Hurt over no wedding invitiation.
May 21, 2007 7:04 PM Subscribe
I wasn't invited to my great niece's wedding and 'am quite stung by this oversight. I didn't know her very well but I still am her grandfather's sister. I bet the grandmother's sister is going!! Should I just ignore it or, in my next conversation with my brother, bring up the wedding and ask (innocently) how it went? These people are loaded so its not like they couldn't afford to ask extended family. Thanks.
They may be on a budget or have space restrictions, perhaps inviting everyone on the family tree beyond granparents leads to more than they can accommodate?
posted by tomble at 7:27 PM on May 21, 2007
posted by tomble at 7:27 PM on May 21, 2007
I know this is different between different cultures, but it would not occur to me to invite a great aunt if we were not close and I knew little of her. This isn't me trying to be rude, but simply a product of an extended family that is not very tight--if said hypothetical great aunt was getting married, I would not expect to be invited to her wedding, either. It's possible your grand niece views family this way. You may be a distant enough relation that you don't fall in her "family" sphere.
Also, seconding Loto. It's possible she wants a smaller wedding. If you were close to her it would be one thing, but you're not at all. There is no need to be dramatic or petty about this.
posted by Anonymous at 7:28 PM on May 21, 2007
Also, seconding Loto. It's possible she wants a smaller wedding. If you were close to her it would be one thing, but you're not at all. There is no need to be dramatic or petty about this.
posted by Anonymous at 7:28 PM on May 21, 2007
Why would you want to go the the wedding of someone you 'don't know very well' anyway? Being wealthy doesn't oblige people to have a huge guest list, or to invite every relative they can think of.
posted by frobozz at 7:28 PM on May 21, 2007
posted by frobozz at 7:28 PM on May 21, 2007
Don't worry, be happy. Maybe they think that inviting people they don't usually spend time with is crass commercial consumerism. Maybe they want to be married at a specific spot, which can only hold x number of people but is otherwise very special to them. Maybe your invite was lost in the mail, or maybe they're trying to do all of the planning by themselves and have gone completely batty.
(Do ask how the wedding went, but don't snark when you do it. If anyone has a guilty conscience it doesn't need you helping it along--and adding to your own as a result.)
posted by anaelith at 7:30 PM on May 21, 2007
(Do ask how the wedding went, but don't snark when you do it. If anyone has a guilty conscience it doesn't need you helping it along--and adding to your own as a result.)
posted by anaelith at 7:30 PM on May 21, 2007
If you don't know her well, then why do you expect to be invited to her wedding? Just because her parents are loaded doesn't necessarily mean she & her fiance are taking their money. Furthermore, they may only want to invite people close to them to the wedding to keep it small.
You sound like one of those people who believes that weddings are about "the family" and not about the bride & groom. The sooner people get over that bullshit, the sooner brides & grooms can have meaningful weddings that don't cost more than a frigging house down payment.
Weddings seem to bring out the sense of entitlement in everyone. It is not about you!!!
Furthermore, when I got married, I set a limit on what family members were invited. We only invited immediate family, grandparents, godparents, aunts/uncles (not great-aunts/uncles) and first cousins. You have to draw the line somewhere. Some people don't feel the need to invite 300 people they barely know to their wedding.
posted by tastybrains at 7:36 PM on May 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
You sound like one of those people who believes that weddings are about "the family" and not about the bride & groom. The sooner people get over that bullshit, the sooner brides & grooms can have meaningful weddings that don't cost more than a frigging house down payment.
Weddings seem to bring out the sense of entitlement in everyone. It is not about you!!!
Furthermore, when I got married, I set a limit on what family members were invited. We only invited immediate family, grandparents, godparents, aunts/uncles (not great-aunts/uncles) and first cousins. You have to draw the line somewhere. Some people don't feel the need to invite 300 people they barely know to their wedding.
posted by tastybrains at 7:36 PM on May 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
I'd be grateful, personally. Nobody has an obligation to invite anyone else to a celebration, particularly if they're not close. Why should she invite you?
Also, is there the possibility that you are well known within your family for taking slights "OMG seated at the wrong table-didn't get a thank-you letter" sort-of-great-aunt?
