily "dirty" or "slutty"... As with almost anything else in life, its all in how you approach/perform it.
Lastly.. alot of it has to do with your partner. If you have someone you trust and communicate well with and know intimately, there should really be no limit to what you can talk about, and/or work through.
posted by jmnugent at 8:41 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
I'll second the idea of "try it, you just might like it" and fifty-second the idea that it is probably not a deal breaker for the vast majority of guys, as long as you are mature about it and are willing to pleasure him in all sorts of other ways.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:48 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by Rock Steady at 8:48 AM on April 20, 2007
Preferences vary by person, and some sexual preferences and likes don't mean much when compared to more important issues in a relationship.
That said, you haven't had that many experiences, and frankly, watching someone else have sex in video form and seeing pictures doesn't really mean anything. I hate to invoke the "don't knock it until you've tried it" rule, but I really don't think what sounds good or bad in theory has anything to do with what you learn you're interested in during the heat of the moment.
posted by mikeh at 8:48 AM on April 20, 2007
That said, you haven't had that many experiences, and frankly, watching someone else have sex in video form and seeing pictures doesn't really mean anything. I hate to invoke the "don't knock it until you've tried it" rule, but I really don't think what sounds good or bad in theory has anything to do with what you learn you're interested in during the heat of the moment.
posted by mikeh at 8:48 AM on April 20, 2007
Lots of things seem grosser than they are before you try them. You never know when you will be with the right person and you will be inspired to give a fantastic blow job. Then again, that might never happen.
I would assume that most men could go without oral sex. I know for a fact that no one had died from not getting a blow job. So find a partner when it suits you that will be on the same page and just be sure not to be offended if they don't want to do something else with you.
posted by stormygrey at 8:49 AM on April 20, 2007
I would assume that most men could go without oral sex. I know for a fact that no one had died from not getting a blow job. So find a partner when it suits you that will be on the same page and just be sure not to be offended if they don't want to do something else with you.
posted by stormygrey at 8:49 AM on April 20, 2007
I thought they were disgusting too until I tried it. I won't lie - I don't love giving them - but it makes my man happy so I do it with a smile on my face. He is always willing to reciprocate, too.
posted by sutel at 8:49 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by sutel at 8:49 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
blowjobs are strictly optional over here. we can figure out something else. don't ever do anything in bed you're not completely comfortable with. a guy who appreciates you will want you to be completely comfortable.
posted by bruce at 8:51 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by bruce at 8:51 AM on April 20, 2007
follow-up from the OP:
To clarify, I don't think there's something wrong with me for not wanting to give blowjobs, I understand some people have relationships without them (though I am curious how common or accepted that is), and it's not that pee comes out of penises (it's the semen that bugs me, specifically the idea of something that's had semen on/in it being in my mouth.).
The fact that I have absolutely no disgust for vulvas is what leaves me unsure. I suppose it boils down to "should I stick to the group of people whose genitalia I'd happily put my mouth around, especially given that such a group exists?" I can imagine being upset if a partner were a grossed out by the thought of putting their mouth near my genitalia, so I'm not sure how fair it is for me to date men.
posted by jessamyn at 8:53 AM on April 20, 2007
To clarify, I don't think there's something wrong with me for not wanting to give blowjobs, I understand some people have relationships without them (though I am curious how common or accepted that is), and it's not that pee comes out of penises (it's the semen that bugs me, specifically the idea of something that's had semen on/in it being in my mouth.).
The fact that I have absolutely no disgust for vulvas is what leaves me unsure. I suppose it boils down to "should I stick to the group of people whose genitalia I'd happily put my mouth around, especially given that such a group exists?" I can imagine being upset if a partner were a grossed out by the thought of putting their mouth near my genitalia, so I'm not sure how fair it is for me to date men.
posted by jessamyn at 8:53 AM on April 20, 2007
The real question is not whether your distaste for having a penis in your mouth should stop you from dating men. The question is whether there are sexual acts involving a penis, and not involving your mouth, that you would enjoy. That leads to some pretty simple advice. If yes, then sure, date some men and engage in those non-oral penile activities. If no, then stick with women.
I don't think you have some kind of "psychological hang-up." People like different things. Not liking to give blow jobs is a pretty normal thing; a lot of women and men don't enjoy it. Not liking (or certainly not insisting on) blow jobs is also pretty normal; a lot of men don't enjoy them. You don't need to make any special effort to dissuade yourself from your feelings, either of attraction to various people, or of being grossed out by this particular way of expressing attraction. You sound perfectly healthy in that you have a good sense of who you like, and what you like, and you know it. Trust those instincts.
posted by grimmelm at 8:54 AM on April 20, 2007
I don't think you have some kind of "psychological hang-up." People like different things. Not liking to give blow jobs is a pretty normal thing; a lot of women and men don't enjoy it. Not liking (or certainly not insisting on) blow jobs is also pretty normal; a lot of men don't enjoy them. You don't need to make any special effort to dissuade yourself from your feelings, either of attraction to various people, or of being grossed out by this particular way of expressing attraction. You sound perfectly healthy in that you have a good sense of who you like, and what you like, and you know it. Trust those instincts.
