How to stop married man from flirting when it's reciprocal

April 14, 2009 7:08 PM

How to stop married man from flirting when it's reciprocal? I'm a notoriously bad crusher. Even though almost everyone would describe me as a competent, sensible, self-assured and promising young woman, I completely loose myself when someone breaks through to my inner core. It's not that it happens all the time either, but when it does it's with a vengeance. I would definitely describe it as a 'crushing' sensation.

Particularly this time, of course, because it's an impossible crush, as he's married with kids. Made worse by the fact that I think I even like him for all the right reasons: he's a nice guy, down-to-earth, straightforward, considerate, well-spoken, same career path etc. Made muchmuchmuch worse by the fact that the attraction seems to be mutual (there's been some pretty classic signs, complete with unusually long eye contact, teasing, finding excuses to be really close, nervousness, blushing...you name it). In fact, while he is respectful about it, he is the more obvious of the two of us. So this fact makes it all the more pertinent that I stop this thing in its tracks. But the willpower it takes to NOT look at him when I know he's looking at me, etc. is harder than I thought it might be (because it's just so great when your crush likes you back!) AND, I feel like it would be cold to just ignore him entirely. So how do I manage this? He's a coworker; I don't see him that often but when I do I hate myself. A lot. I know that it's wrong, and I definitely don't need advice on why seducing a married man is a bad idea. But I need to regain control of myself ASAP.

posted by anonymous to human relations (39 comments total)

It might help to realize that if he's actually flirting with you, he's not such a nice guy.
posted by you're a kitty! at 7:11 PM on April 14 [13 favorites]

Well, in answer to your title question-- stop flirting with him. This seems to be the most obvious and least complicated solution. It seems that for you it will take willpower on your end, but that should be a lot easier than somehow controlling his actions.
posted by fructose at 7:11 PM on April 14 [2 favorites]

Maybe you could focus on the fact that this nice, down-to-earth, married man with kids is openly flirting with someone who isn't his wife.

It's not bad or wrong for you to feel attraction toward someone who is, you know, attractive. You shouldn't hate yourself. However, it's also not bad or wrong to be extra-professional and non-flirty with someone who is entirely and completely unavailable to you as a romantic partner. It's not cold, it's emotionally healthy and morally right. So, I guess what I'm saying is, to "regain control" you may need to get comfortable with being "cold"--not rude, not walking away as he's talking, but either by overtly (a direct conversation, if necessary) or subtly (tone of voice, body language) conveying to him that you are not going to flirt with him and that you're going to end conversations in which he starts flirting with you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:16 PM on April 14 [2 favorites]

The only possible romantic future you have with this person is a dramatic and ultimately miserable one, for you, him and his children. What about this do you find irresistibly attractive?
posted by sickinthehead at 7:19 PM on April 14 [3 favorites]

He's married with kids? Well he is skating on thin ice, whether he knows it or not. So, if you want to regain control, I would say, imagine yourself in the position of ultimate responsibility (which, to me is having children to nurture and care for), and then see if this is a path that is wise. Whether you are the one with or without kids... the ultimate losers appear to be the innocent victims.. eg. the kids. Of course, the flip side he is a douche, and the kids are going to lose either way, but you might sleep easier at night knowing that you are not a figure in that particular breakdown.
posted by Frasermoo at 7:20 PM on April 14 [1 favorite]

If you and he were together, he might well be flirting with someone else. How would you feel about that? And how would you feel about him if you saw him looking a little too long at, touching the hand of, someone else at work?
posted by amtho at 7:24 PM on April 14 [1 favorite]

btw, (and I expect a deletion).... 'how to stop a married man flirting when it is reciprocal'...
stop reciprocating with married men. do yourself a favour and reciprocate with single guys. duh.
posted by Frasermoo at 7:24 PM on April 14 [4 favorites]

