How do I undo a breakup?

February 22, 2010 3:46 PM

I broke up with my (now ex) girlfriend five months ago. (The breakup surprised her) She went back with the b/f she had before me one or two months after our breakup; if I have the time line right she has now been with her current b/f for about three to four months. I'm still in love with this girl and regret not giving our three month relationship more time before I broke things off... How do I contact her to tell her this and what do I say? Looking for success stories...

We are both in our mid-20's; and this isn't just any girl; we were best friends for about four years; during year 1 I kept my feelings to myself; then year 2 she meets her current b/f and the relationship lasts a year (she breaks up with him); year 3 was the hardest for our friendship because I wanted a relationship and she was single...; during year 3 our friendship went on and off and I asked THIS question (sorry it was very long)... after that MeFi question I got back with her as friends (since I couldn't get over her) and wanted her in my life any way I could, so I came to terms with myself that if I wanted her in my life I would stop trying to go out with her... Well just as I thought I would be ok with this and shifted my thoughts to just be friends... she fell for me...

Our relationship lasted three months I think mostly because of our expectations; but nothing we couldn't have worked out had I given it more time... (We both loved each other) (This was my first relationship and her third) A week after the breakup I tried to get back with her and all I got from her is "What if it happens again?" and "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me", after that I attempted to talk to her and she just ignored me (I have had no contact for four months) Now she has moved away and is in a relationship; I know this, but she doesn't know I know...

I want to be respectful of her relationship but I rather have her tell me to be, instead of making the same mistake I made the first 3 years keeping my mouth shut.
Also, whether I should or should not get back with her is another issue... it goes to show how much I think she's worth it...
and, lastly I only have an E-mail for her and a number for her mother (who lives locally) for what it's worth.
Any help would be so greatly appreciated...
Throwaway e-mail (in case you wish to remain anonymous): [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (37 answers total)

No, you can't do this, you don't want to do this, and she definitely doesn't want you to do this. Forget about emailing her and sweet Jesus don't call her mother.
posted by Think_Long at 3:50 PM on February 22, 2010 [28 favorites]

You think she's worth it. Are you worth not putting yourself through this on-again-off-again semi-requited thing?
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 3:50 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

Too much drama.

Take it as a learning experience and move on.

Don't be shy about telling the next girl you fall for, that you've fallen for her.

Sorry to be harsh but that's the reality.
posted by dfriedman at 3:51 PM on February 22, 2010

whether I should or should not get back with her is another issue... it goes to show how much I think she's worth it...

No, it goes to show how much this was your first relationship.

Move on.
posted by flabdablet at 3:53 PM on February 22, 2010 [7 favorites]

let this relationship run its course. what if she finds happiness with this one? you'd be selfish to throw a wrench into it. If its not meant to be, you'll have another chance.

if it comes to an end, be available. as of right now though, listen to Think_Long.
posted by nihlton at 3:54 PM on February 22, 2010

You already tried to get back with her and she told you she's not interested, then ignored all further attempts at contact. For you to continue to pursue this would be very stalker-y.
posted by amro at 3:55 PM on February 22, 2010 [27 favorites]

I don't know why you want to get back with this girl. It sounds like she used you as a gap-filler during the break from the guy she's really in love with. She does not want you back. You should go and find a girl who really wants to be with you. That girl is out there. Good luck.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:55 PM on February 22, 2010 [4 favorites]

I want to be respectful of her relationship

If you really mean this, then you have to keep your mouth shut. Don't contact her. Don't contact her mother. Take up a new hobby, go traveling - something to distract you for now. It's hard and you're miserable and you're what-iffing. This is how it goes at the end of (some) relationships. Be a grown-up and leave her be.
posted by rtha at 4:00 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

How was the sex? Great? If the sex was great you've got a shot. If it wasn't great, you're probably done-for.
posted by notmydesk at 4:01 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

"A week after the breakup I tried to get back with her and all I got from her is "What if it happens again?" and "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me", after that I attempted to talk to her and she just ignored me (I have had no contact for four months)"

This should be enough for you. She wants to be left alone. She's not leading you on, she's not playing games to keep your attention, she's moved forward in her life and you're trying to ignore all her direct answers and requests. First of all that's rude, and second of all this can become harassment at some point. It has a harsh sound, but when a girl tells you no and follows through with that on her end, she really means no. Be respectful, like you wrote.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 4:11 PM on February 22, 2010 [14 favorites]

amro: "You already tried to get back with her and she told you she's not interested, then ignored all further attempts at contact. For you to continue to pursue this would be very stalker-y."