posted by grimmelm at 8:54 AM on April 20, 2007
I think the fact that you're a virgin comes into play here. I, too, found blow jobs revolting before I had any real sexual experience. The old adage "Don't knock it til you've tried it" is spot on. It's still not my very favorite thing to do (but sometimes it's hot!), but it makes my partner very happy and I like to do that for him.
posted by chiababe at 8:57 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by chiababe at 8:57 AM on April 20, 2007
I like the idea of blowjobs, but technically I find them difficult (jaw hurts, gag reflex interferes, swallowing semen makes me physically ill). I was quite relieved to discover that most guys think they've gotten a blowjob if you just go down on them for a couple of minutes: they don't actually need to come that way. They may even prefer not to come that way because they want to be face-to-face with you, kissing you and looking into your eyes and feeling your breasts.
Even if you never learn to love giving blowjobs, you might find out that you end up doing things that make your sweetheart happy because you're in love and you love doing things that make him happy. Don't worry about these things in advance.
The point is moot for you right now anyway because you don't have a sexual partner. Get a few sexual partners first before you start thinking about long-term orientation.
posted by kika at 9:01 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
Even if you never learn to love giving blowjobs, you might find out that you end up doing things that make your sweetheart happy because you're in love and you love doing things that make him happy. Don't worry about these things in advance.
The point is moot for you right now anyway because you don't have a sexual partner. Get a few sexual partners first before you start thinking about long-term orientation.
posted by kika at 9:01 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
Again with a vote for the experience here.
I find watching blowjobs in porn to be disgusting and a huge turnoff. Doesn't have any correlation whatsoever with how much I like the real thing, with someone I love when we're both turned on and having fun.
posted by po at 9:05 AM on April 20, 2007
I find watching blowjobs in porn to be disgusting and a huge turnoff. Doesn't have any correlation whatsoever with how much I like the real thing, with someone I love when we're both turned on and having fun.
posted by po at 9:05 AM on April 20, 2007
I'm not sure how fair it is for me to date men.
If you like a dude, date him. If he thinks he's getting a bad deal, that's for him to decide. Maybe he'd miss the blowjobs, but maybe there's something incredibly cool and special about you that makes up for it. If you're worried that you're odd and will never find a partner, dating women exclusively is surely not the answer, as the pool of available gay/bi women is massively lower than the pool of available straight men.
posted by hoverboards don't work on water at 9:10 AM on April 20, 2007
If you like a dude, date him. If he thinks he's getting a bad deal, that's for him to decide. Maybe he'd miss the blowjobs, but maybe there's something incredibly cool and special about you that makes up for it. If you're worried that you're odd and will never find a partner, dating women exclusively is surely not the answer, as the pool of available gay/bi women is massively lower than the pool of available straight men.
posted by hoverboards don't work on water at 9:10 AM on April 20, 2007
"should I stick to the group of people whose genitalia I'd happily put my mouth around, especially given that such a group exists?"
You're overthinking it, unless there's some other reason you're hung up on this.
It's ok if you wanna date only women and it's ok if you wanna date guys, but not give blowjobs. IT'S OK. There are no strict rules about what you personally can or should do, based on someone's genitalia, other than you don't ever have to do anything you don't want to do and can say no at anytime. You can decide to date women this week and guys next week. You can mix and match. You can decide the hell with this, I'm just just gonna watch tv this week. You can have a threesome and go down on the woman and not on the man, but then have anal sex with guy and then peform anal sex on both of them and then watch tv with them. You can decide to date only black guys and chinese women or just hispanic women only.
It's all up to you. You don't have make specific decisions right now and even if you do, you can can you change your mind.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:29 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
You're overthinking it, unless there's some other reason you're hung up on this.
It's ok if you wanna date only women and it's ok if you wanna date guys, but not give blowjobs. IT'S OK. There are no strict rules about what you personally can or should do, based on someone's genitalia, other than you don't ever have to do anything you don't want to do and can say no at anytime. You can decide to date women this week and guys next week. You can mix and match. You can decide the hell with this, I'm just just gonna watch tv this week. You can have a threesome and go down on the woman and not on the man, but then have anal sex with guy and then peform anal sex on both of them and then watch tv with them. You can decide to date only black guys and chinese women or just hispanic women only.
It's all up to you. You don't have make specific decisions right now and even if you do, you can can you change your mind.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:29 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
Bj's are nice, but they are not required. If a particular man "requires" them then move on and find the next person
Are there men who don't "require" them? Well, perhaps. Maybe I risk sounding shallow here, but if a man has a choice between a woman who won't do it and a woman who will, it's pretty obvious who he will choose.
