Female premature orgasm

September 12, 2011 2:19 PM

Any advice or tips for a woman who orgasms prematurely?

I'm a straight mid-twenties woman, and basically, I orgasm too quickly when I'm having sex with my boyfriend. As a woman, I know this is sort of a "luxury" problem for women, but there it is. It's with oral, but especially with penetrative sex (anal is the "worst", ie. I come the quickest). Vibrators get me off in under a minute so I try not to use them during partnered sex.

When I'm aroused, I usually climax immediately, sometimes making intercourse last like 2 minutes, 7 if I'm really diligent about changing to positions I like less. I try to slow down, change posiions, etc - but when it has felt good in that way, it's like a point of no return. I always sort of convince myself in the moment "this feels so good, I will definitely be able to continue after coming this time!" - but right after orgasm, I feel completely non-sexual and continuing is the last thing I want to do. Then, either I continue having sex anyway until my partner comes (but that feels kind of uncomfortable, and sort of ruins my orgasm "feeling good want to cuddle glow"), or b) we stop having sex, and my boyfriend doesn't come (bummer for him). What works best is either me finishing him off orally or coming at the same time - but still I would like the sex to last longer.

It's been the same with previous partners, so it's not like I'm with some kind of super sex machine. This only happens when I'm aroused - if I try to have sex unaroused, I can last longer, but then I don't enjoy the sex at all, so that's not really a solution either. (For me, being aroused is mostly a mental thing about being in the right state of mind - I don't necessarily need a lot of foreplay. I also try to avoid too much foreplay sometimes, so as not to come too quickly and not even get to the penetrative sex part.)

So, I know multiple orgasms is a real thing for some women. Is that something I could train myself to achieve? Does anyone have the same "problem" and have any tips or ideas for what I could try - either for stretching out the length of intercourse or being able to go again? Thanks in advance, girls and guys.

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 answers total)

get him close to getting off, then get to business. both get what they want.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:24 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

the whole thing about multiple orgasms is the same as the primary one. Your head has to be completely in it. Our brains are our most sexual organs, so if you expect sex, loving, funtime to end with your orgasm, it will. Also if you expect your partner, and your partner alone to furnish all of you sexual excitment I can see why you just want to curl up and enjoy the post orgasmic haze.

the secondary orgasms for me are less intense and longer, more drawn out by the primary one so I start to focus on the things about my partner's pleasure that really thrill me, his breathing , his obvious into-me-ness, his awesome ass, etc., etc. YMMV

By focussing on his enjoyment of me, or my latest fantasy images, storylines, even if my second orgasm doesn't happen I still am totally in the zone.


my final question is when you orgasm alone is it the same sensation intensity wise as your shared experience orgasms?
posted by Wilder at 2:29 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

As a guy, I'm not in any position to tell you how to go about lasting longer or how to have multiple orgasims. But I'll say this, if a guy was coming here with the same problem all the girls would say, make sure she has an orgasm even if you come first...make sure she gets hers to. So no matter what, just know that having sex is about both people having an orgasm. So while yes it'd be great if you could figure out a way to last longer, even if you can't there will always be ways to help your boyfriend orgasm. Whether it's switching to oral, hands, butt...whatever works. You may find that when you start doing oral that you become aroused again. So you can always go back into intercourse if this is the case. Beyond that...I'm not sure what to tell you about lasting longer. Usually different positions seem to create different levels of orgasm for women, at least in my experience. I would imagine that trying different positions would help a lot. I also think that Ironmouth's suggestion is a good one as well, but not all the time. I'm sure some of the ladies on here will make some meaningful suggestions to help you. Just have fun...that's always key.
posted by ljs30 at 2:33 PM on September 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

Doesn't seem like a great idea, but ... Local anaesthetic? There are creams that make you somewhat numb.

