How can I stop being a know-it-all?

October 13, 2006 1:39 PM

How can I stop being a know-it-all?

People think that I am a know-it-all. My problem? I read a LOT, I research the heck out of things (new cities, vacations, requirements, etc.), I have a good memory AND I have a SO with the same problems. So, when someone asks a question out loud like, "Where can I get a bikini wax?" or "What statistics courses are offered that count for this requirement?" or "Why won't this computer boot?" I know already. And I WANT to help!

I just started a new PhD program and I tried to keep my mouth shut unless absolutely required, but I don't think that it is working. Today I went into another TA's class (to offer to carry his stuff, as his foot is broken) and the TA introduced me to his class as "This is K8t, if you need to know anything about anything, ask her." I was so embarrassed!

I want to be helpful but don't want people to not like me because of this! Please help me. (I realize that a lot of AskMeFites probably have a similar problem!)

posted by k8t to human relations (65 comments total)

What makes you think people don't like you?

I have friends that seem to know everything, and it doesn't bother me. The only thing I find bothersome is relentlessly correcting people. If you find yourself saying "Well, actually" a lot, maybe there's a problem; otherwise, it could be that you're overreacting.
posted by danb at 1:47 PM on October 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

I feel this way sometimes.

May I ask how old you are? Reason I ask is that this used to bother me more when I was younger (I'm 35 now). There's a difference between being an obnoxious know-it-all and being a person who's known for knowing a lot of stuff.

If you feel self conscious, try not piping up all the time about things. I know, easier said than done.

Think of it this way, if people you hang out with are mentioning that you know a lot of stuff to your face, they probably mean it in an approving way. Those that love us, and those whom we love, do so for our quirks as much as anything else, and this is one of your quirks. In time, you will come to accept who you are, quirks and all.

But again, it is possible to be an obnoxious know it all whom people can't stand. So don't be one.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 1:48 PM on October 13, 2006

Yes, can you elaborate exactly on what the problem is? The TA's introduction sounded friendly if perhaps a little awkward.
posted by vacapinta at 1:49 PM on October 13, 2006

As long as you aren't obnoxious about it (i.e. constantly correcting everything anyone says, no matter how insignificant the item), I seriously doubt anyone has a problem. It's part of who you are.

If it truly concerns you, you might learn to chill a bit. Learn to slow down and relax. Become quietly observant. You know...roll a fattie and mellow out.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:49 PM on October 13, 2006

I second danb's "Well, actually" disdain, it's not so much a "answering their question" than hijacking a conversation to tell about your own knowledge and so forth that people won't like. If you're genuinely answering unanswered questions, it's their problem =P
posted by jacobjacobs at 1:53 PM on October 13, 2006

Just please please please don't answer questions that are not asked of you. I had this person around me who, whenever they would hear a question asked in their general vicinity (of someone else) they'd just yell out an answer. It was totally obnoxious.
posted by xmutex at 1:54 PM on October 13, 2006

You're smart and friendly and great! Don't play dumb!
posted by thirteenkiller at 1:54 PM on October 13, 2006

Answers:

I'm 27. SO is 37.

No one has said anything TOO negative about it, but I have this weird feeling that people don't like know-it-alls. Maybe they don't?

And when the other TA did this introduction, it made me nervous because I BARELY know him and have maybe had 2 5 minute conversations with him, therefore people might be talking, right?

But within my own "class" / "cohort" - all 8 of these people just moved to this city. I've been here for 2 months and my boyfriend has been here for 10 months. And I've done an MA, so know a lot about how grad school works, they don't. This leaves for a lot of opportunities for me to say "Well, a lot of people think that Ralph's is the best for produce, but the farmers' market is on Tuesdays and Saturdays." or "It worked best for me to write summaries of each reading to study for my exams off of."

Another example or 3... the other day someone said "If only I could study a culture that doesn't have a written language..." and I said, "Oh, interestingly, there is a huge Romany movement on the internet where younger Roma are writing in Latin letters in what used to be an exclusively oral language." (Where the heck did I learn that?) or someone else said, "I want to study such-and-such?" and I said, "You might want to look in Pakistani in London..." And a 22-year-old classmate was in a long distance break up and I told her what it was like to be in a LD relationship with my boyfriend.

And I am always ALWAYS super conscious about being polite about knowing stuff AND if someone says, "Geez, how do you know that?" I blush and say "Well, I've been here for 2 months" or "I am a big nerd" or "I read a lot."
posted by k8t at 1:57 PM on October 13, 2006

Thirteenkiller, wouldn't it be funny to mark that as best answer? ;)
posted by k8t at 1:58 PM on October 13, 2006

Before you pipe up with your know-it-all info, be sure the the recipient actually wants to know it. Were they just thinking out loud? Did they really want an answer?

Also, do you phrase your answer in a suggestive and polite way? (upon preview I see that you do) Some people need to be coddled, they need to not feel dumb that they didn't know the answer.