Just suck it up and take it like a man (puns intended).
posted by HotPatatta at 9:35 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
Are there men who don't "require" them? Well, perhaps. Maybe I risk sounding shallow here, but if a man has a choice between a woman who won't do it and a woman who will, it's pretty obvious who he will choose.
Just suck it up and take it like a man (puns intended).
posted by HotPatatta at 9:35 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
I personally would not date anyone who thought my penis was gross.
There's room for compromise with someone who has tried it but doesn't like it (hurts, whatever), but I'd just as soon date someone who didn't think I was gross.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 9:36 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
There's room for compromise with someone who has tried it but doesn't like it (hurts, whatever), but I'd just as soon date someone who didn't think I was gross.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 9:36 AM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
I also think that you can't know whether you like it or not until you've tried it, any maybe not even then. My ex-girlfriend hated going down on me when we first started dating - she'd do it, god bless her, but she'd stop after about 30 seconds because she was so grossed out. But as our relationship progressed, and the sex got better, she started to come around. I don't think she ever really loved just giving head (although she got pretty good at it), but in certain circumstances (i.e. sixty-nine) she LOVED IT. Seriously. Couldn't get enough.
My point is that it doesn't come naturally for everyone, and that it can take a fair amount of sexual experience to be able to enjoy it. And it's certainly possible that you'll never enjoy it. But for now - don't worry about it. Do what feels good, get to know your own body and your partner's, and open yourself to the full range of sensory pleasure. You might be surprised.
posted by opek at 9:47 AM on April 20, 2007
My point is that it doesn't come naturally for everyone, and that it can take a fair amount of sexual experience to be able to enjoy it. And it's certainly possible that you'll never enjoy it. But for now - don't worry about it. Do what feels good, get to know your own body and your partner's, and open yourself to the full range of sensory pleasure. You might be surprised.
posted by opek at 9:47 AM on April 20, 2007
I would recommend giving anything you haven't actually experienced a try as long as there is a faint possibility it might end up being pleasurable.
there are many things that, when rationally discussed, sound silly or downright gross that end up giving you this "oh damn, I didn't know this felt this good" when you actually try them out. think about it ... how would you know whether you liked coffee if you had never tried it?
that being said, saying 'no' to anything in particular is not only acceptable, it's wise. don't compromise who you are for anyone else. you don't need to avoid dating men if you like men, too just because you don't want to go down on them. you just need to learn to dash when one cannot accept your preferences. other mommies have beautiful sons as well.
sexuality is a bitch. it's tough to figure out and no theory can really do it justice. but, when done right, experimenting and learning can be a hell of a lot of fun.
posted by krautland at 9:48 AM on April 20, 2007
there are many things that, when rationally discussed, sound silly or downright gross that end up giving you this "oh damn, I didn't know this felt this good" when you actually try them out. think about it ... how would you know whether you liked coffee if you had never tried it?
that being said, saying 'no' to anything in particular is not only acceptable, it's wise. don't compromise who you are for anyone else. you don't need to avoid dating men if you like men, too just because you don't want to go down on them. you just need to learn to dash when one cannot accept your preferences. other mommies have beautiful sons as well.
sexuality is a bitch. it's tough to figure out and no theory can really do it justice. but, when done right, experimenting and learning can be a hell of a lot of fun.
posted by krautland at 9:48 AM on April 20, 2007
I'm with Elvis, the lack of bjs wouldn't bug me but being perceived as gross? Massively unappealing and would make me less attracted to someone.
posted by phearlez at 10:24 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by phearlez at 10:24 AM on April 20, 2007
"should I stick to the group of people whose genitalia I'd happily put my mouth around, especially given that such a group exists?"
There is no imperative to be exclusive to females based on this. I don't even think it is relevant to the decision. Keeping in mind the askmefi thread telling of many gay men who do not want anything to do with the human anus.
Now, if sex with men is entertaining but not engaging in the same way sex with women is... then maybe your leaning lesbian or bi.
If you “can” have sex with men, and you even “kind of” enjoy it when you care about them, try just being with women.
Instead of pre-set ideas, be open to listening to yourself. Let yourself reflect on experiences. Give yourself permission to learn what your love life means to you.
When care about the other human, the labels really do not matter. I think you hurt yourself if you set up rules like this in advance. Just be honest with yourself and the other person. If you are, whatever is right for you will come naturally.
posted by BeerGrin at 10:42 AM on April 20, 2007
There is no imperative to be exclusive to females based on this. I don't even think it is relevant to the decision. Keeping in mind the askmefi thread telling of many gay men who do not want anything to do with the human anus.
Now, if sex with men is entertaining but not engaging in the same way sex with women is... then maybe your leaning lesbian or bi.
If you “can” have sex with men, and you even “kind of” enjoy it when you care about them, try just being with women.
Instead of pre-set ideas, be open to listening to yourself. Let yourself reflect on experiences. Give yourself permission to learn what your love life means to you.