Leave out the "-y". No means No.

I'm sorry.
posted by Joe Beese at 4:16 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

I want to be respectful of her relationship but I rather have her tell me to be

Check your rearview mirror. She has already told you to be.
posted by jon1270 at 4:20 PM on February 22, 2010

amro and Tequila Mockingbird have it. Sorry dude; I know the feelings that go along with this situation :(. But it's just not going to happen, or at the very least, there is nothing you can do to make it happen.
posted by Jacen Solo at 4:21 PM on February 22, 2010

This one is never going to stop hurting. Nothing you do will magically eliminate the pain. Better to accept this now while preservng your dignity. Let it go.
posted by milarepa at 4:24 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

Being that this is your first relationship, you don't have the perspective that comes from having more relationships. We've all been there and made bad decisions or handled things poorly, or wanted someone back. You just need to put yourself into situations where you have a chance to meet someone else who is really cool and ask them out. Have some life experiences and don't get caught up in feeling like this is going to be a major regret. There will probably be a sting when you think about this person, but you'll move on, she'll move on, and you'll learn to be the person you need to be when you meet the right person not to lose them.
posted by cali59 at 4:28 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

How *does* she know it won't happen again? You pursued her for 3 years and then abruptly dumped her after 3 months?

If if you hadn't said it was your first relationship ... that sounds like the actions of someone who maybe has an idealized, unrealistic view of what relationships are actually like, and the difference between how someone is in your mind when you're crushing on them and what actually dating them is like. I think she probably doesn't want to risk dealing with all that again.

I agree with everyone else, I think it's best to just learn from this and start fresh with someone else.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:42 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

"I want to be respectful of her relationship"; if this were true, you would leave her alone and let her have her relationship. if she wanted to be in touch with you, she'd have sought you out.
posted by radiosilents at 4:50 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

A creative writing exercise:
Try writing a question to Ask Mefi from her perspective AFTER you've contacted her mother about this, in which she explains how you ended up together, how you dumped her, and how you called her mom to get her contact info.

Now imagine all the answers where people tell her to run away and to start keeping a journal in anticipation of filing for a restraining order.

BTW- you sound like a younger me: I wanted what I couldn't have, once I had it I didn't want it anymore, and once I lost it I REALLY wanted it. All you can do is let this one go and not let it happen again.
posted by coolguymichael at 4:56 PM on February 22, 2010 [6 favorites]

I should add that, 30 years later, I still miss the girl I did this to. As milarepa says, that will never go away. Just move on.
posted by coolguymichael at 4:59 PM on February 22, 2010

How was the sex for her? Great? If the sex for her was great you've got a shot. If she thought it wasn't great, you're probably done-for.

Fixerated. And even if sex with you was mindblowingly good, this is still the shitty idea of all shitty ideas. Don't do it. Don't email her. Don't (for the love of god, don't) contact her mother. Move on, and let it become a nice memory for both of you.
posted by Forktine at 4:59 PM on February 22, 2010 [6 favorites]

If you do this, you're going to freak her out and make a fool of yourself. If I were in her position and I had told you no, and exactly why no, and I had moved on and was in another relationship, I would feel all the following:

- kind of scared if you persisted,
- irritation at the intrusion,
- insulted at the lack of respect for my wishes, and
- something like disgust that you wouldn't have the ability to get on with life, as opposed to finding it endearing or romantic that you missed me.

None of these things are positive or attractive, and they will all serve to kill whatever remaining friendly feelings she might have toward you. Real life is not a romantic comedy where if you plead enough the woman will become convinced that you're her One True Love, especially not after you've already jerked her around once. Real people find that upsetting and off-putting, and it sounds like your ex has a basic level of self-respect so just back off.
posted by Nattie at 5:02 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

You're allowed a little breakup remorse.

