Back to school again

April 14, 2009 6:33 PM

How to cope with an odd social dynamic in a closed society? (Sorry, this got long)

This is going to be a really weird question and I apologize in advance. I think I have been too much 'in my own head' this week and some feedback and practical advice would really help.

Some backstory:

I'm a painter and am on a six-week long retreat in a tiny, remote village with a bunch of other visual artists. I'm good at being on my own and was looking forward to having a lot of 'me time' combined with (I thought) occasional socializing with others.

The first few days were great, there are a few other artists that I hit it off with and we cooked and ate together, had a few drinks, explored the village. I got a bit of hassle because I spend a lot of time working (I need to stand by my easel for about an hour before I even start to feel warmed up, it's just how I am), but I laughed it off. I felt a bit uncomfortable at times because one artist in particular was really negative towards me (saying that I'm boring, other things that I thought were a bit off), but I shrugged it off. I have social anxiety and tend to read too much into people's actions so I put it down to being too sensitive. I did think that one or two people were very rude and probably didn't like me much, but hey, s*** happens, we're all stuck here, so I guessed that we'd all just have to cope.

Since then it's been a rewind to high school. Long story short, when I've encountered the other artists they've blanked me, ignored my questions/greetings when they definitely heard me, told me again that I was 'boring' (ouch), started silly issues about who's using the kitchen and when, who's taking up too much space on the washing line (yes really), and most of all just ignored me. I've spent the past week cooking and eating on my own and they walk past my room to go to a local restaurant, without inviting me. The first time that happened I figured I was being super-sensitive and should just tag along, but it was made pretty clear that I was not invited.

My question, therefore:

Given that I will be here for another three weeks, what can I do to help myself to cope? I have thought about leaving, but it seems ridiculous, I've taken heaps of time off work to be here and I was getting some really good work done. The last three days I've felt myself sliding down into a bit of mild depression and today I didn't do any painting at all. I just feel like crap and don't feel like doing anything. And things were going so well until this happened!

What sorts of things can I tell myself to remind me that these are just a bunch of so-called adults (40ish) acting like kids? Logically I know that it reflects more on them than it does on me, but in reality I feel like a friendless loser on a school camp. How on earth can I make this work for myself?

I've tried a bit of friendly chit-chat with people when I catch them on their own but I get teen-style monosyllables in return (it really would be funny if it wasn't so depressing).

posted by ask me please to human relations (29 comments total)

Wow, that sucks. I've experienced it first hand, myself, from so called "grownups" and it's boggling. My recommendation is to buy a whole bunch of beer (or wine, or the local intoxicant) and stock the fridge with it. Everytime someone gives you that passive-aggressive little grunt, just reply "there's beer in the fridge, help yourself." You'll thaw a couple of the less pissy with that, and then the faction crumbles. It also works with beef. Good luck!
posted by The Light Fantastic at 6:49 PM on April 14 [4 favorites]

That is awful. It sounds like there's a ringleader in the one rude person and everyone else are following their lead. I wouldn't try to break the dynamic - it will be worse if you do, because you'll be threatening the leader's authority and they'll feel compelled to crush you rather than just control everyone's feelings about you.

I don't know how healthy it is, but when I'm in situations like that (and for whatever reason I've been in such situations many times) I have a visualization that helps me.

I imagine a big rainbow-colored wall of glass in between me and my antagonists. They cannot touch me, and it is only with effort I can hear them. The more negative the interaction with the people the thicker and more vivid I picture the wall to be.

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how terrible it is to be shunned like that. I wish I had more helpful advice.
posted by winna at 6:52 PM on April 14 [2 favorites]

TheLightFantastic's suggestion is good, though I don't think you should have to provide them with free stuff for being jerks unless you're really wanting to win them over.

One theory of why this is happening is that the rude guy feels threatened by you and maybe even lied to the others about something you didn't actually do or say to turn them against you. If you could get one of them alone and be like, "Hey, what's the deal, did I do something to make you guys upset? I don't really get this cold-shoulder routine." You don't have anything to lose, since they're already being jerks.

If that doesn't work, just ignore the assholes and get the best work done while you have the time off. Don't let them get to you on your vacation.
posted by ishotjr at 6:56 PM on April 14 [2 favorites]

Take long walks in the area, tire yourself out, paint as much as you can (even if what you are doing is crap- it sounds like you are working more than them and they hate you for it, so keep at it, drive 'em bughouse), and remind yourself three weeks is not that long. You'll make it.
posted by vrakatar at 6:58 PM on April 14

Oh dear... I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I agree with The Light Fantastic's suggestion of crumbling the faction; that is, if you're aching for company though they don't sound like they're worth it. I wonder if one or two people may be badmouthing you to the rest.