When care about the other human, the labels really do not matter. I think you hurt yourself if you set up rules like this in advance. Just be honest with yourself and the other person. If you are, whatever is right for you will come naturally.
posted by BeerGrin at 10:42 AM on April 20, 2007
"I can imagine being upset if a partner were a grossed out by the thought of putting their mouth near my genitalia, so I'm not sure how fair it is for me to date men."
That is a much more equitable view then men are accustomed to women expressing. Your sense of fairness speaks well of you, but reasonable males will not hold you to so high a standard of sexual equity.
posted by BeerGrin at 10:47 AM on April 20, 2007
That is a much more equitable view then men are accustomed to women expressing. Your sense of fairness speaks well of you, but reasonable males will not hold you to so high a standard of sexual equity.
posted by BeerGrin at 10:47 AM on April 20, 2007
I'm 100% straight, 'mericun guy. I like giving head to women, but I'm not bugged if they say no. I enjoy receiving head, but there's only one person in my extensive sexual resume who's been able to get off that way. I'm not ticked off at all if a person says they don't like giving them.
Advice: If you're dating a guy, and it gets down to sex, and he says that no blowjobs are a dealbreaker, then he really wasn't worth shaggin' anyway.
posted by SpecialK at 10:56 AM on April 20, 2007
Advice: If you're dating a guy, and it gets down to sex, and he says that no blowjobs are a dealbreaker, then he really wasn't worth shaggin' anyway.
posted by SpecialK at 10:56 AM on April 20, 2007
If you're dating a guy, and it gets down to sex, and he says that no blowjobs are a dealbreaker, then he really wasn't worth shaggin' anyway.
I think a no blowjobs rule is symptomatic of a person who has a general aversion to sexual experimentation or aversion to male sexual anatomy. Blowjobs are so vanilla. If someone doesn't want to give one, that person will probably not want to try a lot of other stuff--and that means sex will eventually get boring. I'm sure there are people who don't involve oral sex in their love making and have been in a monogamous relationship for years and still enjoy sex. I'm only generalizing. At least try it a few times, maybe it's an acquired taste. You might get turned on by seeing how much pleasure you are giving to your partner.
posted by HotPatatta at 11:22 AM on April 20, 2007
I think a no blowjobs rule is symptomatic of a person who has a general aversion to sexual experimentation or aversion to male sexual anatomy. Blowjobs are so vanilla. If someone doesn't want to give one, that person will probably not want to try a lot of other stuff--and that means sex will eventually get boring. I'm sure there are people who don't involve oral sex in their love making and have been in a monogamous relationship for years and still enjoy sex. I'm only generalizing. At least try it a few times, maybe it's an acquired taste. You might get turned on by seeing how much pleasure you are giving to your partner.
posted by HotPatatta at 11:22 AM on April 20, 2007
You are a virgin. You have never actually tried any of these things. You will not really know about your desires, likes and dislikes until you test the waters a bit. Relax about this and when you do experiment practice safe sex.
posted by caddis at 11:25 AM on April 20, 2007
posted by caddis at 11:25 AM on April 20, 2007
Others have said it, but it seems to me that, to a certain extent, this is one of those things that you may have to figure out practically. The thing about sex is, you can ponder on it all day, and it will only ever inform the actual act so far. There's a lot of things I love doing now that in the past the sheer idea of totally freaked me out. Sex out of context is essentially sort of hilarious and rather squiky. In context, those same acts are a lot of fun.
My dear boy likes blowjobs just fine, but in no way requires them (and never climaxes as a result). I sort of enjoy the power aspect of giving (the "ooh, I'm making him react that way" feeling), but can't say the act itself is the most fun thing ever. I, however, hardly ever come without oral. For me, in a sexual relationship, this is basically a requirement, so I feel like I have to be totally willing to reciprocate. Luckily, he truly loves to give it so we both tend to end up with what we want.
I guess my point is, when you're in the moment with a person you trust and with whom you communicate well, these things have a way of working them out.
Is this aversion a signal that you'd be better of just dating women? Maybe, maybe not. If you set up rigid classifications in your mind, you're likely to end up feeling confined and disappointed. Experiment some, do what comes naturally, try to keep an open mind and try to not judge yourself so hard. Given time, you'll figure it out.
posted by mostlymartha at 11:38 AM on April 20, 2007
My dear boy likes blowjobs just fine, but in no way requires them (and never climaxes as a result). I sort of enjoy the power aspect of giving (the "ooh, I'm making him react that way" feeling), but can't say the act itself is the most fun thing ever. I, however, hardly ever come without oral. For me, in a sexual relationship, this is basically a requirement, so I feel like I have to be totally willing to reciprocate. Luckily, he truly loves to give it so we both tend to end up with what we want.
I guess my point is, when you're in the moment with a person you trust and with whom you communicate well, these things have a way of working them out.
