How can I do damage-control in this coworker situation, or should I?

July 17, 2011 4:33 AM

Some of my colleagues don't like or respect me. Now I'm applying for a transfer to another department which would be a promotion for me, although the role isn't as much of a promotion as people think because there's a long training period before any increase in level would be considered. I was warned that several of my colleagues are really up in arms that I've gotten an interview and I don't know how to handle it.

I've talked to my boss about my colleagues disliking me and he said it's because I always think I'm right and argue with everyone. Yes that sounds horrible and it's definitely partially true and I'm working to change it. There are also issues with other members of the department having difficult personalities. However because two of them are a couple and a third is their best friend it kind of comes down on me being the scapegoat. When I pointed this out to my boss his response was "I agree, it's complicated."

My boss was on holiday and when he comes back on Monday I need to tell him about the interview with the other department. Should I also address with my boss that this gossip is going on? Should I address it with the gossipers and tell them about the training period and lack of real promotion until it's completed?

I asked the person who warned me about all the talking behind my back whether he thinks they will go and spread negativity to the new department to try to prevent me getting the job. He didn't know. Preventing or minimizing this is my main concern.

posted by hazyjane to human relations (22 answers total)

I really don't think there is anything you can do about this.
posted by twblalock at 4:45 AM on July 17, 2011

Haters gonna hate. Nothing you can do about that; certainly not detailing the new job's requirements to them. Don't discuss it with your boss any further, just ignore it and focus on your work.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:55 AM on July 17, 2011 [1 favorite]

I should have mentioned that there are several other people outside the department but within the company applying for the new role and it's unlikely I'll get it, so it's highly probably I'll be working with the haters for the forseeable future.
posted by hazyjane at 4:57 AM on July 17, 2011

If your boss is smart, he will tell your co-workers that he's come up with a solution to the interpersonal conflicts on the team, and his solution is to suggest you apply for a position out of the department.

He'll tell them that it may not have been a good fit for you on this team, and that the lengthy training period for the new position would give that department an opportunity to assess the fit. They can fantasize that a bad fit would mean you don't ultimately get the promotion--but if I were the boss, I'd tell that that if you don't make the move to the new department, they'll all have to make some changes and make an effort to get along with you. Then it's in their best interest to see you promoted, off of the team.

But don't tell your boss to do this. Instead, tell him that you enjoy the work on his team, but you see this other department as an opportunity for you, and as a possible solution to the staff mismatch on the team. Then tell him that you think the word has spread within your team that you've applied, and that you hope the team members see this as a solution in their favor as well, and you hope they wouldn't do anything to hurt your chances, since this seems like a win win all around.
posted by vitabellosi at 4:59 AM on July 17, 2011 [6 favorites]

Also--early experiences in life promote the idea that being really smart is a good way to advance in life. In the workplace, this isn't true--it's almost never true. Arguing for your very smart viewpoint, ie., being right all the time, doesn't help you advance. In fact, letting other people think they are right is more likely to help you advance (after "being related to or friends with the right people" and "being exceedingly good looking").

You may think they hire people because they want your very insightful input--they may even tell you that when they hire you. But what your boss wants is for you to make him look good--not give "valuable" input.

It isn't fair....but in my experience, life at work gets easier when you learn this.
posted by vitabellosi at 5:10 AM on July 17, 2011 [32 favorites]

Just to ensure I'm reading this right:

*you work with three other people who are not nice to you and your supervisor is aware of it (and to some extent fairly blames you); and
*you've applied for a different position that you're pretty certain you're not going to get.

I can't see any reason to tell your boss that you're looking to leave their department. If your current situation is so unbearable that you want to move on, then I'd cast a pretty big net and start aggressively looking everywhere for a new position. I would only tell my boss that I'm leaving after I've accepted a new job and I'm giving my two week's notice.

I don't see any benefit in informing the boss that you're unhappy and you're looking. I can't see where that would help you professionally at all.

...and nobody ever wants to work with the person who is always right and argues their point. You need to learn to temper that.
posted by kinetic at 5:30 AM on July 17, 2011 [5 favorites]

Sorry to threadsit, I just want to point out that I'm required by the company to tell my boss I've applied for an internal vacancy. Yes I definitely realize now that the arguing thing has got to go and I will absolutely be working on that.
posted by hazyjane at 5:32 AM on July 17, 2011

I don't know your colleagues, but I wouldn't overestimate the energy they will put into this. In my experience, almost everybody gripes about coworkers behind their backs (sometimes even if they ostensibly "like" them), but to actually go to the new department and trash a job applicant would take more time, energy, and chutzpah than many people have to spare. When I had a coworker whom I absolutely could not stand, nearly every conversation I had with her made things worse, so it was better to keep talk to the barest minimum required to accomplish our work. Yet I still would not have interfered with her job prospects, especially if they would have taken her out of my office! So yeah, no further explanations needed to the colleagues.
posted by lily_bart at 5:38 AM on July 17, 2011

"I agree, it's complicated." = "I don't actually agree with you, but I recognize that saying so will get us nowhere."
posted by anaelith at 5:40 AM on July 17, 2011 [13 favorites]

Anaelith, that is only so if one assumes the boss is unsympathetic. Absence evidence of that, the situation could indeed simple be complicated from the bosses perspective.
posted by oddman at 6:54 AM on July 17, 2011

You're required to tell your boss. Tell your boss. Your colleagues, though.. it's none of their business. And "addressing the issue" with them is probably just going to create more drama (not to mention alerting them to the fact that they have an opportunity to mess with your career).

