It keeps going and going and going . . .

September 29, 2006 9:52 AM

I can orgasm, but when my boyfriend's there it takes an hour and a half. What gives? Obviously not safe for work.

I am in my first sexual relationship. It has been going well, except on the orgasm front. It takes me a very, very long time to reach climax. It hasn't happened with sex (we've tried different positions), and with oral sex and a vibrator it usually takes on the order of forty-five minutes (if we're lucky) to an hour-and-a-half. It's fun and all, but it can feel inconvenient, frustrating, and let's be serious here, performing oral sex for an hour straight has got to be tiring. No, he doesn't complain--he's a trooper, his technique is good, he's responsive to recommendations and sticks through with enthusiasm to the very end--but I would feel a lot better if it didn't take so damn long to happen.

The messy details: Previous to this relationship I masturbated solely by face-down grinding. There was a two-month period at the beginning of this relationship when, with the assistance of a vibrator, I had to train myself to be able to get off lying on my back. Now I can use a vibrator to get myself off while in a not-face-down position, but it takes so damn long. It's faster when I'm alone (ten to thirty minutes, any longer and I usually give up), but when the boyfriend is with me it turns into a marathon. We've tried just the vibrator, vibrator and oral sex, just oral sex, the length of time is always the same. He always wants to try again when we're fooling around, but there are times I just want to stop after he's come because I don't want to deal with the frustration of wasting an hour-and-a-half on one stupid orgasm.

Do you think this is a relaxation issue? Do you have any recommendations on how to move things a long? Yes, we do foreplay, so I don't believe it's a matter of not getting warmed up enough.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Have you tried doing kegel exercises? I believe that strengthening your kegel muscles can make it easier to come.
posted by alms at 10:02 AM on September 29, 2006

It may be a mental thing, what is different in the way you think when you masturbate vs having sex with someone else? Can you masturbate solo while he is in the room and achieve your goal in the shorter time frame? Have you tried positions that mimic the face down grinding while having sex with your bf?

I understand why this is an anonymous question, but it does make getting other details hard
posted by edgeways at 10:02 AM on September 29, 2006

"Do you think this is a relaxation issue?"

Yes, I think that's a factor, but there's more to it than that.

"I don't want to deal with the frustration of wasting an hour-and-a-half on one stupid orgasm."

How about instead of being frustrated, enjoying an hour and a half of sex? That doesn't mean every time you're together needs to be an extended one (though, honestly, an hour and a half is not at all a long time to spend on sex!) but instead of looking at it as an obstacle, look at it as something enjoyable to do together.

Orgasms are nice, but when you focus on them as a goal, you're missing the point of sex.
posted by majick at 10:05 AM on September 29, 2006

There's no subtle way to put this I guess, but can he lie on his back and you grind against his mouth? That way you can do the face-down grinding thing and he can do the oral sex thing at the same time.
posted by callmejay at 10:08 AM on September 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

(You should also be able to grind on his dick. You just have to take 100% control during sex when you want to come.)
posted by callmejay at 10:08 AM on September 29, 2006

What's the big rush? An hour and a half long session sounds like fun. Try not thinking of sex as simply a means to an end.
posted by dead_ at 10:13 AM on September 29, 2006

majick has it. I would love some hour and a half sex. People don't really get those opportunities. See the plusses in your minuses. The rest will follow automatically.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:18 AM on September 29, 2006

I think also, it gets better. It can take a long time when you're putting pressure on yourself to just come already. As time goes by and you have more sex, you'll train yourself, and become more comfortable.

Also, fantasizing helps.
posted by mckenney at 10:18 AM on September 29, 2006

Look up the "coital alignment position". I recommend it every time there is a thread like this, because it really is awesome.
posted by teleskiving at 10:24 AM on September 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

Orgasms are nice, but when you focus on them as a goal, you're missing the point of sex.

100%.

Sex, is, well, supposed to be *sexy* ... not an athletic event, not a marathon, not a clinical study. There are lots of women that would *kill* for an hour and a half of sexual attention from their significant other. Sit back and enjoy it. Who cares who comes?
posted by SpecialK at 10:27 AM on September 29, 2006

I'd like to amend my statement: It's a nice thing to focus on orgasm as a goal once in a while. But it's unpleasant and definitely missing the point to do so to the degree that you appear to do.