Is this aversion a signal that you'd be better of just dating women? Maybe, maybe not. If you set up rigid classifications in your mind, you're likely to end up feeling confined and disappointed. Experiment some, do what comes naturally, try to keep an open mind and try to not judge yourself so hard. Given time, you'll figure it out.
posted by mostlymartha at 11:38 AM on April 20, 2007
... but I'm curious about the general attitude towards this.
Obviously there is some disagreement over the relative importance of oral sex in relationships, but to answer your more narrow question about general expectations, I think Dan Savage put it pretty well when he said that oral sex (specifically, fellatio) is "standard and any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot." The theory being that it's so ho-hum at this point, no one should be freaked out about it. I personally wouldn't put it quite that strongly, but I do think the general expectation is that it's reasonable to expect head, at least a little bit before sex sometimes.
But I don't think you should refrain from dating guys on this account. As others point out, you might grow to like it. But even if you don't, it won't be a deal breaker for everyone - some guys just don't like it enough to care that much. In fact, the Savage Love article I just linked to is one where Dan Savage is describing an exception the above-quoted "rule."
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 11:53 AM on April 20, 2007
Obviously there is some disagreement over the relative importance of oral sex in relationships, but to answer your more narrow question about general expectations, I think Dan Savage put it pretty well when he said that oral sex (specifically, fellatio) is "standard and any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot." The theory being that it's so ho-hum at this point, no one should be freaked out about it. I personally wouldn't put it quite that strongly, but I do think the general expectation is that it's reasonable to expect head, at least a little bit before sex sometimes.
But I don't think you should refrain from dating guys on this account. As others point out, you might grow to like it. But even if you don't, it won't be a deal breaker for everyone - some guys just don't like it enough to care that much. In fact, the Savage Love article I just linked to is one where Dan Savage is describing an exception the above-quoted "rule."
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 11:53 AM on April 20, 2007
Most men I know, including myself, would not date a woman that wouldn't perform oral sex.
posted by Falconetti at 12:11 PM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by Falconetti at 12:11 PM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
I don't think I'd be too upset about not getting a blow-job per se, but, as mentioned above, if you expect someone to go down on you it's only fair to return the favor. My single most unpleasant sexual experience was wit a woman who told me that she thought blow-jobs were gross after she insisted that I go down on her. It was a total mood-killer.
Just observation, but you'd be surprised what you'll do in the heat of the moment. You may think that bj's are gross in the cold light of day, or when watching teh pr0n, but when the lights are low and the hormones are carbonating your bloodstream you may be surprised what you're willing to put in your mouth.
posted by lekvar at 12:34 PM on April 20, 2007
Just observation, but you'd be surprised what you'll do in the heat of the moment. You may think that bj's are gross in the cold light of day, or when watching teh pr0n, but when the lights are low and the hormones are carbonating your bloodstream you may be surprised what you're willing to put in your mouth.
posted by lekvar at 12:34 PM on April 20, 2007
The fact that I have absolutely no disgust for vulvas is what leaves me unsure
I think the reason for this is that you have a vulva. You have no disgust for it because it's not the least bit alien to you, and you feel like you pretty much 'get' it. You can be comfortable around it in a way which is not as easy with a penis. A penis is pretty much a complete unknown at this point in your life.
Even after a fair amount of experience, a penis can be a complete unknown to a woman. you need to have partners who are relaxed about their bodies, about touching and looking and talking and sharing, to become comfortable with body parts you don't have. That can take a lot of time. It's also something you can gain and lose - you can become comfortable with one partner and then feel thrown back toward unknown territory with a new person.
But you should not judge your attraction level based on your comfort level or how initially weirded out you feel. (In a certain sense you should almost expect an inverse relation there. If you're not kinda freaking out the first time, that might indicate you're not actually all that attracted...) Basically, as you already said, just go for the ones you're attracted to and deal with the actual sexual interactions on a case-by-case basis.
posted by mdn at 1:52 PM on April 20, 2007
I think the reason for this is that you have a vulva. You have no disgust for it because it's not the least bit alien to you, and you feel like you pretty much 'get' it. You can be comfortable around it in a way which is not as easy with a penis. A penis is pretty much a complete unknown at this point in your life.
Even after a fair amount of experience, a penis can be a complete unknown to a woman. you need to have partners who are relaxed about their bodies, about touching and looking and talking and sharing, to become comfortable with body parts you don't have. That can take a lot of time. It's also something you can gain and lose - you can become comfortable with one partner and then feel thrown back toward unknown territory with a new person.