I suggest giving up on any meaningful relationships with these people (because they are jerks) and make up your mind to focus on your work as much as possible. It seems like a wonderful opportunity so think about how you'd like to look back on it and enact that in the present.

When you do run into them, exchange some positive pleasantries and cut it very short. This way you don't seem like you're trying too hard or grovelling (not that you are, not that you would) but you're being polite enough that the kitchen/washing line issues may fall by the wayside.

E.g. "The light was wonderful today, I painted the scene east of our cabin. How was your work today?"

"Good."

"I'm glad to hear it. I saw your picture of that waterfall, it was beautiful. Enjoy your dinner!"

And then walk away immediately.

Also: FUCK 'EM.
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:01 PM on April 14

That is lame. I would complain to whomever runs the retreat and tell them it's impacting your work and their creating-a-peaceful-retreat skills are a little on the weak side. Let them deal with it.
posted by fshgrl at 7:05 PM on April 14

I agree you should focus on your work. The socialization and hanging out should always have been secondary even had it gone well. It isn't important that other people like you. It is important that you come away from these six weeks with some work you're happy with.
posted by zadcat at 7:11 PM on April 14

This might sound a little off-the-wall, but maybe this is actually a bit of a blessing? Maybe you really, really need the space and isolation to do some amazing work. And even though you're getting this space in such a childish, hurtful way, well, you are getting lots and lots of space. Maybe try this just for one day: every time someone snubs you, say to yourself, once they are out of earshot "thank you for giving me this space." Even if you feel completely silly, this might help.

Also, I would be willing to bet that one of the ringleaders feels threatened by your work ethic. What the hell kind of serious artist are they, that they would go to all the trouble of going to a retreat, only to spend their time creating this Lord of the Flies drama?
posted by wholebroad at 7:24 PM on April 14 [2 favorites]

If it's your style, make some quick flattering character sketches of the people who are nice to you, one at a time. Add a short note that refers a part of their personality that inspired you, along with your signature. I'm willing to bet the rest will come around. It's influence ego based, which might just work with this group. No one is ever bored when the topic is about themself.
Something I found:
A visiting Prince came into Michelangelo's studio and found the master staring at a single 18-foot block of marble. Then he knew the rumors were true that Michelangelo had come in every day for the past four months, stared at the marble, and gone home for his supper. So the Prince asked the obvious, "What are you doing?" And Michelangelo turned around and looked at him and whispered, "Sto lavorando". "I'm working." Three years later, that block of marble was the Statue of David.
posted by Acacia at 7:26 PM on April 14 [5 favorites]

It sounds like there's a small chance you may have done something, quite innocently, that was misconstrued or misinterpreted. You might want to check this out by asking one or two of the more mature people there. I'd do it immediately, so if it's something that's going to hurt your feelings, you can get past it and back to work as soon as possible.
posted by amtho at 7:26 PM on April 14

- it sounds like you are working more than them and they hate you for it,

one of the ringleaders feels threatened by your work ethic

I think this is very possibly the case.

You might want to check this out by asking one or two of the more mature people there.

This is a good idea, but before you do, please be sure it's not going to become some sort of quest that ruins the remaining work time you have. Seems like you should create a schedule and stay faithful to it.

I've spent a lot of time living and working in communal settings - not artists' colonies, but similar. I have noticed a lot of patterns and predictability in these settings, regardless of the personalities involved. There is often a "slump" time in the middle, and at three weeks in and three weeks to the end, you're in it. Sometime during the next week or two weeks, some of these chummy relationships are going to fray. It's likely you'll forge an unexpected bond or two with someone else who you find yourself talking to at an odd time. It's possible the Alpha dog person will wear thin and relationships will re-form. And it's also possible that there will develop an intense time of fellow-feeling and conversation at the end. I imagine that in this setting around the end of Week Four or beginning of Week Five some of these people are going to say "oh shit, I've done nothing" and scramble to get work done, or alternatively give up completely and sit around complaining loudly in flaccid self-recriminiation. Things will get weirder at the end - they could get weird in your favor, or not. But I wouldn't expect the dull, middle feeling of this week to continue. It's possible that at the end, you alone will have some significant work and personal progress to show.