Fact is, if you want people to like you, you kinda have to play to them. People are insecure.
posted by bobobox at 2:00 PM on October 13, 2006

I like Thirteenkiller's answer.

I don't think you're doing anything too terribly wrong. So long as that isn't your dominant personality characteristic... I mean, you do have normal social conversations with these people, correct? Ones where you aren't spouting esoteric and obscure bits of knowledge at the drop of a hat? If not, that's all you need to do and you'll be fine. Someone asks you a direct question or is having a one-on-one conversation with you about something, spout away.

At least until their eyes glaze over. =)
posted by empyrean at 2:09 PM on October 13, 2006

k8t

I love meeting people like you. It's really fun. Sounds to me like you're careful of people's egos, and don't take over conversations, so, just be yourself.

I think I'm a little similar and in my last job, there were two reactions - one, a little negative from the admin team because it was such a small team and some felt very strongly about the us/them thing with the academics - admin were often condescending - oh yes, very smart but no real world knowledge, and the other, the academics, who would usually say, oh b33j will know, let's go ask her, or give me their papers to edit or whatever.

So, if you are being obnoxious in the eyes of some people, well, I think if those sort of people think I'm obnoxious, then that's good!
posted by b33j at 2:14 PM on October 13, 2006

k8t, you're just fine. You are a precious resource and a great source of information and you can present that information in a non-threatening way. It's a rare gift, don't ever change.
(Or, what thirteenkiller said)
posted by Floydd at 2:14 PM on October 13, 2006

It's hard to tell the difference between boggled silence and shamed silence. Just keep being nice as possible.

That said, stay away from stating things as fact unless they are. "I like the Farmers' Market," or "I bet you'd dig the Farmers'" are superior to "The Farmers' Market has the best produce. This is also foot-in-mouth vaccine.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:24 PM on October 13, 2006

I think the only know-it-alls people dislike are those who are arrogant about it and you seem FAR from being like that. Though I agree with bobobox; try to think about whether they want to hear what you know before you tell them.

I can understand you though; I tend to read a lot and I love discussing those things which no one else cares about :(. People I know like us typically feel quite out of place as no one shares our desire for knowledge. This might be the reason why you have that weird feeling. It's not that they dislike you; it's that you're not like them. I am a big fan of Myers-Briggs Jung Typology. If you've ever taken a test, I bet you're a conceptualist. You can read about your type here. It helped me understand that everyone is different and that's not so terrible a thing at all :).
posted by pinksoftsoap at 2:27 PM on October 13, 2006

k8t, the very fact that you are self-conscious of being a know-it-all most likely means that you're not. The obnoxious types of know-it-alls aren't generally aware of how obnoxious they're being. It sounds to me like you're inquisitive and knowledgable (both good things!) and thus you're the perfect prototype for AskMefi!
posted by meerkatty at 2:28 PM on October 13, 2006

k8t you came to the right place. Half of us are know it alls. And the other half think we are.
posted by mono blanco at 2:32 PM on October 13, 2006

The problem with know-it-alls is that more often than not they're not answering the "right" question even if they're answering the question that was asked. This makes them insufferable and a major distraction. Try to understand that many times when somebody asks a question they're usually just thinking out loud. What they want is not an answer but a conversation. The next time somebody tosses out a question instead of racing to fire some answer back at them and "win", respond with another question. Toss questions back and forth and then, if you have a feeling you really know what the person is looking for, offer a suggestion. If you do this you'll quickly gain a reputation as somebody who's helpful and intelligent and not a brash "know-it-all."
posted by nixerman at 2:41 PM on October 13, 2006 [3 favorites]

I work w/ a know-it-all and he does not handle his information well. I'm very introverted to boot, but I've now chosen to withhold all information about myself from him b/c he'll pipe into a lengthy 'expert' opinion on whatever.

Perhaps the distinction is if you're using your knowledge for the education of the listener or if you're using the knowledge to make yourself sound smart and/or as an excuse to talk about yourself. This coworker falls into the later category but would surely describe himself in the first group; he genuinely thinks people want to hear his lengthy “expert” lessons but most do not (slowly walk away during the speech, try to change subject, etc.)
posted by jacobjacobs at 2:42 PM on October 13, 2006

By and large, I agree with everyone here who says that you're fine, that you don't need to change, and that you probably come off as knowledgeable and enthusiastic (which are positive!) rather than know-it-all-ish, at least to anyone with an opinion worth caring about.

That said, the one slight, slight suggestion I have is prompted by your statement: "[I] know a lot about how grad school works, they don't.... 'It worked best for me to write summaries of each reading to study for my exams off of.'" My suggestion is, be careful of making statements that assume the applicability of your knowledge or experience to someone else's situation. As a strict logical matter, that was just a description of your own study technique, but I can see how it might seem to contain an underlying assumption that this will work for others as well, which could come off as somewhat arrogant or narcissistic.