Avoid him as much as possible. Don't be rude but stop flirting and making excuses to be near him. You're enjoying the attention. Your best bet would be to find someone who is available to pay attention to you. The thing about crushes is most of the time they don't last that long. If you make a point to stop the flirting nonsense you'll probably be over him and onto something new in no time.
posted by Fairchild at 7:36 PM on April 14 [1 favorite]

There's nothing wrong with flirting as long as its never taken to the next level.
The fact that you think he's a "nice guy, down-to-earth, straightforward" would change if he ever tried anything further, wouldn't it?
I have a mad, mad crush on Will Smith. Yes, he is a great actor, but more importantly, I love and admire the fact that he is a good family man, a faithfull husband, and with a great value system.
But if he were to try and pick me up in a bar, all my admiration for him would dissipate. And he'd probably become a bad actor, in my mind, too.
posted by Acacia at 7:38 PM on April 14 [1 favorite]

Hm.. The advice so far doesn't really some helpful because most of the crushes of that type that I've seen are less "I want a relationship with so-and-so" and more "I really like so-and-so as a person". Everyone has great responses for if you were daydreaming about him leaving his wife for you or whatever, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I think you probably have to find a new crush / abandon this one and work on visualizing how you would fit into his life as a friend and not a flirty crush. If you can really get a picture in your head for how you treat each other as friends, respectfully, in a way that you could also act around his wife and kids (say they invite a few coworkers over for dinner, or in five years' time you're a friend of the family, or whatnot). You have to be able to imagine a world in which you neither ignore him nor 'tempt' him with visions of a carefree life, in order for that world to be possible. Sometimes you can just tone back the flirty stuff and let the vision develop naturally, but if you're already feeling bad about the situation you probably want to accelerate the process as much as possible.

In my experience, once you have a strong vision in your head of being just good friends with this guy, the flirty stuff will start to feel uncomfortable. It's very easy to scoot away when he sits too close, if you're actually feeling weird about it instead of feeling all thrilled that you can feel his body heat.
posted by Lady Li at 7:39 PM on April 14 [4 favorites]

You're enjoying the attention.

Yeah, exactly. Find a healthier target. You can't get this guy to stop trying to flirt with you, but you can definitely stop encouraging him, and with a quickness. Take responsibility for yourself and your part of this interaction. And cut it out. Find someone available and appropriate to focus on. It's nice to feel that there is some deep connection or power between you, but ultimately it's an infatuation and he's married and it's much better for you to control what you can control. Draw a hard line around him: Taken. Decide you aren't going there, and then stop doing it.

Get out a little more. Focus on work. Put this to rest. Find some new people to hang out with. Get involved in a hobby or skill you've been wanting to learn.

In other words, get the ego boost elsewhere. This is dangerous if you feel so out of control of your own emotions.
posted by Miko at 7:40 PM on April 14 [5 favorites]

Can you get to know his wife? Sometimes seeing the rest of the dimensions of his life puts everything in perspective.
posted by Miko at 7:41 PM on April 14 [6 favorites]

As a wise woman (my mom) often tells me: "you can't control how others act, but you CAN control your reactions to them."

My advice would be to act distant or even cold around him, or ask him about his wife and kids when you see him. Try not to be alone together, and imagine how much gossip would go around (and how it would affect your career) if something were to happen between you two.
posted by koakuma at 7:43 PM on April 14

Make a list of all the reasons why this guy is not right for you. Every little picky detail, from "He's married" to "he likes U2" down to "his canine teeth are unpleasantly yellow". Focus on the least attractive & compatible aspects of his personality.

