First things first: I am a gay female. I have had a crush on my friend for several months (also a gay female), however, being inexperienced at making first moves and being shy, I have been moving very slowly. I thought perhaps she felt something for me, but never made any overt moves. Recently she drunkenly hooked up with another girl (whom she had just recently met within the last 2 weeks and this was only the second or third day they had really hung out together) at a party. I am wondering if I have completely missed my chance, and what I should do.
posted by christiehawk to Human Relations (22 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Let me preface this to say: I've only been out for about 6 months. I've never kissed another girl, yet I've known I was gay almost my whole life. I was just in heavy denial for a while. I have since decided to be true to myself and live my life, but I have a lot of emotional barriers to work through. I have very, very limited experience in relationships. The only stuff I have done has been initiated by a guy.
So I have known this girl since around November. I am 28 and she is 21, almost 22. When I first met her she was with her long distance girlfriend. They broke up a few weeks after I met her. I didn't know her well at the time, and didn't want to jump in right after her breakup. So I decided to try to just become better friends with her, and hang out with her more. When I first met her I was still firmly in the closet although I knew I wanted to come out soon.
Eventually I came out to some friends, and also the group of friends that my crush is a part of (all mostly gay females). I valued this group of gay girls because they were my first gay friends.
My crush got kinda big kinda quick, and I ended up behaving as many crushers do: I got scared of her and it was difficult to act natural around her. I hid the fact that I had feelings for her. I searched for signs that she might like me in everything she did.
The odd thing was, I thought I picked up on a vibe that she might like me. She was rather shy around me, wouldn't make eye contact, and seemed to treat me differently than her other friends. Would sometimes ignore me or act aloof in groups. Would open up a bit with me in person but would be kind of quiet. And I know she's not a super quiet person to others. However despite her shyness she wouldn't hesitate to invite me to hang out or contact me over text or Facebook.
She seems to like me quite a bit at least as a friend, yet seems somehow uncomfortable with me. That's the best way I can describe it. I never *directly* flirted with her (you know, in a sexual way), so it's not like I've made a clear move on her to make her uncomfortable.
She went away for 2 months, and I was left to my own thoughts, making the crush worse. I was in touch with her on her travels, but I was so nervous - I was unable to flirt with her although I would eagerly talk to her.
Friends (and my therapist) would tell me to just tell her I liked her. But that was and is a terrifying prospect to me.
She came back the second week in April. Called me up right away. We hung out a few days in a row, just us and with other friends. She crashed at my house one night after we had all gone out and shared my bed. Nothing happened because our other friend was there too, in my very small apartment. Plus she passed out right away. I thought we were flirting ever so slightly. But it's so hard to tell when it's your friend. I have no experience in this area. I've never made a move on someone. Being in the closet so long and repressing this side of myself has put a lot of fear into the act.
We continued to stay in touch almost every day. She would text me a lot just to say hi. We chatted on FB for almost an hour the other day. She sends me playful HeyTells. I never had a platonic friend that would contact me so much. I think this group of friends likes to text each other a lot, but this was all so different to me.
It all came to a tragic halt a few nights ago at a house party. I thought I was making some progress breaking through my fear of taking action....I was getting more comfortable playfully teasing her and making eye contact, breaking the touch barrier, etc. I thought she was getting more comfortable with me too. She didn't seem as uncomfortable with me.
Then the unthinkable happened. This other girl who was there, who lives out of state, and comes only once a month or so for a visit, ended up sharing the futon bed with her and they hooked up. I was still awake getting some water, and I heard everything. Everyone was drunk. I have never felt so terrible in my life. I cried myself to sleep in the other room, just wanting to die.
I hung out with them over the next couple of days. I watched them interact. Nothing overt. She doesn't know I heard them. She doesn't seem shy with this girl - but this girl is very very outgoing, loud, and confident (overly so, I don't care for her). The other girl went back home. They were kind of throwing around ideas about when they'd be in the same areas in their travels. I felt sick the whole time. After the girl went home my crush texted me right away to see what I was doing, wanted to hang out the next day, etc. Sent me a drunk voice message at 2am last night just saying what are you doing.
My question is.....what now? I want this to be over. I have become so lovesick over this whole situation that I can't properly function (if anyone is familiar with the term limerence, that would be an apt description).
She's not perfect. I'm older than her, she doesn't have much direction in her life right now, I know I'm intellectually far ahead of her, she likes to party and drink (although she doesn't do drugs). We have different values. But I like her as a person, we have many of the same interests, and I'm insanely attracted to her.
Should I tell her? Should I get over her? Wait and see? Just drunkenly kiss her?
I'm going to see her tonight. It's going to be a lot of people around, and partying. I don't know if I will get to get her alone. She might be going on another trip on Monday. If I fail to tell her in person, should I just send her an email or a text and just get it over with so I can move on in my life?