But insofar as people consider you an expert in your field and a general fount of knowledge... nothin' wrong with that.
posted by rkent at 2:45 PM on October 13, 2006

You come across well in the way you've described yourself, and not obnoxious. Obnoxious know-it-alls are the ones who have one or more of the following characteristics in addition to knowing a lot of stuff: 1) they cannot be gracious about being wrong, 2) they are dismissive of the few topics/areas that they don't know much about, and 3) they are so eager to jump in and answer that it creates distracting noise and seems to cut off or silence others who know as much or more.
posted by PY at 2:53 PM on October 13, 2006

nixerman has it best imho. Distinguish b/t conversations and questions and you will be fine.
posted by jacobjacobs at 2:56 PM on October 13, 2006

I used to harass my brother-in-law about having the (correct) answer for everything. He claimed it was due to extensive reading and a photographic memory. I came to realize his intelligence is an asset to me.... it's nice to have someone quote you building code for plumbing and electrical at 11 PM at night while working on a late Home Improvement project, or recite

As long as you are polite and not condescending in delivery, people who are put off by your intelligence have their own issues they need to deal with.

I think some people confuse intelligence (knowledge of facts, ability to reason) with intellect (exercising reason, interpretation of knowledge). Intellectuals can be a put off because it's not so easy for most to divide their perception/interpretation from knowledge.
posted by tdischino at 3:10 PM on October 13, 2006

bah, first comment, and I screw it up.

Home Improvement project, or recite.
posted by tdischino at 3:11 PM on October 13, 2006

I envy your depth of knowledge, and based on your description I don't think you have much to worry about. My two cents: don't answer questions people don't ask, and don't offer information people don't necessarily care about.

If someone's talking about, say, how much they like the new Ford Mustang, don't offer up a history of the Edsel as background for why things with Ford are the way they are today, unless somebody specifically asks about the history of Ford.

And, as others have said, be gracious about being wrong, and concede points now and again rather than descend into pedantry for the sake of being correct, and you'll be golden.
posted by pdb at 3:14 PM on October 13, 2006

I have no idea how the people in this thread know that you're just fine. I've certainly liked what I've read by you, and your attitude, here on MetaFilter, but I don't know how that translates in real life. So, I'll answer the question.

1) Leave plenty of room for other people to answer questions people ask. You say that you want to help people, which is always great, but one of the things that tends to make a person a know-it-all is the perception that what they want most is to be known to know the answer. If you wait several conversational beats before answering it allows other people to offer help, too.

2) The advice about question vs. conversation is very good, and can be expanded upon if you remember that the real world is not AskMe. Of course you know that, but there is a tendency here, in some cases, to answer the question that people probably should have asked rather than the one that they asked, or to expand on the answer to their question to take into account the next day, week, month and year of expectations related to their question. In conversation those things come naturally, or they don't come at all. Answering beyond the question makes people seem like know-it-alls because they are claiming to not only know the answer asked for, but the questions which have not been asked yet.

3) Keep in mind that there's a difference between opinion and fact, especially in matters where your experience outstrips that of your audience. This is important because of the same problem of assumed knowledge as above.

I'm certainly not suggesting that any of those things are things that you do, nor am I suggesting that people think you're a know-it-all if you do do those things. But paying attention to those kinds of things might help if you're worried.
posted by OmieWise at 3:18 PM on October 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

Well ... if your were truly a know-it-all you wouldn't be asking this question. Ergo you are only a know-it-almost all. ;-)

That being said, I agree with what nixerman said. If the question can be answered with empirical data, answer it.
If not, then listen. Ask questions. Engage the person in a conversation. Lead them to an understanding of what their 'gut' is telling them. Then (if appropriate) offer alternatives.

You are no know-it-all. You are a thoughtful, intelligent, caring person who has enough sense to question herself. That's a very good place to be in.
posted by w_boodle at 3:19 PM on October 13, 2006

I think it's worth considering that you might be coming across as a little bit too perky and earnest to be seen as "one of the guys". I'm not saying that you need to stop being the one with the perfect notes who cooks with fresh reasonably-priced produce every day, has the course requirements memorized and can be relied upon to help out the TA with the busted foot, but if you can learn to relax sometimes as well people will be more comfortable around you.

More specific suggestion: do try to make recommendations that are appropriate for the person you're talking to. In particular, learn to recognise when people barely have their shit together (this is most people, most of the time as far as I can tell) and be aware that things that seem easy to you will seem inordinately effortful to them. Don't be like those TV chefs who talk incessantly about how simple the dish is without recognising that for many people, simple means 5 minutes in the microwave and that if they do much more than that they want to be able to take some pride in it.
posted by teleskiving at 3:24 PM on October 13, 2006

I have friends that seem to know everything, and it doesn't bother me. The only thing I find bothersome is relentlessly correcting people. If you find yourself saying "Well, actually" a lot, maybe there's a problem; otherwise, it could be that you're overreacting.

Seconding this.

I get described by some as "knows a lot" too. Sometimes i find it helpful to comically characterize this with a "nahh, only the weird minutiae of [list a few particular interests]."