You know the generous thing to do would be to write her a letter, congratulating her on her big event and sending your best wishes and maybe even a tasteful little gift. And of course, you know she'll feel guilty when she gets it, so you kill two birds with one stone.
And then you can follow up a bit later with a letter to check that she got your gift, because as you didn't hear from her, you feared that it had been lost in the mail.
posted by b33j at 7:41 PM on May 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
Also, is there the possibility that you are well known within your family for taking slights "OMG seated at the wrong table-didn't get a thank-you letter" sort-of-great-aunt?
You know the generous thing to do would be to write her a letter, congratulating her on her big event and sending your best wishes and maybe even a tasteful little gift. And of course, you know she'll feel guilty when she gets it, so you kill two birds with one stone.
And then you can follow up a bit later with a letter to check that she got your gift, because as you didn't hear from her, you feared that it had been lost in the mail.
posted by b33j at 7:41 PM on May 21, 2007 [2 favorites]
Maybe they think that inviting people they don't usually spend time with is crass commercial consumerism.
This is why I didn't invite distant relatives I never talk to. A lot of people do view wedding invites as fishing for gifts, so you can never make everyone happy. Either they're pissed they weren't invited, or they're pissed that they were invited and feel obligated to send a present.
posted by tastybrains at 7:59 PM on May 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
This is why I didn't invite distant relatives I never talk to. A lot of people do view wedding invites as fishing for gifts, so you can never make everyone happy. Either they're pissed they weren't invited, or they're pissed that they were invited and feel obligated to send a present.
posted by tastybrains at 7:59 PM on May 21, 2007 [3 favorites]
They may have been trying to save you the expense of travel etc. Some people get upset when they are invited to the weddings of people they don't know well -- they think the bride and groom are "fishing for presents".
Seriously, lots of considerations go into deciding who to invite, and there's no reason to let your feelings be hurt over this. Maybe it's a small event, maybe it's far away and they didn't want you to have to decide whether to make the expensive trip, etc. Who knows.
I think b33j has a nice suggestion; send a nice letter with good wishes and a small gift (book of love poems?). Then you're the "bigger person" and you promote closer ties with that side of the family.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:04 PM on May 21, 2007
Seriously, lots of considerations go into deciding who to invite, and there's no reason to let your feelings be hurt over this. Maybe it's a small event, maybe it's far away and they didn't want you to have to decide whether to make the expensive trip, etc. Who knows.
I think b33j has a nice suggestion; send a nice letter with good wishes and a small gift (book of love poems?). Then you're the "bigger person" and you promote closer ties with that side of the family.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:04 PM on May 21, 2007
I'd call the bride (groom?) before the wedding to congratulate.
you might just get a 'oh, dear auntie, you are planning to attend, o dear, you never got the invitation?'
posted by Izzmeister at 8:18 PM on May 21, 2007
you might just get a 'oh, dear auntie, you are planning to attend, o dear, you never got the invitation?'
posted by Izzmeister at 8:18 PM on May 21, 2007
They're under no obligation to invite someone they don't know very well. They're under no obligation to invite someone they do know very well, for that matter, but especially so for someone they don't know very well, just because they happen to share, let's face it, a pretty tiny chunk of DNA with.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 8:21 PM on May 21, 2007
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 8:21 PM on May 21, 2007
I'm getting married in October and right now we're working on the guest list. We're definitely not "loaded", but the size of the wedding is in large part going to be limited by the venue and community (both fairly small).
Right now we're trying to trim down the guest list and while there isn't anyone in particular I don't want coming, there are certain family and friends I do want there. This means there are necessarily going to be some people who are not invited. That's just the reality of it.
You shouldn't take it personally. If you don't really know the couple then it would probably be pretty difficult to take it personally anyway. Please don't try to get yourself invited just because the grandmother's sister might be there.
posted by ODiV at 9:21 PM on May 21, 2007
Right now we're trying to trim down the guest list and while there isn't anyone in particular I don't want coming, there are certain family and friends I do want there. This means there are necessarily going to be some people who are not invited. That's just the reality of it.
