Should I drop out? How do I tell my parents?

June 5, 2010 1:09 AM

Feeling very lost and confused about my life. Should I drop out of college? How do I tell my parents?

I'm feeling very aimless these days. I don't have a job; I failed all of my classes this semester; I'm a liberal arts major and I don't see any future, I'm a loner by nature, so it's not like I have a social life to fall back on... I'm lost. I keep thinking how utterly ridiculous I'm being and so terribly selfish, because everyone's questioning, looking for answers-- but I just.. the other day I was taking a walk around my neighborhood and there was this car driving past, and all I could think about was just how easy it would be to step off from the sidewalk.

My younger sister is about to graduate from 8th grade-- she's valedictorian of her class and everything else I never was at that age or would be-- and I just know the whole world is opening up for her. I'm happy for her, I'm so happy. Yet, I feel like she's coming up to a point in her life that I just can't possibly fathom or reach, and it makes me sad all over the place. Like all my faults magnified and so close.

I'm just feeling down. I had all these plans and hopes for myself but it's all come apart and I don't know where to even begin picking up the pieces. I don't know what to do.

I want to quit school. My major is going nowhere. I don't know what else I want to major in. I don't get financial aid and I feel wrong making my parents pay for this uni tuition. I need to reevaluate my life, who I am, everything. I don't really know how to tell my parents. I've been telling them everything is fine, I'm fine.. etc.etc. They don't know a thing and I feel so bad about how screwy I am and how I've lied about how not fine everything is. I just don't know.

posted by herebedragons to human relations (36 answers total)

Re-evaluate is right! you are going to be ok....I've been there...we are sooo programmed from so young to be SOMETHING SPECIAL..and to make everyone proud..your at the beginning of your life's journey sweetheart..and you just have to drop all the bullshit that isn't you and begin the journey of self discovery. If the school makes you miserable quit it! Just create a space where you can find and be you. Make that your goal! Life is for living treat it as an adventure!
posted by lavender9 at 1:30 AM on June 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

I dropped out from university, twice, and spent a good part of my twenties somewhere between disorientation and madness. Things turned out good for me, beyond every expectation, so don't be discouraged. Every life is different, and for some of us, getting lost is a necessary part of the experience.

The most important thing is to let people give you a hand. There's no need to fight alone. Tell your parents how you feel, that you lied out of shame and that you didn't want to disappoint them, and how lost you feel. Chances are they already guessed a part of it, and that they're wise enough to recognize and appreciate the good nature and ambition hidden in that shame.

The second most important thing (at least it was for me), is to start getting things done. Don't think to much. I bet there's a long list of things that you should have done, but didn't. Write it down and start just doing it. Accept no excuses from the weaker part of yourself; focus on the part of yourself that is a hero, and do every one of the things that needs to be done, no matter how unpleasant it is, one by one. There will be setbacks, so be patient and forgiving with yourself, but don't give up, keep going.
posted by dhoe at 1:37 AM on June 5, 2010 [5 favorites]

If you're still in school, talk to a counselor there. To be honest, you sound like you could use someone to open up to and speak frankly without risk of reprisal or being thought badly of. Remember, neither college nor a liberal arts degree in particular is for everyone. I would encourage you to see if you can find your path, or at least if college is part of it, while you have this opportunity from your parents by them paying your tuition. Many people who want to go to college don't have this option. If college isn't what you really want to do--and it by no means has to be what you want--then feel free to leave and to tell your parents why. No parent I've ever met wants their child to be unhappy, and I'm sure yours are no exception. Use the off time from school, whether it's a summer, a semester, or forever, to find what makes you happy.

You are also under no requirement to emulate your younger sister. It is a classic fallacy of the human race that we try to "live up" to those who come after us. You are not your younger sister, and you both have different personalities and desires. Speaking only for myself, I was not the popular or ultra-achiever my younger siblings were, but I feel that over the years I've done just fine for myself. You will, too. Every one of us undergoes this sort of "what am I going to do with myself?" phase, even the people who seem to have it all put together. (Dirty secret of life: The people who look, from an outsider's perspective, to be all composed and wonderful? Most of them are human, too, with human failings and their own paranoia about life.)