But you should not judge your attraction level based on your comfort level or how initially weirded out you feel. (In a certain sense you should almost expect an inverse relation there. If you're not kinda freaking out the first time, that might indicate you're not actually all that attracted...) Basically, as you already said, just go for the ones you're attracted to and deal with the actual sexual interactions on a case-by-case basis.
posted by mdn at 1:52 PM on April 20, 2007
The male anatomy, to be honest, looks really ridiculous—it's external, what? Stuff dangles? Bizarre! I love men and I love having sex with them, but personally it takes me a while before I'm comfortable enough with a partner to go down on them. Maybe when the time comes you'll be like me, or maybe you'll find you really like giving blowjobs, or hey, maybe you won't like them at all. They're all perfectly okay ways to feel. You're not weird, you're just inexperienced. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do for yourself, or not doing something you want to do.
posted by lia at 2:07 PM on April 20, 2007
posted by lia at 2:07 PM on April 20, 2007
Differenet people like doing different stuff with different people of different genders. There's no law that says you have to like everything.
posted by jonmc at 3:26 PM on April 20, 2007
posted by jonmc at 3:26 PM on April 20, 2007
Obviously, each person with a penis will have their own feelings about having a partner who will never give them a blowjob, but what is the general wisdom about this
I dated more than a few women who wouldn't do this, even though I did the equivalent back. It's just one of a huge collection of things people do to each other, and in my mind no biggle if it's out of the picture. In fact, after one girlfriend (who was, to put it lightly, orally-fixated to a degree hitherto seen only in porn stars when the camera's rolling) I was so bored with blowjobs that the next two girls (who didn't like doing them) were a relief*.
So date. Have a good time. Don't be shy about what you won't do, and don't be shy about what you will do. See how it goes. And ultimately, you may find that what disgusts you in the abstract appeals to you in the moment -- that's fairly typical when it comes to certain sexual endeavors.
*Yes, yes, poor me. I'm not complaining. And time heals all wounds. Heh.
posted by davejay at 3:31 PM on April 20, 2007
I dated more than a few women who wouldn't do this, even though I did the equivalent back. It's just one of a huge collection of things people do to each other, and in my mind no biggle if it's out of the picture. In fact, after one girlfriend (who was, to put it lightly, orally-fixated to a degree hitherto seen only in porn stars when the camera's rolling) I was so bored with blowjobs that the next two girls (who didn't like doing them) were a relief*.
So date. Have a good time. Don't be shy about what you won't do, and don't be shy about what you will do. See how it goes. And ultimately, you may find that what disgusts you in the abstract appeals to you in the moment -- that's fairly typical when it comes to certain sexual endeavors.
*Yes, yes, poor me. I'm not complaining. And time heals all wounds. Heh.
posted by davejay at 3:31 PM on April 20, 2007
Oh, and many years down the road, there are things I enjoy a great deal now that, back in the day I patently refused to even consider the possibility of enjoying. Keep an open mind.
posted by davejay at 3:32 PM on April 20, 2007
posted by davejay at 3:32 PM on April 20, 2007
OP: it's the semen that bugs me, specifically the idea of something that's had semen on/in it being in my mouth.
There's no law saying the guy has to unload in your mouth and there' s always the option of using a flavoured or unlubricated condom (preferences for blowjobs with or without condoms is another issue entirely). Or a thin coating of flavoured lube.
Just as with the anal question you linked, you might want to get acquainted with actual semen before you squik out about it. It an oddly varied substance - from guy to guy, or even from day to day from the same guy - in terms of consistency, volume, scent, etc. (Oh god, I sound like a sommelier.)
lia: The male anatomy, to be honest, looks really ridiculous...
Girly bits look ridiculous too, if you look at them objectively.
posted by CKmtl at 3:51 PM on April 20, 2007
There's no law saying the guy has to unload in your mouth and there' s always the option of using a flavoured or unlubricated condom (preferences for blowjobs with or without condoms is another issue entirely). Or a thin coating of flavoured lube.
Just as with the anal question you linked, you might want to get acquainted with actual semen before you squik out about it. It an oddly varied substance - from guy to guy, or even from day to day from the same guy - in terms of consistency, volume, scent, etc. (Oh god, I sound like a sommelier.)
lia: The male anatomy, to be honest, looks really ridiculous...
Girly bits look ridiculous too, if you look at them objectively.
posted by CKmtl at 3:51 PM on April 20, 2007
It an oddly varied substance - from guy to guy, or even from day to day from the same guy - in terms of consistency, volume, scent, etc. (Oh god, I sound like a sommelier.)
Maybe there's a magazine, like Wine Spectator, only it's called Spunktator.
posted by jonmc at 3:58 PM on April 20, 2007
Maybe there's a magazine, like Wine Spectator, only it's called Spunktator.
posted by jonmc at 3:58 PM on April 20, 2007
I can only speak for my experience. Fellatio is not something that will, ah, finish me off, so it isn't a climaxing issue. Nor is anyone obligated to do anything, but, from an personal perspective, if someone does not want to go down on me, or does it as an unpleasant chore, etc., I feel it, emotionally.