Regarding whether this is a positive or negative atitribute: In my office I'm somewhat known for is being happy to help with software problems or whatever, or knowing who handles what, or remember some detail of a meeting. Remember that if people come ask your advice, and you've previously piped up with help/answers, it's nice to cheefully make time for them when they ask.
posted by desuetude at 3:32 PM on October 13, 2006

There is probably always going to be just a bit of low-grade resentment of you, stemming from envy. But very low-grade if you aren't always shooting your mouth off and correcting people as others have said here. People just wish they knew as much as you and that can sting a little.

My dad seems to know everything. I mean everything. He would kick everybody's ass on Jeopardy. I'm lucky he's getting older and technology is moving so fast, because it means there's finally one subject where I know a little more than he does and can actually explain some things to him that he didn't know (wait a minute... I wonder if he's faking just to make me feel good?!).

He's very discreet and isn't always correcting people or hijacking conversations. He's a great listener and often won't chip in with his massive knowledge because I think he sees how it sometimes affects people. He could say something but just watches it unfold without him. But growing up I always kind of had this annoyed envy of him. He wasn't doing anything wrong but it just made me wish I was smarter and more knowledgeable and it made me feel inadequate that I wasn't.

That's a self-centered problem, a bit childish of me, and is tied up with the bad variety of pride. But it's a reality, and I think it's that way for a lot of people. So maybe just keep doing like you're doing and experiment with being quiet sometimes and always humble and genuine. No need to take a shot every time you have the ball. You shouldn't have to restrain yourself or play dumb or apologize for knowledge, but try to find a happy medium that keeps you from having to worry about whether people dislike you or worry whether you're annoying them. What you want is confidence and peace of mind in being who you are.
posted by kookoobirdz at 3:32 PM on October 13, 2006

It also sounds to me like you're handling things correctly. In your example where someone makes the statement "I want to study such-and-such?" I suppose you could preface your response with "I might have some ideas about that, if you're interested" before launching into a long detailed response but for the most part it just sounds like you're having a conversation in a perfectly normal fashion. What else would one say back to that someone....... "Oh, me too"........ "Good luck"? All you're doing is just keeping up a dialogue.

In my experience, people often like to have someone in their midst that they think can be depended upon to know stuff. I think I may be identified as a know it all by my friends, but in a completely appreciative fashion. For some reason, I get emails from friends asking about about stuff I really know nothing about but quite often they think I might since I *do* know lots of stupid stuff. I think what they realize about me, though, is that if I don't know something, I'll be totally interested in finding out the answer. I'm the local ad hoc reference librarian.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 3:34 PM on October 13, 2006

I'm told that God has this problem, too, k8t, and it has been suggested to me that I take his approach:

Shut up and wait for prayers.
posted by paulsc at 3:42 PM on October 13, 2006

you take a greater interest in what people are saying to you than in what you have to say to them. if people find you off-putting it more likely derives not from how much you know, but from your attitude, which I, at least, perceive as tremendously conceited.
posted by macinchik at 3:50 PM on October 13, 2006

There is a clear distinction between knowing the answer and answering authoritatively. I know a lot of answers, but I also have huge confidence and when I'm not sure of an answer, that will get lost in my authoritative delivery.

I've tried to cultivate "I don't know" or "why do you think that is?" instead.

Otherwise, be happy with who you are. If you want to be the woman at the information desk in "Airplane!" go right ahead. Sign up for Jeopardy and remember to share your winnings with me.

Sometimes these things are just part of who we are. There are three social groups I've been involved with who have all labeled me "MacGyver". It's not just the Swiss Army knife in my pocket (and I am happy to see you too, thanks), it's the natural/cultivated ability to see beyond the resources in front of me. Yes it can be annoying, but the time that it saves your bacon (which might very well be true in your case), it pays off.

And you know what, k8t-who-has-25%-more-answers-submitted-than-me, there are far, far, worse things for which one might have a reputation.
(PS - when you crossed 1K, did you get a plaque?)
posted by plinth at 3:52 PM on October 13, 2006

There's also a difference between conversation that is more about social exchange and conversation that is more about information exchange -- even though on the surface, they may actually be about the same topic.

For example, I'm extremely interested in the art and history of the last decades of the Austro-Hungarian Empire; what's more, I've probably read nearly everything in English regarding the obscure (in the U.S., at least) topic of the murder-suicide of Crown Prince Rudolf and his mistress. So when The Illusionist came out recently, I had a lot to say about it! But: I also realized that not everyone would be interested in my obsessive-compulsive level of knowledge about these things. So compare the following two conversations (based on actual exchanges I had with coworkers):

Person A: What did you do this weekend?
Me: I saw The Illusionist.
Person A: Oh, what did you think?
Me: I enjoyed it, in part because I'm really into that period of Austrian history.
Person A: Well, it sounds cool. I'll have to see it.
Me: [takes signal that Person A isn't interested in pursuing conversation; asks Person A about her weekend.]

versus this:

Person B: What did you do this weekend?
Me: I saw The Illusionist.
Person B: Oh, what did you think?
Me: I enjoyed it, in part because I'm really into that period of Austrian history.
Person B: Oh really? Was that what you studied in college? How accurate was the film?
Me: [takes signal that Person B is interested in pursuing conversation and mentions similarities and differences between fictional character of Leopold and Rudolf.]

