Small town playground politics

November 16, 2012 8:04 AM

How do I maintain social boundaries in a small community?

I live with my daughter in a small rural community. We were part of a small, close group of kids and moms who were the core of our family social life at a tiny community school before branching out into new small schools in the same system. Of course, relationships change, and I can accept that, but recently, a couple of moms excluded my daughter from a birthday party that every other kid in the group was invited to. The moms/girls in question went to a different community school in the same district this year, but the rest of the core group is in school with my daughter. They are all in elementary school. My daughter heard about the party at the lunch table at school, she was upset and embarrassed. We were both offended, considering the history that we had with these people. The exclusion was unexpected and thoughtless, and without going into gory details, I just want to say that I am not overreacting here. My daughter's relationship with one of the kids has always been a little rocky, but I made sure that that that this girl was included in every single group activity that I initiated. I did this because, hey, these kids are growing up together, will see each other often, and they should all grow up with the idea that everyone is okay and included, or at least learn how to get along with the people in your community. My daughter and I both felt betrayed. I didn't let on to my daughter how badly her exclusion had hurt me as well, and we just talked it out between us on the basis that these things are gonna happen, and it won't be the last time, and chin up and go get 'em and you have plenty of other friends, and let me know if you want to talk about anything. No big.

So, after a lot of reflection, I realized that well, I don't really like these women anyway, I would not be friends with them if our kids were not stuck in the same little school system together, and underneath it all, they obviously don't share my values. I am still angry about it and I feel like I don't know how to handle running into these people in the future. Because I have not expressed to either of them how I feel (and probably won't, I'm not sure that it's a good idea....I did write an email to one of them, then deleted it.) If anyone brings it up to me directly, I will definitely address it in a diplomatic way, but I am certainly not going to initiate a conversation about it. But, I don't know, maybe I should. The "right time" for that may or not ever come.

But here is where I am stuck. So far, I have pointedly ignored them or been cold when I see them. I feel like this is immature and I should be able to handle seeing them on a regular basis with more grace, yet without giving any indication that I am open to friendship. Every bit of me wants to hand them a passive aggressive fuck you every time I see them, but yeah, that's not an awesome long-term plan. I have self-esteem issues, so I struggle constantly with how and when to stand up for myself. I have been talking to my therapist about these moms for a while, regarding other issues related to promoting healthy group dynamics, and have always come to the conclusion that it is better to align with my values of inclusion and community rather than cut off the relationships because of what may be at stake for my daughter. But, the birthday party thing pushed this into totally different territory and I am at a loss. Do you any of you smart guys have any idears? I don't think it's positive for myself or my daughter to go all mom vs. mom, and yes, we have and are making more friends in the school system. I hope that I have been clear here, and also hope that it is clear that I am seeking a compassionate solution. I'm too close to this issue to be able to see it very clearly.

posted by lakersfan1222 to human relations (28 answers total)

My daughter's relationship with one of the kids has always been a little rocky, but I made sure that that that this girl was included in every single group activity that I initiated. I did this because, hey, these kids are growing up together, will see each other often, and they should all grow up with the idea that everyone is okay and included, or at least learn how to get along with the people in your community.

For all you know, the kid specifically asked that your daughter not be invited to the party. And I don't think any mom would invite an unwanted guest to her kid's party in the service of the abstract concept of inclusion.

But here is where I am stuck. So far, I have pointedly ignored them or been cold when I see them. I feel like this is immature and I should be able to handle seeing them on a regular basis with more grace, yet without giving any indication that I am open to friendship. Every bit of me wants to hand them a passive aggressive fuck you every time I see them, but yeah, that's not an awesome long-term plan. I have self-esteem issues, so I struggle constantly with how and when to stand up for myself.

It seems like you KNOW this doesn't have anything at all to do with you, but you FEEL like it does anyway. It's good that you recognize this, but I think you need to remind yourself of it more often. These women did absolutely nothing to you. Maybe they're awful bitches, but in this specific case they didn't do anything horribly bad, as far as I can see. You don't have to like them at all, but your current reaction can only make things worse for both you and your daughter.

Plus, as I'm sure you realize, by being cold to these women, you are not exactly modeling the inclusive behavior that you want your daughter to learn...
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:19 AM on November 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

My daughter's relationship with one of the kids has always been a little rocky, but I made sure that that that this girl was included in every single group activity that I initiated. I did this because, hey, these kids are growing up together, will see each other often, and they should all grow up with the idea that everyone is okay and included, or at least learn how to get along with the people in your community.