There are training methods and literature available for men who would like to postpone orgasm. Some of them work; Suggest you look into them? Surely there's something that can be adapted.
posted by krilli at 2:38 PM on September 12, 2011

Rather than trying to change what seems to be working (well!) for you, is there more adjusting you could do to try to make the timeline of your and your partner's orgasms align more closely together? To be blunt, could you give him varied enthusiastic blowjobs (and/or whatever else he loves), watch porn that he loves with him, etc. -- all things that won't "overarouse" you, but will get him so close to the brink that he's ready to come within 2-7 minutes of penetrative intercourse, right about when you do... and you both can then enjoy your want-to-cuddle-glow time together?
posted by argonauta at 2:41 PM on September 12, 2011

As krilli mentioned, you can buy numbing agents from sex shops, but I suspect that these won't really help much if your orgasms aren't solely clitoral. These creams and gels are generally for external use only, so it's probably not advisable to be using them intravaginally.
posted by asnider at 2:44 PM on September 12, 2011

After you come, stop having sex for 10 minutes or so, then start up again. I don't come as easily as you, but I always come before my bf, and it is uncomfortable for me to keep on going. After a short break, I'm back into it. I only rarely come a 2nd time, but after the break the "ouch, sex is over" feeling is replaced with the sexy feelings.

(Fwiw, in my opinion, multiple orgasms of the instantly sequential type are something you are just built for or not. Or you can sort of fake them by drawing just to the edge of the big one, then backing off repeatedly. That does not sound like it would work for you, though. But taking a break and revving the engines back up after a few minutes might!)
posted by mrs. sock at 3:24 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Your head has to be completely in it. Our brains are our most sexual organs, so if you expect sex, loving, funtime to end with your orgasm, it will. Also if you expect your partner, and your partner alone to furnish all of you sexual excitment I can see why you just want to curl up and enjoy the post orgasmic haze."

This is unduly harsh I think, and if the OP is anything like me, just not the problem/not how it works. It can be a very powerful physical off-switch for interest in anything sexual, and I don't see where the OP shows a lack of commitment to making sure her partner has a good time.

OP, I wish you had provided an anon email address (or that we could have the damn anon answering, the lack of which has made me decide not to answer three or so questions in the past week). The only solutions I can suggest are either making his orgasm essentially part of your foreplay, or trying very different types of stimulation after you come from whatever first got you there. I could have written this, and I'm watching the other responses with interest.
posted by crabintheocean at 4:08 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I really agree with everything Wilder said!

First, your head needs to be in the right space. If, after you orgasm, you assume you are either going to have to keep going when you don't want to, or disappoint your partner, that's going to mess with your mind.

So set the stage for success. Let your boyfriend know that you want to see what happens if you experiment, and this is new territory for you, so you're not sure where this is going to take the two of you. Get excited about the idea of charting new territory with him.

but right after orgasm, I feel completely non-sexual and continuing is the last thing I want to do. Then, either I continue having sex anyway until my partner comes (but that feels kind of uncomfortable, and sort of ruins my orgasm "feeling good want to cuddle glow"), or b) we stop having sex, and my boyfriend doesn't come (bummer for him).

Sex should be fun! Forget the all or nothing, winner takes all attitude. Yes, results are important, but getting there is half the fun.

After you climax the first time*: Don't stop. Don't go on. Just pause, and indulge yourself. Get that glow, wriggle and purr if you want to. Don't think about anything at all, just be in the moment.

You short-change yourself, or your partner, if you turn sex into a chore. This is not a chore. It's a Grand Experiment, to see how far you can go. After a moment, feel where continuing on is taking you. Be selfish. Go slow if you want, get on top and set the pace, touch yourself or have him touch you, get hands and fingers and mouths and toes in there if you want to--go with whatever feels best in the moment. Just give yourself over to nothing else but arousing yourself again.

Don't worry about being selfish--I guarantee that your boyfriend is going to enjoy the ride.

You might be surprised at what you are capable of!

Maybe climaxing fast is the only thing that's been holding you back all this time. You're usually so aroused just thinking about having sex that by the time you get down to sexytime, you are already just-on-the-brink-of-orgasm.

So what you've been perceiving as feeling "asexual" and like you're "not really interested in continuing," could really just be you, not having psyched yourself up yet. You just have to find that place you were before you climaxed, and re-capture that excited anticipation that drove you so crazy the first time*.