Here's another pithy quote: Life is what happens when you're busy making plans. I've started three businesses, had them all crap out, bought a house, lost it in bankruptcy, moved no fewer than 6 times in the last 5 years (just because I wanted to!), failed an entire semester, and then went back and finished my degree because it became a goal of mine. Just recognizing that you have plans--it's only too late to start them once you're cold in the ground--means that you're farther ahead than 90% of us.

Be well! I won't say "good luck," because you make your own luck. :)
posted by fireoyster at 1:42 AM on June 5, 2010 [6 favorites]

Sorry to sound like AskMe's broken record, but you sound depressed. Please take advantage of whatever mental health care your college provides. Your life and your future may actually be a whole lot brighter than they seem to you right now. At least give yourself a chance to find out before you make any firm decisions.

Then go and see your department's academic adviser. You might consider taking a semester or two's leave of absence to clear your head. Caveat: Unless you're actually incapacitated, you should work during this time. Don't mooch off your parents. Accept any job you're qualified for, no matter how humble. As I told another poster in a a similar thread:

Spend part of your year doing some seriously blue-collar, unskilled labour. Stack boxes, work on a factory production line, clean toilets, whatever. Try to work without complaining too much. It will give you a new level of respect for the people who do those jobs, and it will galvanise you, one way or another, on the question of whether higher education is worth your time and effort.

Hang in there. Plenty of people have been in your situation and ended up happy and successful down the line.
posted by embrangled at 1:44 AM on June 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

Please contact your university's student counseling center as soon as possible. Tomorrow, if they're open; Monday morning if they're not. Statements like this...

there was this car driving past, and all I could think about was just how easy it would be to step off from the sidewalk. [...] it's all come apart and I don't know where to even begin picking up the pieces. [...] I feel so bad about how screwy I am and how I've lied about how not fine everything is.

...remind me very strongly of how I feel when I was deeply, clinically depressed around your same age. A counselor can help you -- in a safe, confidential, nonjudgmental environment -- assess your personal, academic, and mental health care options.

Please be as kind and loving to yourself as you would be to your sister. Think of it this way: if she were in similar pain, you would encourage her to reach out for help, right? Then do yourself the kindness of doing the same for yourself.

Be well. I'm pulling for you.
posted by scody at 1:54 AM on June 5, 2010 [14 favorites]

You make it sound like you have an option here. No university will let you register for the following semester if you failed every single one of your classes this time around.

That being said, your parents might not understand (mine didn't, when I decided to take time off from school – with a concrete re-enrollment date in mind), but they'll accept your decision and love you anyway. Over the next few months, you may feel that their desire to help you is overbearing, especially once they find out that you failed everything. They mean well.
posted by halogen at 1:58 AM on June 5, 2010

Another vote for counselling. For your situation, I can't recommend it highly enough.
posted by criticalbill at 2:54 AM on June 5, 2010

I lost my scholarship via bad grades when I was a sophomore. I also had a number of personal events that lead me to feeling very alone. I didn't know what I wanted to do at all.

Not everyone is destined to go straight to college after high school. That was a fact I had a hard time making sense of. I was still a kid and I had all of these grand hopes and dreams, but when it came down to it all, I wasn't ready yet.

Maybe you just aren't ready yet. That's ok. Really.

Find a job (I realize what a challenge that is right now.) and figure out what you want to do. When I moved back in with my folks and went back to school after I'd done some traveling, working, and living with roommates for a year, I couldn't afford to pay them rent or anything, so I took on a bunch of the household chores voluntarily. In fact, I was the one that suggested the arrangement. I'd been working retail, so laundry, dishes, etc., were pretty easy comparatively. Mom had developed arthritis, so my folks appreciated the help without attitude.

You're going to have to tell your parents the truth. My parents forgave me. I'm a mom now, and my bet is that your parents will forgive you, too. I'm an only child, but I have a pair of children. I would never compare them; they are their own individual selves.

Please, talk to your parents and talk to a counselor.
Everything is going to be ok.
posted by lilywing13 at 3:27 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Like people above have said - please speak to some sort of counselor for help getting some of your depression sorted out. And keep in mind that sometimes you have to try more than one helping-type professional before finding one that's a good fit and can, indeed, help.