I'm going to come off as really unenlightened, so cancel my Lilith Fair tickets now, but, yeah, if she doesn't want to go down, welcome to me feeling like a dildo. I know an awful lot of women who lick their fingers clean after masturbating, so I guess that makes me an especially grungy dildo. And it isn't just about reciprocity, either - I hate those situations where "A won't do X sex act, so I guess B shouldn't do it, either." In the Venn diagram of naughty time, unions of sets are a lot better than intersections.
I've been with those who went down with some enthusiasm, with coaxing, and not at all. If someone isn't into it, well, I guess they aren't, but it translates to me not feeling like they're into me, either. I know a lot of women will call foul on that point: too bad, it's how I feel. Imagine if your boyfriend said, "You know I love you, baby, but I'm just never going to hug you again."
I have no idea what the general consensus is - guys have a sometimes sad tendency to settle for whatever they can get. Factor that in.
posted by adipocere at 4:06 PM on April 20, 2007
I'm going to come off as really unenlightened, so cancel my Lilith Fair tickets now, but, yeah, if she doesn't want to go down, welcome to me feeling like a dildo. I know an awful lot of women who lick their fingers clean after masturbating, so I guess that makes me an especially grungy dildo. And it isn't just about reciprocity, either - I hate those situations where "A won't do X sex act, so I guess B shouldn't do it, either." In the Venn diagram of naughty time, unions of sets are a lot better than intersections.
I've been with those who went down with some enthusiasm, with coaxing, and not at all. If someone isn't into it, well, I guess they aren't, but it translates to me not feeling like they're into me, either. I know a lot of women will call foul on that point: too bad, it's how I feel. Imagine if your boyfriend said, "You know I love you, baby, but I'm just never going to hug you again."
I have no idea what the general consensus is - guys have a sometimes sad tendency to settle for whatever they can get. Factor that in.
posted by adipocere at 4:06 PM on April 20, 2007
"should I stick to the group of people whose genitalia I'd happily put my mouth around, especially given that such a group exists?"
This question is really odd to me (no offenseIf , anon -- just being honest). It's like me saying, "I'm not into Asian food, so should I only date Westerners?" I can't imagine conducting my romantic life this way: putting people into categories and then focusing on a particular category. I mean, I'm 100% hetero, but if I suddenly found myself attracted to a man, I wouldn't say, "he's not in my category, so I can't pursue it."
If I were you, I'd just life my life and let myself feel attraction to the people that attract me. If one of those people gets attracted back, then the two of you will deal with compatibility issues -- or not.
I know you're interested in general trends, but I don't get basing such a decision on general trends because people come in so many sexual flavors. Even if it turns out that 80% of men insist on blowjobs, that leaves an awful lot of men out there who are satisfied without them (or who don't like them). Why close yourself off to them?
I also think about it this way: many women (and men, of couse), like Hip-hop. I loath it. I can't be around it. Should I give up relationships with women?
Finally, what if you (God forbid) lost your ability to have sex. This does happen to people sometimes. In such circumstances, would you give up on relationships altogether? Granted, many partners would balk at a sexless relationship. But -- again -- it's a big world.
posted by grumblebee at 4:09 PM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
This question is really odd to me (no offenseIf , anon -- just being honest). It's like me saying, "I'm not into Asian food, so should I only date Westerners?" I can't imagine conducting my romantic life this way: putting people into categories and then focusing on a particular category. I mean, I'm 100% hetero, but if I suddenly found myself attracted to a man, I wouldn't say, "he's not in my category, so I can't pursue it."
If I were you, I'd just life my life and let myself feel attraction to the people that attract me. If one of those people gets attracted back, then the two of you will deal with compatibility issues -- or not.
I know you're interested in general trends, but I don't get basing such a decision on general trends because people come in so many sexual flavors. Even if it turns out that 80% of men insist on blowjobs, that leaves an awful lot of men out there who are satisfied without them (or who don't like them). Why close yourself off to them?
I also think about it this way: many women (and men, of couse), like Hip-hop. I loath it. I can't be around it. Should I give up relationships with women?
Finally, what if you (God forbid) lost your ability to have sex. This does happen to people sometimes. In such circumstances, would you give up on relationships altogether? Granted, many partners would balk at a sexless relationship. But -- again -- it's a big world.
posted by grumblebee at 4:09 PM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]
I suppose it boils down to "should I stick to the group of people whose genitalia I'd happily put my mouth around, especially given that such a group exists?"
Hell no. Sexual gratification comes in at least 32 flavours. You are not obligated to give blow jobs; your partners of any gender are not obligated to go down on you, either.
Just becase you might find the idea of a partner who won't go down on you intolerable doesn't mean every partner you'll ever encounter would feel the same.
There are no hard and fast rles in the sack. These things tend to work themselves out on a case-by-case basis, but there are plenty of women who date only men and don't go down on them, so I think you're way overthinking this just 'cause you can.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:15 PM on April 20, 2007
Hell no. Sexual gratification comes in at least 32 flavours. You are not obligated to give blow jobs; your partners of any gender are not obligated to go down on you, either.
