ED Girl and Fat Guy - Will it Work?
March 26, 2012 7:57 AM Subscribe
Maybe be starting a potential relationship with a person I met over the internet. He's funny, sweet, and we have so much in common - the only qualm is that he's pretty overweight. I'm thin and have battled with a life long eating disorder. What should I do?
So I met a guy online and then we went on our first date offline. I went to meet him and my first thought when I saw him was "Ugh - really?? He's fat". Once he took off the jacket he wasn't as big, but he is overweight. I decided to stick with the date and he turned out to be amazing. He was hilarious, adorably sweet and we just hit it off. He came back to my place and we made out and he stayed over (no sex - it was my special lady time).
I do find him attractive - which seems weird to me because I've never really gone for his type before. At about 4 am into our sexless romp (yeah, we stayed up talking all night) I confessed to him that I was bulimic and he was supportive (he's in school to be a psychologist). I'm worried what it will be like dating someone who is over weight - while I'm constantly on edge about ever being big. How will this effect him?
I'm seeing him again this week and I would really like to see where this will go - but I'm hesitant. Should I just dive in and see where it goes, or should I think it through a bit more and step back from the idea of a potential relationship.
So I met a guy online and then we went on our first date offline. I went to meet him and my first thought when I saw him was "Ugh - really?? He's fat". Once he took off the jacket he wasn't as big, but he is overweight. I decided to stick with the date and he turned out to be amazing. He was hilarious, adorably sweet and we just hit it off. He came back to my place and we made out and he stayed over (no sex - it was my special lady time).
I do find him attractive - which seems weird to me because I've never really gone for his type before. At about 4 am into our sexless romp (yeah, we stayed up talking all night) I confessed to him that I was bulimic and he was supportive (he's in school to be a psychologist). I'm worried what it will be like dating someone who is over weight - while I'm constantly on edge about ever being big. How will this effect him?
I'm seeing him again this week and I would really like to see where this will go - but I'm hesitant. Should I just dive in and see where it goes, or should I think it through a bit more and step back from the idea of a potential relationship.
Congratulations on meeting someone that you have a great connection with! It is great that you want to pursue this and see where it goes. It seems that you could find a balance between diving in and stepping back. In any relationship, it is important to be mindful of how to best take care of your well-being (especially related to specific struggles). If you have worked with a therapist around bulimia, perhaps revisiting this with a therapist would be an appropriate step. A good therapist can help you navigate and process your feelings and reactions to your current relationship. It doesn't have to be long term (the therapy, I mean), but if you are truly struggling with this internally, it couldn't hurt.
Good luck and have fun!
posted by retrofitted at 8:13 AM on March 26, 2012
Good luck and have fun!
posted by retrofitted at 8:13 AM on March 26, 2012
The world is full of fat people. If they all trigger you with their mere existence, you need to do a lot more work on your eating disorder. (I say this with love, as someone who is having a lot of challenges in my own recovery right now.)
If you're concerned that he's a compulsive or binge eater because of his weight--and I can see how being with a partner who is a compulsive overeater could be triggering to someone in recovery from bulimia--the vast majority of people with "obese" BMI, let alone "overweight" BMI are not compulsive or binge eaters (the percentage of people in those categories who are experiencing those issues is estimated at 5% to 8%).
If you're concerned that someone who is themselves at a high body weight is going to do a lot of triggering diet talk and self-deprecation along the "Oh, I'm so fat!" line, that's something to take up with him in time.
So, yeah, dive in and see where it goes!
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:14 AM on March 26, 2012 [14 favorites]
If you're concerned that he's a compulsive or binge eater because of his weight--and I can see how being with a partner who is a compulsive overeater could be triggering to someone in recovery from bulimia--the vast majority of people with "obese" BMI, let alone "overweight" BMI are not compulsive or binge eaters (the percentage of people in those categories who are experiencing those issues is estimated at 5% to 8%).
If you're concerned that someone who is themselves at a high body weight is going to do a lot of triggering diet talk and self-deprecation along the "Oh, I'm so fat!" line, that's something to take up with him in time.
So, yeah, dive in and see where it goes!
