Being OK with being alone?

December 19, 2008 12:40 PM

How to deal with near-constant solitude?

I spend a lot of time by myself, due to an academic job track and a weird living situation. For the most part, this is fine — I’m a pretty self-directed worker, and I like what I do. But sometimes whole days go by without having human contact, and it’s starting to get to me. To exacerbate the problem, my friend group has kind of fallen apart: my roommate has partnered up, and is subsequently gone a lot of the time. The close group of friends that I used to contact is now pretty scattered, and often busy (usually we have to “schedule” time with one another, because we’re all so busy).

I’ve tried to deal with this in various ways. I got myself ear phones, and now spend a lot of my time working at the cafe instead of the library (more people == better work). I listen to music a lot, and I do as little of my work as possible at home. At the same time, just about every day, I get up, make breakfast by myself, work alone for a few hours, and then spend the rest of my day walking around with my headphones on, working, or photocopying. Sometimes whole days go by, and I won’t actually have a meaningful conversation with someone I know.

Recently, this problem has gotten pathological, to the point where I don’t even want to be alone in my home. Last night, for instance, I tried to meditate (in response to just normal stress). I wound up staring at the wall for an hour, studying paint chips, and imagining what my room will look like when I’m no longer here. In my head, I’m already displaced. "My room is empty. My stuff is gone, and I can’t find it. I am not here anymore." I do this for an hour, until finally I force myself to just stop thinking about everything and go to sleep. I sleep: I have nightmares about being alone.

I hate this. It makes me feel stupid and codependent. Worse, it makes me feel like a stranger in my own home — to the point where I’m considering dropping out of my program and moving out of my house, just so I won’t be miserable all the time.

What I think I need, actually, is to shift into some communal living arrangement, where I can be around people without having to necessarily be intimate with them all the time. Normally I have no problem with solitude - I love to travel alone, and I often *need* time to decompress. But this is getting crazy. I miss day to day human contact, getting up in the morning, chatting about work, periodically sitting down and having real conversations without having to plan them months in advance.

Living with a big group of people will definitely help with this — and will make it easier, I think, to go back to getting real work done in a place that’s safe and comfortable to be. In the meantime — I have this space. I live here, at this point, almost entirely alone. I work alone. I miss my roommate (and friends) desperately, even though I understand why she (and they) are never around. I don't really do the phone, so this really exacerbates the problem. Meanwhile, I’m taking qualifying exams this year — so I really AM spending days alone studying, with little human contact to break up the mix.

How do I manage the time between now and then (the long lapse, I suspect, in finding alternative living) without going out of my mind?

posted by anonymous to grab bag (25 answers total)

Meanwhile, I’m taking qualifying exams this year — so I really AM spending days alone studying, with little human contact to break up the mix.

Sorry to be obvious, but is it possible to do some of this studying with others in your program? When I was studying for my qualifying exams, I was working with others most of the time. (Ok, so my now-husband was also in my grad program, but we studied with lots of other people too.) Do you have an office associated with your grad program? Can you hang out there?
posted by leahwrenn at 12:52 PM on December 19, 2008

As a telecommuter, I spend much of the day alone. When I need to get something done but still feel lonely, I turn on talk radio. (NPR won't rot your brain. YMMV with the AM stuff).

It's pretty hard to initiate a conversation with someone who is wearing headphones. Perhaps take them out when you are taking a break in a public gathering place: you might end up connecting with someone interesting. Even if you don't, you might feel more connected to human presence if you can hear others talk.
posted by jamaro at 12:56 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Have you considered seeking out a coworking venue? As they say on this wiki:
"Tired of working out of your living room and escaping to coffee shops that are noisy and have unreliable wireless? Love being independent, but get lonely working solo sometimes?"
posted by nightwood at 12:57 PM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]

This sounds silly, but try taking off your headphones when you study outside of the house, and try to meet people wherever you are studying. Even a short conversation with someone you might not see again can help break up the monotony, and some fraction of these people might become close friends later. You really never know.
posted by melvinwang at 1:06 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, you need to take off the headphones and be *with* the people you're around. If you actually want to experience other people, you need to project availability and I'd never try to strike up a conversation with someone clearly in their own world, like you are. Look up, smile at people, wish them a nice day. Be open to interaction.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 1:36 PM on December 19, 2008

I've found talk radio/podcasts help, I listen to NPR quite a bit but found they seem to be a bit heavy on the "Doom and Gloom". A few funny podcasts or radioshows that offer downloads can at least help making it "feel" like you have company.
posted by Scientifik at 1:37 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you still have friends in your area, see if you can schedule a weekly lunch with a number of them (maybe different people on different days). No matter how busy they are, they still have to eat.
posted by you're a kitty! at 1:38 PM on December 19, 2008

You can spend time with people even without taking (much) more time out of your day.
Things that help me:

Exercising in a place where talking with other people works (for me, this is e.g. climbing gym instead of swimming pool).