Not saying that this is the reason, but I have an interesting perspective on what the other child may have been thinking.

My mother's said a couple times that when she was a girl, there was another girl in her neighborhood with whom she had a similarly rocky relationship - but she was encouraged to invite the other girl to play with her all the time anyway. And she hated it, because "dammit, I know she and I don't get along but everyone is guilting me into playing with her and that just sucks". Now, I'm pretty sure that if my mother had been a little more outspoken, she could have made her feelings a lot more present, and my grandparents would have backed off. But mom was just really very sensitive to what my grandparents were subtly hoping would happen, and she didn't want to disappoint them so she tried to suck it up and deal.

Maybe that's what's been happening with this other girl - that maybe her relationship with your daughter has been more than just a little rocky, but she was trying to make everyone happy by trying to suck it up, but finally she couldn't take it any more. And that's okay too - no matter how inclusive and tolerant everyone should be, and no matter how important it is to be civil and learn to get along with everyone, there are some people that we all just plain don't get along with, and that's still okay - and you should have the right to decide who you want to have a good time with, you know?

...Now, that's your kids. As for you - you're acting cold when you see these women because your child didn't get to go to the birthday party of a kid who she didn't get along with all that great anyway? Really?

Well, at the very least, civilty would be called for here. You don't have to play with them if you don't really get along either, but at least politeness and civility towards them would be best. But I'm sure you know that. However, consider - your daughter's going to be watching how you behave as well. The way you treat these women is going to affect the way she treats the kids she's not friends with. If your daughter sees you being polite and civil towards these other women, that'll also teach your daughter to be polite and civil to the kids she doesn't get along with - more so than forcing her to play with kids she doesn't like will.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:20 AM on November 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

You sound very focused on you and your daughter being a team here. Your daughter is following your lead, and you are teaching her to be hyper-vigilant about social things that, with better self-esteem and a broader social world, just wouldn't matter.

Try not to be all "you and me against the world." Let her invite who she wants to her parties, not who you think it would be socially acceptable or ethical to invite. Let her be a kid who just has fun at a party. She's got a rocky relationship with another kid? Her mom shouldn't make her "play nice" and invite the frenemy. That teaches her not to trust her own judgment.

She's going to have relationship drama. Let it be hers. Take care of yours by building your self-esteem and broadening your social world, independent of your daughter's. And help her develop her self-esteem by teaching her that you value her preferences and she should too, so she can choose her own friends based on how they get along and treat each other. That will serve her much better in the long run than socializing her to include everyone even if she doesn't get along with them.
posted by headnsouth at 8:22 AM on November 16, 2012 [18 favorites]

this question taps into fears i have about being a parent as my kids grow up and I have to re-live school drama through them

My daughter's relationship with one of the kids has always been a little rocky

So she didn't get invited to a party, with kids she may not get on well with. Who's parents you don't like.

I can understand her feeling betrayed, because she a kid and it's very hard to learn about being excluded.
You feel betrayed because you included these girls at your events and that was not reciprocated? If things were rocky and the girls didn't want to include your daughter I don't think the fact that they had been invited to something before matters at all.

I did this because, hey, these kids are growing up together, will see each other often, and they should all grow up with the idea that everyone is okay and included, or at least learn how to get along with the people in your community.

Followed by this...

So far, I have pointedly ignored them or been cold when I see them. I feel like this is immature

You are right to think that. Being catty with these women will do what.. exactly? What do you want for your daughter? What do you want out of this living situation? Out of this community?

You seem to be super cross purposes here. Are you modeling the behavior you want your daughter to have? That when you get excluded you should exclude back and be passive aggressive.

I'm not trying to judge or hate on you about this, it sounds like a rough situation to be in. But is seems that you really need to know what you want out of this situation.
posted by French Fry at 8:23 AM on November 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

I think you need to talk about this with the hostess involved and express your concern in a reasonable way, phrasing it as a question "Ie, may I ask why my daughter was excluded?" rather than an accusation.

You also need to stop making assumptions about cattiness. Here are two unfounded assumptions that you've made so far, without any evidence to justify them (at least, from what I can determine by the information provided in the question).

