Crazy card alert? Please, help me sort out my relationship, MeFi world!
posted by LemonGardot to Human Relations (15 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I met J 6 months ago, and we started talking. He had come out of a 2 year relationship about 4 months prior which ended when the girl cheated on him. He and I hit it off and we've been dating for about 5 months. Before we began dating I had asked him about his previous relationship and he had mentioned that he wasn't completely over his ex, but I didn't think a lot of it since we weren't too serious at that point. In the past few months, however, we have gotten more serious, and he recently told me he's been thinking about "expressing the L-word" (this came after a little breakdown I had after he told me he still wasn't completely over the ex--after 6 months of dating me...and 10 months of being broken up with her). The breakdown came after frustrations built up inside me from thinking that after 6 months, he should be over this other girl. In my mind, I guess I assume or expect myself to be enough for him to be "over her" completely, and when he told me he is about 90% over her (--to me, anything less than 100% was unacceptable), that made me feel inadequate, like I wasn't enough. When I had asked him, "Are you over her?", I had expected an immediate, "yes", so when i got, "I mean, I don't want to be with her, but I don't want to see her making out with someone because that would be weird, so I guess maybe not 100% yet", I was floored. Anyway, I confronted him about it because it had been bugging the crap out of me and here are some facts:
1. He said he is "100% about us". He doesn't want to be with anyone else, he wants me completely, there is no one else he wants emotionally or romantically.
2. He said that when he sought the advice of friends about the situation (re: his not being completely over her while dating me), his friends told him that it sounded like he WAS completely over her, so if it had been them in the situation, they would have said that yes, they were 100% over the ex (according to the facts and info he gave).
3. He ran into the ex a few days ago (again, after 10 months), and said he felt 0 feelings for her, though he said running into her was a little weird.
I tend to cope with relationships by making breakups pretty painful and messy. This is a coping mechanism for me because in my head, I think if I can be friends with an ex, why not sleep with him. Yes, I know this is messed up, so in order for that NOT to happen, I tend to go a little crazy at the ends. Because of this, I notice that at the end of relationships, or if I think I'm wasting my time, or if I'm not happy, or if I sense the other person is not happy and wants to break up, I'll start picking fights, being a bitch, basically sabotaging the relationship so the other person eventually break ups with me, so it looks like I'm the victim and he's the asshole bad guy. Writing this out here, I know it's incredibly cowardly, but I recently had a situation where I broke up with a boyfriend of 2 years (this was my last relationship 2 years ago), and tried to be friends with him. We ended up sleeping together for 6 months after we broke up which just prolonged the pain of the breakup. I figure if I hate the guy after we break up, it lends a certain sense of superiority to me because if I ever see him again I think kind of "look what you had but you can't have it anymore". Again, f-ed up. I know.
The feelings I have about the relationship are that it's fun, I really like him, but because I'm moving and had known that I would probably be moving when we started dating, things have always, in my mind, been a little halted. In other words, I've noticed at first I was afraid to really get invested because I don't want to invest in something or (god this sounds horrible) waste my time with something if it is going to fizzle out once I move. On the other hand, another part for some reason feels like I am putting this relationship on some sort of timeline, like we should start having sex at this time, or the L-word should happen at this point, or we should meet parents at this point, or its too early to start saying i miss you or this should have happened already, etc. etc. and its been driving me BONKERS.
Am i being unrealistic in my expectations of him and of this relationship? is it unrealistic to want one of those relationships where you are blissful, with no worries about exes, and no anticipating when anything will happen or freak out if something doesn't happen, without any timelines, when two people are crazy about each other and there is nothing else that distracts either of the two people from each other? Am I playing the crazy card?? Can this relationship, or any for that matter, still grow into a love while his heart, at least part of it, is apparently still clinging, even a little bit, to a past ex? Maybe I am a love-whore, and want to amass love from people without really loving them back. Does this sound manipulative?
MeFi, how can I alter my thinking about how he feels about the ex and about me? What can I do to be ok with how he feels right now? What would you do? What is my best course of action for this situation. Thank you thank you.