How to get over my lesbian crush

December 19, 2008 12:40 PM

I'm a married woman and I developed a maddening crush on another woman. Now I can't figure out how to get on with my otherwise really happy life and wonderful husband. Help me sort this out!

I met this woman 18 years ago in college and she was never more than an acquaintance really. She tried hard to make friends with me but we never really hit it off or spent time together.

Fast forward 12 years and she and I ended up working together and starting a business. At this point in my life I found her to be funnier and more exciting than in college but really didn't spend time together outside of work.

I was already married at this point and she proceeded over the next four years to go through 3 terrible relationships with guys. The first guy cheated on her, second guy beat her up and the third guy actually was indited on child abuse charges.

After the third break up is when we started to really spend time together. TONS of really fun time together. Imagine any 80's movie montage of two people having the time of their lives together. One night I admitted to her that I had a crush on her and she accepted it very well. She didn't say she had similar feelings that night but a few weeks later told me she felt the same way I did. We didn't pursue anything physically but I always felt like we both had wanted to.

4 months later she found a great new guy and a few months after that they got engaged. Now I want to just move on and feel happy for her and get on with my husband but I can't stop obsessing about what might have been.

I am having the hardest time acting normal around her and the feelings and awkwardness only subside when she's not around but we still work together and I don't really have the ability to switch my place of business. How do I get over this while still maintaining a working relationship and should I ever talk to her about it and what might have been?

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 answers total)

Just your brain playing tricks with you.
posted by troy at 12:59 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Keep asking yourself why it is that you didn't act on it at any time during the four months before she met someone. You're only thinking about it now in terms of 'what might have been' because that door has closed.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 1:05 PM on December 19, 2008

No, I wouldn't talk to her about "what might have been". That's really not going to help the situation at all. If she wanted to pursue something with you, she would have when you told her you had feelings for her. I'm not saying that she wasn't into you, but obviously nothing started between the two of you. She has moved on and is happy. All you can do right now if be happy for her. It must be hard at work, but just try to be a professional. I really don't think talking about what you may have had will help the situation.

It sounds like you aren't happy with your husband...possibly because...he's a guy? I mean I don't know if you have always been interested in both men and women. But I didn't see anything here about how much you love your husband or that you were happy with him. Just that you wanted to "get on with your husband". You need to examine that part of your life.

Bottom line-I think the fact that you are not happy with your husband is causing you to be hung up on this woman. I think other aspects of your life are making it harder for you to get over over.

Good luck. I hope you find happiness.
posted by pdx87 at 1:06 PM on December 19, 2008

I'm not sure there's one answer to your problem; there are a number of actions you could take, but they all pretty much suck. Being in a not-terribly-dissimilar situation myself at the moment, I have decided that this is the best course, for me:

Do the mature thing and maintain the friendship, with the boundaries that implies. Push through the awkwardness, infatuation and (if you're like me) the loss of the ability to eat or sleep. It's very possible that once those feelings pass, you'll have a solid friendship again.

Cons: It sucks, but it sucks less than most other options.

Pros: You might lose some weight. (I'm down 10 pounds.)
posted by crickets at 1:11 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

An addendum to my above answer:

I chose this route only partly because it's the Right Thing To Do.

The selfish part of me was able to choose it because if my crush ever becomes available, I don't want the baggage of being the one they cheated with to get in the way of a real relationship. I really don't want to be the reason that the marriage ends. Neither of those things makes for the good foundation of a new romance.
posted by crickets at 1:16 PM on December 19, 2008

So, crushes can be normal. But when you confessed the crush to her, and she admitted she returned your feelings, and you kept hanging out with her and your feelings kept intensifying, this became more than a crush. It became an emotional affair. And it should be treated as such; her sex is basically irrelevant to how you proceed.

If your main concern is for protecting and honoring your marriage, then you really need to stop thinking of her as a "friend." Your feelings for her are not friendly. If you keep hanging out with her, they probably won't go away, but intensify and become even more obsessive. You're probably thinking that since she's engaged now, it's not like this is going to head anywhere, so what's the big deal? The big deal is that whether or not you realize it, your feelings for her are absorbing a significant amount of the energy that you rightfully owe to your husband. And chances are that he senses something is off/different between you and he, even if he can't exactly put his finger on the reason. This is why emotional affairs are so deadly on a relationship... they silently and subtly erode the trust that is so crucial to being together happily.