*Part of the head game: that was just the first time. Remember, there's more to come!
posted by misha at 4:09 PM on September 12, 2011

I am told that most women do not have the refractory period which most men do, wherein touching the relevant parts is almost painful right after orgasm, and you pretty much can't have sex until that diminishes. It doesn't necessarily sound like you do either, but it's something to look into. I find that my problem with that has diminished throughout the years, but if my charming husband gets me to orgasm through oral sex, I still have to push his head away immediately after I'm done, because if I don't, the stimulation, no matter how gentle, just hurts and makes me jump. But I do recover a lost more quickly these days.

I am very, in fact maybe excessively, concerned about my partner's pleasure during sex. I have a lot invested in his orgasm, probably more than I do in mine. So even though my arousal stops right after orgasm, I can turn it back on with the idea that he is going to come soon. While that has been bad for me in past relationships (being all about the partner's pleasure), it works very well in cases where he is concerned with your pleasure as well. If you know you're going to get off, try attaching more erotic importance to his orgasm as well. I genuinely feel fulfilled when my husband reaches orgasm, though of course I'm happier in general if I do as well. It's almost as if, for me, sex is for both of us combined. Sounds tautological, but that's not how I mean it. I've made his pleasure a necessary aspect of my pleasure, so even if I've already technically gotten mine, I'm not really done.

I hope that makes something approximating sense. Anyway, it helps me be interested in going on after an orgasm. And if any part of your genitals is actually painful to the touch after you come, there's nothing wrong with backing off for a couple of minutes and returning to the naughty bits when they are capable of being naughty again.
posted by Because at 4:30 PM on September 12, 2011

Once I have a clitoral orgasm I don't want my clitoris touched for a long while, but g-spot stimulation feels amazingly good right after I come and I can continue that for quite a few minutes more without losing interest or feeling uncomfortable.

After you come, maybe try switching to a position where your g-spot is getting stimulated but your clit isn't and see if that helps.

I wish I knew the secret to multiple orgasms myself. No matter how much I tell myself beforehand that I'm going to keep going after I come, as soon as I have an orgasm I completely lose all desire to try and have another. Sometimes I find the g-spot stimulation arouses me a bit, seems to make my clit less sensitive and I feel like I might be able to come again if we went on for awhile, but it's hard to get my head back into it enough to go for it... especially since I know my physical stamina as well as my husband's is almost certainly going to give out before I can get there.

I have seen it suggested that one needs to "breathe into" having multiple orgasms, but I have no clue what that means.
posted by sock puppy at 5:02 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

the whole thing about multiple orgasms is the same as the primary one. Your head has to be completely in it. Our brains are our most sexual organs, so if you expect sex, loving, funtime to end with your orgasm, it will.

Mmn, not for me. My head can't be completely in it when there's an actual physical "don't touch" recoil impulse after the intensity of #1. I need to "re-set" and then I can steer myself back -- based on his desire more than my own, but that works fine too! -- and go on to be able to have another couple of orgasms (with different, less urgent profile than #1). But sometimes I am just "done" and concentrate on my lover and his enjoyment. Which suits me, but might not suit all.
posted by thinkpiece at 6:04 PM on September 12, 2011

Everyone is giving you a lot of advice about what to do after you cum, but what about before? Even before the oral and the penetration. I would experiment with a lot more teasing, touching, build of anticipation (yours and his). There's a lot of fun to be had and it may help you learn to draw out the whole experience of sex.

I had a partner who used to play around with my pubes, touch everything but the clit, no penetration for what seemed like hours. It was great. I highly recommend it.
posted by brookeb at 6:51 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have your problem, but I have not read the other answers. Forgive if I repeat.

We save penetrative sex for the last minute and concentrate on other stuff for a protractive amount of time - lots of foreplay, but nothing that takes us over the brink.

If we are onto it, we can manage to enjoy penetrative sex simultaneously. The ideal.

It's a Dance, learn to Dance well with your beloved. Communicate!

