How do I talk to my bofyfriend about losing weight?
July 21, 2010 6:47 PM Subscribe
How do I talk to my boyfriend about my desire to lose weight?
I have always had issues with weight and compulsive overeating but things got really out of control after I lost my job last year and gained 60 pounds in nine months. I'm much, much heavier than I would like to be and I want to do something about it.
In order to be successful in my efforts to change, I think that I need to talk to my boyfriend about my food and weight issues and ask for his help and support. The problem is that I have no idea how to start this conversation.
My boyfriend has always known me at this weight (we have been dating for three months) and has explicitly said that he likes me the way that I am. He compliments me frequently and I feel attractive and desired with him. Questions like this one or this one and especially this one scare the crap out of me, though. I'm worried that, like this previous poster, my boyfriend will start to ask himself if he should be committing to a significantly overweight girlfriend.
Not that he can't already see that I'm fat, but I'm afraid that bringing up my desire to be healthier and lose weight will call attention to the fact and make him decide that he wants someone with less baggage, both literally and metaphorically.
I'm looking for help both in managing my fear of him leaving and starting the conversation about my goals. If you have experience "coming out" as a compulsive overeater that would be particularly helpful. Thanks for your advice.
I have always had issues with weight and compulsive overeating but things got really out of control after I lost my job last year and gained 60 pounds in nine months. I'm much, much heavier than I would like to be and I want to do something about it.
In order to be successful in my efforts to change, I think that I need to talk to my boyfriend about my food and weight issues and ask for his help and support. The problem is that I have no idea how to start this conversation.
My boyfriend has always known me at this weight (we have been dating for three months) and has explicitly said that he likes me the way that I am. He compliments me frequently and I feel attractive and desired with him. Questions like this one or this one and especially this one scare the crap out of me, though. I'm worried that, like this previous poster, my boyfriend will start to ask himself if he should be committing to a significantly overweight girlfriend.
Not that he can't already see that I'm fat, but I'm afraid that bringing up my desire to be healthier and lose weight will call attention to the fact and make him decide that he wants someone with less baggage, both literally and metaphorically.
I'm looking for help both in managing my fear of him leaving and starting the conversation about my goals. If you have experience "coming out" as a compulsive overeater that would be particularly helpful. Thanks for your advice.
Best answer: A good partner is someone who wants you to be at your happiest and will support you throughout your life in achieving positive personal growth, whether that means being supportive of a weight loss plan or learning to speak Italian or ride a unicycle.
That's my two cents. Best of luck to you.
posted by telegraph at 7:00 PM on July 21, 2010 [12 favorites]
That's my two cents. Best of luck to you.
posted by telegraph at 7:00 PM on July 21, 2010 [12 favorites]
I agree, just start it. My girlfriend is going through something similar. She gained a bunch of weight after we started dating (her 'nesting' weight, she calls it) and she finally got fed up and hired a personal trainer. Now she's getting her ass kicked 4 mornings a week and starting to look much better.
So just tell him the truth. I don't see at all how he could be inclined to think of leaving you because you want to lose some weight. If this is all he knows then he's obviously attracted to you already. How can losing weight hurt that??
posted by fso at 7:01 PM on July 21, 2010
So just tell him the truth. I don't see at all how he could be inclined to think of leaving you because you want to lose some weight. If this is all he knows then he's obviously attracted to you already. How can losing weight hurt that??
posted by fso at 7:01 PM on July 21, 2010
There is no downside here. Just start exercising or eating different or whatever. If you guys eat together then you can say you're trying to eat better and stuff. It doesn't have to be a big deal.
posted by rhizome at 7:02 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by rhizome at 7:02 PM on July 21, 2010
I have had this very conversation with my husband. You have to simply just talk to him about what you specifically want from him. You want to change and you have to address your weight issues and food issues, and you need to tell him that you need his unconditional support on this matter. Tell him exactly that. Point out to him that you know that he likes you as you are, but that you want to change to be healthier and whatever other issues you'd like to address (for me, it's low self-esteem and general insecurities). My husband likes me the way I am (also overweight and have steadily gained through our dating and marriage), but he supports that I am not happy with myself and that I wish to change. He supports me in the following ways: he is a much better chef than I, and he cooks the lighter meals that I wish to eat and enjoys eating them as well. He also supports my exercise habits that I've now acquired, and now he wishes to lose weight himself. I think it's important to note that I have not asked him to join me on this journey, but to simply support me and my efforts. Ask him for words of encouragement if that's what you need. If your SO loves you, he will support the change you want to make to make yourself happier and healthier, not push you away because you're drawing attention to your baggage, both literal and metaphorical. If your SO is worth a damn (which I believe he is), talking to him about how you want to change will be positive.