Eating somewhere with other people (even if it just means taking a sandwich to a table other people can pass by). Also good to plan lunches with other people in your grad program; you're likely not the only one studying for quals, so even if you don't/can't study with them, you all still need to eat. Do it together; you'll motivate each other and otherwise stay more sane.

I also don't do phone, but I'm a big fan of online chatting. Maybe you don't like that either; how about email, or maybe even writing snail mail letters? Any form of communication can help remind you that there's a "rest of the world" out there.

Otherwise, yes, look for a more communal living situation, yes, take off your headphones. And-- invite new people you meet to come to your house. Have a standing meeting so that people can plan for it-- Wednesday night dinner, Friday games night, whatever works for you. People will come when they can, and it'll give you a guarantee of social interaction for that day.
posted by nat at 1:38 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

DEFINITELY form a study group- you learn so much more and get some socialization at the same time. Plus, you study harder in your non-study group time so that you won't embarrass yourself in front of your classmates (or so you can look smart in front of your classmates, if you're that kind of person). I would also recommend making a study schedule- you really shouldn't study more then 8-10 hours a day, or for more then a few hours at a stretch. When you take breaks, you can go do something around other people.
posted by genmonster at 1:47 PM on December 19, 2008

Volunteer.
posted by desjardins at 1:47 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Just as a piece of info, when living in very, similarly isolated circumstances I read that the average happy person has 22 exchanges with other people in an average day. These do NOT have to be long conversations. So I made a point of saying hello to the postman, a neighbour, the lady where I got my coffee.

Lo and behold, I was happier. I still do this, as a work-from-homer, and it really does make a difference. I'll say "hello, how are you, nice day" to any fucker these days.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:51 PM on December 19, 2008 [21 favorites]

I'll say "hello, how are you, nice day" to any fucker these days.

This makes it all the harder on me when you avert your gaze . . .

I know this isn't the same thing, at all, but consider online communities too. Maybe even an online game you can join at the end of a hard day.

Schedule an exercise or art class for 1-2 times a week.

On the weekends, go to a Quaker meeting or something similar.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 2:20 PM on December 19, 2008

- I started singing in a choir: a once-a-week commitment that forced me to overcome my post-breakup-self-chosen solitude.
- (there are no pubs around here...) I used the internet knowingly as a substitute for the real thing, but also as 'better than nothing': I e-mailed a lot to friends, and tried to write helpful or funny things, and not to be too persistent. Some exchanges stuck - others didn't. You'll need a light hand with this. I joined a few work-related discussion groups to combine social and professional activities.
- I ate a lot of 70% chocolate to fight the blues. Otherwise, I rigorously maintained a discipline of cooking real meals for myself and baking real bread at home. One has to connect to stuff that has been meaningful to humans for thousands of years.

What others said: talking to folks in the shop helps. And no headphones! The use of headphones signals that you want to be left alone.
posted by Namlit at 2:24 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

A volunteer commitment or meditation group or whatever at a regularly scheduled time each week. It helps to look forward to structured social contact, even when you need to spend hours or days alone in between. (Just as the worst hunger pangs belong to the man who doesn't know when to expect his next meal.)
posted by availablelight at 2:35 PM on December 19, 2008

Join Facebook. People you'd forgotten about for years will crawl out of the woodwork. Someone from 3rd grade contacted me recently.
posted by desjardins at 3:37 PM on December 19, 2008

i also completely agree with volunteering. the second biggest reason why people volunteer is to meet other people. you'll naturally find other folks who want to talk, are curious, etc.

also, when you're out in a social setting (agree with other to take the headphones off, at least some of the time!) make a point of initiating conversations. even if it's a "wow, that's a really beautiful skirt -- did you find that locally?" (or even better, "that skirt looks beautiful on you -- did you find it locally?), you're reaching out. for me, it's the reaching out that's the most important part.

hang in there!
posted by CitizenD at 5:07 PM on December 19, 2008

I'm not sure that moving to a larger communal house is the answer. If you're someone who enjoys time by yourself and needs time to decompress / recharge, then (as someone who has the same needs), living by yourself (or with a someone who's not around much) is a good thing. It means that your social interactions are on your terms, not theirs. Living with several other people can be great, but can be stressful as well - they're likely to want to chat when you want to be by yourself!