When you're consistently spending so much of your attention trying to "get there," you're missing out on all the interesting stuff happening on the way.
posted by majick at 10:35 AM on September 29, 2006

I wouldn't be to concerned about putting your boyfriend out for 45 minutes. We guys pretty much spend every waking hour trying to figure out how we can spend more time like that. From experience I think once you both learn what works that time will come down precipitously and your boyfriend will long for the old days when it was more of a challenge.
posted by any major dude at 10:42 AM on September 29, 2006

Try watching some porn or reading erotica -- together or try it alone first. If you're head is ready, your body may follow more quickly. A lot of getting to an orgasm happens in your head IMHO.
posted by bim at 10:44 AM on September 29, 2006

Also, let your boyfriend (or girlfriend) work on you for a while and then finish things yourself -- while he watches or he or continues to kiss you or whatever.

Let's not discount the value of reaching orgasm and settle for "the process" alone.
posted by bim at 10:52 AM on September 29, 2006

Have him sit up with his back a little ways from the headboard, legs straight out. Sit on his lap and try either legs wrapped around hip or on your knees. Should allow you to grind and control speed, depth, etc. and he is free to help with hands on other parts. (If it is too hard to balance, he can sit at the end of the bed and drape his calves over the edge for support).
posted by JeremiahBritt at 10:55 AM on September 29, 2006

Oh gosh, anonymous answers any time soon?

In my first sexual relationship, it took me a loooong time to have a not-masturbatory orgasm. Even after the first one, I couldn't do it more than once or twice a week. I agree with everyone else here 100% - the more I focused on "come come come," the less likely it was to happen.

"He always wants to try again when we're fooling around, but there are times I just want to stop after he's come because I don't want to deal with the frustration of wasting an hour-and-a-half on one stupid orgasm."

Then don't. If you don't feel into it, then don't go for it. Your partner may be a little confused or upset the first time you say "Let's just cuddle up a while", but the "mutual orgasm" shouldn't be the focus of the evening.

Ok, that's all I will say here. Believe me, you're not alone. If you want more specifics, email address is in my profile.
posted by muddgirl at 11:22 AM on September 29, 2006

i imagine you have tried many possible scenarios, but you don't mention if you've tried pentrative sex + vibrator/clitoral stimulation. best of both worlds IMO, and works well in face-down positions.
posted by gnutron at 11:38 AM on September 29, 2006

It very well could be a relaxation issue. It sounds like it to me. I can bet with more practice, it won't take that long. Sometimes it takes a while to adjust. It took you some getting used to grinding prone to face-up masturbation. With more time, you will probably be able to orgasm quicker and quicker face up on your own, and that will build your confidence that you can come quicker with your partner. I have been there--when you have masturbated one way all your life, you think you can't do it another way, but you can. Also, I find that the vibrator can sometimes take longer than manually doing things on my own. Vibrators are great, but sometimes they can numb and overstimulate if you aren't careful.

I agree with the previous posters that have suggested mastrubating after he climaxes. And don't worry about orgasming at every session. Sometimes quickies are necessary and fun. Soon you will be able to orgasm every time. Good luck.
posted by LoriFLA at 11:44 AM on September 29, 2006

To give a male perspective on this, I had similar issues in my first relationship after a long time single. Sometimes I came way too fast, sometimes not at all, sometimes there were erection difficulties-- the idea that things weren't as they "should be" created a lot of anxiety for me. Although I always made sure my GF orgasmed either orally or manually, the fact that sometimes there wasn't penetration or I couldn't finish that way was an issue for her, and increased the pressure I felt to perform.