So - tell boss. Do not tell colleagues. And get to work on those interpersonal skills! Good for you.
posted by media_itoku at 7:21 AM on July 17, 2011

I have been in a similar situation--not so much leaving the department, but working with difficult/malicious coworkers and also thinking that I needed to argue every "wrong" thing I saw. Here is what helped me (and some touch on it above):

1. Recognise that your job is to make your boss's life easier. Full stop. S/he is the boss and has many responsibilities, many of which get delegated down to you, his/her underlings. If the boss asks you to do something, you do it. If there is petty gossip going on amongst your colleagues, do not waste the boss's time with it. That does not make his/her life easier, and even though your colleagues are the problem, to the boss, YOU are the problem because you are the one making it his/her problem. (This obviously does not apply to colleagues' actions that break the law or company policy. You want to let the boss know about those.)

2. Completely remove yourself from the gossip. I used to think that I was being collegial when I just sat with colleagues and listened to them gossip, but didn't contribute myself. Not so. I was involving myself even by just listening. What I started doing was focusing myself completely on my work. I was polite to coworkers, helped/contributed when asked--but when the conversation turned to gossip, I politely excused myself and got back to work. It was hard--because I have to admit that I rather enjoyed knowing the dirt--but ultimately it helped me a lot.

3. Do not offer your opinion/assistance unless asked. I still have trouble with this, because I work in an open plan office and when I hear coworkers grappling with something that I know the answer to, I want to jump in. But now, unless it is something that is going to cost the company serious $$, matter of life/death, etc, I keep my mouth shut and focus on my work. They will either figure it out, make a mistake and live with consequences, or ask me for help. By only contributing when asked, I look helpful and knowledgeable rather than like a busybody know-it-all.

Good luck. It is incredibly difficult to work in an environment like the one you've described, but hopefully the above will make it easier.
posted by catwoman429 at 7:56 AM on July 17, 2011 [15 favorites]

I don't know your colleagues, but I wouldn't overestimate the energy they will put into this.

Seconding this. If they know you are applying for a position outside the department, and they don't like you, they are hoping you get that position. Most people aren't so spiteful as to want to sabotage your chances - especially if it means they get what they want (not to listen to you being a know-it-all). I have personally hated working with people and am absolutely thrilled when they get a great job somewhere else - it's not that I don't want them to be happy - I just don't want to work with them. Most other people I know have the same attitude. No one wants the bad karma of actually sabotaging someone just because they are not great to work with.

he said it's because I always think I'm right and argue with everyone.

Yeah, stop this immediately. No one will like you at work if you do this - literally no one. It has nothing to do with how awesome you are as a person (I'm sure you are) this is horrible work behavior that will only hold you back more in the future. It's actually OK to think you are right (most people do, after all) but the arguing with everyone about it is horrendous. Rather than arguing, figure out how to convince others you are right without arguing. A rational argument has its place at work, but you won't be able to use it with people who completely don't agree with you. Practice the art of convincing others it was their idea OR an idea you came up with together while brainstorming (best, because you still get some credit).

And I imagine if this is your behavior in general you also aren't a great listener - start working on being an active listener. People can always tell if you are actually listening, or just waiting to talk, and the former is going to win you more friends at work.

And just one comment on gossip - I know everyone says it's awful at work - but my experience is that you would definitely rather be in the grapevine than not. I have had both experiences and I vastly prefer knowing what is going on informally (sometimes true, sometimes not). You just don't want to become that person who is known for having a big mouth. Basically, you want to be told what is going on (and share when it's appropriate) but also know how to keep a secret for people.
posted by rainydayfilms at 8:34 AM on July 17, 2011

I meant the info in the grapevine is sometimes true, sometimes just crazy rumors. Either way, it's useful to know what people are talking about. Don't be naive about the informal information networks.
posted by rainydayfilms at 8:36 AM on July 17, 2011

If they know you are applying for a position outside the department, and they don't like you, they are hoping you get that position.

Very true.

Also, if you have a reputation as a know-it-all, keep in mind that most managers are looking at personality by the time they're doing in-person interviews. They've already screened for skills and want to make sure the person they bring on will be a good fit. So rather than (or in addition to) talking about how much you know, focus on finding out what you can about the culture in the new job and tailor your answers to show that you can adapt.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 9:13 AM on July 17, 2011

Thanks for all the answers. At the risk of appearing argumentative (heh), I have to say that knowing these people I'm not sure they do want me to move on. I actually think they like having a scapegoat that they can blame for everything that goes wrong in the department. If I'm the worst employee in the department then by definition they can't be which is very reassuring to them. These are very insecure people, one of whom has some real mental health issues. So even though it sounds quite perverse, I think at least a couple of them would prefer me to stay.