Also - when you leave school, have something or several somethings that will fill up your days, whether it's volunteering or finding a job or taking a road trip or working on a farm through WWOOF or whatever. From personal experience: it's too easy to end up isolated and doing nothing all day, and that tends to make depression and feelings of aimlessness worse.
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:53 AM on June 5, 2010

If you're worried your parents will take the news badly, speak to a counselor before you speak to them. First, the counselor can help you think more clearly about your worries a and maybe figure out a strategy for telling them. Second the counselor may be able to write letter explaining that you need to take a break from school for medical reasons. Parents vary of course, but being hearing it from an objective third party might help them understand that you're not just goofing around, you really do need time off.

Everything will be fine. Honest.
posted by embrangled at 4:19 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Nothing has come apart. You're at the beginning of your life's journey. The mistakes you make now will help you forge you into a greater person later. You will have oodles of empathy for other people when you are older and they tell you that they are lost. You will know what they mean because you have lived it.

Now, to get back on track you need to follow some of the advice already written above. As well, if you're drinking you should stop until you get other variables in order.

Best of luck! Your past does not define your future!
posted by fantasticninety at 4:39 AM on June 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

You sound depressed. Depression convinces you that things are hopeless and pointless and it all feels very real to you, but it isn't. Talk to your doctor (GP is fine) or whatever health services they have at your school, and get some help. You won't believe how much better you feel.

THE BURNS DEPRESSION CHECKLIST
posted by callmejay at 4:49 AM on June 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

Nthing the people who say you sound depressed. When you are depressed, it is easy to look around yourself and think, "well, of course I feel depressed--my life is a shithole. Who wouldn't be depressed?" What you may not fully understand is that the depression is making your life shitty, more than it being your shitty life that is making you depressed. You can make little tweaks to try and fix things, but if you do not address the depression head-on, that "I'm not ok" feeling can dog you around and very easily sabotage whatever positive changes you make.
posted by drlith at 6:17 AM on June 5, 2010

You sound like I was once.
It was depression.

Please seek help for this treatable condition.
Life is wonderful when you are not fighting your brain chemistry.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:42 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

I agree with the foregoing advice. Considering that you were able to post such a well written question, it wasn't stupidity which caused you to fail all your courses. The courses must have seemed pointless to you. And perhaps they were. The whole idea of education for education's sake often doesn't work out well. If you get a job and earn money, you will no longer be dependent upon the generosity of others, and you will be able to make your own deicisions about every aspect of your life, which no one will be able to veto. Life has tremendous possibilities. There are undoubtedly things that you would enjoy doing. Figure out what they are, then figure out what you need to do in order to be able to do those things. Then do it. That is the joy of adulthood, being able to make your own choices.
posted by grizzled at 6:48 AM on June 5, 2010

Yes, counseling, definitely Here's something that may or may not give you hope: with a depression diagnosis in hand, you may be able to get your failing grades this past year stricken from your record.

My husband was depressed during his first go-around at college. He had his bad grades excused (as depression is a medical excuse), worked for a handful of years, took a few community college classes, then went back a few years ago. He had nearly a 4.0 and is soon off to graduate school. A degree might be great for you--later. But it sounds like you have bigger things on your plate right now, like your mental health.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:01 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mental health help. Now.
posted by willpie at 7:46 AM on June 5, 2010

This happens to so many university students, you would just not believe. Happened to me, happened to probably hundreds of other people here who are now adults with good jobs and friends and other good things. I see it happen to some of my students every year.

SO: you are not alone and things are definitely not as dark as they feel to you right now.

It sounds like you're depressed (that is, you have a medical condition that's distorting your judgment and making you feel like things are hopeless, when really they are NOT) and like you're uncertain of your path (which most people are around your age, whether they figure it out in university or shortly afterwards). These are both common problems, and problems that other people can help with.

Talk to your university's counseling or health center. Even if it's summer, you can call them up from home and ask to talk to somebody or ask for advice.

Talk to your family doctor, if it's easier to get an appointment there. They should be able to give you a referral to a psychologist who can talk to you about this.

I would tell your parents, and tell them you think you need to see a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist to get help.

Even if you're given the option to return to school right away, it probably makes sense to take some time off from school to get this sorted out. You can go back later, and again this is very, very common.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:47 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

I pretty much failed out of college my freshman year - I had always gotten good grades in high school by being smart and testing well rather than by being a good student, and when I got to college discovered I didn't have the drive and self-discipline that it took to get good grades at college-level. Also, I had a bit of a mental breakdown - not depression exactly, just a kind of delayed adolescence that overwhelmed me.