It's also possible that this group just doesn't gel. Maybe you really don't have much of a personality match with this bunch. Not all groups gel - it's an odd thing, hard to pinpoint. Some bond very tightly and include everyone, some don't, some splinter into two groups, some fragment into tiny pairs and individuals and threes. Whatever is going on with this group, don't assign it to yourself. I have a feeling if you could handpick the people to go on a retreat with, you'd have been fine. This particular bunch hasn't matched with you very well - but I agree that it's probably not every single individual - there are some people whose personalities and desires are simply less strong who are just meandering along with the herd. You can make inroads with people like that.

Anyway - work on your work, it's what you're there to do. Write some letters to friends (people love real letters these days - a LOT!) and devote that hour to stand at your easel daily. Those other people are learning from you, even if they aren't acting warm. Be yourself. Only you can do that.
posted by Miko at 7:52 PM on April 14 [6 favorites]

Ohhh, so sorry. What a bucket of cold water on your retreat. Well, focus on your work, and channel the frustration into your art. This is just a microcosm of the real world, right? So privately roll your eyes at the drama, and repurpose it in your head when you work.
posted by desuetude at 8:07 PM on April 14

Oh god, artists. I'm in an MFA program for writing and while there are a ton of truly terrific people, there has been, at times, drama of exactly the sort you're talking about. Really, stuff I hadn't experienced since middle school.

If I were in your position, I'd make one last gesture to reach out to people. Buy a few bottles of wine and invite them to your studio to drink--since you'll be on your own turf, you'll naturally feel a bit more at ease, which will make them feel more at ease. And even if just one or two people show up, I've found that this sort of night, spent talking and drinking and getting to know one another, can really help forge reassuring alliances in the face of this sort of situation.

But, barring that, what everyone else said: Fuck em. In three weeks, you'll never see these people again, and it sounds like you're already getting a great deal of art done. You don't need these people, who sound too wrapped up in their own drama to actually accomplish much. And, though you probably know it, it really does sound like they might just be jealous of your productivity. As well they should be. :)

But, like I said, I've been there before. Feel free to MeMail me if you need someone to vent to.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:29 PM on April 14 [3 favorites]

Argh, it's almost sickeningly amazing how quickly we can be whisked back to those traumatic/depressing school days sometimes, isn't it? I'm sorry you're going through this, especially when your retreat ought to be something truly positive and rejuvenating for you. I'm not entirely sure what I could offer beyond the excellent suggestions above me, but one thing I try to do these days - ESPECIALLY when I'm in a situation that I know is temporary, no matter how long each individual day might seem at the time - is to step back and really keep the bigger picture in mind.

By this I mean: okay, even in the unlikely situation that your absolute worst fears are true and these people just genuinely do not like you, for whatever reason, what does that really mean in the long run? They formulated a negative opinion of you after, what, a few days? When you leave this retreat, do you have friends you can call, people who know who you really are and appreciate you for that? Draw on that, draw on the validation that comes from knowing that people who are your friends consider you in turn to be someone they want to know and be around. Draw on the things you like about your life - maybe think about your most amazing, witty, insightful or committed friends, and compare them to the petty and immature people you're currently surrounded by: whose opinion of you is more valid? Which will impact you more in the long run? Or perhaps think about things you've accomplished, or things you've challenged yourself with, or anything else about your life that you own and are proud of ... When all is told, are you really missing anything because these twits are shutting you out, or are they?

And if that doesn't work, my ultimate stand-by is this: observe everything with an eye towards relating the ridiculousness of the situation to your friends back home or towards recording in a journal you can look back on one day and laugh about - if we didn't have uncomfortable experiences in life, how could we ever have entertaining drinking stories to tell later on?

Hang in there, you're going to be okay (and you can certainly add me to the list of folks you're welcome to MeMail should you need a friendly ventee :)
posted by DingoMutt at 8:54 PM on April 14 [1 favorite]

Paint it out.

You're an artist. Artist live off emotions. You been given a bucket load of emotive issues.
Thank them for it and paint your heart out.
posted by Xhris at 9:40 PM on April 14

I don't know if it's worth doing anything really, since it's just 3 more weeks. But if it were a more permanent situation, I'd say get fucking angry! They're acting like retards, and doing it specifically to make you feel like shit. They can sense your meekness, and it only emboldens them.