1) The assumption that your daughter is being excluded because of her rocky relationship with one specific girl. Question: how do you know it's this specific relationship which is the cause when you haven't even asked anybody about this?

2) The assumption that it was the mom's decision to exclude your daughter. What if it was simply the birthday girl who said she didn't want your daughter at her birthday party? I don't know the situation, but I think this sounds more likely because kids can be incredibly cruel, particularly when somebody is not part of the "in-group." It may not be nice, but do you think it's fair to expect the mom to overrule her daughter's wishes on her own birthday?
posted by wolfdreams01 at 8:24 AM on November 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm not a mom so there's a level to this question that's beyond me, but to get the obvious out of the way, have you thought about sharing with them matter of factly, or even conspiratorially, that "Sally was really sad not to be invited to Bethanie's party" to see what they say? You could even expand from there, if it feels appropriate, to say "i know the two girls don't always play well together, but I have been hoping they can learn to get along, since they'll be growing up together as one another's close neighbors." Depending on their demeanor, you could either say that as if your hope is still fervent, or as if you realize it's a lost cause.

Try to avoid taking this personally. Compounding the girls' relationship issues, there may have been space or cost limitations.
posted by salvia at 8:29 AM on November 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

[Folks, constructive answers please?]
posted by jessamyn at 8:41 AM on November 16, 2012

As someone who's struggled a little to adjust to rural life, I hear you, and yes, inclusiveness is very important. I don't know what happened here, and excluding a kid from a party isn't the same thing as not having a playdate with a kid your kid doesn't like, but it behooves you to just kill these ladies with kindness.

You will never (NEVER) stop running into them unless you move away, and it will hurt you much more than it does if you continue to behave/think about this in a way that makes you feel small or mean. It's also great modeling for your daughter.
posted by supercoollady at 8:41 AM on November 16, 2012 [8 favorites]

At some point, friendships stop being about who the parents like, invite everyone, that kind of thing and they and start being about who the kids like. This varies by the community and group, and it looks like you had a weird disconnect.

Let me preface this by saying that I totally get the mama bear feeling of GRAR YOU ASSHOLES HOW DARE YOU REJECT MY KID and I totally understand why you were less than thrilled that this happened. That said, I think you might want to reframe some of it in your head.

I mean, maybe the mom knows your kids don't get along and thought she was doing you a favor because you would have attended to be polite/inclusive, and then invited her daughter to something the next time, and it's just pointless for both of you. Maybe the limit to the party was 20 kids or they would have to pay extra.

You can take this opportunity to teach your kid that IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE INVITED. It does not mean anything about her as a person. People can not like you or not invite you and it doesn't mean jack shit if you're secure in yourself as a person.

I don't know. I used to have this kind of neurotic desire to have people like me even if I didn't like them, like OH MY GOD I NEED ALL THE FRIENDS!!! They're not pokemon. If two people don't get along, hey, that's great, you don't hang out, problem solved. Needing everyone to like you or else you're miserable is a great recipe for being miserable.

You don't have to demonize the other people, either. That's something else it took me a while to learn. No one has to be the bad guy. They don't have to be bad exclusionary assholes who have no values, and likewise, you (or your daughter) doesn't have to be a loser who no one likes. Sometimes two otherwise good people clash. That is life. That will be life for your daughter's entire life. That's a good lesson to learn. People don't get along and that is okay.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:45 AM on November 16, 2012 [14 favorites]

It's not clear to me from my reading of the question that the birthday girl (or girls, actually, right? was it a joint birthday party for two friends?) for this party is the same person as the "rocky relationship" girl -- rather, the latter seemed to have been included as an illustration of the way the questioner and her daughter have handled the issue from their end in the past.
posted by redfoxtail at 8:46 AM on November 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

But in any case, it does seem to me that--especially given the circumstances--the happiest and healthiest attitude to have, and one that would be a great gift to your daughter if she can have it, is to believe that it is (as the young rope-rider says) okay not to be invited and that you can, in fact, really truly like someone a lot (even if that's not what's happening here) and still not invite them to a given event.
posted by redfoxtail at 8:48 AM on November 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

You're setting a bad example for your daughter by letting yourself be so affected by this. Do you want her to go through life being devastated every time somebody doesn't like her or doesn't include her in an outing, activity, or event? Show her how to bounce back gracefully and graciously instead so she has a healthy attitude about her self-worth and social interactions. Do not allow yourself to project the self-esteem issues you have onto your daughter. Make that a priority in your sessions with your therapist right now because it will break your heart even more when your daughter grows up and finds herself unable to cope with real life because of incidents like this in her youth that were blown out of proportion. Let this go and show her how to do the same.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:17 AM on November 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think it's fine to treat people like coworkers - that is to say, be polite, greet them when you see them, make small talk when called for, don't feel like you have to blab about your personal life or your feelings too much, get along better with some people than you do with others, and don't feel like you have to get together outside of "work." I know this is "social life" and not "business," but my advice: Be professional!