But as others have said, you're not allowed to attempt to get her back without doing a whole lot more damage to yourself and to her. There was a reason you broke up with her, and it might have something to do with those expectations you both had that you just couldn't meet. I'd venture to guess they'll never be met (not by her and maybe not by anyone. Take this as an opportunity to examine those. Secretly pining is a lot more romantic than managing a relationship in real life. Only three months? Yeah, that's about when reality starts making itself known).

Getting out of your first big relationship takes a lot of diligent carving to get back to where you were before it began. (I'm in the middle of that process right now myself, and it's a brutal lesson).
There are a lot of threads here about how to move on. Here's one. Here's another. Good luck.
posted by inkytea at 5:13 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

You need to trust that she knows what you want (because you've told her) and that she knows what she wants (because she's told you).

She does not need to explicitly request that you be respectful of her relationship. Regardless of the pain you're feeling, regardless of your desire to get back together, you do not get a pass to behave disrespectfully toward her or anyone else.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:15 PM on February 22, 2010

I'm a big believer in the kind of "advice" that I think you're looking for: other people's stories, their feelings and ideas. So, I'm not going to tell you what I would do in your shoes. What I would do is based on my successes and my mistakes, and I wouldn't dare remove you from having your successes and mistakes.

I will say that I've had successes and failures with this kind of thing, and that I've seen it from every corner of the triangle. I don't think trying to fit a story that might make you think that your efforts are destined for gratification or failure is going to help you do what you need to do, which is to focus on the most profound thoughts of your internal voice-- the ones that are past "I want", "I could live without", "I need", "I could give her up"... the ones where all the pieces come together and you know what you need to do and not do.

I think you need to figure out what you should do (or not do) for yourself, but just to politely disagree with everyone calling you a stalker (holy crap!) It's not 'stalker-y" to send someone an email that says "Hi So-And-So. I still have feelings for you. It's okay if you don't feel the same way. Let me know if we can meet for tea."

Maybe you get an email back "Sorry, we can't." Maybe you see her and boyfriend picks her up after your half hour is up. Maybe you see her and you realize that you're done with her, but she's not done with you. Maybe she's done.

What I'm saying is, when the rocks below, say: "Throw your skinny body down, son!" You goddamn jump (which might mean moving on.) Whatever you decide, be courageous.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 5:22 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

Grow up. Move on.
posted by ook at 5:32 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

It's not 'stalker-y" to send someone an email that says "Hi So-And-So. I still have feelings for you.

It's not wrong to contact an ex to say you still have feelings for her and would like another chance. However, the OP has already done that. His ex responded that she was not interested. The OP continued to attempt contact. His ex has declined to be in contact.

OP, once someone has made it clear that she is not interested in a relationship or even in casual contact, it is disrespectful and even stalker-like behavior to persist in contacting her. Persisting in attempting contact under these circumstances shows selfishness, not love or care for the other person. If/when your ex wants to be in contact, she'll be in contact.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:38 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

It's time to move on. This was your first relationship; go see what else is out there.
posted by sid at 7:56 PM on February 22, 2010

Ah, the stories where you drive 30 hours after your high school love has gotten engaged because your entire sweet relationship was starcrossed and you were too young and she took you back because of your valiant attempt - THIS IS NOT THAT. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE.

You are just a kid who didn't know what a good thing he had, and he lost it, and it probably would have ended anyway of its own accord, like first relationships do. Or this is a guy who had a relationship and it was just a relationship, and then he ended it, and then he was scared to be alone, and now he's freaking out.

NOT RESPONDING TO YOU ISN'T A GAME. IT'S HER NOT WANTING TO BE IN CONTACT WITH YOU. We do this because if we give people like you anything you just GRAB ONTO IT. And this is what my guy friends have told me to do.

