How do I break up?

May 24, 2005 5:08 PM

How do I break up with a significant other? After 3 months, the relationship is no longer working out for me-- I find that spending time with my s/o has become tedious and not fun. S/o has become very clingy and needy. As a result, for me, the 'spark' just isn't there anymore. We had a long discussion where I aired some of my concerns...

I am certain that I want out of this relationship. But, I did agree to reconsider, so long as I had some time alone to think. Unfortunately, s/o's idea of "time alone" meant 6 hours. After this, s/o starting calling me incessantly (about every 15 minutes) and stopping by my apartment every couple of hours. Complications: we live in the same neighborhood only two blocks apart. We both just graduated from law school and are preparing to take the bar exam this summer. S/o said that s/o "needs me" in order to pass the bar exam. I don't know if I can be supportive enough while still preparing myself for the bar. S/o will be moving out of the neighborhood at the end of July. Should I wait until the end of July to break up with s/o? What can I do to maximize my ability to study without (too much) adversely affecting s/o's?

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

Wow. okay, I'm making the assumption based on stereotypes that you're a man and your SO is a woman.

You need to end this here and now. Her ability to pass the bar is not your responsibility. Not one iota. However, your ability to pass it is and this will most certainly impact your ability to study and pass.

I may catch flak for this, but I also think that you need to tell her why you're ending the relationship.

Take the "look, we discussed this, I've thought about it and I'm just not able to remain in this relationship and feel good about it" tack.
posted by FlamingBore at 5:21 PM on May 24, 2005

Just be really clear about it and make sure you tell her that there is nothing she can do to change your mind. Don't give her a sliver of hope. If she keeps saying stuff like "but we can work this out!" just stick to your guns and reply, "do you REALLY want to be with someone who has to be persuaded to be with you?" That line got a pesky ex out of my apartment.

Oh, and don't break up with her in your apartment. Her place or a public place.

And for God's sake, stop picking up the phone when she calls and don't answer the door when she comes by. She'll get the message eventually.

Be strong!
posted by elisabeth r at 5:23 PM on May 24, 2005

It's only been three months. That's barely a relationship. Just tell the person you'd like to move on. Let that person sort it out in whatever... unique way they choose.
posted by xmutex at 5:28 PM on May 24, 2005

If you're certain, then end it now. Neither of you wants something that will drag out through the summer and potentially end in a distracting scene/fight the weekend or week before the bar exam. I emphasize the exam mainly because your relationship is considerably shorter than the legal training you just completed.
posted by PY at 5:30 PM on May 24, 2005

You've only been dating 3 months? Your s/o doesn't "need" you to pass the bar exam. He/she needs some security blanket that this (short) relationship represents, and is creating (whether consciously or unconsciously) a drama in which your s/o is looking desperately for something (security? love? validation? an identity?) that you can't possibly provide.

You are not responsible for his/her passing the bar. (On preview: jinx, FlamingBore!) At this stage, all you owe him/her is a clear, firm message: "it is over, and I wish you well." Do not get pulled into this elaborate emotional calculus of your presence somehow being responsible for his/her study time, ability to pass the bar, etc. Because if you'll stick around this time, he/she will just try to get you to stick around come July for the next big hurdle he/she "needs you" to help him/her get through. And then it will be, what, September? And there's another drama you'll have to be present for. And then... you get the picture. Move on cleanly.
posted by scody at 5:32 PM on May 24, 2005

Three months?! Tell him/her/it to grow up.
posted by mischief at 5:34 PM on May 24, 2005

I hate to feel like I'm recycling a cliche, but you definitely have the right to say "I need some space".

Yeah, it's almost always going to be taken as a brush-off--like "It's not you, it's me..." but the fact remains that even if you thought you wanted to marry someone, you'd still have the right to say "I'm really feeling pressured, and there's no way I can do this while I'm feeling like I'm being pushed". If you wanted to be diplomatic, that would at least give you an intermediate step to move things to, before you cut things off.

That being said, it seems like you're clearly past that point. When it comes down to it, this is just one of the things we all need to do to grow. I don't think you need to be "diplomatic"--I think you need to be caring, but firm, and just tell her that you're not invested in the relationship any more. In all honesty, it probably won't be the last time you have to do this (or have it done to you), and caring but clear is definitely the best way to go.

(Oh yeah...and on double-preview, that whole "I need to you to pass the bar" thing is total crap. She can either pass it, or she can't, and passing it off on you is just more evidence for why you need to get out asap.)
posted by LairBob at 5:35 PM on May 24, 2005

Really - 3 months! Sounds like a future of painful neurotic torture. Break up, get drunk, go see a movie, then pass the bar and find somebody new.
posted by zaelic at 5:48 PM on May 24, 2005

Three months is only considered a relationship in highschool, and even there it's iffy.