I do think there's only one person of the group who's crazy enough to try to sabotage me, but I'm guessing she won't get far with that because she's quite easy to spot as being not quite right in the head so I don't think anyone will listen to her.

You may think they hire people because they want your very insightful input--they may even tell you that when they hire you. But what your boss wants is for you to make him look good--not give "valuable" input.

This is exactly the mistake I'd been making. I just wish I had learned the truth of this sooner or I wouldn't be in this situation.
posted by hazyjane at 9:25 AM on July 17, 2011

I worked in a department just like yours, and they all spent quite a lot of time sabotaging my efforts to get out because it would take too long to train a new person and it would inconvenience them.

So this is how I got out. This advice is based on your assumption you may not get this job, but to help you get another one.

I networked like crazy outside of the department, making sure not to tell anyone in the department and avoiding any ways that they might find out. No lunches in the building to learn about other teams - we went out to eat to do informational interviews. That didn't always work, because sometimes the person I wanted to talk to would contact my boss and peers and get told whatever they told people that made other departments think I had leprosy, but it's a numbers game, so keep trying.

I listened to all the gossip, but didn't ever contribute to it. I was Switzerland in their unending petty crusades against each other. I did not share a single thing about myself or my career goals with my coworkers. They hate you, you know it, so don't give them ammunition. Don't tell them about your interview. If they ask, shrug and do your best to say as little as possible.

I gave my ideas about improvements to other people to present, buying their goodwill, but otherwise I stopped presenting my ideas and stopped making suggestions. It was pretty clear that they were happy doing things the way they'd been done forever, so what was the point of trying to change them?

Once I'd built up an outside network, I used those people as my references. The thing that got me out of that environment was the fact that I had all these glowing references from people I'd worked with in other departments, but my own boss slagged me. It made a strange contrast, so I got my interview because my current boss wanted to figure out what was up.

If you have to tell your boss, play up how regretful you are about exploring other opportunities because you've learned so much in your current role (you have, just not good things), but that you need to develop skills to keep your portfolio fresh. Some office-speak like that. Remember that your boss is more than likely gossiping with your coworkers, because in my experience a real boss would not have such an incestuous mess of direct reports (other than you), so don't tell your boss anything you don't want him repeating to them. That last assumption may be based on me being in the US - things may be different where you are.

Getting out is all about persistence. It's tough - I've been there. Just keep plugging away and eventually you'll escape.
posted by winna at 11:13 AM on July 17, 2011 [8 favorites]

I have to say that knowing these people I'm not sure they do want me to move on. I actually think they like having a scapegoat that they can blame for everything that goes wrong in the department.

Undoubtedly true, but not your problem. As soon as you leave, they'll find someone else to disparage. People like that always do, but just know that somewhere out there there is a work environment where ideas are appreciated and leadership skills are encouraged.
posted by kinetic at 11:17 AM on July 17, 2011

Bosses don't like office drama. So, the most profitable relationships can be had by not bringing drama to them, unless you must do so because your position includes an aspect of due diligence.

Moreover: If a drama involves you, you must consider that it will either be resolved through action, or due to inevitable gradual shifts in workforce. A tiny percentage of workplace dramas are in fact resolved through somebody's action; that action would typically be inspired and socially deft, and perhaps risky.

In a vast majority of cases, any action taken in the context of a drama will fail to resolve it, and simply become another part of that drama's narrative. The drama will end when one or more of the participants exits due to transfer or termination, voluntary or in-. This will happen eventually, because turnover is a thing.

In conclusion, unless you are prone to inspired and deft social moves that tend to resolve situations (hint: if you argue a lot, this does not describe you), there is little to be gained by discussing the situation with your bosses or the involved coworkers (bitching to friends is fine).

The situation will pass, and requires no action on your part to do so. You do have some influence over whether you leave it or someone else does, by seeking promotions, transfers, or other opportunities, on the one hand, or being patient, on the other. Or maybe somebody else's brilliant social move will fix it; you never know.
posted by longtime_lurker at 4:36 PM on July 17, 2011

One other potential route to resolution of drama I should have mentioned is that everybody gradually forgets aboutr. Time smooths away rough edges of relationships, people become accustomed to each other, learn personal details that humanize each other...this just happens sometimes, and drama fades.
posted by longtime_lurker at 4:43 PM on July 17, 2011

Screw them, for lack of better words. I agree haters are gonna hate and you can't change that. Let them think your getting a big fat raise, let them be jealous, heck be proud that they are! You obviously have more to offer than they do and that is hardly your problem.
posted by Pork n Beans at 6:01 PM on July 17, 2011

I just thought I'd update this and say I got the job. I've been in my new role over 6 months now and it's fabulous. My new coworkers are great and we get along brilliantly - probably thanks in part to the advice in this thread. I've kept a lot of things in mind about really listening to other people, not trying to be right all the time, and making my boss look good. It's helped immensely, so thank you all.
posted by hazyjane at 11:39 AM on May 3