Also, FWIW, I highly suggest this book to help you through this process.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith at 7:03 PM on July 21, 2010
Also, FWIW, I highly suggest this book to help you through this process.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith at 7:03 PM on July 21, 2010
You should be able to tell this to your boyfriend with no issues at all. If for some odd reason he gets upset he isn't a person you should be with anyway.
I would tell him near that:
You are unhappy with the weight you are currently at and the habits you've developed. You are going to start exercising as well as eating healthy food and will be making other changes to your life based on your new goals.
One thing that is the same though, is how you feel for him, and you would really appreciate his support while you go through your transformation.
Congratulations on your decision. I wish you the best of luck. Try changing 1 thing at a time to make it easier on yourself and so they become life habits. It'll take some time but stick with it.
posted by zephyr_words at 7:03 PM on July 21, 2010
I would tell him near that:
You are unhappy with the weight you are currently at and the habits you've developed. You are going to start exercising as well as eating healthy food and will be making other changes to your life based on your new goals.
One thing that is the same though, is how you feel for him, and you would really appreciate his support while you go through your transformation.
Congratulations on your decision. I wish you the best of luck. Try changing 1 thing at a time to make it easier on yourself and so they become life habits. It'll take some time but stick with it.
posted by zephyr_words at 7:03 PM on July 21, 2010
Best answer: I'm afraid that bringing up my desire to be healthier and lose weight will call attention to the fact...
Assuming he's a good partner you're really going to work at it -- and I don't mean go on the warpath, just reasonably try to accomplish your goal -- he's probably going to be delighted and supportive. Like you said, it's not like he doesn't know you're overweight; if he's decent doesn't love (or "really like" or whatever stage you're at) you despite the extra pounds but just simply loves you.
Think about broaching this the same way you would about going back to school. He's wouldn't think about breaking up with you because it would trigger him into thinking you're not educated enough, right? No. He's going to see his girlfriend put herself on the path to self-improvement, which is unequivocally good.
posted by griphus at 7:05 PM on July 21, 2010
Assuming he's a good partner you're really going to work at it -- and I don't mean go on the warpath, just reasonably try to accomplish your goal -- he's probably going to be delighted and supportive. Like you said, it's not like he doesn't know you're overweight; if he's decent doesn't love (or "really like" or whatever stage you're at) you despite the extra pounds but just simply loves you.
Think about broaching this the same way you would about going back to school. He's wouldn't think about breaking up with you because it would trigger him into thinking you're not educated enough, right? No. He's going to see his girlfriend put herself on the path to self-improvement, which is unequivocally good.
posted by griphus at 7:05 PM on July 21, 2010
There's no way he hasn't noticed a 60 pound weight gain, so you fear that you will alert him to the change by talking about your desire to lose weight is completely unfounded. Also, though, and for good reason, he will likely fear that conversation about your desire to lose weight lands him in a total fucking minefield. Your boyfriend - it seems quite sure - both finds you super sexy as you are, and supports your desire to lose weight. There's no contradiction between those positions - but it can be difficult to express them, out loud, simultaneously. Since you have real issues around overeating, your boyfriend isn't the best partner in working those things out - that's what therapists are for.
posted by moxiedoll at 7:05 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by moxiedoll at 7:05 PM on July 21, 2010
(I'm an idiot for not noticing that you gained the weight before you met him - but the rest of the comment still stands!)
posted by moxiedoll at 7:09 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by moxiedoll at 7:09 PM on July 21, 2010
The way you word your post sounds like you're worried that he will find you unattractive for remaining fat (though he frequently reiterates his attraction to you) And that you're worried that he'll dump you for bringing it up - that's a lot about His hypothetical reactions. This should be about You, not him.