In the first case, launching into a discussion of Austrian history with Person A would have been out of place; with person B, though, it appropriate, given his conversational opener. So -- as always! -- it's about listening as much as it is about speaking.
posted by scody at 4:44 PM on October 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

In my experience, you can get a lot of mileage out of phrasing your information as a question. "I hear the best produce around here is Ralphs!" "Have you tried the local farmers' market?"
posted by browse at 4:56 PM on October 13, 2006

a) don't believe the hype. you're not a know-it-all; no one is. There are endless things that you are clueless about. It can help to visit bigger (or just less familiar) ponds now and then to remind yourself just how little you know (has the side effect of increasing knowledge, but you can't pursue everything to same depth, so on balance keeps you honest). It's important not to believe the hype because that's exactly what makes someone who's knowledgable into someone who's annoying (because they think they're special for being knowledgable)

b) listen and interact. A conversation takes place between people, and is shaped by both (or all) parties. Information is one element of discussion, but not necessarily the most important element. Insights about the information, opinions or experiences relevant to it, jokes, stories, etc are all part of the interaction, and the most interesting people are the ones who have a solid ground of info in the background, but have their own ideas and thoughts in a conversation. The info can come out if it's relevant or asked for, but a stream of facts is not the goal of most conversations.

c) play it down a bit. self deprecating humor is good. giving credit to whoever's research or idea you're repeating is good (ie, if you know something because you read it somewhere). Differentiating between concrete info and opinion/strategy is good (ie, 'this method worked for me' vs. 'this is how you ought to do it').
posted by mdn at 5:34 PM on October 13, 2006

I think the only know-it-alls people dislike are those who are arrogant about it

This is like saying, "I think the only gorgeous models people have are the arrogant ones." Not true. Many people have low-self esteem about their looks (raises hand) and get angry at beautiful people. It's not fair, but feelings are feelings. Some people can't keep unfair feelings to themselves.

Many people have low-self esteem about their intelligence. Many people are competitive when it comes to intelligence. Some of them get angry at smart or knowledgeable people.

I think, when you have a skill -- whatever it is -- it's going to threaten most people. There's not much you can do about this, except go in the closet or accept it.

I do agree that as-long-as you're not arrogant, many people will like you and even enjoy your knowledge. But do know that there will always be some who won't.
posted by grumblebee at 5:58 PM on October 13, 2006

k8t, if I remember correctly it was you who googled me and dug up my resume to post in a thread of mine some months ago. That's a perfect example of someone being too smart, offerring too much information, without being asked, and coming off looking like a smug asshole. Absolutely inappropriate.

If that's the kind of thing you do often, then yes, you are a know-it-all. Don't do stuff like that - ask yourself "is this information really being asked for?" before pushing it out there.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:11 PM on October 13, 2006

When I was a little girl (and extreme know-it-all), my mother told me two things:
1. People don't always need to know everything I do.
2. Sometimes I should shut up and let other people answer questions.
I don't think she even remembers telling me but it made a big impact on me. #2 especially, because I've realized that if I'm always the one providing the answers then I may be depriving someone else of a chance to be "the smart one" or even just to feel good about themselves by being able to help someone. I hold back and save my bouts of know-it-all-ness for Trivial Pursuit.
posted by wallaby at 6:54 PM on October 13, 2006

Nothing really new to add but I just wanted to re-emphasize that it's not having and sharing the knowledge that is the (potential) problem. It's things like butting in, dominating/hijacking the conversation, being condescending, etc. Be careful to observe basic conversational ettiquette but don't feel that you must not share what you know.
posted by winston at 7:54 PM on October 13, 2006

you take a greater interest in what people are saying to you than in what you have to say to them. if people find you off-putting it more likely derives not from how much you know, but from your attitude, which I, at least, perceive as tremendously conceited.

+1 on this.

the fact that you felt in necessary in this thread to a) give us the age of your significant other (and therefore implictly tell us that you had a significant other) when the question was simply "how old are you?", and b) give us a list of examples of esoteric knowledge you have recently shared suggests to me in fact you quite enjoy being the centre of attention and a "know-it-all", and this very question itself is a means to draw attention to your (self-perceived) knowledge.
posted by modernnomad at 7:57 PM on October 13, 2006

First, if the TA was trying to be snarky, he isn't very good at it, is he? At least by MetaFilter standards.

Second, if he was complaining in this oblique way, he must be pretty insecure. Maybe he has a lot to be insecure about, feels threatened, and is trying to undermine your self confidence. Many insecure people try to keep everyone around them weak in this way.

