Am I too sensitive?
April 5, 2024 12:01 PM Subscribe
I have two queries, the first a low stakes question about a low stakes situation, whether or not to cancel a first date. Second, what’s your assessment of my personal barometer; are you seeing the yellow flags I’m seeing?
I know how petty and silly this reads, but please give it the sniff test and tell me your thoughts.
I matched with Kim on a dating app. We exchanged a few texts and made first date plans for about a week out. Having overthought it to death, I feel like she made a plausibly-deniable negative first impression?! As in: an impression that she lowkey pooh-poohs stuff and yucks people’s yum because she, in fact, lowkey pooh-poohed stuff and yucked my yum. But I don't know!
I’m in my forties. For most of my 20s-30s I was in an intense and not-super-healthy relationship. Being single is my jam. I love where I’m at right now, and I’m transparent on dating platforms that I am not looking for a partner, just a casual affair with the right, like-minded person. To be clear, I recognize my own avoidant tendencies, some overthinking, slow-processing, and emotional dysregulation, so the second yellow flag in this question is me. I acknowledge I might be letting my baggage trip me up.
Here’s my description of the negativity:
In one of her profile photos, Kim was holding a cute frosted 40th birthday cake with lit candles 4 and 0. My opening message when we matched was to comment on the cake, saying it looks amazing, and asking how her 40s are treating her. Her first message back was that the cake was “actually pretty gross.” And she asked if I’ve been enjoying the weather.
I commented that I’m not sure I’ve ever encountered a gross cake before (laugh emoji). And, yes, nice weather, etc., but I love all the weather in our region, having moved here from elsewhere and appreciating its difference from my home-region. I asked if she had any sunny weather plans on the horizon.
She said, “It was pumpkin spice, Ick.” And continued, she likes how our region’s typical climate “scares people away.” Then asked about meeting for a happy hour drink.
I agreed to a date and suggested a nearby top-rated brewpub, should she be a beer person, saying it has “flights I’ve been dying to try,” and I named one other happy hour spot at a LGBT+ themed bar (we’re both women). I expressed my fairly open availability coming up, and said I’d be willing to go elsewhere, too; just wanted to offer a couple ideas.
She said liked the LGBT+ bar, but the brewery didn’t “look appetizing” to her. She also suggested Bar C, and two nights she’s available.
I went with the Bar C suggestion, and that’s where I’ll meet her if I don’t cancel.
So, to recap: her opening response to me was that her cake was “actually pretty gross.” Her second message clarified that “ick” is how she feels about a particular flavor AND that she likes when people are “scared away [from moving to/visiting? our city]”. Her third message said the brewpub “doesn’t look appetizing” in response to my describing it as having something “I’ve been dying to try.” Her fourth message was a neutral confirmation but, was that a lot of negativity or what?
See, my heart already hurts. Crouton petters will feel me on this. Somebody baked that pumpkin spice cake, frosted it, decorated it and, if that was an anonymous baker, it was probably someone who loves Kim that picked out the birthday candles and treated the whole thing with care. They asked Kim to hold the cake and have her picture taken on that milestone birthday. Does “Ick” and “actually pretty gross” indicate the bad outweighs the good?
And her saying the brewpub doesn’t look appetizing in response to my describing it as having something I’ve been dying to try, hits weird. AFAIK we’re both monolingual Americans and therefore speak the same language pretty much. I’m putting a lot of weight on why “doesn’t look appetizing” were the words she went with. I like directness, but it’s pinging my antenna. It’s totally comparable to the Bar C suggestion.
If you were in my shoes, would you be approaching this with any trepidation? Would you even think of cancelling the date?
I know how petty and silly this reads, but please give it the sniff test and tell me your thoughts.
I matched with Kim on a dating app. We exchanged a few texts and made first date plans for about a week out. Having overthought it to death, I feel like she made a plausibly-deniable negative first impression?! As in: an impression that she lowkey pooh-poohs stuff and yucks people’s yum because she, in fact, lowkey pooh-poohed stuff and yucked my yum. But I don't know!
I’m in my forties. For most of my 20s-30s I was in an intense and not-super-healthy relationship. Being single is my jam. I love where I’m at right now, and I’m transparent on dating platforms that I am not looking for a partner, just a casual affair with the right, like-minded person. To be clear, I recognize my own avoidant tendencies, some overthinking, slow-processing, and emotional dysregulation, so the second yellow flag in this question is me. I acknowledge I might be letting my baggage trip me up.