Gently turn a non-private conversation to talk of his kids & wife- get him telling cute stories about the kids, in front of others (to lessen the intimacy). If ever his family comes to a work event, get to know them. Once they're real people to you, you'll probably be less inclined to flirt.
posted by twistofrhyme at 7:49 PM on April 14 [3 favorites]

You need to stop thinking of yourself as a loose cannon of sexual energy that can't possibly be reigned in. If you genuinely want to stop, don't tantalize yourself with the notion that this is beyond your control. Don't make excuses (I'm just a notorious crusher). Anything less than a persistent and intention effort to turn him off is simply not genuine.
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:53 PM on April 14 [12 favorites]

When have this feeling, do not fight with it to make it go away--it cannot be "stopped in its tracks." It can only be felt without acting upon it. Therefore, resolve first to never act upon it. Second allow it to pass. Third, be aware of situations where you are using your feelings regarding the inappropriate crush object to avoid feeling things you don't want to and to avoid thinking about topics you don't want to think about.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:53 PM on April 14 [5 favorites]

It sounds cliche, but think of the kids. It's very possible you could be a party to ending a marriage, and truly disrupting his kids' lives -- do you really want that hanging over your head?
posted by crickets at 7:55 PM on April 14

You seem like you're well aware of all of the rational arguments against this, and you're well aware of how youu've let this get out of hand in your head. You want to stop this infatuation for the right reasons. So, ultimately, this is all up to you. Just stop torturing yourself with this crush.

Avoid him. Be a professional, keep your behavior as restrained as it would be if his wife was standing beside you.

And go find a safer more innocuous, less charged crush on your barista or yoga teacher.
posted by desuetude at 8:04 PM on April 14 [1 favorite]

Worth saying over and again:

Avoid him. Be a professional, keep your behavior as restrained as it would be if his wife was standing beside you.

Avoid him. Avoid him. Avoid him. Avoid him. Avoid him. Avoid him. Avoid him.

Avoid him.

posted by MiffyCLB at 8:48 PM on April 14

Put a framed photo of his wife on your desk.

Okay, but that would be hilarious, right? And effective (either because he'd feel guilty or creeped out).

I feel like it would be cold....
You're afraid he'll think you're cold. Well, some men might think you're cold if you don't sleep with them on a first date. Would it matter? You need to do what you think/know is right for you. He might not like your behavior because it's unpleasant or ego-bruising. He might label that behavior as "mean" or "cold" or "unfriendly" in order to manipulate you and get you to change your behavior. If you don't change your behavior, he'll most likely move on to some other lonely girl in the office.

Speaking of which, a way to help you get over him: don't flatter yourself. Do you think you're the first or even only other-woman? Sure, you feel a strong connection. Meanwhile, he's probably flirting with other women left and right. He is using you to spice up his life because he's bored. You could be any woman. I can almost guarantee that if you don't put a stop to this from your end, he'll become just as bored with you and move on to the next. What you perceive as "coldness" will to him be no more than an inconvenience: he'll no longer be able to distract himself thinking about how he's "still got it" and "if Mrs Cheater doesn't appreciate him, someone else will." Then he'll get over it.
posted by thebazilist at 9:05 PM on April 14 [3 favorites]

Many people flirt precisely because they know nothing's going to happen. When you consider his flirting could be merely a power thing (i.e. he's enjoying toying with your emotional upheaval solely to amuse and flatter himself) the whole situation is far less appealing.
posted by aquafortis at 9:07 PM on April 14 [6 favorites]

Dude, have you never screwed up a crush before? Screw this one up! Do something crushing like say, Man, I like flirting with you, but you're totally married! Also, I love you like my brother who I don't ever have sex with because of a powerful incest taboo that you also trigger!
posted by klangklangston at 9:18 PM on April 14 [7 favorites]

Another great mantra: he will never leave her.
posted by easy_being_green at 9:55 PM on April 14 [1 favorite]

The responses here are weird. Why is the guy an evil person for flirting?

Anyways, Anon: why don't you 1) realize that nothing with him will ever happen, no really. Really, seriously. And then 2) stop feeling guilty about flirting. Flirting is not cheating. It's not even remotely close.
posted by TypographicalError at 3:33 AM on April 15 [2 favorites]

Just want to second or third, "flirting isn't the same as serious interest/intent."