So - talk to your school counselor about your depression. The school administration should be able to give you a medical leave of absence, and will probably waive some of your failed classes so that they don't affect your overall GPA if you choose to continue. They should be able to have a meeting with you and your parents to explain how a medical leave works. And you could have a family counseling session to keep things from going off the rails.

I ultimately never went back to school full time after getting my medical leave. I moved back home, worked at some crappy part-time and temp jobs, took some classes at a couple of local schools to see if I could handle going back to being a student full time (I couldn't), and then finally did a 6-week course at the Katharine Gibbs Secretarial School because they did job placement, and lucked into a full-time job that suited me.

So, you don't have to decide right now whether or not to drop out of college. Get a leave of absence, and take some time to get some help on clawing out from under the weight of depression.
posted by oh yeah! at 8:04 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

I was you several years ago. I went to school because I felt like I had to; I picked an area of study that I thought would probably make it easy-ish for me to find a job, but the more I studied, the more I realized that I didn't want to be doing what I was doing, let alone do it for a living. I was in a new city, isolated from my friends. My family really pressured me about school, like, constantly. It was an utterly miserable time. I failed all my classes and dropped out. Yes, I was depressed.

I recently - in the past year - found a school that I like and decided to go back. I picked a new major. I got straight A's last semester. Where the thought of school once used to make me want to jump in front of a bus, I now love it - it's fun, I'm good at it, and I feel like I'm going somewhere with my degree. Not being depressed (and knowing that I have control over my situation, and am not obligated to do exactly what my family wants me to do at all times) makes my experience of things COMPLETELY different.

When I dropped out, my family acted like I had decided to voluntarily chop off a limb. To them, I was basically eliminating my future. But I needed time and space to deal with my depression without having other things riding on my ability to function "normally". I agree with everyone who has said that you need to seek mental health help. I also want to say that dropping out for a while so you can get your head together, find a better understanding of your priorities, and figure out what it is that you want to do with your life is fine.

I also want to agree with the people suggesting that a diagnosis of depression might help you get around the issue of your grades, should you want to go back to school sooner rather than later; if your school has an office for students with disabilities, go there and find out what kind of support they offer for students with mental illnesses. My current school's centre for students with disabilities is really great at dealing with administrative bullshit on the behalf of the students they represent.
posted by ellehumour at 8:26 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

I dropped out of college about a year after graduating from high school because of aimlessness. A few years later with constant persistence by my parents I landed a job which ended up being my career. In my late twenties I quit and went back to college to get a degree in that field and so far have lived happily ever after. Granted the economy is much crappier now but try to get a job in some sort of field that may interest you. I don't think you should get a call center job or fast food job just to pull in money unless it's the only thing available.

If you have no idea then look back at high school and decide what classes you liked best. Take it from there and see what work you can find with that background. If you can, try to talk to people in that career path to see what you need to do to get there.
posted by JJ86 at 8:27 AM on June 5, 2010

I dropped out of high school and my parents freaked. But I dropped back in after working part time at a restaurant.

Then I went to uni and graduated fine.

Trust me, you are not alone. My younger brother was in your situation. Dropped out of college for a few different fields until he found the right one.

Just one of life's blips.

The only thing that bothers me is that you say you flunked all your courses.

There has to be a reason for that. If you studied really hard and still flunked then you have to find skillsets you are good at. If you didn't study but are capable of doing a good job then maybe you need to fine something more passionate about.

In my opinion the most important thing is to find something you are passionate about. You will put in the required time and effort to become competent unless its a truly competitive field such as being in professional sports or a musician, etc.

How about web design? Not necessarily the technical stuff but they also require artsy, designer folks too.
posted by simpleton at 8:42 AM on June 5, 2010

And to be honest, your parents might be happy that you go into a different field which may be more in demand than your uni degree.

Think about this. Let's say you get your degree. Are there any jobs in that field?

Now think about a more concrete degree like web design, or even blue collar jobs. This may be more practical for you.

And in theory you could take a break from college and work at a restaurant or something and pay some of your bills and think about the direction you want to go.

