Help me get along with my colleague
November 29, 2011 11:57 AM Subscribe
How do I avoid getting annoyed with my colleague? I feel he's trying to make me look small in front of the boss.
My new colleague and I were recruited at the same time to do the same job, but I am a trainee while he has a lot more experience and, while he's new in this particular job, he is not a trainee.
We sometimes work together with him as "lead" and me shadowing him. On a recent project, he had overlooked something and when I pointed it out to him he thanked me and added it to his report. When the boss praised him for catching it, right in front of me, he simply said "thank you" without mentioning that actually I'm the one who caught the error. Was this a dick move on his part? I know if I'd have been in his shoes I'd have given credit where it was due, but I'm thinking it was only a small slight on his part.
Then today he was giving a training session to me and another person and he immediately started out by firing all these questions at me, some of which were about topics that I had never been introduced to before and couldn't be expected to know. I didn't get the first one, I did get the second one, and on the third one I turned to the boss and said "is the whole training going to consist of this" in a sarcastic/joking way. My colleague said "fine" and then started presenting in a normal way. I feel he did this "interrogation" in order to make me look small in front of our boss who was also in the room. He didn't fire any questions at the other person in the training session.
I've had problems in the past with colleagues thinking I can be bossy and argumentative (on my last team I disagreed with the way they were approaching one large project and told them so) so I'm very, very anxious to get along with this guy and everyone else on the team. To that end I want to proceed in a way that smooths things over as much as possible. I don't have to like this colleague but I do need to get along with him. Up until this week he and I had gotten along pretty well.
So my questions: 1. Am I over-reacting and being too sensitive? 2. How can I turn this relationship around and make my dealings with this guy more positive?
My new colleague and I were recruited at the same time to do the same job, but I am a trainee while he has a lot more experience and, while he's new in this particular job, he is not a trainee.
We sometimes work together with him as "lead" and me shadowing him. On a recent project, he had overlooked something and when I pointed it out to him he thanked me and added it to his report. When the boss praised him for catching it, right in front of me, he simply said "thank you" without mentioning that actually I'm the one who caught the error. Was this a dick move on his part? I know if I'd have been in his shoes I'd have given credit where it was due, but I'm thinking it was only a small slight on his part.
Then today he was giving a training session to me and another person and he immediately started out by firing all these questions at me, some of which were about topics that I had never been introduced to before and couldn't be expected to know. I didn't get the first one, I did get the second one, and on the third one I turned to the boss and said "is the whole training going to consist of this" in a sarcastic/joking way. My colleague said "fine" and then started presenting in a normal way. I feel he did this "interrogation" in order to make me look small in front of our boss who was also in the room. He didn't fire any questions at the other person in the training session.
I've had problems in the past with colleagues thinking I can be bossy and argumentative (on my last team I disagreed with the way they were approaching one large project and told them so) so I'm very, very anxious to get along with this guy and everyone else on the team. To that end I want to proceed in a way that smooths things over as much as possible. I don't have to like this colleague but I do need to get along with him. Up until this week he and I had gotten along pretty well.
So my questions: 1. Am I over-reacting and being too sensitive? 2. How can I turn this relationship around and make my dealings with this guy more positive?
I don't think we can accurately comment on either case without knowing a whole lot more about the context. I would say, though, that you need to just talk these things over with the guy--especially the second instance (the questions being fired at you). Tell him that you found that unsettling and you weren't sure what he was trying to accomplish. It's possible that he was just trying to get a sense of what you did and didn't need to know--though why he would have fired them only at you and not at the other trainee, I can't say.
In any case, talk to him and see what he has to say.
posted by yoink at 12:05 PM on November 29, 2011
In any case, talk to him and see what he has to say.
posted by yoink at 12:05 PM on November 29, 2011
1. No. He is gunning for you. In his mind, it is him or you.
2. The only sure way to defuse this is to suck up to him, which will remove the threat for him. I personally would not do this. I'd take the less sure route, which is just not to react to him visibly, and also not to help him out (e.g. on his report.) Rather, do the best work you can for the boss. For example, re that report, next time I'd note the error privately, then politely and neutrally comment, "I was wondering about the impact of x"" when the report is being presented by him to the boss. The key here is, never engage with him. If he fires questions at you, look at the boss and ask, "Do you need me to answer these?"
Some people are not your friend, and they are not going to be. So polite disengagement is the route I choose.
posted by bearwife at 12:10 PM on November 29, 2011 [9 favorites]
2. The only sure way to defuse this is to suck up to him, which will remove the threat for him. I personally would not do this. I'd take the less sure route, which is just not to react to him visibly, and also not to help him out (e.g. on his report.) Rather, do the best work you can for the boss. For example, re that report, next time I'd note the error privately, then politely and neutrally comment, "I was wondering about the impact of x"" when the report is being presented by him to the boss. The key here is, never engage with him. If he fires questions at you, look at the boss and ask, "Do you need me to answer these?"