A former friend of mine divorced her husband in part because she mistook recreational flirting on behalf of a few men (married or not) to mean that she had "tons of other options she wanted to explore" once the seven year itch had set in. Guess what? Once she was actually available and it was clear she thought these flirtations were a check she could take to the bank and cash--instead of a safe, flattering game with a seemingly happily married wife and mom--the men quickly retreated.
posted by availablelight at 4:55 AM on April 15

Hi, married guy who flirts here. No idea what the Prudey McPrudes are prattling their prodigious pieholes about, flirting is fun as long as no one takes it seriously*.

OP, you're going to have to risk that he might think you're cold, or mean or whatever. That's the whole point. Avoid him if you can and keep cool around him if you can't. For whatever reason, you're bothered by the flirtation and have come to hate yourself. Don't do things that make you hate yourself.

On the other hand, maybe you're over-thinking this. You've got your motor all revved up, thinking he's gonna pop the hood and check your oil, you're all worrying about seducing a married man and breaking up a happy home blah blah blah, yet are you sure that's what's going on here? You're on the scene, you know the full situation, but as a married man who flirts, but not your married man who flirts, I'm thinking this might be in your head, 'cause you've got a major crush.

Remember, there's no need to look him the eyes when you're talking to him, in fact, keep yourself occupied by looking away. Pretend you're busy and stay focused on that piece of paper in front of you. Give him short, but polite answers, all while looking at the work in front of you. Stop paying attention to him. Don't seek him out. If he keeps flirting, look at him, all distracted like and say "Aww, you remind me of my dad/uncle/brother. He was such a flirt, I kept expecting his wife to brain him with a frying pan one day. Anyway, sorry, I'm busy, gotta get back to this work," and then turn away and focus on the work.


* Yes, the wife knows flirting happens. She flirts. We flirt with each other. The simple run is that flirting is fine as long as we'd be willing to flirt with other people if we were in front of each other.
posted by gnuls at 5:51 AM on April 15 [2 favorites]

My tendency is to agree with TypographicalError and availablelight -- it's just flirting, it's not evil. Yes, the man is doing it because he wants attention. So are you. It's human. That doesn't make it horrible/manipulative/whatever else you want.

If you want it to stop, my advice would be to be explicit about the flirtation. Say something like "wow, we're really flirting. I'm not sure I feel comfortable about this." This will accomplish two things. First, it will remove ambiguity. After all, much of the fun with flirtation is the ambiguity of it -- will I get this attention today? How will she respond if I sit close to her? Etc. Remove that ambiguity, and the flirtation will be much less fun. Second, I'm guessing that the guy feels ok about the flirtation as long as he can retain, in his own mind, some amount of plausible deniability. Once it's been spoken about, he will lose that; I predict he'll stop flirting.

(I was once in a situation similar to yours, anon. Fun flirtation with a married coworker who I saw infrequently. One time I walked over to his office and said "let's get coffee". I've never had a more uncomfortable drink in my life -- he clearly (and mistakenly!) thought I was trying to take things to the next level and was panicking about that.)

Of course, before you take any of the steps mentioned here, you're going to need to deal with the fact that you are greatly enjoying this flirtation; you have mixed feelings, and part of you definitely wants it to continue. Don't beat yourself up over this -- as I said before, we all like attention, it's human. But be aware of the very human tendency to kid yourself, and think up reasons not to do things we don't want to do. So if you are thinking "but I don't want to seem cold!", be aware that that's probably just you kidding yourself.
posted by wyzewoman at 6:01 AM on April 15 [1 favorite]

Ask him about his kids next time you catch yourself flirting. That should end things real quick.
posted by electroboy at 6:22 AM on April 15

She's not doing a fun simple flirt. She's crushing and hates herself. That's different.
posted by MiffyCLB at 8:53 AM on April 15 [2 favorites]

I agree with those who say there's nothing wrong with a little aboveboard flirting. But notice that isn't this situation. We don't have two secure people who fully undertand that this is recreational flirting and have it in perspective and in boundaries.

