How can I get an orgrasm when everything is so intense?

November 16, 2007 5:57 PM

[NSFW] Women of the world...how can I have an orgasm when everything just feels so intense?

I seem to to have a problem with managing the intensity of stimulation. This older question is similar in that it feels too "intense" for me, but I don't have any sexual abuse in my past. I'm in my early twenties and on my second partner and sex feels wonderful, but I can't seem to get to a full orgasm. Admittedly I'm sometimes a tense person with a stressful life, but I always look forward to sex. Mostly he manually stimulates me before and during sex. I've used a vibrator before but I don't have a good one.

Once I'm stimulated I just can't seem to handle it and I pull back. If I can relax a lot I can feel muscles all over my body start to tighten, but I have only managed to orgasm once and it required a lot of concentration, a vibrator, and a position that kept me from pulling back. Is this normal?

More importantly, is there anything I can do about it? I thought about grabbing a bottle of the lubricant that desensitizes men so they can go longer in the hopes it would moderate things.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (21 comments total)

IANAWoman, but i would think that maybe theres an unconscious fear of having something bad happen when you finally go 'over the edge'...losing control can be a scary thing. If you trust your partner, maybe you can set up a situation where you ask him to continue stimulating you even if you try to pull away...give yourself a safeword in case you really feel in danger, but try to hold off as long as you can. I think once it happens for you, it will get less anxiety inducing.
posted by softlord at 6:30 PM on November 16, 2007

I'm a guy, but I think step 1 is to go slower. It kind of sounds like hes pawing at you and coming too quick.
posted by rhizome at 6:30 PM on November 16, 2007

Yeah, tell him to go slower and move around a little more. Could that help?
posted by schroedinger at 6:39 PM on November 16, 2007

Need more info, anonymous. :) Can you do it on your own? Your question seems to imply that it's too intense no matter who is in charge of the stimulation, but it's not explicitly stated. (Or maybe it is, when you said you've only managed once, but it just sounded like you were talking about being with a partner. I'm probably wrong; never mind.)

Anyway, offhand it sounds like you're being overly-stimulated. Too much pressure, too fast, etc. But I'd imagine that this is something you'd have figured out on your own if you had taken matters into your own hands. So, 1) if you haven't even tried taking matters into your own hands, do so. Figure out if you can find a level of stimulation that does it for you, and then teach your guy how to do it.

2) If you can't handle your own stimulation either, then I'd personally tend to think it's a mental thing. For me, much of the excitement goes on in my head. For example: I can be sitting here minding my own business, not turned on at all, and then make the decision to either a) think about sex, or b) start stimulating myself manually. Guess which one is going to get me hotter? Choice a. Choice b will probably just feel annoying, or forced, and if I continue it may result in that over-stimulated feeling. Like, the blood is going in the right direction and the nerve endings are responding to something, but I'm just not into it so while the correct feelings are probably there, they just aren't registering properly.

Similarly, I can be in bed with a guy and he/we can be doing everything right, but if I'm not properly mentally motivated, it just isn't going to happen. When I find that happening I go to a happy place that always does the trick (that is, I have standby fantasies). Could some relaxing fantasy help you at all?
posted by iguanapolitico at 6:51 PM on November 16, 2007

See if your partner can bring you to orgasm during foreplay, before the penetrative sex. It's easier to relax when you're the one being catered to. Have him take his time, starting with gentle caresses and kisses, and slowly building to more stimulation. Just let your own feelings build slowly and be in the moment, and don't sabotage yourself by worrying that you'll need to pull away. An analogy: Just tell yourself that the senstatons are like little waves washing over you, and learn to anticipate that they will increase in frequency and force, but instead of feeling like you're drowning in them, let yourself feel completely invigorated.
posted by amyms at 6:52 PM on November 16, 2007

I was in a similar boat a couple of years ago. What eventually helped me was a lot of somewhat prolonged (sometimes close to 20 minutes) attention to other hot button areas before moving further south. Preheating the oven, let's say...

Also moving from indirect to more direct touching and back helped me. Too much too close was usually my issue. As always, YMMV.
posted by heavenstobetsy at 6:53 PM on November 16, 2007

I have only managed to orgasm once and it required a lot of concentration, a vibrator, and a position that kept me from pulling back.

If you can't even bring yourself to orgasm regularly, how do you expect someone else to do it? Get to know yourself first - see what feels right, and how to go about getting to an orgasm. Once you have a handle on that, you can help guide your partner down that path.
posted by chrisamiller at 6:56 PM on November 16, 2007

I used to have this problem in my 20's, and here is what I recommend pretty much in order:

1. Slow down (as noted earlier).
2. Oral sex. Tell him what you like.
3. Get on top. Do what feels good to you.
4. Try masturbating in the bath. Luscious, impossible to stay tense, might help you train yourself to relax in other situations.
5. Get a better vibrator.

