I want to be sexy. Unfortunately, I'm a straight man.
posted by anonymous to human relations (60 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
In all my efforts to protect a sexy image--not "decent", not "mildly attractive", not "ok", but straight-up sexy--I have not been able to hit that middle ground between "that's nice, kiddo, but we have grownup stuff to talk about now; go back to your little toys" and "OMG if I spend any more time with this guy they're gonna find my head in a ditch if I'm lucky." Actually, I guess "eh, whatever, I don't care" is a pretty common reaction too. Probably the most common, but the proportions don't really matter. The point is that all of these reactions suck.
I'm shooting for something like "I'm interested in spending some time with you, one-on-one, in the very near future" or "I'd very much like to know you much more intimately" or ideally "oh, I wish you would fuck me." That last one may sound like some kind of stereotypical-het-male porno fantasy, but I know it happens, because I've had multiple female friends express it to me about multiple other men. Of course, I don't need them to say it immediately or explicitly; I just need to be the kind of man who gets that sort of reaction, whether or not it's expressed verbally.
And before you ask: no, I have not had and will never have sex with anyone without absolute, clear, utter, unimpeachable assurance that they want to have sex with me.. Once I dated someone who said "I might let you fuck me." I didn't, because that boils down to "Well, you're not a rapist, but only just barely." It was frankly insulting--honestly, "let you fuck me"? I want my partners to want to have sex with me--call me frigid, call me impotent, but that's the deal, take it or leave it. Ya wanna get raped or technically-not-raped, talk with someone else.
So. What do I need to do? Become the most charming guy around? Whip myself into Adonis-like shape? (I look decent, but I'm definitely getting thin on top--I think that's tied with "not overly muscular" for my worst physical feature.) Accumulate an insane amount of money, power, and resources? Something else?
Answers that say "just be a good guy" or equivalent are nonresponsive unless they clearly and explicitly articulate how "just being a good guy" has brought the man in question the success in this field for which I'm looking, and exactly what I can do to give that impression and get the reaction for which I'm looking. This is a difficult--impossible, I'd say--set of criteria, because advice that hasn't worked for me for well over a decade is not going to do the job without a clear, explicit, and foolproof level of exposition behind it.
And once I figure that out, how do I do that? Remember that "clear, explicit, and foolproof" are the watchwords, and given my success up to this point, I'm a fool who's been quite proof against clarity and explicitness.
I know this isn't the sort of thing that you can boil down to a 100% effective algorithm or some kind of "dating kata," and I know that women's reactions will vary by the woman. I'm really just looking for heuristics I can use to present myself better in general, because I'm obviously doing something wrong.
ASL: 30/M/SF Bay Area. Any therapy suggested needs to be obtainable via Kaiser Permanente or a low- or no-fee outside service. Obviously-fake-email: email@example.com.