Finally, isn't being a know-it-all a requirement for grad students? Shouldn't you know it all, at least in your field? You sound nice enough. Go with it until someone makes a more overt complaint.
posted by RussHy at 8:40 PM on October 13, 2006

Knowing everything isn't the problem, even if there is a problem. Since you seemed to ask for advice on your personal situation, this is mine. As someone who spends a lot of time on AskMe, more than most, I have to say there are times you come across like a know-it-all here. I will also add that there are many more times when you just come across like someone who knows the answer, helps people out with the answer and that's that.

I guess the question is, what's the difference between the first case and the second case? My guess is because you're used to being knowledgeable and informed, you may jump to the conclusion that you're a little more knowledgeable and informed than you actually are in certain cases. So, there have been a few questions here -- not a lot, but a few, and enough so I notice it -- where you chime in when your information isn't any more likely to be correct or helpful than anyone else's. Some sort of answer along the lines of "I don't really know, but try X!"

Lots of people do this and I'm only mentioning it because you asked, but my feeling is that because you're bright, you think your opions are helpful/valuable probably because you're often in situations where they are more helpful/valuable than the average person around you. There are probably places where that is not the case, where you're just as likely or possibly less likely to be helpful/valuable than the average other person. AskMe is probably one of those places and a PhD program is another.

So, while I think the TA actually was probably saying something nice and/or flattering, the fact that in this instance you feel like you were trying to keep your mouth shut and still got called on know-it-all-ness seems to show some sort of a disconnect between what you think you're doing and what is actually happening. So I'd start there. Why are people perceiving you differently than you think you're projecting yourself?

In short, I think there is know-it-all-ness and the sort of intelligence where you make the people around you feel better and smarter about themselves when you're around. Try to move more from type a to type b and see where that gets you.
posted by jessamyn at 8:43 PM on October 13, 2006

I don't know.

Seriously- don't worry about it. My girlfriend is a know-it-all (Harvard PhD, art historian, horticultural expert, landscape architect...) and I have learned so much from her in the past 2 years my brain is still overheating.

She's a gift from heaven. A treasure. I would agree with the previous post--I DO feel better about myself when she's around.
posted by wfc123 at 9:49 PM on October 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

The fact is you are probably not as smart as you think you are (none of us are), and the way to stop being a know it all is to realise that there are probably people around who know more about the particular subject than you do. A little humility will go a long way in curing this problem.

It's not about letting people be "the smart one," it's acknowledging that other people may actually be smarter than you.
posted by afu at 9:58 PM on October 13, 2006

Sounds like early-onset PhD syndrome. "I have a PhD, I must know everything in all areas of knowledge ever!"

Confusing metaphor ahead. Think of yourself as a tennis player with the gift of an amazing backhand. Your backhand is so good that you use it all the time and can win lots of matches. So in all the local matches you never bother to develop any part of your skills, and win a few tournaments until down the road you are completely trounced because you're helpless against someone's er... lob.¹ *blank stare*

Anyway, you probably enjoy the feelings of knowing and informing, a lot. And academics are encouraged to let the pursuit of that feeling seep into every aspect of their lives because the belief is that you need to corral every ounce of your brain towards the goal.

But you really don't. Try to win some matches without using your backhand. Try not to be miss helpful-knows-everything unless it directly pertains to your field of study/work (but in that case, let 'er rip). Find other ways of acting around people that are enjoyable -- even if they're never quite as enjoyable as just piping up with fun stuff from your brain. Don't be a one-note.

*Makes other psycho-babble farty sounds, wanders off*
posted by fleacircus at 9:59 PM on October 13, 2006

¹There is no 1.
posted by fleacircus at 10:00 PM on October 13, 2006

You seem really down to earth, friendly and good intentioned. I'm sure you're trying to be helpful and earnest to all those around you.

I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it might.

In the know it all dept:
You don't. You can't. The world is too big. Stop even believing the hype.

If you suspect that you may be percieved as a know it all, you probably are coming off just like that. And again, you're not a know it all. Likely, what you're likely doing is compensating for your self worth.

Now, there's a difference between being helpful, with your SO and your friends....and your 'not friends" (Students, advisors, strangers etc." They know who you are, and value you for other things. (Thats who you really should be asking this question to, y'know. Your 4 or 5 good friends who "know" you.)

You think you're being "helpful" and "selfless." Really, you are. But you may be percieved as being "Snotty and forceful."

Try, for awhile, not piping up unless someone specifically asks you your opinion. It's better to be known as 'helpful when asked' than 'forcing your knowledge down other's throats to be supergirl.' People will figure out you're supergirl anyway. But you'll be humble supergirl, not "shit, she's coming," supergirl.

please excuse the 'supergirl' sexism thing. It just sounds better than superwoman'
posted by filmgeek at 11:50 PM on October 13, 2006

Ask MeFi: 40 RSS feed of posts by k8t questions and 1043 answers

There's your problem right there. You could stop answering so many damn questions.

Oh, and instead of researching answers, just give gut reactions, like the most common sense answers. Like:

"Where can I get a bikini wax?"
"Try the phone book."

