help me (female) ejaculate

December 13, 2009 9:28 AM

female ejaculation filter: I'm so doing it wrong!

So I've never actually done the ejaculation thing, despite often feeling like I was about to. This brings me here with two questions. Last night while masturbating I was very, very on the verge of gushing when at the last minute I just closed it off. This was mostly out of fear of ruining my down duvet, but also that knee-jerk OH NOES THIS FEELS LIKE PEEING reaction kicked in. However this particular time I definitely closed the floodgates after they'd already been flung open, and I think I hurt myself. I didn't actually gush any fluid, but immediately after I orgasmed I felt excruciating pain shoot up my vagina and just stay there for about 30 minutes. Sharp pain in my whole bladder/lower abdomen area that was so bad I thought I was going to throw up. I finally drank enough water to be able to pee, which operated as normal, and that made the sharp pain subside. I am still, 24 hours later, left with a dull pain in that area (more like in my back, I guess kidneys?) especially when I first sit down.

What the heck did I DO? I've been reading almost everything I can about squirting and the whole physiological shabang, but can't connect anything that pertains to my situation. I am sure I had an empty bladder before I started, so it probably wasn't actually urine. My best guess is that all the fluid backed up in my urethral tube and suckerpunched my bladder, hard. Has anyone had a similar experience, or just a better understanding of this whole business?

If I still have dull pain tomorrow, I'm thinking about going to the doctor -- is there anything they can do for me at the immediate care? To clarify, I'm sure I don't have a uti, am not pregnant, and have never had any other complications down there (and I know you're not my doc).

Aside from my immediate "wtf vagina pain?", I'm looking for tips on how to get past the physical inhibition I have about squirting and if in fact that's what my body is trying to do... See, I feel this unbearable pressure whenever I'm having a blended (vaginal + clitoral) orgasm that really feels like I have to urinate coupled with the usual oh-my-god-top-of-the-roller-coaster-weee feeling. I just don't know how to get over that last loop, so I just kind of float on that tingly feeling and think "wow that was a good orgasm" but sometimes with the lingering thought of "but could it have been BETTER??" I know, intellectually, that if I ejaculate it is NOT pee, but in the heat of the moment, it being that same exact sensation makes it hard to just let go! I WANT to experience this exquisite, mysterious reaction of the female body, so how can I just let myself? Tips for myself or boyfriend welcome!

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (17 answers total)

try pleasuring yourself in the shower?
posted by lizbunny at 10:04 AM on December 13, 2009

Maybe put a thick, absorbent towel (or two) on the bed (or wherever) underneath you before you start masturbating? Or, if you're really worried that there's going to be a lot of liquid, put some sort of plastic under the sheets, then your sheets, THEN a towel? It's not the sexiest thing in the world, but maybe knowing that you won't ruin any of your bedding will give you the mental freedom to let whatever's going to happen just happen. Then when you're done, just toss the whole lot in the washer/laundry pile, which takes all of 30 seconds.
posted by AlisonM at 10:13 AM on December 13, 2009

So what if it's pee?
posted by yarly at 10:24 AM on December 13, 2009

Well, I first decided to read this out of pure...shall we say interest and curiosity in the subject, but then I may actually possibly know the answer to what happened.

Could it be water hammer? I'm a mechanical engineer for a water utility. I was reading this and thinking that it was sounding similar to a problem in a water pipe.

I have no idea about lasting physiological effects, but I have a possible engineer's explanation. If water is flowing through a pipe and is suddenly stopped--like if a valve was suddenly slammed into place--then this causes a pressure wave. You said you felt like you are guessing you were punched in the bladder? In a matter of speaking, you could be right. Water has mass and velocity. You suddenly threw the floodgates and tried to stop the water. The water is already in motion and thus has a certain momentum. Wham! And the pressure wave could have propagated up your urethra. Wham!

Large pipelines have many devices and methods to reduce water hammer. When a large pipeline has to be shut, they use these huge butterfly valves that can take hundreds of turns of a wheel and several minutes to shut; they close very slowly. Also, there are bypass valves so that if there's a wave of pressure, it can basically travel around the valve--less damage. These are just two methods off the top of my head.

This could be why they say it's bad to stop peeing once you start. Possible water hammer? I don't know; I'm no doctor. But it's interesting, right?

Good luck! Hope the pain goes away.
posted by rybreadmed at 10:39 AM on December 13, 2009 [10 favorites]

In terms of actually being able to "let go" - I must have a totally empty bladder, otherwise that reflex kicks in. TOTALLY empty - like, go pee, then get straight into bed and go to it. I also need to be pretty well hydrated, which is sort of paradoxical, depending on how long it takes me to get to orgasm.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:56 AM on December 13, 2009

Pee before you get down to business. This is also just a good idea for UTI prevention. Put down towels or get it on in the shower.