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:14 AM on March 26, 2012 [14 favorites]
Should I just dive in and see where it goes, or should I think it through a bit more and step back from the idea of a potential relationship.
Do you tend to overthink things? It's impossible for me to tell from your brief, anonymous question, but this is something you probably know about yourself. Be honest. Are you one of those (many, many) people with a tendency to overanalyze? The reason I ask, apart from the specific phrasing of that quoted sentence, is that from the way you phrased the entire question it seems like you don't feel any red flags.
It's also interesting that you landed on, "How will this effect him?" Who knows. How will it effect you? In my limited, male life experience, your characterization "ED girl" could include a lot of different points on a spectrum—levels, behaviors, etc. The same is true of larger people: Food is a major issue for some, and for others it often isn't a conscious part of their day. We don't know where you are, or where he is, or how those two data points might match. There is one sure way to find out.
Good luck.
posted by cribcage at 8:25 AM on March 26, 2012
Do you tend to overthink things? It's impossible for me to tell from your brief, anonymous question, but this is something you probably know about yourself. Be honest. Are you one of those (many, many) people with a tendency to overanalyze? The reason I ask, apart from the specific phrasing of that quoted sentence, is that from the way you phrased the entire question it seems like you don't feel any red flags.
It's also interesting that you landed on, "How will this effect him?" Who knows. How will it effect you? In my limited, male life experience, your characterization "ED girl" could include a lot of different points on a spectrum—levels, behaviors, etc. The same is true of larger people: Food is a major issue for some, and for others it often isn't a conscious part of their day. We don't know where you are, or where he is, or how those two data points might match. There is one sure way to find out.
Good luck.
posted by cribcage at 8:25 AM on March 26, 2012
I've been attracted to people who aren't strictly my type physically, and the second I noticed myself becoming attracted, all thoughts of "oh he's not my type" were completely out the window. GONE. If the voice in your head is saying things like "he's cute even if he is fat", be nice and break up with him. It sounds like you find him charming, not sexy.
posted by slow graffiti at 8:25 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by slow graffiti at 8:25 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
How will this effect him?
Never mind him, what about you? Obviously it's fine to date a fat person or skinny person or someone with furry blue teleporter with a prehensile tail, if everyone is on board and over the age of consent.
What sort of effect will it have on you, dating someone who is a potential trigger to your eating disorder? He may be totally awesome, but if his presence pushes bad buttons on your psyche, then that isn't healthy for you.
At the very least, talk to your shrink or a shrink about this. Do not use him as shrink, that's not the best dynamic to start a relationship with.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:33 AM on March 26, 2012
Never mind him, what about you? Obviously it's fine to date a fat person or skinny person or someone with furry blue teleporter with a prehensile tail, if everyone is on board and over the age of consent.
What sort of effect will it have on you, dating someone who is a potential trigger to your eating disorder? He may be totally awesome, but if his presence pushes bad buttons on your psyche, then that isn't healthy for you.
At the very least, talk to your shrink or a shrink about this. Do not use him as shrink, that's not the best dynamic to start a relationship with.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:33 AM on March 26, 2012
I'm worried what it will be like dating someone who is over weight - while I'm constantly on edge about ever being big.
The only way you'll find out is if you step outside your comfort zone and date him for a while. It may legitimately become a dealbreaker, but it may not.
I do find him attractive - which seems weird to me because I've never really gone for his type before.
I think sometimes attraction happens because the person really challenges our self-perception and forces us to re-align some core beliefs -- possibly in a way we intuit could be healthy for us. Even if the relationship doesn't go long-term because of legitimate ED-concerns on your part, you may still get some very valuable "food for thought" (pun intended) by having this guy in your life for a while. I'm saying this as a petite woman who used to never consider going out with a guy bigger than me beyond a certain size class, only to be recovering from a mad crush on a "big guy" who's presence in my life alone made me totally reconsider my whole approach to finding a complementary mate.
My hangup comes from dysfunctional childhood origins where I figured an easy way to be safe was to simply avoid being with anyone who could overpower me. Then this "big guy" came along and totally shattered my allusions about what trust really looks like for me -- I had never felt safer in my life with any guy before. Unfortunately he and I never had our chance, as life went in a very wrong way for me and I wasn't ready to let him into my world of health concerns... But I can tell you this: whatever spark there was with him, it sure made me want to get my long-neglected issues in order so that if I ever have that chance again, I won't mess it up.