It doesn't matter how you do it. If she can't handle the ending of a three month/12 weekend relationship she needs therapy. You also might want to look at what attracted you to such an unstable/needy person.
posted by justgary at 5:56 PM on May 24, 2005

elizabeth r has some good points. Also stick with I statements. "This isn't working for me" rather than "You're too clingy".
Don't wait, do it now & don't get sidetracked, keep coming back to the point. "I'm sorry, it just isn't working for me". Good luck.
posted by BoscosMom at 5:58 PM on May 24, 2005

it's fascinating that nearly everyone assumes the s/o is a woman.
posted by post_it_note at 6:12 PM on May 24, 2005

yeah, I know -- I'm surprised that I seem to be nearly alone in thinking that it's perfectly plausible that the clingy s/o is a man. Huh.
posted by scody at 6:14 PM on May 24, 2005

Do it now. Whether s/o passes the bar is not your responsibility. Anyway, putting it off until July would do more damage than good if I'm correct about the timing of the bar. Wouldn't the end of July exactly correspond to when the exam is given? Breaking it off now gives s/o a couple of months to get over it before the exam.
posted by Carbolic at 6:18 PM on May 24, 2005

Three months doesn't qualify as "significant other." Hell, y'all barely know each other.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:26 PM on May 24, 2005

Why not tell her she's too clingy? Not a bigfan of the whole fluffiness that people advocate in situations like this. If a SO is screwing up somewhere that could very well screw up future relationships, they should know! If you don't tell them, how are they going to know what they are doing wrong? Of course, telling them the exact details is NOT a vehicle for them to say, "Oh, I can fix that!" and you continue on, but rather so they know what to possibly fix for their future SO's.
posted by jmd82 at 6:39 PM on May 24, 2005

Do not wait. Leave now. S/he may be heartbroken, but there are many weeks before the bar exam for him/her to get over it. PY is correct to note that there's the potential for this to be very disruptive if you two break up closer to the exam.

Do let him/her know why the relationship is ending (the clingy behavior makes you uncomfortable) and that your decision is final. Cut off all contact. Tell the SO this so s/he will not be surprised when you won't talk on the street or answer the phone.

You don't need this shit while you are trying to study. Put yourself first.
posted by amber_dale at 6:40 PM on May 24, 2005

Anonymous, you received some excellent advice.

Remember - don't allow yourself to be manipulated by this person. YOUR well-being is most important. That person appears to be clingy and manipulative - and you will be called upon to give and give.

What about your needs?

Think of the years that you've studied - and now, in a few months you will take the bar exam. What could be a joyous occasion, as well as an important milestone in your life, is ursurped by someone else's clinginess.

Yes, by all means, break it up now. Tomorrow will only bring more of the same.

And, if this person is bothering you incessantly, why not move and not leave a forwarding address/phone#?

Do your friends know about this situation? Can they be of help?
posted by seawallrunner at 6:42 PM on May 24, 2005

scody - definitely not alone. I know some clingy men, at least one of whom handled a breakup in almost exactly this manner (incessant calling, "I need you", etc).

If you don't want to be in the relationship, you need to end it now. You're not doing your s/o any favors by waiting until July regardless of what claims the s/o makes. I also agree with those who have noted the manipulative aspect of your s/o's behavior - the bar won't be the end of it. The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be for both of you. Be gentle, but be honest and firm. Don't back down. You already reconsidered even though you knew you wanted out, and s/o hasn't been respectful of your need for space. You've done your part.

Good luck.
posted by Aster at 6:55 PM on May 24, 2005

My money says anon & SO are same-gendered.
posted by mischief at 7:05 PM on May 24, 2005

My money says that this may be the SO's first heartbreak. IME people often handle the first heartbreak badly, because it is unfamiliar and extremely sucky. But that's not your problem, anonymous. Right now you are heading into a bar exam, and that has to be your first priority- because you sure as hell don't want to be sitting for it a second time next February (I speak from experience here- I sat two states, California in July, and New York the following Feb., and I passed both, but jeeebus that time period from May to February sucked ass.) The next 10 weeks are about you doing what *you* need to do to pass the exam, period.

Find a new place to study where your soon-to-be-ex won't know where to find you. And when you are not studying, don't be at home- you need to let your hair down and de-stress during this time as well, so get out for as much exercise as you can, and take in a movie now and then. Just don't be around, because you have moved on.

Good luck.
posted by ambrosia at 7:41 PM on May 24, 2005

As someone who is also gearing up to take the bar, I cannot emphasize enough: DO IT NOW! If you wait until closer to the bar date, you will be distracted, and he/she will likely be stressed out, and therefore even more clingy. If you are sure that it's over, do s/o the favor of ending it. There's nothing worse than a boyfriend/girlfriend who holds on because he/she is too big of a wuss to end it. It makes the end of the relationship for the breakee (person broken up with) seem empty and deceptive, and (speaking from experience), can leave one feeling very bitter.
posted by elquien at 7:53 PM on May 24, 2005

I'm in the process of having a two-plus month relationship end - as the one being broken up with, I will second what most people here are saying: do it now, do it cleanly. Don't let the person persuade you to try again. Make it final - it hurts and sucks and there's no way to get around it, but it's better in the long run. And I'm saying this as the person this is happening TO.