Here’s my description of the negativity:
In one of her profile photos, Kim was holding a cute frosted 40th birthday cake with lit candles 4 and 0. My opening message when we matched was to comment on the cake, saying it looks amazing, and asking how her 40s are treating her. Her first message back was that the cake was “actually pretty gross.” And she asked if I’ve been enjoying the weather.
I commented that I’m not sure I’ve ever encountered a gross cake before (laugh emoji). And, yes, nice weather, etc., but I love all the weather in our region, having moved here from elsewhere and appreciating its difference from my home-region. I asked if she had any sunny weather plans on the horizon.
She said, “It was pumpkin spice, Ick.” And continued, she likes how our region’s typical climate “scares people away.” Then asked about meeting for a happy hour drink.
I agreed to a date and suggested a nearby top-rated brewpub, should she be a beer person, saying it has “flights I’ve been dying to try,” and I named one other happy hour spot at a LGBT+ themed bar (we’re both women). I expressed my fairly open availability coming up, and said I’d be willing to go elsewhere, too; just wanted to offer a couple ideas.
She said liked the LGBT+ bar, but the brewery didn’t “look appetizing” to her. She also suggested Bar C, and two nights she’s available.
I went with the Bar C suggestion, and that’s where I’ll meet her if I don’t cancel.
So, to recap: her opening response to me was that her cake was “actually pretty gross.” Her second message clarified that “ick” is how she feels about a particular flavor AND that she likes when people are “scared away [from moving to/visiting? our city]”. Her third message said the brewpub “doesn’t look appetizing” in response to my describing it as having something “I’ve been dying to try.” Her fourth message was a neutral confirmation but, was that a lot of negativity or what?
See, my heart already hurts. Crouton petters will feel me on this. Somebody baked that pumpkin spice cake, frosted it, decorated it and, if that was an anonymous baker, it was probably someone who loves Kim that picked out the birthday candles and treated the whole thing with care. They asked Kim to hold the cake and have her picture taken on that milestone birthday. Does “Ick” and “actually pretty gross” indicate the bad outweighs the good?
And her saying the brewpub doesn’t look appetizing in response to my describing it as having something I’ve been dying to try, hits weird. AFAIK we’re both monolingual Americans and therefore speak the same language pretty much. I’m putting a lot of weight on why “doesn’t look appetizing” were the words she went with. I like directness, but it’s pinging my antenna. It’s totally comparable to the Bar C suggestion.
If you were in my shoes, would you be approaching this with any trepidation? Would you even think of cancelling the date?
There are lots of ways to read these things. Maybe she's a complainer. Maybe she's a person who knows what she likes and what she doesn't like and is up front about those things. Maybe she's someone who needs to be in control at all times and doesn't trust anyone else to make decisions. Maybe she has particular dietary needs that one bar's menu addresses and the other doesn't.
If what you're looking for is someone who is upbeat and game, she might not be the right person for you. That doesn't have to be a problem with her, it can just be an incompatibility between the two of you.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:09 PM on April 5 [15 favorites]
If what you're looking for is someone who is upbeat and game, she might not be the right person for you. That doesn't have to be a problem with her, it can just be an incompatibility between the two of you.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:09 PM on April 5 [15 favorites]
I think go for a drink with her and get someone to call you / come up with a plausible out half an hour in if you're not feeling it. I understand what you're saying and I would feel the same way but some people come across badly over text.
If you feel like you're curious enough about her to see what she's like in person then go. If you find yourself dreading the date then cancel - life's too short.
posted by Laura_J at 12:10 PM on April 5 [4 favorites]
If you feel like you're curious enough about her to see what she's like in person then go. If you find yourself dreading the date then cancel - life's too short.
posted by Laura_J at 12:10 PM on April 5 [4 favorites]
Maybe she made that pumpkin spice cake her damn self. Kim sounds like my type, and you sound like the opposite of my type. I looooooove to complain, as do all my closest friends. If you want it bright and sunny all the time and thronging with happy smiles and get depressed by a wall of whine, maybe it won't work. But it's impossible to say from a few texts whether she's actually a champion Eeyore of the type I favor or a closet optimist who feels weird and awkward texting with a stranger, so if I were not me but you, I might still give her a chance. If I'm me in this situation, I'm there early, with posies and chocolates and special shoes on.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:12 PM on April 5 [25 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 12:12 PM on April 5 [25 favorites]
The other thing is that some people are strongly taught not to brag, for etiquette or superstitious reasons, and saying "yes, it was an amazing cake baked for me by my amazing and overflowing group of friends!" would feel like daring the universe to smite them. Could just be that?