"Why won't the computer boot?"
"Have you tried pushing the 'on' button? I think they're usually in the back, and sometimes they're in the front"

People will stop asking you right quick.

In all honesty I think you're just always going to be the kind of person that people turn to. You're very knowledgeable and you like to help people. These aren't external behaviors, they're part of who you are. It's frustrating, but maybe embrace it. At least your most noticable quality isn't being perpetually late or socially inept.
posted by Deathalicious at 12:43 AM on October 14, 2006

Oh, and just to be clear, we don't hate you because you're a know-it-all. We hate you because you're a do-it-all.
posted by Deathalicious at 12:45 AM on October 14, 2006

I know a guy like this. It's not just that he makes suggestions, it's that thanks to a lot of experience in all sorts of fields he is usually correct.

It can be annoying, and gets more annoying every time it happens.

I think most people like trying out ways of doing things to work it out for themselves, or are happy doing something the way they like to, even if it's not quite the optimal way of doing it.
posted by tomble at 6:09 AM on October 14, 2006

I think it helps to know the difference between genuine questions and rhetorical thinking out loud.

If I'm bumbling along, fighting with my Chinese homework and say, "Jeez, I wish I could learn a language without a writing system," I want some sympathy because my Chinese homework is hard. I don't want to learn a language without a writing system- I want Chinese to be easier.

At a cocktail party, when someone says, "Oh yes, I studied Chinese in college- writing it was terribly difficult, wonder if there's any language that isn't." that's when you bust out the knowledge of a writing-free Romany being transliterated in Roman characters.

Know-it-all-ness tends to reside in a person's need to offer answers where no question has been asked. People chatter offhandedly all the time, so before you speak, ask yourself- are they just talking or do they really want to know?
posted by headspace at 6:32 AM on October 14, 2006

While I appreciate that the people saying "Don't worry, you're just fine!" are expressing a normal and praiseworthy human impulse, they're not really helping the poster, who perceives a problem and wants help with it.

I have this weird feeling that people don't like know-it-alls.

They don't, most of them. Like a lot of MeFites, I know more stuff (mostly useless) than the average bear, having spent my free time reading obsessively for many years, and I learned early on to adopt defensive techniques, most of which have been well covered above (kudos to nixerman, pdb, OmieWise, scody, and grumblebee, among others); basically, I don't turn on the spigot unless someone specifically asks. I have done things like give half-hour talks on the history of the Roman Empire and been sincerely thanked for it afterwards, because the person really wanted to know, but to get away with that you have to be very, very aware of social cues in general and the specific people you're talking with. But in general you should learn the techniques of Basic Phatic Communication (the much-despised "How are you? How're the kids?" style of talk) and save the knowledge sharing for special occasions.

Also, while some people are being a little mean about it, you should bear in mind that you may not have as many answers as you think you do. The older I get, the more aware I am of how tremendously much I don't know and will never know, and of how many things I think I know that I must be wrong about (because that's true of everyone). Focusing on those facts will help you achieve the proper balance. It's good to be seen as knowledgeable, not so good to be seen as a know-it-all.
posted by languagehat at 6:46 AM on October 14, 2006

There will, as grumblebee says, always be certain people who don't like you just because you know a lot of stuff.

Fuck 'em. Hang around with people who do like you.

Works for me.
posted by flabdablet at 7:57 AM on October 14, 2006

you're hanging out with the wrong people. hang with people who know more than you and can come out with it quicker, you'll soon learn to keep mum.
posted by londongeezer at 8:05 AM on October 14, 2006

in general you should learn the techniques of Basic Phatic Communication (the much-despised "How are you? How're the kids?" style of talk) and save the knowledge sharing for special occasions.

Ha, I hate the damn phatic talk. Never know where to go with it, never seems to have a point.

But, you know, I've survived just fine so far. I just only seem to end up with friends that I'm genuinely interested in, which is fine by me.

Anyone who gets put off you by you saying stuff isn't someone you really want to know. Do you really want to spend your life around people who don't want to think or talk beyond the end of their nose? I don't.
posted by reklaw at 8:44 AM on October 14, 2006

This is going to sound overly "Chicken Soup for the Soul," but: There's a way to interact with people that assumes they are your teachers, not your students.

I find I can trot out really bizarrely complicated arcane theories or histories to people without complaint (that is, they actively participate in the conversation) when my underlying attitude is something along the lines of a student having found some article and presenting it to her teacher in order to get the teacher's take on it. Not in a brown-nosing "Look how much reading I've done!" way, but in a "I find this really interesting, and I'd love to hear what your opinions on it are so that I can expand my own understanding."

For me, part of it is simply an enthusiastic delivery that (I think) lets the other person know I want to keep the conversation going, as opposed to a deadpan or tone-of-finality delivery that makes it sound like I've answered their question, so end of topic. There's a difference between "Ooooh! I've heard really good things about the salon on Sixth!" and "You should go to the salon on Sixth." The first makes it sound like you want to hear later on whether that worked out (so the person can expand your knowledge), the second can make it sound like you never want to discuss the topic again (you've given a final answer, so you no longer care about the other person's opinion).