Just make sure you have a plan to go back to either college or technical school.
posted by simpleton at 8:45 AM on June 5, 2010

I don't have much to add to the good advice already been given, but I will say this: I could have written this AskMe back when I was in college (the first time). Like, word-for-word. I quit school (with no plans to go back), and after a couple years I went back part time to Community College, where I figured out what I really wanted to do. It was only then that I had the drive/confidence to do it.

You may be depressed, you might not be, I don't know. But I can tell you this much: what you're doing now is not making you happy, so stop doing that. It'll get better, I promise. Just give yourself some time.
posted by AlisonM at 8:57 AM on June 5, 2010

i suggest you take a break from school. take it from someone who changed her major 3 three times, you need to re-evaluate before you end up blowing more money. talk to a school advisor. talk to a therapist. either way, figure out what it is that is going on with you right now. this will help you figure out what it is you don't want in life. that will narrow the playing field on what you want in the end.
posted by penguingrl at 11:14 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

drop out (no need to agonize, many top students graduated over the last couple of years are still looking for work). learn how to do something with your hands - become an emt, volunteer at an animal shelter, plant a garden. find someone worse off than you and help make their life better.
posted by kimyo at 11:48 AM on June 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

I agree with many here that you need to see a counsellor. I would add that if you do this through school, you should ask if it is possible to use your valid medical problem to drop the failing grades from your transcript.
posted by pickypicky at 12:09 PM on June 5, 2010

My take on your situation is slightly different from what has been offered so far. FWIW, one of my children did not feel she was ready for college -- despite underachieving in high school, she felt burned out by school and unhappy. She seemed depressed to me and generally unhappy about most things (her friends, her family, school, how she spent her free time). Sometime during her senior year after applying to and getting in to a bunch of good schools, she mentioned in kind of an off hand way that she would like to wait a year to go to college. the way she put it was that she didn't feel like she would be able to take advantage of college and what an education might offer. We highly value education in my family but I jumped on this because it seemed to me to be an important insight on her part, as I had concerns about how she might fair as well (I never expressed those in the slightest to her). She ended up volunteering for a year in Africa and, despite the hardships, she now says that it was the best thing she could've done at that point in her life. And I completely agree - she came back much more confident, much *much* happier and with a new perspective on furthering her education.

I'm not suggesting that you volunteer in Africa, but I think that if your parents are paying attention at all, they may already have a sense that college is not where you should be right now. It speaks very well of you that you realize that right now for you, college is not where you should be and that you may be wasting your parents money. If you talk to them -- and your parents deserve to know what is going on -- you may find that your parents are people who are more receptive than you might imagine to a new plan, at least for the near future.

If you leave college now, what to do? When my daughter first spoke to me about deferring, we agreed that staying home would not be a good plan. My sense was, and this may be the case with you, that what she needed was time on her own, doing something worthwhile that broadened her experience. We considered a number of different options -- the organization she volunteered for is worldwide, provides room and board during your stay and is generally highly regarded for either a high school year or a post high school volunteer year. There are costs involved but they would likely be less than a year's tuition plus board. You may or may not consider yourself an adventurer of the sort to leave your home country and spend six or 10 months in a new culture, but if you weigh the fear of doing something like this against the fear of things staying the same, you may find out that you are adventurous enough that the fear of things staying the same is greater than the fear of change. If you want to memail me about my daughter's experience, please do.
posted by bluesky43 at 12:34 PM on June 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

2nd picypicky's suggestion that see if you can a medical withdrawal for last semester just not have any of the grades count.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You need to care of your health and then find your own path through life that works for you. If you had pneumonia, no one would be expecting you to go to school at the same time. First you get better, get your energy back and then choose what path (college now,later or maybe never) makes sense for you. Tell your parents that it is a waste of time and money to struggle so hard and not learn anything because the depression can seriously interfere with your ability to study, remember and learn.

Once you start asking, you will be amazed to find out how many people don't take the traditional path (HS, college, job, marriage, family) through life. Depending on your high school, it may seem like EVERYONE goes to college when they are 18 and graduates at 21-22-23. Not true - browse the green pages for many, many people who have taken other paths.