posted by slidell at 12:12 PM on April 5 [14 favorites]
posted by slidell at 12:12 PM on April 5 [14 favorites]
I read it the same as slidell, that it might be an attempt at self-deprecating humor. She can still not be your kinda person though! Enjoying your single life is a great vantage point from which to be dating, I think, and it's OK to be selective about who you spend time with, if you want to be.
posted by eirias at 12:16 PM on April 5 [3 favorites]
posted by eirias at 12:16 PM on April 5 [3 favorites]
You are allowed to skip this if you’re not feeling it! Your reasons are valid. Maybe it’s not like an Ultimate Flag that is a Key to her Inner Truth but if you’re not feeling it you don’t actually have to make up a whole bunch of reasons why maybe it’s okay anyway.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 12:18 PM on April 5 [6 favorites]
posted by jeweled accumulation at 12:18 PM on April 5 [6 favorites]
95% of a relationship is having boring conversations with your partner about nothing and whatever. If you don't like the way this person communicates after even these brief interactions, then you should move on.
posted by phunniemee at 12:19 PM on April 5 [16 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 12:19 PM on April 5 [16 favorites]
You will regret this if you go.
(You will also regret it if you don't go)
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:24 PM on April 5 [32 favorites]
(You will also regret it if you don't go)
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:24 PM on April 5 [32 favorites]
She sounds fun but anxious, just as uncertain how to talk to you as you are talking to her. Give it a shot. See if there's chemistry. If it doesn't work out, it was a bad date and that's all it is.
Don't borrow possible grief from the future. Don't sit with anxiety, put it on a shelf and get on with the business of living.
posted by seanmpuckett at 12:27 PM on April 5 [14 favorites]
Don't borrow possible grief from the future. Don't sit with anxiety, put it on a shelf and get on with the business of living.
posted by seanmpuckett at 12:27 PM on April 5 [14 favorites]
I am not a huge fan of negativity, but I also want to point out that you (perhaps unintentionally) escalated in your response about the cake. You said, "I’m not sure I’ve ever encountered a gross cake before (laugh emoji)." So, in fact, she might have felt put on the defensive and needing to say why it was gross.
See, my heart already hurts.... Somebody baked that pumpkin spice cake, frosted it, decorated it and, if that was an anonymous baker, it was probably someone who loves Kim that picked out the birthday candles and treated the whole thing with care. They asked Kim to hold the cake and have her picture taken on that milestone birthday.
Okay, also, this is a LOT of projection. A lot. This sounds more like Kim accidentally pushed a button that had nothing to do with Kim. Do you often feel unappreciated or unacknowledged by loved ones? What if Kim said, "I've never given pumpkin spice a real try, so I will for my 40th" or what if Kim said, "Pick me out a gross cake so I don't eat too much" to her friends, who then bought her least favorite flavor. This might have been a fun and hilarious situation with her friends, you know? So now I think you have a negative filter here.
I don't know, friend. I sorta think you are already feeling fighty with this person so you should cancel the date. I sorta think it's hard to find queer folks to date so it's worth a shot. And I sorta think you should go on this date and livestream it so we all can watch the fireworks.
Are you good at ending dates you don't want to be on once you can tell they're not going well? You don't need someone to call you. But you need the ability, if things aren't going well, to say something like, "Hey it was great to meet you but I'm not feeling it so I'm going to end things here. Hope you have a great night!" If you can do that, then I say to go on this date, partly because it will help you tell if your impression of someone online aligns with how they are in person.
Also, you said you are looking for something casual, not a partner. But are you filtering as if this is a super important and potentially long term relationship? If you're looking for casual, then going out with someone who is attractive and maybe interesting but not someone you'd want to be with long term might be just fine.
You can use whatever criteria you want, of course, and if you're not feeling it, then cancel the date. But it might be an interesting experience for you to go on the date and see what she's like in person. And please, if you do that, report back and let us know. I am now invested.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:39 PM on April 5 [47 favorites]
See, my heart already hurts.... Somebody baked that pumpkin spice cake, frosted it, decorated it and, if that was an anonymous baker, it was probably someone who loves Kim that picked out the birthday candles and treated the whole thing with care. They asked Kim to hold the cake and have her picture taken on that milestone birthday.
Okay, also, this is a LOT of projection. A lot. This sounds more like Kim accidentally pushed a button that had nothing to do with Kim. Do you often feel unappreciated or unacknowledged by loved ones? What if Kim said, "I've never given pumpkin spice a real try, so I will for my 40th" or what if Kim said, "Pick me out a gross cake so I don't eat too much" to her friends, who then bought her least favorite flavor. This might have been a fun and hilarious situation with her friends, you know? So now I think you have a negative filter here.