This is actually a somewhat manipulative tactic. The really mature thing to do is to tattoo a smile on your face and act as though nothing were amiss. But people have a funny tendency to want others to want them, even if they don't want the other. So, try telling them to fuck off.
posted by mpls2 at 10:16 PM on April 14

Six weeks in the face of active and sustained hostility can be a very long time. Once you're designated as The Goat, demonstrating independence and resilience often just makes you that much more prominent a target.

I second theLightFantastic's recommendation: Bribe them with beer. Also, play dumb. When you seem simultaneously generous, stupid, and impossible to emotionally affect (because you don't notice you're being attacked), you become a progressively less interesting target.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:18 PM on April 14

I'd revise my comment by saying that you need to know why they're acting this way: If they're doing it because they actually dislike you--because you're not wearing the right jeans or whatever--then, yeah, tell them to fuck off. But if they're ignoring you because you seem boring or shy, then I do think it's somewhat your responsibility to make an effort to be more social, and free alcohol is an effective, if expensive, way to do that.
posted by mpls2 at 10:24 PM on April 14

Hmm. Just another cloud in the brainstorm here: if they're acting this way because they're all intimidated by your amazing work ethic and your awesome painting skillz, maybe you could dissolve that by revealing a little vulnerability. Maybe they're all like "sure, he's good at painting but he... spends too much time painting so he's... yeah, boring!" as a way of covering over their insecurities or something. So maybe a little bit of "how did you get the shading on that to look so good -- i've been working on that part all day and can't figure it out" would be a way to open the door, and then you could lead into a broader conversation ("oh, you learned that in art school? when did you go to art school, before you started working at the fire insurance agency?").
posted by salvia at 10:52 PM on April 14

Thank you x1000 for all of these comments. I can't tell you how much this is helping me to figure out how to go forward with this. Just the fact that this is a recognised aspect of group dynamics helps me to remind myself that it's not just me who's causing the situation, & that it's happened to others. This is an excellent tool for preventing myself spiralling into self-blame and depression and what have you.

One point that I left out, FWIW: I like a drink (boy do I like a drink!), but I probably don't drink as much as many people do, and I never drink during the day. It makes me feel tired and woozy and often gives me a headache, so I don't do it. I don't care if other people want to knock a few back in the daytime, but I usually won't want to join in *shrug*.

Also, without going into any details at all, I made it very clear that I was not at all interested in being involved in the purchase or consumption of anything harder than alcohol. I don't care what other people do, but it's not for me. I think that this contributed significantly to the cries of "boring!", and certainly to my feeling that I was back at high school!
posted by ask me please at 11:04 PM on April 14

Hmm, well, what about chocolate?
posted by salvia at 11:38 PM on April 14

Ah, that's an interesting little addition there, and brings in another aspect... It's easy for people to feel judged, especially if the person expressing disinterest in their (non-mainstream, frowned-upon, probably-illegal) activities isn't the most socially adept. By which I mean, you have to be really exceptionally socially adept to be able to say "Sorry, guys, no cocaine for me" or "Nah, I'm not interested in going in with you guys on a bag of pot" without it coming off as judgmental. I think that means you really do have to be friendly/social, show a willingness to hang out with them, try to express your own preference as an eccentricity - "Oh no, none for me, thanks" rather than "Smoking is a nasty habit and I don't want any part of it" or even "Sorry, too illegal for me".

Of course, for all I know, they're all on this retreat because "artists' retreat" is code for "get high as a kite for six weeks, woooo!" and they don't get why you're doing all this painting and crap instead of "gathering inspiration". Or they feel challenged/judged by it.
posted by Lady Li at 12:06 AM on April 15

Also, without going into any details at all, I made it very clear that I was not at all interested in being involved in the purchase or consumption of anything harder than alcohol.

Hmmm. I wonder whether the others are imagining you "looking down on them" or "acting morally superior"? Even if you never said or did anything to justify such a characterization, they may attribute it to you. At any rate, your non-participation in any "harder than alcohol" hijinks that might be going on would compound with your greater productivity to make you even more of an outsider to their in-group.

I'm not sure how to go about it, but I wonder if you can get across the message that you really aren't bothered by the "harder than alcohol" stuff they're doing and you don't look down on them for it.

