Heterosexual female cannot orgasm without vibrator. (NSFW. Duh.)

April 28, 2009 11:35 AM

Is there anything I can do to be able to orgasm without a vibrator?

I don't think it's a mental thing because I orgasm just fine whether I'm using it on myself or my boyfriend is using it on me, but nothing besides a vibrator will get me there.

Intercourse doesn't stimulate the clitoris, and the positions that are supposed to stimulate the clitoris are painful and uncomfortable. Besides, intercourse is way too short, so I wouldn't have time to orgasm.

I don't like receiving oral sex. The tongue is too wet and too smooth, so there is none of the friction necessary to feel good. For the same reason, I use the vibrator over my undies so I can get that friction. I actually think the slimy feel of the tongue is unpleasant.

I really wish I could orgasm when my boyfriend fingers me, but for some reason I can't. It turns me on soooo much, but doesn't get me there. It's crazy, because whenever I use the vibrator by myself, I only think about the last time my boyfriend was fingering me and that always does it for me and makes me orgasm. But when he actually does it, it doesn't work!

Am I doomed to only orgasm from an electronic object? I want to orgasm from my boyfriend touching me!

Mid 30's, sexually active for approximately 15 years (though with a few long gaps), in case that information is relevant.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (12 comments total)

Can you come by using your own fingers? If not, start there. You just have to stop using the vibrator entirely, or at least for a good long time. There is no sex act that recreate the RPM's of a vibrator, and your body has become used to that intense sensation in order to climax. I speak from experience. And after I stopped using a vibe it took a good long time to be able to get myself off manually, but it did eventually happen. This is no guarantee that you will ever be able to come purely through intercourse... many women can't. But it should give you some more variation, and allow your bf to get you off before during or after. Then you can try re-introducing the vibe... but only in moderation.
posted by kimdog at 11:43 AM on April 28

Reframe how you think about what is making you orgasm. You ARE orgasming when your boyfriend touches you. The vibrator is just there to help it along. It doesn't have to be "inferior" just because some technology is involved.
posted by hamsterdam at 12:03 PM on April 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

I agree with hamsterdam about the attitude shift, but I can also sympathize with your desire to at least make a good faith effort at it. I'm sure you could guess, but indeed the answer is to chuck your vibrator (or lock it away), and focus on having lots of fun sexual experiences (alone and with your partner) and not on orgasming. I almost guarantee you will, possibly at the most unexpected of times.
posted by telegraph at 12:28 PM on April 28

Use only your fingers. And be patient. Seriously at first it might take a looong time, but that time will go down as you get more used to the feelings.
posted by MadamM at 12:29 PM on April 28

It sounds like you may be able to orgasm by having your boyfriend stimulate you with his fingers. Talk with him outside of a lovemaking situation and ask him if he'd be willing to try. Tell him his fingering you really turns you on. You should both be willing to devote 30 minutes or so and you should not expect success immediately. If he can't do 30 minutes, start with 10 and stop and build up to longer sessions over time. It's asking a lot and he needs to be patient and wholehearted about it. If he's not into it, it will just make you both feel resentful. Make sure he can find your G-spot and tell him what feels good and when he's doing it right. He may also be able to stimulate the G-spot with fingers and the clitoris with the thumb of the same hand at the same time, or with fingers of the other hand. Both of you should just relax and let whatever happens happen or not as the case may be. Nothing kills the possibility of an orgasm like anxiety and pressure. Kimdog's advice about giving up the vibe for a while is critical to any success without it.

You might reconsider having him give you oral stimulation at some point. Many women orgasm exclusively via oral sex and are very happy with it. It's possible for him to give you more friction with his tongue and with less wetness. He can also stimulate you with fingers while he's using his mouth which you may enjoy. It's possible your feelings about receiving oral sex may be belated to giving oral sex. Some women don't want to receive oral sex because they don't enjoy giving it and receiving it makes them feel obligated to give. Either way is fine but it's good to know your own motivations.
posted by danascot at 12:31 PM on April 28

You might find useful suggestions (and explanations) in the book "Bonk."
posted by RichardS at 12:56 PM on April 28

I did a few weeks of training with a sexual medicine doctor, and her approach was re-training: get yourself to the very brink with the vibrator, then stop and try to finish things off some other way. When you can reliably do this, start stopping the vibrator sooner, until eventually you don't need it at all. It's a sloooow process, but it sounds like your boyfriend is willing to help, which should make it a bit more fun!
posted by TheLittlestRobot at 1:12 PM on April 28

Wipe off with a tissue/undies/towel/cumrag/whatever before manually stimulating yourself; there will be less slippery "sliminess" and more friction. And yeah, be patient!
posted by Juliet Banana at 1:31 PM on April 28

Have you tried rubbing your clit directly on his cock? It's not slimy (I am assuming he does not have an alien member, here), you or he can be in control, and it's ever so hot to do.

Likewise, try any other part of his body. Creativity makes it interesting! And don't forget to put him to work stimulating you in other ways as a foundation to build your orgams. Nipples, neck, talk, whatever makes you shiver and lose control, just KEEP DOING THAT!!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:53 PM on April 28

Get really turned on before you take the clothes off? I mean really turned on.
posted by JJ86 at 4:08 PM on April 28

You might (both) really enjoy the We-Vibe.
posted by nicwolff at 7:31 PM on April 28

It is always easier to have orgasms after your first so be sure to make having one orgasm part of your foreplay. Remember also that the shape of the penis is to get you pregnant got get you off, so this is a "problem" a lot of folks experience.
Now you could always turn him into a toy, there are tons of vibrating cock rings on the market today (my favorite is the Bo by Lelo) it is a silicone rechargeable cock ring which comes with a 1 year warrante.
Or you could use a toy meant to be used during intercourse like the we-vibe (an inserted vibe) or the Fun Factory Laya Spot or the Lelo Nea or Lilly which are perfect to hold on the clit
during intercourse.
posted by Ekidnagrrl17 at 8:41 PM on September 22