I don't know, friend. I sorta think you are already feeling fighty with this person so you should cancel the date. I sorta think it's hard to find queer folks to date so it's worth a shot. And I sorta think you should go on this date and livestream it so we all can watch the fireworks.
Are you good at ending dates you don't want to be on once you can tell they're not going well? You don't need someone to call you. But you need the ability, if things aren't going well, to say something like, "Hey it was great to meet you but I'm not feeling it so I'm going to end things here. Hope you have a great night!" If you can do that, then I say to go on this date, partly because it will help you tell if your impression of someone online aligns with how they are in person.
Also, you said you are looking for something casual, not a partner. But are you filtering as if this is a super important and potentially long term relationship? If you're looking for casual, then going out with someone who is attractive and maybe interesting but not someone you'd want to be with long term might be just fine.
You can use whatever criteria you want, of course, and if you're not feeling it, then cancel the date. But it might be an interesting experience for you to go on the date and see what she's like in person. And please, if you do that, report back and let us know. I am now invested.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:39 PM on April 5 [47 favorites]
I think focusing so hard on her words is the wrong idea. Different people could say those exact same things and have totally different meanings and motivations behind them. However, it sounds like you're apprehensive about her for some reason, and are focusing on her word choice as a way of explaining to yourself why you're getting this negative gut feeling about her.
That said, as an anxious overthinker myself, sometimes those feelings can be wrong. If I were in your position, I would go, but pay more attention to how I felt around her than any specific thing she said or did. You don't need reasons to support why you like or don't like being around someone.
posted by wheatlets at 12:42 PM on April 5 [4 favorites]
That said, as an anxious overthinker myself, sometimes those feelings can be wrong. If I were in your position, I would go, but pay more attention to how I felt around her than any specific thing she said or did. You don't need reasons to support why you like or don't like being around someone.
posted by wheatlets at 12:42 PM on April 5 [4 favorites]
None of your examples are yellow flags to me, personally. She sounds friendly and funny, and you're maybe reading a bit too much into some offhand light banter comments. I hate getting to know people via text and think you should go on the date if you can do so with an open mind and don't feel already put off by her. If not, then cancel. She may be a total personality mismatch for you but it's hard to know unless you meet her in person.
posted by emd3737 at 12:44 PM on April 5 [2 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 12:44 PM on April 5 [2 favorites]
I would never be this negative in an interaction with someone I’d just met and wanted to go on a date with, online or IRL. And I wouldn’t be into someone who negged their own birthday cake. If I made it and it sucked I’d turn into to a ~bit~. It’s totally fine to not be into her vibe. But I think you should just to see if maybe she’s got bad text banter. There’s probably nothing wrong with her and this is just an issue of compatibility. But yeah, I personally can’t get it up for someone with that bad of a chat. And you don’t have to either.
I’m a married gay woman but when I was dating I was v sensitive and would not go on dates if I perceived people as too negative, or they didn’t chat the way I did. Sometimes that’s important to people.
posted by spacebologna at 12:45 PM on April 5 [5 favorites]
I’m a married gay woman but when I was dating I was v sensitive and would not go on dates if I perceived people as too negative, or they didn’t chat the way I did. Sometimes that’s important to people.
posted by spacebologna at 12:45 PM on April 5 [5 favorites]
I would say it's fully valid either way. But I'd consider going anyway. I've previously been surprised by little alignment between text conversations before meeting, and conversation compatibility after meeting someone. Sometimes my assumptions are confirmed, but sometimes they're totally unexpected. And my current partner of 3 years is someone who I matched with on a dating profile but wouldn't have gone through with meeting - we just happened to meet in person instead. In the worst case, you have a bad time and have more information about whether your hunches were correct. As a fellow sensitive over-thinker, sometimes I need to push past things like this and just see what happens.
posted by lookoutbelow at 12:50 PM on April 5 [1 favorite]
posted by lookoutbelow at 12:50 PM on April 5 [1 favorite]
The only one of those comments that would bother me was the brewpub being unappetizing, and that's just because it's an incompatibility with you. All of this is a perfectly reasonable person who is not a good fit for you, whether she's very negative or has a sense of humor that you don't get or is picky about cake. So you should skip the date, because it's not a good investment of your time, but try not to make too sweeping an assumption about what you know about her as a person from these interactions.
posted by gideonfrog at 12:51 PM on April 5
posted by gideonfrog at 12:51 PM on April 5
I figured out what bugged me. It's this:
"See, my heart already hurts.... Somebody baked that pumpkin spice cake, frosted it, decorated it and, if that was an anonymous baker, it was probably someone who loves Kim that picked out the birthday candles and treated the whole thing with care. They asked Kim to hold the cake and have her picture taken on that milestone birthday."
