Can you make me come?

September 12, 2011 9:00 PM

Help me improve sex with my boyfriend. NSFW of course.

I've been having a lot of sex with my new boyfriend and I'd like suggestions on how we can improve things. Specifically I'm having trouble reaching orgasm either through penetration or non-penetrative means. However when my boyfriend goes down on me, it feels unbelievably intense and I expel large quantities of clear fluid. I'm talking serious amounts here, enough to soak through the blanket and the sheets. My boyfriend and I love this. I think this is female ejaculate (it certainly smells nothing like urine) but I am confused as I don't really feel like I'm orgasming when this happens -- or at least nothing like the usual orgasm I experience, which occurs after lots and lots of indirect clitoral stimulation (usually half an hour or more).

Which brings me to the fact that despite lots of trying, my boyfriend and I haven't really been able to get me to come via either manual stimulation with his hands or via penetration. And honestly, I haven't felt that close to coming either. This is frustrating to me, as I've always come pretty reliably on my own and I want to know what we can do. What usually happens nowadays is that he fingers me and licks me, we have penetrative sex, he comes and then I touch myself until I come with him stroking me everywhere. We've tried me on top, but it just doesn't feel as satisfying to me and I must admit I also find it hard to sustain all that bumping up and down for any length of time. He's much more athletic than I am. So, what to do? Or do I not really have a problem and the ejaculation a form of orgasm in itself, albeit one I'm not used to? A bit confused.

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 answers total)

manual stimulation + penetration. they are not mutually exclusive.
posted by gnutron at 9:07 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

[folks, question is about sex, not relationships.]
posted by jessamyn at 9:11 PM on September 12, 2011

Perhaps more foreplay? More cuddling beforehand, and his saying sweet nothings may help get you in the mood.

As for the clear fluid, I've experienced this with women - no orgasm, but plenty of fluid.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:15 PM on September 12, 2011

I do the random fluids too, it's not an orgasm but it feels good. I think it's equivalent to male prostate stimulation, maybe?

Anyway, have you considered a vibrator? Smaller ones can help immensely.

I also have difficulty orgasming via someone else stimulating me. It's because I am really picky about the specific type of stimulation, speed, etc. Practice makes perfect, and don't pressure yourself to orgasm in any one way. All orgasms are welcome :)
posted by the young rope-rider at 9:21 PM on September 12, 2011

You wouldn't be the first woman who had trouble achieving orgasm.

Consider having your fella put his hand/fingers over yours when you're touching yourself so he becomes familiar with the manner in which you pleasure yourself.

As for your liquids - yes, ejaculation. Some women ejaculate without having an orgasm. Others with one.
posted by FlamingBore at 9:26 PM on September 12, 2011

Your statement that you can't reach an orgasm coupled with the statement "I touch myself until I come with him stroking me everywhere", don't sync.

Relax... I suspect there isn't anything physically wrong, and I also suspect that there is some pressure/tension around feeling like there should be some fireworks when you do it.... the expectation of mandated fireworks pulls the fuses out of most pyrotechnic devices!

Take your time, get to know each other, enjoy what sounds like a very pleasant physical relationship, and don't lock yourselves into perceived roles and responses...it is what it is and it is different for everyone.
posted by tomswift at 9:30 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

IANAD, but that definitely sounds like you are ejaculating. I'd tell you to Google squirting, but you will wind up getting a ton of porn that way (maybe you should watch some of it?). Anyhow, try every position, try having him do oral longer with just tongue, or just manual stimulation, or prop yourself up with pillows during missionary. Get a small vibrator.

Tl;dr: experiment!
posted by Mister Fabulous at 9:30 PM on September 12, 2011

I don't believe you are ejaculating, you're just getting simply wet, which is GREAT! This is normal. Sometimes it can take up to an hour for some women to reach orgasm. The biggest sex organ is your brain I say, so try to relax and let your mind wander to places that normally make you climax. Don't think about your orgasm too much. Thinking tends to kill the libido, a bit. Go for it!
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 9:41 PM on September 12, 2011

I'd suggest gradually working up from what you know works. The next time you do "and then I touch myself until I come with him stroking me everywhere" have him pay attention to what you're doing. The time after that, have him finish you off. Gradually, have him take on more of the touching you stuff until you come. One you have that, try incorporating the same thing while fucking you through "penetrative means".

If you're more or less satisfied with how it's going though ... there are worse things in life.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:50 PM on September 12, 2011

Try standing?
posted by Chutzler at 9:59 PM on September 12, 2011

The important thing isn't whether you're having "proper" or "official" orgasms; it is whether you're enjoying yourself. If it takes a form that you don't think is correct, or that you're not used to, but it feels fantastic (ie "my boyfriend and I love this"), then you might consider focusing on getting as much of that as possible, and not worrying about the why and what of it. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not broken or any such thing, and the less you focus on how you get what you want (and more on just getting more of it) the better off you'll be.

more via memail if you're interested
posted by davejay at 10:04 PM on September 12, 2011

Have you tried having sex doggy style, so that you can more easily touch yourself during penetration? If you climax most easily from touching yourself, maybe you can incorporate that into your lovemaking more.

The "very intense" feelings you have may come from him stimulating your g-spot. Now, there's a lot of controversy over the g-spot, and whether all women have one and whether it is actually part of the clitoris, and some scientists think there is no such thing while others consider it like the female version of a male prostate. Women who report enjoying g-spot stimulation also often experience what is known as female ejaculation, like the liquids you and your boyfriend are experiencing. The important thing is whether you feel like this is as pleasurable for you as the clitoral stimulation. Sounds like you don't, and that's fine. You can experiment with that some more, or you can try other things. There are no set rules to what is right or wrong.

Showing your boyfriend how you touch yourself, by placing his hands over yours, is an excellent suggestion if you want to work on manual stimulation with him. You can also give him feedback vocally about what feels best for you. Another thing to try is you wearing a blindfold and him touching you. Not being able to see what he is about to do ramps up the anticipation for you and takes some of the pressure off of him worrying over whether he is doing it "right".

The important takeway here, though, is that, as davejay says, whatever makes you feel good is fine, and you are not broken because you orgasm one way and not another. You and your boyfriend should not feel disappointed if you are both having orgasms, no matter how they come about.
posted by misha at 11:11 PM on September 12, 2011

All people are different, I've learned.
posted by tumid dahlia at 12:20 AM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Talk dirty.
posted by krilli at 3:10 AM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Stop thinking about it.
posted by LZel at 12:38 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]