You don't have to be friends with all the other parents. Your kid doesn't have to be friends with all the other kids. But I think it's okay to play nice (and, sometimes, dumb) when you do interact.
posted by Occula at 9:17 AM on November 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

I have no idea if this will be of any help to you, but let me describe my experience. I've been living in an isolated rural community for the past three years and I've noticed a shift in my attitude towards people. It's such an isolating experience to be surrounded by people who don't share your values, who have such a dramatically different worldview. I've begun to see people (who I genuinely like and respect...but don't connect with) with almost hostility. This has built up over time. Things that wouldn't have bothered me much at all when I first moved here, now can make me want to shout "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!!" and go into some sort of ape-like rampage.

Staying to connected to my good friends (out of the area) is the only way to soothe this crazy part of me. It helps me stay sane and not resent the people around me for not providing me with the relationships I need. Also, sometimes I'll find myself bitching to friends about someone/some event and when I hear myself I finally realize what an asshole I'm being. I gross myself out. I can hear how crazy and unfair I'm being and I can see how many pointless negative vibes I'm holding on to.

I'm going to move within the next year. I don't know if that's an option for you, but it's worth considering. I'm still a little bummed that my parents raised me in a rural community because I had to wait until college to find people I connected with (not to mention a sub par education). Good luck.
posted by hannahelastic at 9:55 AM on November 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

I've found the book Growing Up with a Bucket Full of Happiness to be helpful in discussing feelings about social inclusion/exclusion with my elementary school-aged daughter. And applicable to my own "mom" relationships as well!
posted by poodelina at 9:59 AM on November 16, 2012

Child A didn't invite Child B to a birthday party, so Child B's Mother is upset with all mothers of children invited to said party and wants them to go F themselves. Sorry, but that sounds like a bit much.
Kids learn by example, and if you keep reacting to things this way, your child will too.
Learn to better express your feelings. I know it's hard and often in a small town, people are outwardly friendly, but keep lots of things bottled up. Try to break that cycle! You were upset that your daughter was excluded, that's fine. You have every right to be. However, passive aggressively taking it out on all the of the community is no way to go. It just perpetuates the small town, we-got-so-much-bottled-up-that-we-half-hate-each-other-but-are-always-with-each-other cycle. Best thing you can do for your daughter is to rise above all that crap. Acknowledge what's bothering you instead of bottling it up. Next time you see Child A's Mother, just ask, "I heard Child A had a birthday party, how did that go?" And do it with a smile. (yes, it's still passive aggressive but better than not acknowledging it at all) Then move on.

Good luck!
posted by Neekee at 10:12 AM on November 16, 2012

So far, I have pointedly ignored them or been cold when I see them
Every bit of me wants to hand them a passive aggressive fuck you

You already are being passive-aggressive...I think this is a bigger issue for you than it is for your daughter. I am sorry this happened, I hope you keep working with your therapist on it. Elementary school never seems to go away, does it?
posted by Pocahontas at 10:13 AM on November 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

It sounds to me like you are so upset because it touches on much, much bigger questions for you which you don't want to examine.

You don't even like these people, yet their "approval" (or something) matters a heckuva lot. And you are in therapy, though you don't really indicate why. It also sounds like you are a single parent. Your framing of the question implies that a small town isn't really your preference, or at least this small town isn't.

You seem to be projecting a lot of unhappiness onto these people, unhappiness which is probably rooted in choosing someplace cheap to raise a child alone or something like that. I suspect you don't like where you live, you don't like your job and you don't really like your life. And it is easier to project meanness onto these people than to make big life changes.