Have fun.
posted by jbenben at 8:11 PM on September 12, 2011

My completely uninformed guess is that being the type of woman who gets off quickly makes it more likely that you're also the type of woman who could learn to have multiple orgasms. If you want to try, here's my practical suggestion of how to go about it:

Schedule a solid 30-45 minutes to yourself, completely uninterrupted and undistracted. Get naked, get in bed. You are going to have sex with yourself, and you are going to be completely self-indulgent about it. If being naked in bed by yourself for the explicit purpose of masturbating seems weird to you, hang out for a bit and just touch your own body sexually. Play with your nipples, cup your boobs, stroke your thighs, grab your own ass. Moan out loud. Tell yourself you're sexy.

Start fantasizing and masturbating. Don't put anything inside your vagina (yet), and don't use a vibrator (yet). Bring yourself to a purely-clitoral orgasm. Really express and enjoy the orgasm, then sprawl out or curl up or whatever feels most natural and give yourself about 30 seconds, tops, to float on the post-orgasm bliss.

Now put at least one finger inside your vagina and start stroking your g-spot, firmly and directly and insistently. It doesn't matter whether you're still interested in sex or not, just do it. Be careful not to rub up against your clit in any way. Does it feel even a tiny bit good? If not, keep going. Give yourself at least a minute of serious g-spot stimulation. If it doesn't feel good at the end of that time, go ahead and stop, then start considering some of the other comments from this thread because I don't know what else to tell you.

If it is starting to feel good, though, keep going. Do the g-spot thing for a number of minutes. These minutes should by this point be filled with intense pleasure of a very different variety than clitoral orgasm.

Now you break out the vibrator. Stop fingering yourself and switch to pure vibrator stimulation. It will likely take a little longer than it normally would with a vibrator, but you should be able to force yourself to orgasm if you have a powerful vibrator (Hitachi Magic Wand is perfect for forced orgasm, by the way).

Give yourself a slightly longer break this time (two minutes or so), but then switch back to g-spot. This time, after you've been fingering yourself for a few minutes and it's really feeling good, add the vibrator in addition to the g-spot stimulation. Use this intense stimulation to force yourself to a third orgasm, this one a "combination" orgasm (mm, my favorite!).

Stop there, because three is plenty. Chill out in bed some more if you want. Then lather-rinse-repeat over the course of many days and weeks (not something you have to do every day, certainly! but keep at it).

To summarize, you ramp up the intensity of the stimulation with each orgasm, and use g-spot stimulation to both keep yourself sexually involved in the period where you really don't want your clit touched for a few minutes and draw you back into feelings of arousal. As you get better at it, don't skip the g-spot step. Instead start adding in repeats of any given level (two manual orgasms before introducing the vibrator, two vibrator orgasms before going combination, etc).

When you take it to partner sex, the main thing to bring over from your solo sessions is the value of switching it up right after each orgasm. Switch positions, switch penetration locations, etc. If you really enjoy giving blowjobs, try giving head as an in-between period before you start up with the penetration again.

This was basically my favorite time-wasting strategy in my college years (thank you, single-room dorms). I didn't particularly have a goal at the time, I was just bored and horny. But I ended up at a point where I was very confused about what the problem could possibly be when I started reading your question, because to my mind the sooner you start having orgasms the more of them you can fit in! YMMobviouslyV.
posted by ootandaboot at 8:36 PM on September 12, 2011 [7 favorites]

Just a note: I hope you're talking about this with your boyfriend, because not every guy has to reach the destination every time, in order to have a fully enjoyable journey. As you explore this together -- doing easy things like both stopping and holding your positions as you get close, then resuming a few moments later -- you'll have a much better time if you don't worry about whether or not he has an orgasm. In fact, it might serve you both well if you each focus on making yourselves feel as good as you can without going over the edge, with clear communication beforehand that if one of you says "wait", you're both going to wait. Each taking responsibility for your own pleasure, but jointly working together to extend that pleasure as long as you can. Just a thought.
posted by davejay at 9:57 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

well done for opening this up for discussion, I realised while reading the other posters that I automatically switch position after #1 because of the clitoral sensitivity, I wasn't even aware I do it.
Maybe you should try more positions where the clit is not automatically being stimulated? Or is the sensation from all over. Try experimenting to see whether it is only clitoral.
I still come back to the question of whether self-induced orgasm is as quick as I think that's an important piece of info.
posted by Wilder at 1:49 AM on September 13, 2011