Just becase you might find the idea of a partner who won't go down on you intolerable doesn't mean every partner you'll ever encounter would feel the same.
There are no hard and fast rles in the sack. These things tend to work themselves out on a case-by-case basis, but there are plenty of women who date only men and don't go down on them, so I think you're way overthinking this just 'cause you can.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:15 PM on April 20, 2007
I think men who won't go down on women are weird. I think women who won't go down on men are weird.
posted by OmieWise at 7:00 PM on April 20, 2007
posted by OmieWise at 7:00 PM on April 20, 2007
Try kissing it once and see what happens. If you like it, keep trying. If not, don't.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:50 PM on April 20, 2007
posted by Ironmouth at 9:50 PM on April 20, 2007
I thought blowjobs were gross until I became more sexually experienced. After I did it a few times, I found that it really wasn't all that bad.
(it's the semen that bugs me, specifically the idea of something that's had semen on/in it being in my mouth.)
What about doing something like this then?
posted by whatideserve at 1:57 PM on April 21, 2007
(it's the semen that bugs me, specifically the idea of something that's had semen on/in it being in my mouth.)
What about doing something like this then?
posted by whatideserve at 1:57 PM on April 21, 2007
Nthing "don't knock it 'til you try it."
(it's the semen that bugs me, specifically the idea of something that's had semen on/in it being in my mouth.)
How about having semen in/on you? If you eventually get into a relationship where you don't use condoms, this will be an issue whether or not oral sex is involved. And then you'll get to join the many women who think the next day, "Hey, am I getting my period? That's odd... oh, no, wait, there was sex last night. Must be boy fluid."
If that's too gross for you, then:
a) condoms,
b) hot girl-on-girl action.
posted by heatherann at 2:59 PM on April 21, 2007
(it's the semen that bugs me, specifically the idea of something that's had semen on/in it being in my mouth.)
How about having semen in/on you? If you eventually get into a relationship where you don't use condoms, this will be an issue whether or not oral sex is involved. And then you'll get to join the many women who think the next day, "Hey, am I getting my period? That's odd... oh, no, wait, there was sex last night. Must be boy fluid."
If that's too gross for you, then:
a) condoms,
b) hot girl-on-girl action.
posted by heatherann at 2:59 PM on April 21, 2007
You called yourself a "virgin," and I'm going to assume that means you haven't had any serious sexual experiences with either men or women ... so I think you should just reserve judgment. Why do you need to decide whether you're going to "stick to women" right now? Just play it by ear -- if you run into a guy that you're really smitten with, approach it with an open mind. Let him know that you're not necessarily OK with the idea of giving him oral, and see what his reaction is. Probably he'll give you a chance -- I think most guys will, if you're okay with other aspects of hetero sex. (But think hard here about whether, if semen really does 'squick you out,' whether the idea of a guy ejaculating elsewhere in your body is likewise distasteful.)
Just be honest with your partners, male or female, and don't restrict you're future-partner pool unnecessarily. If you find a woman you want, by all means go for it, but don't write off men just yet either.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:06 PM on April 21, 2007
Just be honest with your partners, male or female, and don't restrict you're future-partner pool unnecessarily. If you find a woman you want, by all means go for it, but don't write off men just yet either.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:06 PM on April 21, 2007
Guys will talk about how much they love blowjobs, but if you press, you'll find that most guys feel like they've never actually had a great one. A big part of enjoying a bj is the giver's enthusiasm. If a woman does the deed but acts like it's just a job (pardon the pun), that'll show. The same can be said about any sexual act, by men or women--if your partner ain't into it, your own pleasure certainly decreases. Bottom line, blowjobs aren't "all that", and personally I think they're ok, but only great if my partner is really enthusiastic. You might be surprised that many guys would prefer a handjob over a blowjob.
I've been with women who didn't like to do oral, but I didn't hold it against them. We just did different things.
Don't focus on any particular act, or even either sex, but rather who turns you on. Go out and find someone to have sex with. Don't rush it, but don't put it on a pedestal as the be-all, end-all, either. It sounds like you're doing the latter already; try to reserve judgement on things until you try them.
posted by zardoz at 12:22 AM on April 24, 2007
I've been with women who didn't like to do oral, but I didn't hold it against them. We just did different things.
Don't focus on any particular act, or even either sex, but rather who turns you on. Go out and find someone to have sex with. Don't rush it, but don't put it on a pedestal as the be-all, end-all, either. It sounds like you're doing the latter already; try to reserve judgement on things until you try them.
posted by zardoz at 12:22 AM on April 24, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
A phrase that has been utterd by very many happly involved hetero women. Bj's are nice, but they are not required. If a particular man "requires" them then move on and find the next person (either gender who moves you.
posted by BeerGrin at 7:42 AM on April 20, 2007