Innocent flirting only works when both parties really know that's what it is. When one person thinks it's meaningful flirting - or when both people think it - it isn't harmless play any more. To me, it sounded like the OP had lost track of the difference or at least decided that this version of the flirting was not appropriate. She seems to be asking what to do in order to get it in perspective. If he means it, then she wants to stop because they guy is married etc. If he doesn't mean it, then she wants to stop because her feelings have become uncomfortably out of control.

So it's not flirting itself that's the issue here, it's whether everybody's boundaries are good.
posted by Miko at 9:03 AM on April 15 [2 favorites]

Count me with the Prudey McPrudes.

Stop flirting with him.

-
posted by General Tonic at 9:22 AM on April 15 [1 favorite]

The OP asks "how to stop [a] married man from flirting?" says that he or she needs to regain control, states he or she has already decided it's wrong and a bad idea to pursue this man and hates himself or herself for what he or she has already done.

(Crikey, ungendered posts are difficult to describe. I understand why people leave out their genders but why won't anyone think of the poor pronouns?)

I love flirting! I think it can be light-hearted and fun but when it's ruining a person's self-worth and they have expressed a desire to stop, a different sort of response is called-for.

klangklangston's comment is golden... a sure-fire way to turn a guy OFF is to compare him to your brother. Or your pet. Or your dad. Or say he's "so cute and little." Or to tell him about your intestinal problems, or your debt, or your home reno... the list of boring, asexual topics goes on and on...
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:41 AM on April 15

If you need more ideas about how to turn guys off, just let me know... :|
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:43 AM on April 15 [1 favorite]

It might help to realize that if he's actually flirting with you, he's not such a nice guy.

Um, yeah- but maybe he is.

People have affairs all of time. Harmless if total discretion is employed.

But by going on ask metafilter about this and fretting over it, you definitely seem like you are not wired for it.
posted by Zambrano at 9:45 AM on April 15

People have affairs all of time. Harmless if total discretion is employed.

Heh- as soon as I read that I KNEW it had to be Zambrano.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:06 AM on April 15 [5 favorites]

The problem is really you.

You have control over your emotions. You have control over your actions. You have control over this situation.

For some reason, you're choosing not to exert this control. Who knows why--maybe you think it's romantic, maybe you're caught up in a big-R Romantic ideal of overwhelming passion, maybe you were never taught appropriate boundaries, maybe you've watched too many soap operas.

But the best way to stop him from flirting is to stop flirting yourself. And polite, friendly, joking anti-flirting is even better.

"Hi, Joe!"
"Hey, beautiful!"
"Aren't you sweet. Your wife's a lucky woman!"

"This meeting is boring. Let's cut out and go to a bar and have fun."
"Why, Joe, if you weren't a married man, I'd think you were flirting with me!"

You can do it. You just have to get over yourself and do it. Crushing on unattainable people is normal--wallowing in those crushes without deflating the bubble is generally an a sign that you're using the crushes to avoid dealing with real relationships.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:22 AM on April 15

OP...am curious how you've been in your past relationships? If *normal* then this is an aberration and you should simply stop flirting. If your past relationships have a trend toward, let's say, fear of commitment, then maybe, even subconsciously, you may be attracted to those you can't have, which may ease your fears of commitment.

The story that brings this theory up is an old friend of a friend who was a super-attractive, successful, and genuinely nice gal who simply liked dating married men because she didn't want to get married, wanted to have sex, but generally want all the other trappings of a healthy relationship. She knew it was wrong...but she never expected her pursuits to leave their wives for her....a la, "Guess what, I left so-and-so...!" She did this serially through her mid-20s and 30's, wrecking several families along the way.

Figuratively, if not literally, run in the opposite direction.
posted by teg4rvn at 11:12 AM on April 15

Last post edit...."but generally did NOT want all the other trappings of a healthy relationship..."
posted by teg4rvn at 12:22 PM on April 15

Try pretending that a reality TV crew is filming your every move, with the idea of showing it all to the wife. Behave accordingly. Soon the flirting will stop.
posted by agentwills at 4:26 PM on April 15