Just tell him that you have this weight loss goal, why you have this goal, some of the issues you've struggled with around your weight (there's often so much Baggage there, if you're like me), and how he can help you reach your goals. It sounds like he cares about a lot about you, so he'll want to do everything he can to help you reach your goals.
As someone who also struggles with weight, I've gotta say that dating someone who's really supportive whether I'm up or down is a huge relief, and helpful. I totally understand wanting to do it partially for him - I often find that motivating myself. But do this for yourself with his love and support, and you'll both be thrilled with your strength and health.
posted by ldthomps at 7:14 PM on July 21, 2010
Just tell him that you have this weight loss goal, why you have this goal, some of the issues you've struggled with around your weight (there's often so much Baggage there, if you're like me), and how he can help you reach your goals. It sounds like he cares about a lot about you, so he'll want to do everything he can to help you reach your goals.
As someone who also struggles with weight, I've gotta say that dating someone who's really supportive whether I'm up or down is a huge relief, and helpful. I totally understand wanting to do it partially for him - I often find that motivating myself. But do this for yourself with his love and support, and you'll both be thrilled with your strength and health.
posted by ldthomps at 7:14 PM on July 21, 2010
Best answer: I'd add that I think you should be specific and concrete about what you want from him. "Be supportive" doesn't actually give clear direction at all; "Don't bring junk food into the house," "Don't make jokes about diets," and "Please go walking with me every evening" do.
Also, a girlfriend wanting to be healthier is totally cool, even if it takes some false starts to get there. A girlfriend who talks all the time about wanting to be healthier while making the opposite kinds of decisions is not so cool. In other words, make sure that you are coming in honestly and in a way that is good for the relationship, rather than asking him to be act supportive of a fiction.
posted by Forktine at 7:25 PM on July 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
Also, a girlfriend wanting to be healthier is totally cool, even if it takes some false starts to get there. A girlfriend who talks all the time about wanting to be healthier while making the opposite kinds of decisions is not so cool. In other words, make sure that you are coming in honestly and in a way that is good for the relationship, rather than asking him to be act supportive of a fiction.
posted by Forktine at 7:25 PM on July 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
Everyone so far is correct. If you're nervous about starting the conversation, though (and it sounds like you might be I'd suggest this bit of leading dialog:
YOU: Sweetie, you think I'm attractive, right?
BF: Of course.
YOU: And you'll love me no matter what I look like, right?
BF: You know I will.
YOU: Good, because I've been thinking about it, and I think I've been over-eating, and I really want to lose some weight.
You're in the conversation, and he's right there with you.
Good luck!
posted by Navelgazer at 7:59 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
YOU: Sweetie, you think I'm attractive, right?
BF: Of course.
YOU: And you'll love me no matter what I look like, right?
BF: You know I will.
YOU: Good, because I've been thinking about it, and I think I've been over-eating, and I really want to lose some weight.
You're in the conversation, and he's right there with you.
Good luck!
posted by Navelgazer at 7:59 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just tell him what you are planning to do. Don't worry about the rest. Don't worry about the previous posts /significant others reactions per those posts. Learn from such ONLY if it provides you with information regarding losing weight.
If (for some reason) you are doing this for him (your post doesn't make it sound like that at all, but the fear of the other posts makes me wonder) stop. It has to be that you wnat this. You can't do this for anyone but yourself.
He will probably be supportive per everything you've said - which is great, but it's just gravy. This is all YOU.
posted by marimeko at 8:13 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
If (for some reason) you are doing this for him (your post doesn't make it sound like that at all, but the fear of the other posts makes me wonder) stop. It has to be that you wnat this. You can't do this for anyone but yourself.
He will probably be supportive per everything you've said - which is great, but it's just gravy. This is all YOU.
posted by marimeko at 8:13 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm afraid that bringing up my desire to be healthier and lose weight will call attention to the fact and make him decide that he wants someone with less baggage
I've been on the other end of this conversation, and you really really really don't have to worry about this.
If your weight bothers your boyfriend enough that he's having second thoughts about the relationship, telling him that you're planning on losing that weight can only improve things.
posted by ripley_ at 8:14 PM on July 21, 2010
I've been on the other end of this conversation, and you really really really don't have to worry about this.