If it were me, I would examine it from that angle. When someone has an outsized reaction to something, it is usually not the real problem but somehow hits a nerve that connects to the real problem. I would try to figure out why I am being so very cranky about perceived rejection from people I don't even like and try to solve that problem instead (like move if the small town is so undesirable).
posted by Michele in California at 10:46 AM on November 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

This is a really great opportunity to teach your daughter that sometimes people are petty and you don't NEED to be friends with them. You can be polite, they can be polite, but you don't have to be around people you don't like/don't like you.

Honestly, if my mom had taught me that sooner, I'd've had a much happier adolescence, because I wouldn't've have tried so hard to be nice to everyone, even people I didn't especially like. I'd also have learned more about maintaining my own social boundaries, because saying "no" or "I don't want to" or "you're not welcome in my space" wouldn't have seemed like such a big frikkin' deal, where I was somehow the mean person for looking out for my own emotional health and happiness.
posted by spunweb at 11:07 AM on November 16, 2012

> So, after a lot of reflection, I realized that well, I don't really like these women anyway, I would not be friends with them if our kids were not stuck in the same little school system together

That's actually a good reason to be friends, or at least friendly acquaintances, with them. I have friends who are different from me in terms of politics, religion, what have you, which can feel a bit alienating, but on the other hand it means I have people who I can talk with at school meetings, or ask what the hell this weird item on the school lunch menu is, or who I can list as emergency contacts on the school forms, or I can gossip about the teachers with.

As my mom pointed out when I was new to the world of parenting and friendships, they don't have to be your friends forever; they can be your friends for now.

I'm sorry your daughter wasn't invited. One of my kids gets invited to maybe one party a year, so I know how upsetting this can be -- I think it's harder for the parents than the kids. But you don't know why she wasn't invited, and you should try not to dwell on it. It'll happen again, and your daughter will probably exclude someone at some point without realizing it or maybe even while realizing it, and that won't be the end of the world.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:38 AM on November 16, 2012

Re-thinking part of my advice here. While my mother would not allow me to exclude neighborhood kids from my birthday parties, some other parents were fine with not inviting even next door neighbors. So don't take it too personally.

Just teach your daughter that you don't have to be BFFs with everyone to have a good relationship with them. You can both be nice to each other without getting involved. There's a difference between friends and colleagues, but you have to be polite to both of them.
posted by Neekee at 11:42 AM on November 16, 2012

I think inclusiveness is rather silly as kids get older.

It's unrealistic to expect that just because you go to the same building every day that all the people in it should get along.

I think now is a good time to teach your daughter how to deal with feelings about being left out. It happens in life.

Sometimes there's a good reason, sometime's there's not. But, you can feel awesome about yourself even if other kids don't like you.

That's WAY more important that keeping score of who invited whom to what party when.

How awesome would it have been if your daughter felt confident enough to say, "Oh geez, I didn't get invited to that. Oh well, I guess I'll go to the movies or something," and then kept on eating her macaroni?

I think it's important to teach your daughter that sometimes you get left out and sometimes you get to choose your guest list to plese yourself.

Also, you don't have to like everyone or get along with everyone, and vice versa. You still have to be pleasant and civil when you run into them in public.

Model this for your daughter.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:02 PM on November 16, 2012

I think it is good that you reminded yourself that you actually don't like these women that much and that your child doesn't get along well with the child. It's important to remind yourself that not everyone has to be best friends. Just because you weren't invited to this party doesn't mean that someone hates you, or that they don't want to be friends. There are different levels of friendship and some of them are one sided. That's ok. I don't have to be invited to every occasion to remain friends.
posted by Gor-ella at 12:08 PM on November 16, 2012

I think this is where you have to call up Mrs. Partyhost and play the "hey, we're just two parents here, kids are a handful, amiright?" game. Don't look at the non-invite as a snubbing, but rather have a meta-discussion with the mom. Completely sincere and non-accusatory. Something like: "Hey, I'm Suzy's mom, and she just came home from school crying about not being invited to a party. She doesn't know why, and before I talk to her about it, I want to understand what is going on. I'm not saying you have to invite my kid to your party if you don't want to. I just want to make sure there isn't something I need to be aware of."
posted by gjc at 2:54 PM on November 16, 2012

When I was in grade 2 there was this girl, for whatever reason, I hated. When it was my birthday my Mom insisted I invite EVERYONE (well, all the girls) including this girl. So I passed out invites at school and conveniently forgot to give that girl hers. When she never RVSP'd it was like, oh, guess she doesn't want to come!