How did I get past it? I just decided one day that I didn't care. Sex is fun with or without an orgasm, no matter how long it lasts. I'm not stingy with foreplay, so if she's so focused on sex = penetration that she can't enjoy the rest of it that's her problem not mine. Might sound a little callous, but I never had another problem with premature/delayed orgasm or ED after that day.
posted by InfidelZombie at 12:18 PM on September 29, 2006

I think you mean he's a trouper, not a trooper. Though he could be one of those as well.
posted by UESMark at 12:19 PM on September 29, 2006

I understand your frustration with taking so long to have an orgasm, and so am going to go against the grain of those answers that say simply "hey, enjoy the marathon sex!" Sometimes nice, long marathon sessions are fantastic. But sometimes it's also just as nice to have a little 20-minute roll in the hay. Neither option is inherently superior to the other all the time.

So I think there are two aspects to the solution here. The first is to become more comfortable with lovemaking sessions (whether long or short sessions) without getting frustrated by the status of your orgasm. The second is to experiment with new ways or techniques that might actually help you reach orgasm faster when you do get in the zone.

For the first, I'd suggest having sex for awhile with a total "orgasm-free" mindset. That is, you and your partner explicitly agree that you're going to have sex without you having an orgasm, and that that's genuinely fine. I think you can really only take all the pressure off by removing it completely as both an expectation or a goal for the time being. Allow your lovemaking to be solely about pleasure, fun, and intimacy -- none of which require you to have an orgasm.

At the same time, I also think it's fine to experiment with other things that may, indeed, rev things up for you (again, though, let it be about pleasure in general, not about orgasms specifically). Maybe g-spot stimulation is really your thing (I can't tell from your discussion of vibrators if you've tried this or not). Maybe some strategically placed pillows can get the two of you into different angles that trigger different sensations for you. Maybe fantasizing is integral for you, even when you're with your partner (could that be part of why you can reach orgasm faster alone than with your boyfriend?). Any or all of these is fine -- there's no one right way to achieve orgasm, or even to have sex.
posted by scody at 12:55 PM on September 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm not clear on the grinding - how does that work? Seems the long way round by any route.
posted by A189Nut at 1:01 PM on September 29, 2006

The coital alignment position is perfect for a grinder is it not? I have never consciously tried it though.

My girlfriend always gets off when she's on top and I make a conscious effort to keep our pubic bones allined while she grinds away. I think it might be the same or similar to the inverse coital alignment position. I usually need to be much more vigorous so we take turns.

If you've got the stamina try riding your boy till you get tired. My girlfirend can always find the one angle that get the job done in under 5 minutes. He will get a nice show and can play with your breast and ass.
posted by robofunk at 1:54 PM on September 29, 2006

I would suggest not using the vibrator for a while, because vibrators can sometimes, if used a lot, de-sensitize the clitoris.
posted by essexjan at 2:55 PM on September 29, 2006

Have you tried masturbating in front of your boyfriend?

Unless he's got some real baggage, it's likely to be at least a bit of a turn-on for him. And if you get in the habit of doing in when he's there, he can start to experiment with "participating" in small ways — maybe some kissing, maybe some cuddling, maybe more — to see what helps get you off and what just distracts you.

(On the other hand, if even masturbating in front of your boyfriend takes an hour and a half, then it sounds like your problem is performance anxiety, not position or technique. Other folks here have given you good advice on that, and I don't think I have much to add.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:08 PM on September 29, 2006

It could be a pacing thing. Perhaps you only really need 10 continuous minutes of exactly the right kind of stimulation. But if he's looking up and talking to you every 5-8 minutes, that would break the rhythm.

I'm sure there is also a psychological element to it. It sounds like you are experiencing some guilt and frustration while this is all happening, and neither of those is a sexy emotion. Now that you've got some pent-up feelings about it, they're bound to recur every time.

Take scody's advice and give your expectations a reset. Taking the option of an orgasm off the table completely is the only way to remove that pressure. You can accomplish this by having sex when there are only 20 minutes available. Like in the morning when you all have to get up and start your day and don't have 90 minutes to wile away.

You might also experiment with masturbating alongside your boyfriend. If you are able to reach a different mental state or pacing rhythm on your own, it might help for him to be part of that, learn what it is, etc.

Good luck! I definitely see why you're frustrated but be sure to keep a positive outlook. Having a good partner and functional orgasms is a great place to start from.
posted by scarabic at 7:39 PM on September 29, 2006