If your weight bothers your boyfriend enough that he's having second thoughts about the relationship, telling him that you're planning on losing that weight can only improve things.
posted by ripley_ at 8:14 PM on July 21, 2010
This should be about You, not him.
You can't do this for anyone but yourself.
I hear this all the time on MeFi, but I don't agree with it. People do all kinds of things to attract a good romantic partner (lose weight, stay in shape, dress better than they normally would, pursue interesting hobbies). There's nothing wrong with this.
posted by ripley_ at 8:29 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
You can't do this for anyone but yourself.
I hear this all the time on MeFi, but I don't agree with it. People do all kinds of things to attract a good romantic partner (lose weight, stay in shape, dress better than they normally would, pursue interesting hobbies). There's nothing wrong with this.
posted by ripley_ at 8:29 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
You can just tell him that your doctor told you to lose weight. If you're 60 lbs overweight (and, presumably, were at a normal weight for your last physical), there's no way a doctor won't call you out on that.
posted by halogen at 8:45 PM on July 21, 2010
posted by halogen at 8:45 PM on July 21, 2010
Comparing a permanent alteration of a biological necessity to buying new clothes or taking up archery is...puzzling.
My husband did what you are proposing, successfully. Via diet and exercise, he's maintained his target weight for several years. It helped me to know the specific things I could do that were useful to him. It helped me that he discussed his progress, rather than proselytizing. It definitely helped that he thought of/presented his weight loss as a health/self-improvement project, and we both treated it accordingly.
I saw him gain the weight, and I saw him take it off. The only thing that changed about my attraction to him? As with most people, he's more attractive when he's happy with himself.
posted by gnomeloaf at 8:56 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
My husband did what you are proposing, successfully. Via diet and exercise, he's maintained his target weight for several years. It helped me to know the specific things I could do that were useful to him. It helped me that he discussed his progress, rather than proselytizing. It definitely helped that he thought of/presented his weight loss as a health/self-improvement project, and we both treated it accordingly.
I saw him gain the weight, and I saw him take it off. The only thing that changed about my attraction to him? As with most people, he's more attractive when he's happy with himself.
posted by gnomeloaf at 8:56 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm afraid that bringing up my desire to be healthier and lose weight will call attention to the fact and make him decide that he wants someone with less baggage
That's pretty much ridiculous. You say "I'm worried about my long term health, I want to work on my diet and get more exercise," he's just going to say "that's great honey, I'm gonna be right there with you." This is not baggage, it's just normal everyday life.
I know counseling is the big cliche but I'm wondering about the connection between what sounds like a pretty much irrational fear (based on how you say your boyfriend treats you) of being left with this issue of compulsive overeating which you don't talk about in much detail but given the pretty dramatic weight gain in response to stress and talking about revealing it in terms of "coming out" it sort of sounds like there might be some self-esteem and coping issues (whether with stress or depression or what) that go beyond needing to lose some weight. If so this stuff is not going to go away overnight and keeping it under wraps is not the prescription for a healthy relationship. There is no way to feel like you have a guarantee that your significant other won't bail on you at some point. The way that you find out you're with the right one is when you let these sad, messy, complicated, normal, human parts of yourself out in the open and they stay.
posted by nanojath at 10:10 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's pretty much ridiculous. You say "I'm worried about my long term health, I want to work on my diet and get more exercise," he's just going to say "that's great honey, I'm gonna be right there with you." This is not baggage, it's just normal everyday life.
I know counseling is the big cliche but I'm wondering about the connection between what sounds like a pretty much irrational fear (based on how you say your boyfriend treats you) of being left with this issue of compulsive overeating which you don't talk about in much detail but given the pretty dramatic weight gain in response to stress and talking about revealing it in terms of "coming out" it sort of sounds like there might be some self-esteem and coping issues (whether with stress or depression or what) that go beyond needing to lose some weight. If so this stuff is not going to go away overnight and keeping it under wraps is not the prescription for a healthy relationship. There is no way to feel like you have a guarantee that your significant other won't bail on you at some point. The way that you find out you're with the right one is when you let these sad, messy, complicated, normal, human parts of yourself out in the open and they stay.
posted by nanojath at 10:10 PM on July 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You're wrong to worry about talking to him and right to worry that he'll dump you because of your weight someday. I did it. She was a wonderful girl, nothing wrong with her, a lot of sexual attraction, but the more I thought about the practical consequences of her weight, the more I began to feel sick about our future. I just didn't want to grow old with someone who was tired all the time, hobbled by ruined joints, and possibly seriously ill with diabetes or heart disease. Her weight was incompatible with everything I hoped for us, so I moved on.