I vaguely remember my Mom figuring something out and trying to have a talk with me. I went all slack jawed and faked having no idea what was going on until she gave up.

So, maybe it's not the parents here.

Also, once I was uninvited to a trick-or-treating event on the night of, and my Mom phoned the friend's Mom and I was re-invited. I actually do remember having fun running around giggling, but that group of children were not my friends and I'm not sure our parents forcing them to be nice to me was a good idea in the long run. It was a lot healthier to eventually find people who actually liked me.
posted by Dynex at 3:08 PM on November 16, 2012

Hi. "I've been living in an isolated rural community for the past three five years and I've noticed a shift in my attitude towards people. It's such an isolating life-enhancing experience to be surrounded by people who don't share your values, who have such a dramatically different worldview. I've begun to see people (who I genuinely like and respect...but don't connect with and value as members of my community) with almost hostility as always somebody's child or parent, like the whole world is one big family." Small-town life is not for everybody but it can be very pleasant indeed. If it doesn't suit, is it not possible to leave...?

But, the part of your post that first stuck out to me was

I would not be friends with them if our kids were not stuck in the same little school system together

Okay, great. You are not friends with them; that is not how friendship works. I have to think you would be less strung out about this if it was in the proper context: they're basically co-workers.

You do not need to be rude to these people to make it clear that you do not wish to be their friend; it sounds really, really unlikely that they are not already aware of that anyway. But it wasn't necessary. There are nearly no situations in which a "cut direct" (see also) is useful or appropriate, and I can't imagine how "pointedly ignoring" people over a kiddie party might have gone down in a small community. I think at this point the correct way to look at it is that the party was the party and the girls' issue, and that you are the one who has deliberately caused offence and the one who must now seek to remedy that. You have been rude to parents who had nothing to do with hosting the party! Bizarre.

(Totally disagree that you want to ask the host about the reason for the exclusion. It will only serve to make people uncomfortable; it won't make the party re-happen with your daughter not not invited. There's nothing to be gained there.)
posted by kmennie at 3:52 PM on November 16, 2012

So far, I have pointedly ignored them or been cold when I see them. I feel like this is immature and I should be able to handle seeing them on a regular basis with more grace, yet without giving any indication that I am open to friendship. Every bit of me wants to hand them a passive aggressive fuck you every time I see them, but yeah, that's not an awesome long-term plan. I have self-esteem issues, so I struggle constantly with how and when to stand up for myself.

I don't think you have to "stand up for yourself" or your daughter. You have a history with these people, but how close have you been lately? It doesn't sound like you're particularly close with these moms. If you were, you couldn't ignore and be cold without one of them asking you what's up.

I think it's more about you. You feel excluded. I have been in very similar situations. I have two school-aged kids. I have been a part of mom groups since my kids were babies. It can be like high-school over again. It can be a popularity contest. I have been "excluded" too.

If you want to be give them a "fuck you" why not pretend like you could give a shit less? Oh, there was a party?! Well happy birthday to those kids! Time flies! You're happy, you're friendly, you have a life. You're not going to be cold over some kid's birthday party. Big whoop.
posted by Fairchild at 5:21 PM on November 16, 2012

So when I was a kid, a group of my friends and I did this to another kid. We were a group of four girls who did everything together. Our moms' signed us up for the same after school activities, we played on the same youth soccer team, car pooled to school. All that. This probably started in 1st grade and continue through 4th or 5th grade. One of the girls, "Cindy", did something to really piss the other three of us off. We made this huge deal about not inviting Cindy to our Halloween party. A Halloween party we pretty much We worked pretty hard to make her feel like shit. Talked the whole thing up at lunch and at our after school program. Apparently she went home and cried for the entire night about it. Cindy's mom called my mom.

Holy crap when my mom found out about what lengths we went to hurt Cindy she was pissed. I remember how dissapointed she was in me. It's one of those childhood memories that is still kind of embarassing when I think about how badly I behaved.

So kids do shitty things to eachother sometimes. Moms too. The best thing you can do for you daughter is to teach her how to role with the punches. So you've got to just over this. You're just going to have to suck it up and put on a brave face. I think you know this and it's what you're trying to do. Keep trying. Eventually the burn will wear off.

I feel for you. I feel for your kid. But you gotta suck it up Mama...it's part of your job.

Good luck!!
posted by pupus at 8:51 PM on November 16, 2012