Finally, in addition to whatever paid jobs you might take, you should also have at least one major project that lets you do something you are good at or make a difference in the world. If you are an artist, make sure you schedule time to actually do it. If you don't have the energy to do your art, find something simpler. Volunteer jobs are great because you can see that you did at least one thing right, that made a difference on that day. You may also discover job skills you didn't know you had. And most importantly, it gets you out of the house and out of your own head.

and final, finally, if you start wonder if you could stop yourself from stepping in front of the car or if you are thinking seriously that it is a good idea, you are in an emergency situation. Put the number of the crisis hotline in your phone NOW, just in case. If the urge is really strong, just call 911 and they will take you to the hospital.
posted by metahawk at 12:44 PM on June 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

Nthing those who say you sound depressed. I felt quite similar in college but started self-medicating with cocaine (NOT RECOMMENDED!!!) to get a social life, but while that worked in the short run, obviously it is not a good idea in long run.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, exercise and/or medication can work wonders. You will feel better-- but it may take some time before you find something that works for you. Also, with the help of these treatments, you do not have to be a loner if you don't want to be-- you can have the solitude you need *and* friends, which is a wonderful thing.

Pleasurelessness, lack of motivation, inability to make decisions, a sense of meaninglessness, social anxiety and isolation and suicidal urges are all depression symptoms-- for me, medication has made a huge difference and I wish I had known that before I became addicted to illegal drugs. I probably have some degree of Asperger's syndrome, which does incline me to social isolation, but again, understanding that has allowed me to learn to be socially fine and to really connect in a way that I didn't think possible.

For most of my childhood and adolescence, I was somehow unable to feel the love people actually did have for me-- I thought it was fake and that I somehow was inside so bad that people would only love me if I had something external (cocaine, money, status) to make up for it and give them. I also have a younger sister who I thought was the "new improved" version of me and I was the failed experiment.

All of that was really just depression. Don't believe that nonsense-- go get help and you will be amazed at how much better life can be!
posted by Maias at 2:40 PM on June 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

Wow, are you talking about me 40 years ago? Your description of yourself and your plight sounds exactly like what happened to me in college. However, as it turns out, I went away to college to learn how to become an A-1 alcoholic. I had started drinking some in high school, but boy howdy, when I was alone and independent at college, I made the dean's list of drinkers.

Your situation is different, but it sounds the same. The first couple years I did just enough class work to remain eligible. I really didn't want to be there, but this is what the parentals said I had to do. There were simply no questions asked, no debate, I was to be in college. The summer after sophomore year I stayed in the college town rather than going home. Needed to make up a couple classes to stay in good graces. But, I really became a booze hound then. The summer job I had? I made it to work maybe twice a week. Too hungover I told myself. Really, I just wanted to stay home and drink again.

By third year I said screw it. I didn't go to class. I didn't take tests. I just drank every day, and drank, and drank for 20 more years. The college gave me the wish I couldn't pry from my parents. They flunked me out. The rest of my adult life story you'll find scattered all over Ask Metafilter, but it took me 20 more years before I finally sought help.

You don't have to wait that long. I know your situation is different from mine, but if you don't do anything about it now, you'll be kicking yourself for the next 20 years just like I did. So seek help. Start with the people you trust the most. It may surprise you how much everyone will be on your side. They don't want to criticize you for messing up. They want to help you get better. Love is like that.

All my best to you. It will get better. You are worth it.
posted by netbros at 3:45 PM on June 5, 2010

Nthing major depression.

Nthing that your school's counseling center may be able to help you great deal, I'll bet money that they've helped students in similar situations before.

Most schools have excellent counseling centers, but on the off chance that you don't get the help you deserve, talk to a doctor or nurse in your school's health services. (And it's a good idea to talk to a doctor anyway.) Tell them the bit about stepping off a curb. They'll take notice, and do what they can to help.
posted by ladypants at 4:06 PM on June 5, 2010

"I need to reevaluate my life"

This. Not the rest of it. Don't frame it in terms of depression or failure. Frame it as, "This is not working. We can keep throwing money at it and it can keep not working, or we can try something else. We need another strategy." Make it pro-active, not an admission of their worst fears.

The thing is, [US] education tends to push College as the only "winning" goal. It's not. Plumbers, bricklayers, carpenters, mechanics, etc., are all jobs that pay well, can have reasonable benefits, and can afford a great deal of satisfaction to the right person. There's also the Military (where I wish I had gone), which offers some great futures and some powerful life-tools to take with you when/if you choose to get out --although there are some very serious risks to consider. Sales,k too: Some people are FABULOUS at sales and make a *great* living at it without a degree. Plus a host of alternative lifestyles and job options.