While I've loved living in share houses, and have made some lifelong friends, the best thing I ever did was move to my own place. Yes, at first it was difficult to adjust to, and initially I felt a bit lonely because I was used to having people on tap to chat to, but it gave me control over my interactions with others. If I need some time to myself, I have it, I don't need to make excuses and hide in my room. If I want to see friends, I schedule it. On days where I'm not meeting friends, if I want human contact, it's easy to get out of the house and find it.

As everyone has said, ditch the headphones, and make yourself approachable when you're out and about. Speak to people in shops / at the cafe - doesn't have to be a proper conversation, just smile and say hello and ask them how their day is going. If you go to the same cafe often, you'll become a regular and you'll be able to have social conversations as well.
posted by finding.perdita at 5:12 PM on December 19, 2008

Become a regular at a neighborhood restaurant or pub. Go once a week if you can, be nice to the staff, and have dinner at the bar, introduce yourself as a neighbor. It's a great low-impact way to chat with the people next to you, get 'friendly' with the bartender so that you feel welcomed next time, and best of all, it's perfectly acceptable to get up and leave when you've had enough.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:45 PM on December 19, 2008

I have a good friend I call once a day around 10:30. We usually talk for no more than 5 or 10 minutes - but it always brightens my day. Do you have a friend that you could call for a quick chat around lunch time - even talking about the weather with a friend is better than staring at the paint.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 6:17 PM on December 19, 2008

I agree that you should take off the earphones every once in a while; it allows for spontaneous conversations with strangers. But, when you do have your iPod going, don't (just) listen to music. Subscribe to podcasts that have people talking, having conversations. There are a plethora of such podcasts, just find the genres you like.

Long term question to ask: how long is your academic and/or work situation going to go on? Six months? A year? Indefinitely? If the former, I'd say don't sweat it. Once your school situation ends you'll have the time to be more social. But if you genuinely don't see an end to this lifestyle, then you should make some executive decisions about how you can meet your friends/meet new people regularly. That will mean putting yourself out there, and making time for friends.
posted by zardoz at 7:18 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Headphones off. Seriously. I used to wear mine almost all the time outdoors, but I learned that not only do my ears ache after a while, but I was feeling crappier, and people just swerve by and ignore me. It's gotten to the point that I VERY rarely wear them anymore, anywhere.

I'm like you; I have a room all to myself, living in a "multi-family" style complex where everyone has their own room and the only places shared are the kitchen and bathrooms. And sitting in my room for hours drives me nuts too, to the point that I just get up, get dressed, and go for a walk, even if it's midnight. I rarely hang out with people. Luckily, I have two jobs that have fun supervisors, one especially that cracks me up often. But I still crave for human contact.

So what do I do when I really can't get regular human contact? I get distracted. Read, start drawing stick figures, read funny wacky MeFi posts ;), write short stories even if they're not Pulitzer-worthy - in short, do something CREATIVE and NEW. Okay, so I have an artistic advantage, and I'm kinda OCD, but don't let that stop you! Always search for something to do, something that's new to you, to keep your mind active.

On a related note, if you want to start writing snail mail letters (penpal-ling), just MeFiMail me. I'm dying for that kind of stuff.
posted by curagea at 8:33 PM on December 19, 2008 [2 favorites]

Study in your school library at a centrally-located open table around other students instead of at home or at one of those desks with the blinders.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:09 PM on December 19, 2008

Hello anon,

I'm in a similar boat -- I'm studying abroad, living with a host family, but they aren't around all the time and my introverted personality has lead me to over-isolation last semester.

Here's what's helped me in the past few weeks, and what I plan to continue next semester:
1) Getting out to walk around in a local park: the exercise is good, the fresh air feels lovely, and you see people as well
2) Patronizing one cafe in particular, to become a friendly face
3) Arranging a lunch date with a friend -- it's something to look forward to during the week, and that provides much-needed interaction

Good luck! I'm right there too, so I completely understood where you are coming from.
posted by fantine at 1:26 PM on December 22, 2008

Meetups are a great way to meet people & if you're in/near a decently large city, there will be scads of them. All the people there, relatively lonely strangers looking to meet people.

Someone mentioned CoWorking, why not Work At Jelly? - if there's one near you great, if not, then start one.
posted by Muffy at 2:09 PM on December 22, 2008

thank you for asking this question. for ages i've had this same problem but couldn't quite put it into words. i've found that not speaking to anyone has a seriously negative affect on my wellbeing and so have started going every day or so to a cafe down the street. the people there remember me by now and i get to have a good solid chat with someone who's not a complete stranger.
posted by big open mouth at 5:50 PM on December 28, 2008