I'm not sure if this is very clear -- it's hard to put down in writing. But it might be something to think about.
posted by occhiblu at 10:12 AM on October 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

I should add: I mean that you should want people's opinions on topics even if they seem to have no knowledge on the given topic. You'd be amazed how much other people can contribute to your understanding of the world, even if it's because they know something about some totally unrelated topic that just happens to plug in to what you're talking about, but neither of you have made that connection before.
posted by occhiblu at 10:14 AM on October 14, 2006

The older I get, the more aware I am of how tremendously much I don't know and will never know

Amen to that. I'm usually reading three books at once and listening to an audiobook at night, yet my ignorance is like a vast continent.

Make sure that when you're in a conversation, you ask as many questions as you answer. Since you're worried about coming across as a know-it-all, you might think about asking question even when you don't have a need to ask a question. This will subdue the impression that you're self-contained and don't need anything from anybody.

You can ALWAYS ask anyone a question. It doesn't have to be about Calculus or the Etruscans. (Secretly), I hate sports, but I was once trapped with a sports enthusiast, and I started asking him questions about football. Since I pay no attention to sports, my questions were really basic, like "I don't understand the rules. Can you explain them to me?" I can tell you: it made the guy I was talking to REALLY happy. He felt useful.

It's a little artificial, but you could set up a system where for every question you answer, you need to -- at some point that day -- ask one.

Be careful when you're asking that you don't start prodding people into an uncomfortable place. If you're like me, you find knowledge neutral (devoid of emotional connection) and the acquisition of it eternally delightful. These leaves you open to conversations like this:

You: so you're a Catholic?

Person: yes.

You: what's that like?

Person: well, you go to mass and confession, and the ceremonies are really beautiful. I like it.

You: but don't you find it hard to believe in God?

Person: no.

You: Really? Why is that? I mean, don't you find it illogical?

Person: I guess I don't think about it all that much.

You: Really? How come. I mean, it's an important part of your life. How can you not think about it?

Person: I don't know. Um. I have this call I have to make...

I have to really be careful about this sort of thing. Because info is so neutral to me, it doesn't bother me if someone asks me something that I don't know the answer to. I just say "I don't know." And it's rare for me to not want to talk about something. But if I don't, I feel really comfortable saying, "Sorry. I don't want to talk about it."

So I wait for those blatant cues from others. I have to work to pick up on subtler ones.
posted by grumblebee at 10:19 AM on October 14, 2006

Just let other people try and answer first. It's always hard to apologize for knowing something, I know.

Also, it's good to find out you're a know-it-all. If I recall from your attempts to arrange a meetup, you're in Santa Barbara, and I've actually been looking for a know-it-all in the area. Even though I've been here nearly 5 years, I'm always having trouble finding things.
posted by JMOZ at 2:04 PM on October 14, 2006

...but I have this weird feeling that people don't like know-it-alls. Maybe they don't?

Tall poppy syndrome. That said, attitude is key.
posted by oxford blue at 7:17 PM on October 15, 2006

Indeed, you sound like a decent enough person who knows a lot of things (kinda like meself). I have friends, though, who definitely have the know-it-all syndrome. Here is how conversations go around these people:

Me: So I was at the gym this weekend-
Them: - Oh my god, I work out all the time. I have a personal trainer and they tell me that you should really do a lot of cardio and eat a lot of protein and lift heavy weights and... (continues for about five minutes)
Me: Umm, yes, I'm sorry, did I ask you about your trainer?

Me: I was thinking about a trip to Thailand this spring and-
Them: - Well, if you're thinking about Thailand, you should be really careful because they have a lot of military coups and it could be really dangerous for people travelling there and ... (continues to blather on)
Me: I KILL YOU! *STAB STAB STAB!*

So yes, it sounds like you are a nice knowledgeable person. I find that a know-it-all generally DOESN'T know it all (or what they know is generally wrong) and they have a tendency to break into the middle of people's conversations mid-sentence. It's the interruptions (or the lack of knowledge presented in a condescendingly knowledgeable tone) that is more irritating than the fact that you know a lot of things, IMO.
posted by antifuse at 2:51 AM on October 16, 2006

There are already a bunch of great answers here, and I'm late to the game...but I like people who know alot about things. I often poll the ones I trust to give recomendations on restaurants, or stores, or even how to invest or manage a 401k.

The only time I don't like them is when they say the school we choose for our kids is not as good as the one they will choose, or how can we go to Restaurant X when The Bistro is so much better. Basically, as was mentioned above, if you aren't asked for your opinion, keep it to yourself. If I need help, I'll ask.
posted by genefinder at 11:09 AM on October 16, 2006

1. meditate (to be aware of how you're talking to people)
2. realize this is largely social dynamics, in that groups tend to designate someone as "the smart person" and that's why you were introduced as such (and people feel good knowing a know it all, even if they're also jealous)
posted by Furious Fitness at 9:57 AM on October 18, 2006