I've heard the rush that affairs provide described like a drug, and generally people recommend you follow the same guidelines you would when quitting any other addiction: cut yourself off from the addictive substance. Stop hanging out with her outside of work. If you really can't switch jobs, limit your interactions with her to the bare minimum of what is necessary, and bluntly decline/ignore all attempts at personal interaction. She probably will be hurt by your new coldness, but remind yourself that your primary concern is not for her feelings, but your marriage. You also might want to check out some boards that provide help and guidelines to people recovering from affairs, emotional or physical -- I've seen survivinginfidelity.com recommended several times. (Some such sites also recommend that you tell your partner about what you are feeling for the other person: if he knows you were tempted, it's a powerful incentive to behave, and to think about your commitment to him, first and foremost, and also to work on becoming closer as a couple, and generating whatever was lacking in the relationship that you seemed to find in the other person. Such philosophies hold that those who say, "I could never tell him, because it would hurt him so much" are actually lying to themselves: their main fear is not the pain they will cause, but the consequences they might face for confessing their own behavior. I don't know about this line of thinking; it seems to me to be crystal clear in regard to a physical affair, but a little murkier when it comes to thoughts that were never acted upon.)

In conclusion, NO, you should not talk to her about it or what might have been between you two. NOTHING could have been between you two, because you are MARRIED. Don't kid yourself: playing these sorts of what-ifs is a form of cheating. "Oh, a very mild form them," some might say, but if your husband is like me, the pain he'd experience if he found out you were talking to someone about things like this would not feel mild AT ALL. And that is what you should focus on to get over these feelings.

PS I am assuming here, of course, that you and your husband agreed to be monogamous.
posted by artemisia at 1:18 PM on December 19, 2008 [4 favorites]

You've already told her about the crush. She knows. She's already told you that she felt the same way.

She might have been waiting for you, as the married person in this equation, to make some sort of strong statement. It sounds like you were paralysed with the positive and negative possibilities, and in the meantime, she went off and found someone she knew wanted to be with her.

I think that before you tell her that you're thinking about what could have been, you need to get a firm grasp on what you're hoping might come out of that discussion. A night of passion? You leaving your husband to be with her? An open relationship with you and your husband both seeing other people?

Sounds like you need to decide where you want to be. This woman aside, if you're finding yourself thinking pretty frequently about being in a relationship (sexual/emotional) with another person than your husband, I think it says a lot about the current state of your marriage. The fact that she's engaged after a few months doesn't reek of stability on her part, either. I could be wrong, of course, but hey, my advice is free and you gets what you pays for. ;) In other words, she will, in all likelihood, be single again in a few months. In the meantime, get your own head together.

Is it just her, or is she the most recent or most intense of this sort of attraction on your part? Maybe it's just me and my lib-er-ul friends, but this kind of thing isn't terribly uncommon. You just need to decide yourself what you want from it.

One thing that just popped into my head - maybe she thought you might want a fling when she might want a relationship with more stability? Getting engaged really quickly and all that just made me think she might be craving more permanence with less drama than you could offer. Just a thought...
posted by Grrlscout at 1:33 PM on December 19, 2008

You're reacting to the fact that your window of (hypothetical) opportunity closed before you had a chance to figure out what to do. Maybe you thought you had more time; you didn't. Life's full of what-might-have-beens. This is one of them.
posted by mcwetboy at 1:44 PM on December 19, 2008

artemisia just saved me a whole lot of typing. It would have been nice if you'd told us whether your husband is OK with an open relationship or not. You can email the mods and have them post on your behalf, because I think that will heavily effect the answers you get (since most will assume you're monogamous).
posted by desjardins at 1:45 PM on December 19, 2008

A quick reflection of what I am perceiving:

- You have friendship with her.
- You have a business relationship with her.
- There's sexual interest between you.
- You are both in other relationships with somewhat clear agreements around monogamy.
- You are asking anonymous strangers what to do, while it seems that a lot of time has passed between major developments between the two of you.