Your boyfriend may not have had these thoughts yet, but if he hasn't, he will. The fact that you're serious about this and aware of the issues will be EXTREMELY important to him. (If he doesn't realize it now, he'll figure out someday what a big difference you made for your lives together, and he'll be grateful.) It would have made a big difference for me if my girlfriend had asked for help and taken a serious approach to her weight. (She paid a lot of lip service, but never took a sufficiently serious approach.)
BTW, I was a mess myself at one point in my life. I turned around and lost forty pounds over two years, from somewhere over 200 lbs to 165. You'll learn a lot and gain a lot of confidence, and controlling your weight will never be quite as hard again. I've stayed between 170-180 for years now. (When I was 165 and super-fit, I was unemployed and exercising every day. I heartily recommend unemployment as an opportunity to get in shape, though it has downsides as well.)
posted by dkh at 11:02 PM on July 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
Your boyfriend may not have had these thoughts yet, but if he hasn't, he will. The fact that you're serious about this and aware of the issues will be EXTREMELY important to him. (If he doesn't realize it now, he'll figure out someday what a big difference you made for your lives together, and he'll be grateful.) It would have made a big difference for me if my girlfriend had asked for help and taken a serious approach to her weight. (She paid a lot of lip service, but never took a sufficiently serious approach.)
BTW, I was a mess myself at one point in my life. I turned around and lost forty pounds over two years, from somewhere over 200 lbs to 165. You'll learn a lot and gain a lot of confidence, and controlling your weight will never be quite as hard again. I've stayed between 170-180 for years now. (When I was 165 and super-fit, I was unemployed and exercising every day. I heartily recommend unemployment as an opportunity to get in shape, though it has downsides as well.)
posted by dkh at 11:02 PM on July 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
The only issue I can see is that he's doing the awesome boyfriend thing of loving you the way you are, and you're asking him for support in a highly emotionally charged area that is a minefield in terms of "the way you are."
I think you just need to be very clear about what kind of support you want from him, and that you two need to maybe figure out a sign that either of you can throw down when either of you need to drop the subject and revisit it later in a more objective, less charged space.
posted by desuetude at 11:12 PM on July 21, 2010
I think you just need to be very clear about what kind of support you want from him, and that you two need to maybe figure out a sign that either of you can throw down when either of you need to drop the subject and revisit it later in a more objective, less charged space.
posted by desuetude at 11:12 PM on July 21, 2010
Although dkh's answer has me reconsidering what I'm about to say, anyway here goes:
There are two big reasons to lose weight. One is about physical appearance, and the other is about health, strength, fitness, stamina, etc.
If it were me, as I lost weight, I would feel great if my boyfriend made comments about how he noticed that I wasn't huffing and puffing as much after climbing stairs, or that I was getting better at running to catch the bus, or that I wasn't as tired after a long hike, etc, etc, etc. Personally, when I'm losing weight, I HATE comments about how my physical appearance is improving. I guess that as I've been somewhat of a yo-yo dieter, I know in my heart that when I'm getting complimented on my looks as I lose weight, it also means that those same people are silently noting the changes when I'm going in the opposite direction as well.
Maybe this is just me, and you don't feel this way at all. But if you do, you might want to clue your boyfriend in on how or how not you would want him to mention changes that he notices in you as you begin to lose weight and get slimmer, stronger and healthier.
posted by marsha56 at 11:20 PM on July 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
There are two big reasons to lose weight. One is about physical appearance, and the other is about health, strength, fitness, stamina, etc.