On preview, Lady Li is thinking the same thing as me but expressing it much better.
posted by Orinda at 12:13 AM on April 15

Yeah, it's like being back at school again, but I think this is just what happens when you lock a group of people up in a closed environment for any length of time. You have now seen each other (nearly) all day, every day, for three weeks, which is basically the same as going to school with them and living in the same neighbourhood without access to cars and stuff to get you out of there. Except that instead of the 'bad guy' being the teacher, it's (unfortunately) you for disapproving of their flying high as kites, or your work ethic, or whatever.

... I don't have anything to contribute to the ton of great advice above, I just wanted to say that this is really quite normal. Good luck!
posted by Xany at 12:29 AM on April 15

You mentioned social anxiety in your post which often translates into shy/ quiet behavior, which to others, in my experience, can come off as anything ranging from cold, to reserved, to snobby and arrogant. They may be interpreting you this way. But, I don't recommend buying them off with beer or whatever. It seems to me that this rewards their judgmental shunning of you. In situations like this, there is often at least one person who will soften towards you if you find the right opportunity to engage them. I would look out for those situations and otherwise concentrate on my painting- which is waaaayyyy more important than agonizing over this apparently petty group of people. Remember, you are okay with lots of time on your own. You don't have to change yourself to fit in with this stupid group.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 3:53 AM on April 15

Great advice above.

I was just wondering if there was anyone else at the retreat who might be feeling as left out as you do? If you think so, go make friends with them, make them feel welcomed and included.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 6:45 AM on April 15

Also, without going into any details at all, I made it very clear that I was not at all interested in being involved in the purchase or consumption of anything harder than alcohol.

Yes, this might have something to do with that. If I were in a group and someone "made it very clear," I might indeed think they were a bit uptight or rigid or morally superior. Not because they didn't want to partake, mind you, which most people can deal with - but because they felt obligated to make such a point of it. It's hard to do that without seeming judgmental.

There are a lot of people who don't participate in drug consumption, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But you might do better if you mediate your response to it a little. You actually don't have to say anything about it. Just say "no thanks, I'm all set," or whatever. And if people are hanging out and try to include you in passing something around or a community buy, just calmly and comfortably say "I'm gonna opt out, thanks."

Whether or not you believe that using the stuff is a bad idea, what's true for others, when they offer, is that they believe they're including you in a social ritual, they're sharing an experience and they're looking to bond with you. It's quite possible to honor that impulse while rejecting the actual offer of the substance. And if you reject them in strong terms, they'll often see that as rejecting them and their offer of fellowship rather than rejecting a substance you don't want to use. A quiet and calm "I don't/can't/have bad reactions/it messes up my work/ but, thanks" will take care of a lot of that. Unless these folks are advanced addicts with a heavily involved drug culture, no one is going to question or second-guess your choice. You might not become best buds if this is a big part of their lives, but you will come across a nice guy who just doesn't indulge for whatever reason, instead of (possibly) coming across as tightly wound and disdainful.

It may be too late to backtrack with this group, if they've got you labelled as the judgmental straightedge, but it's good feedback for another time.
posted by Miko at 8:58 AM on April 15

Thanks Miko (and others), I think you may well be right. FWIW my "hell, no" reaction (if that is what it was, I honestly don't really remember) was 100% because we are in a Third World country right now which none of us are particularly familiar with. Discussion turned to a cross-border buying trip. I was most definitely not interested and although I did not try to talk them out of it or lecture or anything like that, I was probably very much coming across as "I don't even want to hear about this".

Honestly, risking a trafficking charge and years in jail is not on my agenda right now, or ever. I bet you've nailed it, I bet I came across as seriously uptight and disapproving. I don't know what else to say about that except that if not wanting to know anything about the above scenario makes me uptight then hell yeah, I'm uptight.

Sorry for being obtuse, I am reluctant to write too much about it given the situation.

Again, thanks to everyone for all this perspective. This has been an immense help to me and will hopefully be of use to others in strange group situations who come across the thread in future. Each and every one of these comments has given me something to work with.
posted by ask me please at 9:39 AM on April 15

we are in a Third World country right now which none of us are particularly familiar with. Discussion turned to a cross-border buying trip

Oh good lord! Good on you for not participating in that idiocy. For what it's worth, I had a similar situation arise once on a camping trip. My opinion on the dangers of drunk boating did not go over well, and I was actively and aggressively shunned for the duration of the trip and several months afterward. Eventually, everyone got over it. Just remember that this isn't your problem - whatever bizarre mix of adolescent risk taking and peer pressure that has manifested says far more about your retreat-mates than it does about your social skills.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:00 AM on April 15