Best of luck!
posted by pammo at 7:07 PM on November 16, 2007

i also had this problem in my early 20's. i used to find that too much direct stimulation was bad. slowing down helped, and also being okay with the idea that maybe i wouldn't orgasm that time.

also, honestly, i think there was a learning curve involved, in learning what worked to get to that orgasm. i certainly know a lot more about what works for me now than i did then. :-)
posted by rmd1023 at 7:55 PM on November 16, 2007

this is not a good permanent solution, but i'm a fan of a couple glasses of wine. it keeps me from overthinking things.
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:09 PM on November 16, 2007

This may be obvious but it took me a while to figure out at first...some (many?) women find it too intense to have the clitoris touched directly; try coming at it from the side with a layer of skin in between it and the hand/tongue/whatever, if you're not doing so already. And what everyone else said about slowing down and figuring it out yourself first.
posted by frobozz at 8:30 PM on November 16, 2007

On preview, maybe this is TMI, and maybe it's sort of graphic, but I wish that I'd learned it sooner in life.

I'm not sure what it means when you say that everything feels too intense. If you just feel sore, slow it down and add some more foreplay.

If, on the other hand, things just seem "too intense " in a non-painful sense, maybe I can help. If "too intense" means that your eyes are rolling to the back of your head and you're starting to hyperventilate, or just feel overwhelmed, the trick is to take a deep breath and let everything you're feeling just go. Take a deep, deep breath and release everything you're feeling and thinking with that breath. Every time you think that you're coming close to orgasm, just take a deep breath and let it go. Let go of all your physical tension, and worrying about whether you're going to have an orgasm or not. Deep breath, and let it go.

Don't worry that you're going to interrupt the momentum by letting go. You won't. Let it build, and when you feel like you can't take any more, take a deep breath and let it go. Every time it seems like too much, take another deep breath and let it go. Every time you feel like you're peaking, even if you feel like you're peaking, take a deep breath and let it go. Keep taking deep breaths and letting them go, even when you think that you can't bear it any longer. Just let it go. Once you stop worrying about it, it will happen.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 10:40 PM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

<molybdenum's wife>In addition to the good advice above, (try not to "overstimulate" to the point where it doesn't feel good, but instead take it slower), let me make one other suggestion. Try to rhythmically internally tighten your vaginal muscles when you're excited to help "jump start" the orgasm. After a few times, it should happen automatically. I think the situation you're describing is more common than you think.</molybdenum's wife>
posted by molybdenum at 12:37 AM on November 17, 2007

It will be much easier for you to become orgasmic on your own first and then to teach your partner how to help you.

Try different styles of vibrator. Some are made for insertion and others for external stimulation. Try both. The main feature you need to look for is a control that lets you dial up or down the intensity of the vibrations. You want this control to be separated by a wire from the vibrating part of the unit, so you can easily use it. You also want to use lots of lube with your vibrator (or with your fingers, for that matter). If you aren't sure if you have enough, use more. It should be effortless for you to slide it around if one spot gets a little too intense. There are waterproof vibes that you can use in the bath. There are so many different styles of vibrator that one of them will be perfect for you.
posted by happyturtle at 2:22 AM on November 17, 2007

Concentrating on your own state can be completely counterproductive. Some women, in concentrating harder on finding their own pleasure, seem to forget how nice it is for their partner, too. I don't know of any man who doesn't greatly enjoy a woman coming all over him, so perhaps it would help if, at the crucial moment, instead of thinking to yourself "I'm getting close! Closer! Closer! Uh-oh! Too much! Too close!! Awww..." you could, instead think, "Boy, I'm gonna rawk this! Soon! Get ready! Oh boy! You probably haven't been this good a boy, lately!!! Right THERE! RIGHT NOW!!!! Whoo-hoo!!!!"

Concentrating too hard on having orgasms can kind of stop the body from getting on with the process; hence my suggestion to refocus on your partner as you get near the magic moment, and let your body go on automatic pilot. To do that, it helps some women to remember that nothing in life is quite as nice for a man as getting right to the edge of orgasm, and having a woman you love pull you over the top, by letting herself be her amazing self, at just the right moment.
posted by paulsc at 3:40 AM on November 17, 2007

I used to suffer from something similar, now im at uni and have alot of free time and good vibrators I have worked my way straight through it.
The thing that worked for me was literally kicking my heals in, gritting my teeth and kicking the vibe up another notch, suprisingly enough. I mean its kind of weird at first and you may find you have an extremely powerful orgasm (I've squirted after doing this) but...its worth it.

I totally second paulsc too, and wonder if this is something you need to work on (like me) in your own time before trying it with an audience.

Im 22 if that helps.
posted by Neonshock at 3:48 AM on November 17, 2007

From personal experience, I highly recommend Lonnie Barbach's book, "For Yourself: the Fulfillment of Female Sexuality."
posted by Carol Anne at 5:51 AM on November 17, 2007

Adding lubrication may help with the too intense feeling.
posted by theora55 at 8:36 AM on November 17, 2007

I think you should start with working on achieving orgasm on your own first so you know what to tell him for you to get there.