If it were me, as I lost weight, I would feel great if my boyfriend made comments about how he noticed that I wasn't huffing and puffing as much after climbing stairs, or that I was getting better at running to catch the bus, or that I wasn't as tired after a long hike, etc, etc, etc. Personally, when I'm losing weight, I HATE comments about how my physical appearance is improving. I guess that as I've been somewhat of a yo-yo dieter, I know in my heart that when I'm getting complimented on my looks as I lose weight, it also means that those same people are silently noting the changes when I'm going in the opposite direction as well.
Maybe this is just me, and you don't feel this way at all. But if you do, you might want to clue your boyfriend in on how or how not you would want him to mention changes that he notices in you as you begin to lose weight and get slimmer, stronger and healthier.
posted by marsha56 at 11:20 PM on July 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Reading some of the other answers, including marsha's, it occurs to me that you should consider how you will feel it if turns out he really cares a lot about your weight. If it bothers him and he's been too sensitive to mention it, this would be a natural occasion for him to be honest about his feelings. If your boyfriend says, "Wow, honey, I am so glad you brought this issue up and we see eye to eye on it," are you still going to be motivated and determined to lose weight? Or is that going to freak you out so badly that you're back to square one? My girlfriend always had personal, intrinsic motivation to lose weight, but as soon as she realized *I* wanted her to lose weight, she completely lost track of her own desire to lose weight (which was healthy) and started to see her weight problem in relation to me: her desire to please me, desire not to be controlled by me, fear of losing me, resentment about being judged, guilt about disappointing me, etc. It was not healthy at all. She would have been a lot better off if she had never known I cared. On the other hand, some people find it very helpful to know that their partner cares.
So I still think you should talk to him, but you should be prepared for what he might say and how you might feel about it.
And of course he will need very specific tutoring on how to support you, because everyone is different in terms of what feels good and what triggers insecurity. Personally, when I'm insecure about something, I compulsively interpret compliments as sarcasm. I like to brag, though, so the best thing you can do for me is pretend not to notice anything so I can proudly fill you in on my accomplishments once in a while. I mention this only as evidence that people are way too weird for him to know what will work for you.
posted by dkh at 12:00 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
So I still think you should talk to him, but you should be prepared for what he might say and how you might feel about it.
And of course he will need very specific tutoring on how to support you, because everyone is different in terms of what feels good and what triggers insecurity. Personally, when I'm insecure about something, I compulsively interpret compliments as sarcasm. I like to brag, though, so the best thing you can do for me is pretend not to notice anything so I can proudly fill you in on my accomplishments once in a while. I mention this only as evidence that people are way too weird for him to know what will work for you.
posted by dkh at 12:00 AM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
"I want to lose some weight" could mean all kinds of things.
It could mean "I know you think I'm beautiful, but I think I'm butt-ugly and I think your tastes are freaky", or "I know you say you love me, but secretly I think you're lying and one day you'll leave me because I'm so fat".
Or it could mean "I'd like to be able to walk to work. I hate this thigh chafing, and I'm fed up of not being able to buy clothes that fit".
Maybe if you could elaborate in your head some underlying goals, you could frame a discussion with your boyfriend in those terms. Particularly if they are goals that involve him: "I've been thinking I'd like to be able to go on bike rides with you".
Maybe part of the process of getting more fit could involve going on walks with your boyfriend.
posted by emilyw at 1:52 AM on July 22, 2010
It could mean "I know you think I'm beautiful, but I think I'm butt-ugly and I think your tastes are freaky", or "I know you say you love me, but secretly I think you're lying and one day you'll leave me because I'm so fat".
Or it could mean "I'd like to be able to walk to work. I hate this thigh chafing, and I'm fed up of not being able to buy clothes that fit".
Maybe if you could elaborate in your head some underlying goals, you could frame a discussion with your boyfriend in those terms. Particularly if they are goals that involve him: "I've been thinking I'd like to be able to go on bike rides with you".
Maybe part of the process of getting more fit could involve going on walks with your boyfriend.
posted by emilyw at 1:52 AM on July 22, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks for all of the input so far. It's very helpful. I just wanted to add/clarify that:
- I am in therapy, dealing with my depression, body image, and overeating issues. Boyfriend knows I'm in therapy, doesn't really know exactly what we focus on.
- I regularly attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings for support. Boyfriend does not know about OA. I'm like an alcoholic, but with food. I eat in response to almost everything and have gotten pretty good at hiding it. Boyfriend only sees me eating "normally" which is why I used the term coming out. I think it might surprise him to know how much I actually eat and how messed up my attitude toward food is.