Try to attain the zen of orgasm. That is DON'T. THINK. about it. At all. Just let it be. Enjoy it.

The best tip I've heard for ejaculating (that I heard from a professional sex professional) is to bear down rather than tense up. Really, really ride it as hard as you can and, well, bear down. (I don't know how else to describe it.) (This did work for me, YMMV.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:53 AM on December 13, 2009

1. enter shower.
2. try again.
posted by mezamashii at 12:31 PM on December 13, 2009

That pee-panic thing is totally, totally normal before you ejaculate. You don't actually pee, and the sensation is knocked out of the way by the orgasm.

But hey, don't panic. You're by yourself, you've got your thick towel beneath you, you're masturbating in search of gushing, there's no-one around to know if you're wrong and you leak a little urine. After you ejaculate a few times, though, you'll hopefully be comfortable riding through that "eeek! must pee!" sensation and trusting that it's just a sign that you're about to ejaculate.

As for the pain, it also maybe could've been a weird muscle-cramp aftershock from all that tension?
posted by desuetude at 2:03 PM on December 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

I got one of these lined, fluid-proof Fascinator sex blankets and never worry about anything anymore. It's very cozy and good for snuggling, too!
posted by aquafortis at 2:04 PM on December 13, 2009

I'm not equipped for it myself but I've helped a couple women experience it. That about-to-pee feeling is what you're lookng for, it's the precursor to the female ejaculation. Do whatever you have to to feel safe about letting it happen, whether it's towels or being in the shower. Ultimately it's about giving yourself permission. The first time's the hardest; once you've done it the next time's not going to be far behind.
posted by scalefree at 3:50 PM on December 13, 2009

One time I had an ovarian cyst burst after having sex (where I did have a good orgasm). I was in an immense amount of pain and broke a cold sweat for about 15 minutes. I didn't have any lingering pain, but it was definitely a WTF? moment because at the time I had no idea I had cysts. So perhaps that's a possibility?
posted by FergieBelle at 5:12 PM on December 13, 2009

Shower + a little tipsy or stoned (or whatever mildly alters your consciousness). Yay!

I know you said you're sure you don't have a UTI, but this "I finally drank enough water to be able to pee, which operated as normal, and that made the sharp pain subside." sounds exactly like my fun UTI that I was sure wasn't a UTI (I don't get the burning pee thing). Good thing you're going to a doctor, and I would suggest getting the tests for UTI just to be sure (it's just a urine test).
posted by kathrineg at 6:10 PM on December 13, 2009

Muscle spasm?
posted by intermod at 7:56 PM on December 13, 2009

Oh, and look up retrograde ejaculation. I hear from a male friend that it is similar to what you describe. Also, he winced. Take that how you will.
posted by kathrineg at 9:09 PM on December 13, 2009

Intermod is probably right. It's possibly a cramp of some kind. There's a ring-shaped muscle around the anal sphincter that can sometimes cramp when (or if) some people strain when defacating. It's entirely possible that a similar cramp happened here: immediately after orgasm, so vaginal muscles have contracted and part of the muscle just isn't letting go and relaxing afterwards.

Interesting that drinking lots of water (& thus filling your bladder) helped - that stretches the bladder, and surrounding muscles. Stretching out a muscle is the usual treatment for a cramp, so if this post-orgasm cramp happens again, try *gently* inserting a dildo and using it to *gently* stretch the area affected.

IANAD. IA(also)NAgirl.
posted by flutable at 2:35 AM on December 14, 2009

flutable... obviously. *shudder*

(The orifice appropriate for insertion of dildos is not involved in peeing or ejaculating. They are very much not the same size. Also, oh fuck ow ow ow.)
posted by restless_nomad at 1:48 PM on December 14, 2009

I know exactly where you are coming from (pun intended). For the longest time, I was only ever able to ejaculate when with my partner. When by myself, I would do just like you and stop just short of the finish line. It wasn't that he had the magic touch, it's just that he was persistent and would not stop even if I asked him to.

I'd suggest that you and your boyfriend tackle this together. Make sure he's educated on the subject and knows how to find the proper spot etc (back of pubic bone). Encourage him to pleasure you and not stop, even if you ask him. Of course you should arrange some kind of safe word in advance so he will know when he NEEDS to stop should you need it.

Set the mood as much as you can. Do whatever gets you the most excited, be it candle light and flowers or light bondage. Also, try using a lot of lube. If you are already very wet, you might be less self-conscious about ejaculating.

Once you do it the first time, if you enjoy it as much as I did, you'll find that it gets easier. After a few successes with your partner, try to do it solo. It can still be a little difficult forcing yourself over the hump when you're alone, I still have trouble with it some of the time. But as you learn to relax and trust your body, you might find you're capable of much more than you thought. ;)
posted by bloody_bonnie at 11:36 PM on January 14, 2010