College is not the only path to a satisfying life available in this country. Don't expect your parents to be thrilled or even reasonable about it, but clearly (based on your purported grades) College is not right for you at this point in time.

Now, that said, some life-advice for YOU: You don't need to commit to dropping out. A college degree does make a lot of things easier, regardless of what you major in. It may not be the majority, but there are lots, and lots of students in this country (are you from the US?) who go off to college, then discover they're not ready. I was one of those. I got to college, which I was told all my life was where I was going to go after regular school ended, and discovered I had no idea WHY I was there. No anticipation of the future, no plans for what I wanted to do, sense of how education actually links up to my satisfaction and life success, and no clue what Life After School entailed.

I TRULY wish that I had taken time off to orient. (My father was all for it, but Mom _flipped_ and I didn't want the fight.) I might have decided on other avenues that were better suited to me, but I honestly believe I would have returned a year later with a better idea of how to make USE of this amazing opportunity my parents were offering me. Instead, I have spent the last 15+ years with a degree virtually useless to what I truly want to do with my life.

Your situation may be different, but there's no need to jump in at the deep end by insisting that you're "done." It may be that you don't fit in the college-bound mold, but it may also be that you're just not ready for college. If it's a "ready" problem, a year of working (_NOT SITTING ON YOUR *** IN YOUR PARENT'S LIVING ROOM_) can help a lot of things click. So hit the "pause" button and regroup. There may be some high drama, but it will pass.
posted by Ys at 6:17 PM on June 5, 2010

Whenever a question like this is asked, it pulls out so many stories of people who have been in the same situation, with the same feelings. Obviously, you are not alone. The beautiful part is how many of those stories say, "and I turned out fine."

I was depressed in college. I didn't see the point. I failed several classes. I dropped out. And now I'm a professor. Like so many have mentioned, I needed some time out of school to get some perspective. You've been in school your whole life, and all you really know about the rest of life is what you've been told. So you can list off the reasons for getting a degree that you've been told, but you don't really feel them. And to go through college, you should really know, for yourself, why you're doing it. It can be amazingly helpful to look at things from a drastically different situation in life. So far, you have a very limited perspective.

I had all these visions for myself, too. They all fell apart, yes. Not long after, though, once I found my own motivation, I was on my way to all of that and even more. I went back to school, did well in classes where I hadn't cared one way or the other before, continued to grad school, made it all the way through a PhD, and landed a good job in academia. The same academia I had left behind as pointless ten years earlier.

You can pick up the pieces, and you can work this out. Some concrete tips:

- Leave doors open whenever you can. You don't have to drop out if you can take a leave of absence. You can't predict the future, and keeping options open, even if you don't expect to use them, really can't hurt.

- Ask for help. This is difficult, but you've already started, here. It's truly amazing how many people are willing to help -- how many want to help. Just look above. And your school probably has counselors. You have your family. You can start talking about it with friends or acquaintances. Understand that not everyone will help, though, and that some requests will lead to nothing. Just ask other people. You will get support.

- Be smart about how you work on this. Know what your goal is -- to figure things out, yes, and try to be more specific as well. Do things that you think can help lead to that goal -- work in retail, volunteer abroad, and other things people have mentioned. Don't just stay in a familiar situation -- that hasn't given you the perspective you need so far, and it probably won't in the future, either. And be observant and mindful as you do this. Pay attention.

So far, your life has been laid out for you. It's time to take some control and take a needed detour. People will help you do this, and you will be in charge. You can't see where you'll end up, no one can, but please trust all of us when we say that there are good paths to be found.
posted by whatnotever at 4:37 AM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

Yeah, echoing everyone else, you sound like you have depression. Get it treated and then see how you feel. Maybe consider antidepressants. Lots of people have an issue with the idea of taking a pill to fix a problem but it's something you might want to consider.
posted by delmoi at 12:15 PM on June 6, 2010

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your responses. Your answers really gave me some much needed perspective. I've talked to my parents and we're sorting things out. So far, so good.
posted by herebedragons at 7:47 AM on June 7, 2010