My question for you: what is your vision of a relationship with this person? Does it include emotional honesty?

My personal vision in all my relationships is that I can talk about anything that involves both parties. If there's a crush developing, I'd want to be able to address it, just as you did. And then address it with my other partner. Openness and transparency have so far worked best.

In the space of openness and transparency, I also value the permission for feelings. So, hurt feelings from let's say one-way crush are OK and not a reason for avoiding each other or not talking anymore. If you can stay with the person you love and see them hurt and remain connected physically and emotionally, many things become possible.

Doors you never thought existed may swing open.

As a teacher of mine says: how good are you willing to have it?
posted by andreinla at 1:50 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Perhaps if you view your relationship with Friend as something continually evolving, you can feel peace in the present moment.

Eighteen years ago, you and she had an acquaintanceship. It has blossomed into a loving friendship; however now there are obstacles preventing you from having deeper intimacy -- at this time.

The future holds myriad possibilities and outcomes.

For now, be happy for what you two have. Your feelings are reciprocated. Your lives will take many twists and turns. Expect a happy outcome and let kismet determine the details.
posted by terranova at 2:59 PM on December 19, 2008 [4 favorites]

Just a suggestion, go and talk to a counsellor to get a 'reality check' on the situation from someone who has experience about human feelings and relationships. But who will be looking at this dispassionately from the outside and who can give you some perspective, much better than we can here with the limited information you've given us.

I suspect there could be a lot more going on here than you realise yourself, to do with your relationship with your husband or just your life and feelings in yourself. I think you need to take a good hard look at what's going on here and a counsellor could help you do that.
posted by invisible_al at 4:59 PM on December 19, 2008

Even though I adore my husband and 'am happily married if i ever find myself sighing over someone I get myself back to reality by imagining the "other" not in a romantic or flattering situation but someone who left a terrible smell in the bathroom or had a huge boil on their butt that they wanted me to squeeze....ugh!
Just putting them in a typically "human" position instead of a dreamy "romantic" one - it settles me right back to reality.
Sorry if this was on the crude side, I debated adding this, but it works for me so I thought it might do the same for you.
posted by Tullyogallaghan at 6:00 PM on December 19, 2008

We don't let go of things because we don't want to let go of them. Often when we keep our focus on something we can be emotionally engaged with without actually obtaining, we are doing it so as not to focus emotionally on something else which is painful or anxiety inducing.

I'd think long and hard about what that thing could be.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:58 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think this tangent is a clue, but I don't know what it means:

I was already married at this point and she proceeded over the next four years to go through 3 terrible relationships with guys. The first guy cheated on her, second guy beat her up and the third guy actually was indited on child abuse charges.

After the third break up is when we started to really spend time together.

You like caring for people who are wounded? You were living vicariously through her increasingly strong and independent spirit? Her visible pain reflects hidden pain of your own? There are dozens of possibilities.
posted by salvia at 8:05 PM on December 20, 2008

talk to your husband, see if you can try out non-monogamy for a while. he might have a crush on some dude, you never know. then see if your friend is keen for a hook-up. wild suggestion but why not.
posted by beccyjoe at 11:43 PM on December 20, 2008

Yikes. Artemisia said it right. As a husband, I'd be totally, totally heart-broken if my wife went outside of our vows, man or woman. I've had a crush or two since I've gotten married, but in every instance, it's been a very quiet, very fleeting, and totally unworth real consideration. Getting married should really, really, really be all the things you promised to each other on your wedding day, you know, sickness and health and all that.
If your unhappy or unsatisfied with your husband, I'd deal with that first before making doing anything further with this girl. I'm sort of wondering if you feel guilty about the conversations you and this girl have had where you confessed feelings for one another. That really is an emotional affair, far beyond a crush, and a sensitive weenie like me thinks that alone is sort of disrespectful and hurtful already to your (as you said) wonderful husband.
posted by Bageena at 10:20 AM on December 21, 2008