And while many of you are correct in saying that a three month relationship isn't "long term", that doesn't automatically make it an easy thing to end. Have some empathy.
posted by bibbit at 8:27 PM on May 24, 2005

How do I break up with a significant other?

1) Go to your s/o's place. Do not do this at your place or in a public place. Have enough respect for your s/o to give them the news in a private location. You are not planning on being there more than 15 minutes, but make sure you go at a time when you know that your s/o doesn't have to leave immediately for work, school, etc.

2) Say what you're going to say. Don't be mean about it, but do be honest. Be very firm and final. Don't say anything that might be taken as an offer of ongoing friendship or that could be misinterpreted. ("I want out of this relationship" "I am no longer going to answer the phone when you call, so please do not call me" "I feel that I cannot provide enough emotional support for you"). Use only I statements (I think, I feel, I want, I will, I will not). Don't use "you" statements (you act, you feel, you want) or make any accusations of any kind.

3) No hugging. No kissing. If your (now former) s/o starts to cry, it will be a natural impulse to try and provide comfort. Resist the urge. No pats on the back, no physical contact of any kind.

4) Return any belongings of his/hers that you might have, but don't make it obvious that you have them with you when you first arrive. If possible, try to arrange for a mutual friend to retrieve anything that belongs to you at a later time. Don't make your s/o look for stuff of yours or watch you look for stuff.

5) Say you're sorry.

6) Say goodbye, and then leave. Again, this whole things should take no more than 15 minutes.

I disagree with many of the posters above -- three months is certainly long enough to form a degree of emotional attachment to someone.

Behave with class, tact, and respect for the other person and it will be less painful than it might be otherwise.
posted by anastasiav at 9:10 PM on May 24, 2005 [1 favorite]

Don't say anything that might be taken as an offer of ongoing friendship or that could be misinterpreted.

Anastasiav has got it, entirely. Leading s/o to think there is an unrealistic degee of hope is not only counterproductive for you, it is extremely cruel toward s/o.

And for god's sake, if you tell s/o "let's just be friends," and s/o subsequently bashes your skull in with the nearest blunt instrument, you deserved it. Don't do that.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 9:30 PM on May 24, 2005

My bet is its 2 guys. When do straight people ever take so much care to be gender neutral? Once upon a time, we counted time together for 2 guys different, like dog-years vs. people years.

If its 2 guys, then we're likely talking about a level of physical dependence (Its the sex, stupid). I can understand the need for a steady sex partner, facing a bar exam. I can understand clingy in a world where HIV is spreading at increasing rates again, in which case, clingy may be a very rational behavior!!!
posted by Goofyy at 11:43 PM on May 24, 2005

Best answer to anastasiav. I've had three-month relationships that were very intense and had painful breakups, so I sympathize. 15 minutes is about right--go in, do the deed, talk a bit, then leave. I had one girlfriend who wouldn't let me break up, gave me all sorts of reasons that we shouldn't, kept asking for another chance--finally I just had to walk in and say "I need to break up with you, and I need to do it tonight."

It'll be hard, there will be tears, but you already know what you need to do.
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:03 AM on May 25, 2005

Do all that stuff and then go out and get this baby here. That should help get across the fact that you now intend going solo.....
posted by Pressed Rat at 6:31 AM on May 25, 2005

Get out now. If you don't S/O will only find more way into manipulating you to stay longer. And the longer you postpone the breakup, the harder it will be.

Just treat it like a bandaid - pull it off quick. Sure, it'll hurt at first, but it's much better than tearing it off slowly.
posted by geeky at 7:07 AM on May 25, 2005

Well, this thread is rare for its unanimity.

I agree that you should make it clear that this is final, and you should be tactful and honest with him/her about why you are leaving so that he/she can work on his or her issues with neediness. I'll just add that you might soften this criticism a little by including something nice about the person if you honestly can - "You're a good-looking person" or "You're good in bed" or whatever. A little salve will go a long way towards healing the hurt you have to inflict.

And please don't assume the other person will be shattered at the departure of Irreplaceable You or blithely urge them to "Have a good one!" as you leave his/her apartment. Just be matter of fact, and don't make assumptions about or try to manage his or her emotions.
posted by orange swan at 7:28 AM on May 25, 2005

3 months = just break up. That's it.
posted by signal at 9:08 AM on May 25, 2005

The relationship is already over, that's pretty clear. Your options in terms of preserving your SO's mental health and hir ability to pass the bar on hir own are pretty limited.

In your situation, I would clearly express that I wanted to end the relationship completely and try to avoid all contact with the person. This is a heuristic based on my experience being a clingy/needy boyfriend as well on the other side of the coin.
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:00 PM on May 25, 2005