Keep resolving your bulimia a priority for you, regardless of him. But if I were in your shoes, I'd give it a shot. You're just dating, not getting married or anything. You totally reserve the right to call it quits if it turns out ED-related triggers genuinely become more than you can manage. Best of luck, OP!
posted by human ecologist at 9:31 AM on March 26, 2012
The only way you'll find out is if you step outside your comfort zone and date him for a while. It may legitimately become a dealbreaker, but it may not.
I do find him attractive - which seems weird to me because I've never really gone for his type before.
I think sometimes attraction happens because the person really challenges our self-perception and forces us to re-align some core beliefs -- possibly in a way we intuit could be healthy for us. Even if the relationship doesn't go long-term because of legitimate ED-concerns on your part, you may still get some very valuable "food for thought" (pun intended) by having this guy in your life for a while. I'm saying this as a petite woman who used to never consider going out with a guy bigger than me beyond a certain size class, only to be recovering from a mad crush on a "big guy" who's presence in my life alone made me totally reconsider my whole approach to finding a complementary mate.
My hangup comes from dysfunctional childhood origins where I figured an easy way to be safe was to simply avoid being with anyone who could overpower me. Then this "big guy" came along and totally shattered my allusions about what trust really looks like for me -- I had never felt safer in my life with any guy before. Unfortunately he and I never had our chance, as life went in a very wrong way for me and I wasn't ready to let him into my world of health concerns... But I can tell you this: whatever spark there was with him, it sure made me want to get my long-neglected issues in order so that if I ever have that chance again, I won't mess it up.
Keep resolving your bulimia a priority for you, regardless of him. But if I were in your shoes, I'd give it a shot. You're just dating, not getting married or anything. You totally reserve the right to call it quits if it turns out ED-related triggers genuinely become more than you can manage. Best of luck, OP!
posted by human ecologist at 9:31 AM on March 26, 2012
I think sometimes attraction happens because the person really challenges our self-perception and forces us to re-align some core beliefs -- possibly in a way we intuit could be healthy for us.
I would add a nuance to this valuable insight - sometimes attraction can really challenge us to relook at our self perceptions and forces us to rethink and re-align our core beliefs etc etc
This sounds like a good thing. As someone said above, you'll discover concerns and issues as you proceed but perhaps the message is taht proceed you must.
People come into our lives to teach us something and learn from us - its always an exchange of energies.
posted by infini at 12:06 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would add a nuance to this valuable insight - sometimes attraction can really challenge us to relook at our self perceptions and forces us to rethink and re-align our core beliefs etc etc
This sounds like a good thing. As someone said above, you'll discover concerns and issues as you proceed but perhaps the message is taht proceed you must.
People come into our lives to teach us something and learn from us - its always an exchange of energies.
posted by infini at 12:06 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I do find him attractive - which seems weird to me because I've never really gone for his type before.
I'm seeing him again this week and I would really like to see where this will go - but I'm hesitant. Should I just dive in and see where it goes, or should I think it through a bit more and step back from the idea of a potential relationship.
It is nigh-impossible to control your feelings. You can only control your reaction to them. Since you have no need to make any decisions right now, there's little you can do here to control how you feel about him.
So go on the date. What's the worst that could happen? Making out with a guy you're attracted to?
posted by Ironmouth at 12:37 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm seeing him again this week and I would really like to see where this will go - but I'm hesitant. Should I just dive in and see where it goes, or should I think it through a bit more and step back from the idea of a potential relationship.
It is nigh-impossible to control your feelings. You can only control your reaction to them. Since you have no need to make any decisions right now, there's little you can do here to control how you feel about him.
So go on the date. What's the worst that could happen? Making out with a guy you're attracted to?
posted by Ironmouth at 12:37 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You can check in with him about how it's effecting him, but mostly if you're enjoying yourself and find him attractive, the only reason to step back would be if his weight triggers you. He's a grown-up, he can take care of himself. You keep up doing the same for yourself and see where this fun stuff goes.
posted by ldthomps at 8:05 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]