- I need to lose about 100 pounds.
I see this as more than just an issue of losing weight -- I basically need to completely change how I see and feel about myself. It would be nice to no longer have to hide that struggle from someone very important to me.
posted by p. kitty at 5:59 AM on July 22, 2010
- I am in therapy, dealing with my depression, body image, and overeating issues. Boyfriend knows I'm in therapy, doesn't really know exactly what we focus on.
- I regularly attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings for support. Boyfriend does not know about OA. I'm like an alcoholic, but with food. I eat in response to almost everything and have gotten pretty good at hiding it. Boyfriend only sees me eating "normally" which is why I used the term coming out. I think it might surprise him to know how much I actually eat and how messed up my attitude toward food is.
- I need to lose about 100 pounds.
I see this as more than just an issue of losing weight -- I basically need to completely change how I see and feel about myself. It would be nice to no longer have to hide that struggle from someone very important to me.
posted by p. kitty at 5:59 AM on July 22, 2010
How do I talk to my boyfriend about my desire to lose weight?
You tell him. Once.1 Then you start working to lose the weight.
1 Because it's extremely annoying to hear someone endlessly complain about some personal deficiency they see in themselves without doing anything to rectify the situation.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:04 AM on July 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
You tell him. Once.1 Then you start working to lose the weight.
1 Because it's extremely annoying to hear someone endlessly complain about some personal deficiency they see in themselves without doing anything to rectify the situation.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:04 AM on July 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't think you have anything to fear about talking to him about it. It's not going to suddenly make him notice that you've gained weight.
I'd just go ahead and start talking about what's on your mind and what you're planning, etc., and let him know if there's anything you'd like him to start or stop doing in order to support you. Most boyfriends would be happy to help you while at the same time being careful to not pressure you or anything.
I'm an overweight guy who has been with several overweight women. I feel like it was healthier for all when they didn't feel the need to hide anything (eating, dieting, reading, etc.) from me about it, although I understood those who did.
Personally, I've found that being open with partners and good friends about the fact that I sometimes (often?) eat absurdly large and unhealthy amounts of food is much healthier for me psychologically than binging in private is. I think it actually reduces the frequency of my binges because I don't feel like I have to get in all my eating whenever I have the opportunity to do it in secret. Knowing that if I can eat a whole box of cookies in front of my wife if I want to means that I don't "have to" do it on the way home.
posted by callmejay at 9:04 AM on July 22, 2010
I'd just go ahead and start talking about what's on your mind and what you're planning, etc., and let him know if there's anything you'd like him to start or stop doing in order to support you. Most boyfriends would be happy to help you while at the same time being careful to not pressure you or anything.
I'm an overweight guy who has been with several overweight women. I feel like it was healthier for all when they didn't feel the need to hide anything (eating, dieting, reading, etc.) from me about it, although I understood those who did.
Personally, I've found that being open with partners and good friends about the fact that I sometimes (often?) eat absurdly large and unhealthy amounts of food is much healthier for me psychologically than binging in private is. I think it actually reduces the frequency of my binges because I don't feel like I have to get in all my eating whenever I have the opportunity to do it in secret. Knowing that if I can eat a whole box of cookies in front of my wife if I want to means that I don't "have to" do it on the way home.
posted by callmejay at 9:04 AM on July 22, 2010
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Even if it were a slight turn-off, it would still be worth doing because it's important to you. In that way, it's similar to discussing STDs: people might find it offputting, but it's just too important to let that stop you from talking about it. But again, that's just hypothetical since I don't even see how it's offputting in the slightest.
Clearly, you care about him a lot and find him to be very supportive and complimentary. If he's anything like the way you describe him, he'll have a positive, supportive, helpful attitude about your decision to lose weight. Don't worry about it. Don't think of it as some special, super-sensitive topic that has to be handled with kid gloves. Couples talk to each other about their goals all the time, and this is just one of those things.
How to start the conversation? Just as straightforwardly as you've done with us. "I want to lose weight. I've been eating too much, and I have to get it under control."
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:57 PM on July 21, 2010