You will be a stalker if you CALL HER MOTHER. Seriously? CALL HER MOTHER? If her mother has a brain she'll think you're a stalker and it won't get you any points with the girl. You really just need to date some more women. Don't make every one THE one, because they're not. Just date. Go out. Ask girls out. Put up a personal ad. Ask your friends to fix you up. Date a lot. That will put this in perspective.
posted by micawber at 7:58 PM on February 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

You'd be a fool not to listen closely to just about every one of these posts in your thread. They're dead-on. What you're feeling is nothing new... it's not unique in any way, shape, or form. I don't mean that to minimize your feelings or patronize you. But what everyone is saying is "we've been there, done that, ideally, this is what you should do and not do". You asked. There's no easy way out, but what you're proposing is sure to go horrifically bad. That part about contacting her mother, well Think_Long said it best with, "sweet Jesus", no. You'll hate yourself the minute she picks up the phone and you open your mouth.

Time heals all wounds dude... it couldn't be truer. To not believe it now is just a symptom of the heartache, the cost of doing business. You may never forget her and that's fine. Having a "one that got away" on your resume is OK. One day you'll sit down for a sandwich and suddenly realize, "huh, I haven't thought about her in like 4 days until just now and that's only because I know she likes pickles, interesting, and I never thought...". Stay busy, and listen to micawber, date.

And even better, when a new girl catches your eye, it starts all over again. That's livin'.
posted by Witty at 8:43 PM on February 22, 2010

I'm kind of sorry for your sake that this thread is so unanimous. But without boring you with my stories of personal foolishness, let's just say that none of my attempts to get back together with people worked out.
posted by salvia at 8:49 PM on February 22, 2010

I think you know by now what the mefi consensus is. A big fat Regret, Forget, Move on.

But I've got a bit to add about the 'forgetting' part. Please, for the love of every wonderful girl who comes into your life here on after, forget this girl. Do not idolise this 'first love'. Please let her go, learn from your experience and become a wonderful boyfriend for your upcoming 'great love' who is coming around the corner, if you have your eyes open.
posted by Kerasia at 11:17 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

For great success: learn this hard lesson about the relationships between successful romance, patience, hard "emotional" work and commitment, let this woman fade into your memory, and start a new love with a clean slate.
posted by RMQ at 1:59 AM on February 23, 2010

Sure, you could have worked things out. But you know what? Almost any relationship can continue if you "work things out." That doesn't mean they should, or that this is the right course of action here.

Even if reapproaching this woman at some point is the right idea, it is the completely wrong idea at this time. She's pushed you away. She is in a relationship. You, most likely, have not had any sort of fulfilling relationship since then and your two points of comparison are being with her, and nothing. Find a third point of comparison.
posted by mikeh at 7:52 AM on February 23, 2010

You said you were looking for success stories, but somehow ended up with clamorous denunciation, which is surprising given all of the stories I've heard of people who got back together, got married, etc.

I know that the "metafilter consensus" means well-- like an overprotective parent, like food poisoning and never eating sushi again, like "I tried that and it was humiliating." Since I'm not placing bets on your success, I thought I should give you the advice you need, rather than conclusions derived from a myriad of similar situations. I quoted Morrissey as a friendly and hilarious way to warn you of melodramatic delusion, but that warning is besides the question.

I don't really believe that stories of my triumphs will help you. Ultimately, you'll have to choose between obeying the mob and obeying your heart.

PS If you do contact her, you might consider having an answer for her dealbreaking question: "What if this happens again?"
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 4:36 PM on February 23, 2010

"which is surprising given all of the stories I've heard of people who got back together, got married, etc."

Persisting after you have explicitly been told it's over and have not heard from her in four months is something creeps do.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:58 AM on February 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

No, he'll have to choose between stepping into stalker territory, or moving on. Because stalkers also believe that they and only they are destined to be with the woman they are pursuing. Sometimes without even ever speaking to that woman. No stalker thinks that the woman doesn't want their attention. They think they are right.
posted by micawber at 6:38 PM on February 24, 2010

This is ridiculous exaggeration. It's just an email. It doesn't make you a stalker or a creep. Haven't you ever gotten an email from an ex-lover after you broke things off?
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 1:04 AM on March 4, 2010