Some people are not your friend, and they are not going to be. So polite disengagement is the route I choose.
posted by bearwife at 12:10 PM on November 29, 2011 [9 favorites]
It is your bosses job, not yours, to manage relations within the team. While your colleague does sound like he's being unprofessional, it doesn't sound like he's making your work life untenable. If you have noticed his passive-aggressive behavior, then, trust me, so has your boss.
Continue to be polite and professional, keep your head down and work hard. If your colleague's behavior gets to the point where you can no longer continue to do so, this should be directly raised with your supervisor.
posted by smithsmith at 12:16 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
Continue to be polite and professional, keep your head down and work hard. If your colleague's behavior gets to the point where you can no longer continue to do so, this should be directly raised with your supervisor.
posted by smithsmith at 12:16 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
He sounds insecure, like he's trying to impress the boss with his training skill more than he's trying to undermine you. Not that it helps you, as he's not looking out for your feelings.
I'd be super calm and unruffled and work on establishing good relations with your other coworkers. Eventually you'll get out from under his thumb, and he might have a better attitude towards you then if he's no longer in Impressive Trainer mode.
posted by griselda at 12:37 PM on November 29, 2011
I'd be super calm and unruffled and work on establishing good relations with your other coworkers. Eventually you'll get out from under his thumb, and he might have a better attitude towards you then if he's no longer in Impressive Trainer mode.
posted by griselda at 12:37 PM on November 29, 2011
Remember that bully in school who used to try to make himself look good my publicly bashing the shy kids?
Sometimes those people carry those skills into adulthood. Instead of working really hard at their assigned project, trying to be a team player, and generally being a decent human being, they try to get ahead by constantly demonstrating that they are "better then everyone around them" (aka: bullying instead of accomplishing).
The nice thing about bullies is that most people have dealt with them in their youth and can detect when someone is trying to mask their insecurity with brutality.
Want to surpass him? Be really good at your job, make you boss look really good, and most of all, as bearwife mentioned do not help him unless it is required.
He will sink himself, just stand by and let him do it.
posted by Shouraku at 12:49 PM on November 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
Sometimes those people carry those skills into adulthood. Instead of working really hard at their assigned project, trying to be a team player, and generally being a decent human being, they try to get ahead by constantly demonstrating that they are "better then everyone around them" (aka: bullying instead of accomplishing).
The nice thing about bullies is that most people have dealt with them in their youth and can detect when someone is trying to mask their insecurity with brutality.
Want to surpass him? Be really good at your job, make you boss look really good, and most of all, as bearwife mentioned do not help him unless it is required.
He will sink himself, just stand by and let him do it.
posted by Shouraku at 12:49 PM on November 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
When the boss praised him for catching it, right in front of me, he simply said "thank you" without mentioning that actually I'm the one who caught the error. Was this a dick move on his part?
I'm going to disagree with ellF. Yes, it's absolutely a 'dick move', credit where credit is due.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 12:55 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm going to disagree with ellF. Yes, it's absolutely a 'dick move', credit where credit is due.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 12:55 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
Sounds to me like he's doing nothing but dick moves. Some people work off of making others look stupid and them being a 'genius'. It's up to the boss to determine if it's real or fake. I'd find another ally and get away from him.
posted by stormpooper at 1:13 PM on November 29, 2011
posted by stormpooper at 1:13 PM on November 29, 2011
When the boss praised him for catching it, right in front of me, he simply said "thank you" without mentioning that actually I'm the one who caught the error. Was this a dick move on his part?
----
I'm going to disagree with ellF. Yes, it's absolutely a 'dick move', credit where credit is due.
Dick move by intention, or (giving the benefit of the doubt) simply neglect. Either way, not cool.
I'm pretty non-confrontational, and in general do not seek credit or glory for things. But in this case, I would be on my toes.
If something like that happens again, there is a way to let the boss know you deserve credit without looking like a dick yourself. I've had to do it a few times. After the "thank you" and lack of credit by your co-worker, just smile and "humblebrag" about what you did.
Examples:
"Yeah, I was really lucky I saw that when I did. It would have been such a pain if I had missed it."
"That's an easy thing to overlook. I was only able to do that right because it's something I've overlooked so many times in the past."
posted by The Deej at 1:21 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
----
I'm going to disagree with ellF. Yes, it's absolutely a 'dick move', credit where credit is due.
Dick move by intention, or (giving the benefit of the doubt) simply neglect. Either way, not cool.
I'm pretty non-confrontational, and in general do not seek credit or glory for things. But in this case, I would be on my toes.
If something like that happens again, there is a way to let the boss know you deserve credit without looking like a dick yourself. I've had to do it a few times. After the "thank you" and lack of credit by your co-worker, just smile and "humblebrag" about what you did.
Examples:
"Yeah, I was really lucky I saw that when I did. It would have been such a pain if I had missed it."