You shouldn't take it personally. If you don't really know the couple then it would probably be pretty difficult to take it personally anyway. Please don't try to get yourself invited just because the grandmother's sister might be there.
posted by ODiV at 9:21 PM on May 21, 2007
I invited distant relatives - those I hadn't seen or talked to since I was five - to my wedding, but with the (psychic?) understanding that they would neither attend nor send gifts. I saw it as more of an announcement of my marriage to those who would want to know. I got a few cards and one or two cash gifts, and was very grateful for both.
Now, do you know for a fact that you are not invited? Or just that you didn't get an invitation? If you haven't been told straight out that you haven't been invited, you could mention to your brother that you haven't yet received your invitation.
posted by rhapsodie at 9:39 PM on May 21, 2007
Now, do you know for a fact that you are not invited? Or just that you didn't get an invitation? If you haven't been told straight out that you haven't been invited, you could mention to your brother that you haven't yet received your invitation.
posted by rhapsodie at 9:39 PM on May 21, 2007
Perhaps she only invited relatives she knew well, in which case how closely you're related isn't really important. (So if the grandmother's sister is indeed going, or the grandmother's sister's husband's brother, you should not take that as proof that you should have been invited as well because you're within the specified radius on the family tree.)
Perhaps even though they are "loaded", they would rather have a smaller wedding than they can afford. Weddings take time, effort, energy, and coordination as well as money, and the more the guest list grows, the more of all of those they take.
Speaking of money, in that other thread someone said they're averaging about $28,000 nowadays. (And since you say they're "loaded", I'll assume you're expecting them to have an even larger, more expensive wedding than average.) That's a lot of money--even if you're well-off--to drop on a one-time event. Maybe they'd rather use it for, say, a car. Or to put their future kids through college (or to go to college themselves). Or for their retirement.
Being (possibly) able to afford it doesn't obligate them to have the kind of ceremony you want them to have.
Of course, you could always just assume that this is a deliberate slight, and nurse that grudge for the next n years.
posted by Many bubbles at 9:48 PM on May 21, 2007
Perhaps even though they are "loaded", they would rather have a smaller wedding than they can afford. Weddings take time, effort, energy, and coordination as well as money, and the more the guest list grows, the more of all of those they take.
Speaking of money, in that other thread someone said they're averaging about $28,000 nowadays. (And since you say they're "loaded", I'll assume you're expecting them to have an even larger, more expensive wedding than average.) That's a lot of money--even if you're well-off--to drop on a one-time event. Maybe they'd rather use it for, say, a car. Or to put their future kids through college (or to go to college themselves). Or for their retirement.
Being (possibly) able to afford it doesn't obligate them to have the kind of ceremony you want them to have.
Of course, you could always just assume that this is a deliberate slight, and nurse that grudge for the next n years.
posted by Many bubbles at 9:48 PM on May 21, 2007
When my husband and I got married, we only invited grandparents, aunts & uncles, siblings and close friends. If I'd had to invite siblings of my grandparents, I would have needed to invite about 20 more people...people I barely knew. I'm sure some of my extended family (including cousins who had invited me to their weddings) felt slighted. But we were trying to save money to buy a home in an expensive market, we didn't want thousands of my relatives (since my husband is from a very small family), and we didn't want to have to pay for a larger venue. We were footing the bill ourselves and we wanted an intimate ceremony & celebration.
posted by acoutu at 10:16 PM on May 21, 2007
posted by acoutu at 10:16 PM on May 21, 2007
Ignore it and be happy for them. The wedding ceremony should be about the two people getting married and not a lavish display of wealth for the extended family to witness. I would imagine that part of the reason why they are "loaded" is that they do not spend their money carelessly.
posted by perpetualstroll at 10:28 PM on May 21, 2007
posted by perpetualstroll at 10:28 PM on May 21, 2007
Ignore it. This is about them, and has nothing to do with you, especially if you're not particularly close. The world is full of reasons to feel unhappiness; this is not one of them.
posted by davejay at 11:48 PM on May 21, 2007
posted by davejay at 11:48 PM on May 21, 2007
When my brother got married he didn't invite me. He only invited the bride. Don't know why, it was his wedding, not mine.
They are incredibly happy now, and I couldn't be happier for them. I'm glad to have her (and their children) as wonderful additions to my family.