There could be many factors, and considering your age, while your hormones are telling you that you're excited and looking forward to having sex with your partner, it could also mean that you want to be with your partner(please him, have the physical touch, etc). While orgasm isn't always the goal, when you say intense, it's about you not being in control yourself...imho.

Try to follow your instincts and feelings and sensations when you're by yourself to try to get there. Hope that helps.
posted by icollectpurses at 9:12 AM on November 17, 2007

1.
when it gets too intense, try to make yourself relax into it.
it will feel weird and borderline unpleasant, but just try it. it might not work, but it's worth a try.

2.
alternately, maybe you just like it really gentle. try this during foreplay:
have him use his hand, but ask him to do downward strokes on your clit only, with a lubed finger. on the way down, he can use some pressure but he should know it's friction that feels good, not pressure, so he should be trying to make his finger "travel", not "press". ideally, with each stroke.
the entire length of his finger (palm side), should slide gently down your clit.

but on the way up, he should raise his finger and not touch anything for the first 30 strokes or so- downwards only. (by the way, any men who are reading this, the female urethra is right below the clit, and in general, poking or entering the urethra with tongue or finger is uncomfortable. most clits like to be moved sideways or downward, but upwards is usually unpleasant and too urethra-y to feel nice).

after about 30 strokes of down only, he can make *light* contact on the way up but only just barely grazing your clit- on the way up, there should not be enough pressure/contact to make your clit move *at all* on the way up. some pressure/clit movement on the way down is ok.

during all this, you should hold his wrist and thrust your pelvis into his hand as he does it to guide the speed/pressure he uses.

3.
during all sexual activities, try to use your breathing to increase the sensation- inhale slightly more air than you exhale, so you gradually "top-up" your lungs over a period of 5-10 minutes as things get more intense. when you reach the point of orgasm, your lungs will be overfull. inhale even more, then hold your breath as you come. at the peak of th orgasm, finally allowing the much-waited-for exhalation makes it more intense.

4.
something most men don't know- during clitoral stimulation, if she gasps or inhales sharply, it means you're going too hard. she might enjoy that sometimes, but it probably won't make her come. while you're down there, keep listening for exhales and moans, which mean things are good. when she goes "oh god" in a soft, singsong tone, that's great. but inward gasps mean "ouch".

5.
read the vice guide to eating pussy.
sorry about the gratuitous NSFW pic in that link, but the advice is great.
posted by twistofrhyme at 12:52 PM on November 17, 2007

reply form someone who would prefer to remain anonymous:

After a lifetime of happy, easy, and extremely frequent masturbation, boy, was I surprised to find I had this problem. Direct clit stimulation is just way too much for me, even (maybe especially) if the touch is light -- "too intense" and "too sensitive" are exactly what I say, and it's not enjoyable at all.

I'd never paid that much attention to what I do when I masturbate, but once I started thinking about it, I realized that although I was rubbing hard and fast, I was focusing above the clit, and (near the end) the clit through the hood.

In my experience, guys have a really hard time understanding this; the more experience they have, the worse. "How can it be too intense? Just hold still and take it, it means you're going to come." No, I know what it feels like when I'm going to come, and "unhappy and in pain" does not feature in that description.

If I were you, I'd work on two things right now.

First, be able to masturbate on your own. Find out what works for you -- for me it's really firm, but indirect, pressure. The bottom line is, before you can expect a partner to make you come, you need to be able to make yourself come, on your own. Give clitoral vibes a try, but no matter what society says, don't think they're an automatic ticket to orgasm; for me, they might feel fairly pleasant, but they certainly don't get me anywhere.

Second, once you know how you can orgasm, try to show/teach your partner. This stage will probably take even longer, because apparently it's really hard for guys to understand (to be fair, they haven't had as much hands-on experience with this kind of clit). Even if they're trying, things may not work the way you want them to -- I doubt I'll ever be able to come from oral, but after months, my partner's just starting to get the hang of it with his hands. At this stage, you obviously can't be too shy to masturbate in front of him (especially if he's involved, at whatever level you're comfortable with: thrusting with a dildo, playing with your labia, nibbling your nipples, kissing your lips).

I guess instead of those steps, you could try to do what my partners always seem to suggest -- tie me up, hold me down, or otherwise immobilize me, then go to town when I'm incapable of stopping them. To me this does not sound like happy fun time (the tying up sounds fine, just not so I can be stimulated in a way I dislike), so I haven't let anyone try it yet, but maybe you think it'd work for you.

For now, what you can also do is try on your own to locate other hot spots. Can you have a G-spot orgasm? Mine won't make me come . . . but brush against my deep spot and I'll be writhing and yelling within seconds. It goes a long way towards countering my partner's frustration at not being able to make me come.

posted by jessamyn at 9:14 PM on November 18, 2007