"That's an easy thing to overlook. I was only able to do that right because it's something I've overlooked so many times in the past."
posted by The Deej at 1:21 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
Rather, do the best work you can for the boss. For example, re that report, next time I'd note the error privately, then politely and neutrally comment, "I was wondering about the impact of x"" when the report is being presented by him to the boss.
Now that would be indisputably a dick move. Please don't do this.
posted by yoink at 1:36 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
Now that would be indisputably a dick move. Please don't do this.
posted by yoink at 1:36 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
I work with someone like that. Learn a slightly fake polite smile, and use it often. You can comment by saying things like, Well, that line of questioning was an interesting way to start a meeting. Do good work, and document it. But most of all, learn to give yourself public credit for what you do. I'm not good at this, but I've watched people do it, and I'm trying. Other people are not going to recognize your exceptional work and praise you; you have to let them know what great work you do, let them know a lot.
posted by theora55 at 5:50 PM on November 29, 2011
posted by theora55 at 5:50 PM on November 29, 2011
A while ago I was working on a project and I was given a junior coworker to assist me, and keep the project moving while I took a few days off. I sat down with my coworker and explained where we were, and what needed to be done while I was away.
I got back from vacation to discover two things. The first, there was a slight mistake in my instructions, I had left something out, which he found, and corrected. I was happy about this. But the second thing was, he had totally misunderstood what I had wanted him to do, and even though he corrected my mistake, he fundamentally misunderstood what the goal of the project was.
I was the lead on the project, and I was the one that took the hit and took the blame for the project going from being on time, to being days behind. I did not pass the blame, I accepted it, and took the hit. I think I did thank him for the correction, but I spent more time covering the mistake and getting the project back on track rather than giving him public praise.
After that, whenever I worked with him, I made sure to ask him many questions, and made sure that we were on the same page. I may have come off as being a dick, but I was more interested in making sure that our task was very clear to us both, and make sure we were on the same page.
posted by MrPhilC at 7:18 PM on November 29, 2011
I got back from vacation to discover two things. The first, there was a slight mistake in my instructions, I had left something out, which he found, and corrected. I was happy about this. But the second thing was, he had totally misunderstood what I had wanted him to do, and even though he corrected my mistake, he fundamentally misunderstood what the goal of the project was.
I was the lead on the project, and I was the one that took the hit and took the blame for the project going from being on time, to being days behind. I did not pass the blame, I accepted it, and took the hit. I think I did thank him for the correction, but I spent more time covering the mistake and getting the project back on track rather than giving him public praise.
After that, whenever I worked with him, I made sure to ask him many questions, and made sure that we were on the same page. I may have come off as being a dick, but I was more interested in making sure that our task was very clear to us both, and make sure we were on the same page.
posted by MrPhilC at 7:18 PM on November 29, 2011
Both instances aren't cool, but the second issue stands out for me in the manner in which you responded.
...I turned to the boss and said "is the whole training going to consist of this" in a sarcastic/joking way.
Not so sure this was the best way to handle this. Sarcastic/joking when you don't know something comes off smartassed, and appealing to the boss rather than dealing directly with your coworker isn't good either. After the first question, the better response would have been to calmly and directly remind your coworker that he hadn't covered the subjects under discussion.
Disagreeing with your colleagues is not the same as being bossy and argumentative. Make sure you can lay out your reasons for disagreement in a rational and calm way, and then if they still aren't convinced, let it go. Pointing out a flaw or a misdirection clearly, logically, and dispassionately is good, and will remembered in a positive way when things go wrong, thus they will begin to trust your judgement, but hammering the point home and being argumentative will tend to make them just shut you out next time.
Assuming he is out to take you down, don't let this guy push your buttons. Be the consummate professional about things, and he'll be the one to look like the jerk.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:00 PM on November 29, 2011
...I turned to the boss and said "is the whole training going to consist of this" in a sarcastic/joking way.
Not so sure this was the best way to handle this. Sarcastic/joking when you don't know something comes off smartassed, and appealing to the boss rather than dealing directly with your coworker isn't good either. After the first question, the better response would have been to calmly and directly remind your coworker that he hadn't covered the subjects under discussion.
Disagreeing with your colleagues is not the same as being bossy and argumentative. Make sure you can lay out your reasons for disagreement in a rational and calm way, and then if they still aren't convinced, let it go. Pointing out a flaw or a misdirection clearly, logically, and dispassionately is good, and will remembered in a positive way when things go wrong, thus they will begin to trust your judgement, but hammering the point home and being argumentative will tend to make them just shut you out next time.
Assuming he is out to take you down, don't let this guy push your buttons. Be the consummate professional about things, and he'll be the one to look like the jerk.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:00 PM on November 29, 2011
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Not to me, no. Your job is to make your boss look good; this guy isn't your boss, but if you are a "trainee", you an the subordinate here (unless I'm misunderstanding your situation).
I feel he did this "interrogation" in order to make me look small in front of our boss who was also in the room.
Only reasonable way to turn this around is to grab coffee with him, and be non-confrontational while asking what's up.
posted by ellF at 12:03 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]