Or maybe I should be bitter. What do you think?
posted by Ookseer at 1:14 AM on May 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
They are incredibly happy now, and I couldn't be happier for them. I'm glad to have her (and their children) as wonderful additions to my family.
Or maybe I should be bitter. What do you think?
posted by Ookseer at 1:14 AM on May 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
You know the generous thing to do would be to write her a letter, congratulating her on her big event and sending your best wishes and maybe even a tasteful little gift. And of course, you know she'll feel guilty when she gets it, so you kill two birds with one stone.
And then you can follow up a bit later with a letter to check that she got your gift, because as you didn't hear from her, you feared that it had been lost in the mail.
This must be some definition of 'generous' that I'm not familiar with, because to me it reads like petty and controlling, and precisely the kind of behaviour that will ensure that you *don't* get invited to any celebration that I'm hosting.
What is it you really want here? A closer relationship with your great niece? Then I suggest that you wait until *after* the wedding is over to send them a gift and begin the process of re-introducing?
If it's just an invitation to a celebration that you aren't wanted at -- well, I'd start by making yourself more wanted. And one way of doing that might be to start thinking about your attitude of entitlement.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:50 AM on May 22, 2007 [2 favorites]
And then you can follow up a bit later with a letter to check that she got your gift, because as you didn't hear from her, you feared that it had been lost in the mail.
This must be some definition of 'generous' that I'm not familiar with, because to me it reads like petty and controlling, and precisely the kind of behaviour that will ensure that you *don't* get invited to any celebration that I'm hosting.
What is it you really want here? A closer relationship with your great niece? Then I suggest that you wait until *after* the wedding is over to send them a gift and begin the process of re-introducing?
If it's just an invitation to a celebration that you aren't wanted at -- well, I'd start by making yourself more wanted. And one way of doing that might be to start thinking about your attitude of entitlement.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:50 AM on May 22, 2007 [2 favorites]
You are several radii out from the center of this. tastybrains has it right--it's about them. Any huffiness or snark about not attending is petty.
posted by stevis23 at 6:27 AM on May 22, 2007
posted by stevis23 at 6:27 AM on May 22, 2007
Ignore it. There are a lot of weddings I don't get invited to. I don't take it personally. Plus, half the time I'm sort of grateful that I don't have to travel to the wedding anyway.
I can think of at least three couples that had to sacrifice having friends at their weddings because of entitlement like yours. Two deeply regret it, the third is still in the middle of planning but they are heartbroken.
I would stop judging their wealth and assuming you've been snubbed and just be happy that your great niece is happy.
posted by ml98tu at 6:45 AM on May 22, 2007
I can think of at least three couples that had to sacrifice having friends at their weddings because of entitlement like yours. Two deeply regret it, the third is still in the middle of planning but they are heartbroken.
I would stop judging their wealth and assuming you've been snubbed and just be happy that your great niece is happy.
posted by ml98tu at 6:45 AM on May 22, 2007
We're getting married next June and let me tell you, we already can't win. If it's not the guest list it's squabbling with extended family over who will be the photographer. Give the poor bride a break and just congratulate her already.
posted by bilabial at 9:41 AM on May 22, 2007
posted by bilabial at 9:41 AM on May 22, 2007
My husband and I are introverts. I hate being the center of attention, he hates crowds. When we got married, we only invited people we have actual real relationships with, who we care about and who we know care about us. We wanted to have a wedding that was meaningful and that we could enjoy, instead of a party for our grandparents' siblings. We didn't even invite most of our aunts, uncles or cousins. That would have more than doubled the total crowd, from under 40 to more than 80. Ugh! I think I'd want to cry if more than 80 people were all staring at me and trying to talk to me, especially people I didn't know very well or whose names I didn't know. I'd probably drink too much and forget the whole event to deal, and my husband would probably hide.
Maybe that's what happened here?
posted by croutonsupafreak at 11:00 AM on May 22, 2007
Maybe that's what happened here?
posted by croutonsupafreak at 11:00 AM on May 22, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
Maybe your great niece wanted a small wedding with close friends and family? Respect her wishes and don't be a drama queen about it.
posted by Loto at 7:18 PM on May 21, 2007 [1 favorite]