It's like, do you know literally any of the above? No! Know who does know the whole story of the cake and whether or not it tasted good? Kim. So "I don't know if I ever had a sucky cake [subtext: you ungrateful grumpus]" probably rubbed her the wrong way. As someone who makes a Whole Lot of cakes and foists them off on friends and loved ones, I'm here to tell you: not all of it is delicious. The chocolate beet cake that I thought would work just like a carrot cake, for instance. Not a winner.
So I bet that "All cake deserves love!" got her goat the same way it got mine and that's why she said the brew pub sounded unappetizing. You guys are already fighting! Definitely go on the date: maybe it's one of those weird chemistry things where you have no shared culture but it somehow works. I'm in one of those right now. They're the best!
posted by Don Pepino at 12:58 PM on April 5 [15 favorites]
"See, my heart already hurts.... Somebody baked that pumpkin spice cake, frosted it, decorated it and, if that was an anonymous baker, it was probably someone who loves Kim that picked out the birthday candles and treated the whole thing with care. They asked Kim to hold the cake and have her picture taken on that milestone birthday."
It's like, do you know literally any of the above? No! Know who does know the whole story of the cake and whether or not it tasted good? Kim. So "I don't know if I ever had a sucky cake [subtext: you ungrateful grumpus]" probably rubbed her the wrong way. As someone who makes a Whole Lot of cakes and foists them off on friends and loved ones, I'm here to tell you: not all of it is delicious. The chocolate beet cake that I thought would work just like a carrot cake, for instance. Not a winner.
So I bet that "All cake deserves love!" got her goat the same way it got mine and that's why she said the brew pub sounded unappetizing. You guys are already fighting! Definitely go on the date: maybe it's one of those weird chemistry things where you have no shared culture but it somehow works. I'm in one of those right now. They're the best!
posted by Don Pepino at 12:58 PM on April 5 [15 favorites]
So I think Kim knows what she wants and is not afraid/unwilling to be upfront about that. For whatever reason, this gives you the ick. Personally, I find it refreshing in that she doesn't seem lik a sycophant and is willing to make her preferences known.
What's the harm in going? Should it turn out to be a great match, yay. Should it turn out to be a disaster, what a great story to share with your friends at the brew pub.
Either way, I would with all respectfulness say, get out of your head.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 1:00 PM on April 5 [1 favorite]
What's the harm in going? Should it turn out to be a great match, yay. Should it turn out to be a disaster, what a great story to share with your friends at the brew pub.
Either way, I would with all respectfulness say, get out of your head.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 1:00 PM on April 5 [1 favorite]
I would think absolutely nothing about the cake and weather conversations. I am a crouton petter (and a cake baker!) but that still seems like totally normal small talk to me, especially with you having leaned in to the topic of gross cake.
I might be mildly put off by the brewpub conversation, but not enough to cancel a date on the basis of that alone. So for many people I’d suggest giving a first date a chance, while keeping the bar for a second date pretty high.
In your case, though, where you’re having a great time being single and sound like you would have no problem holding out for just the right match for a casual thing, I don’t think there’s any particular harm in just skipping something you’ve already stressed yourself out about this much. Unless you’d be up for just treating it as a bit of practice at getting to know people and seeing how your intuitions about online chat match up to real life.
posted by Stacey at 1:03 PM on April 5 [2 favorites]
I might be mildly put off by the brewpub conversation, but not enough to cancel a date on the basis of that alone. So for many people I’d suggest giving a first date a chance, while keeping the bar for a second date pretty high.
In your case, though, where you’re having a great time being single and sound like you would have no problem holding out for just the right match for a casual thing, I don’t think there’s any particular harm in just skipping something you’ve already stressed yourself out about this much. Unless you’d be up for just treating it as a bit of practice at getting to know people and seeing how your intuitions about online chat match up to real life.
posted by Stacey at 1:03 PM on April 5 [2 favorites]
I don't think this is a case where you'll really know unless you meet her in person. The discomfort you're expressing here makes me think you'll probably be incompatible either way, but tone over text can be very difficult to calibrate and I think you're reading more into what she wrote than is there.
Based on these examples, I'm also Team Kim and not Team Your Response. My assessment is that yes, your barometer is too sensitive- but it's too sensitive for me, and maybe it's right on for you. I'm someone who is animated about what I like and about what I don't; I feel happy and at ease around people who are comfortable expressing and acknowledging a whole range of feeling and experiences from positive to negative, and I feel fake and constrained with Positive Vibes Only people, which is how this comes off. Come on, she's not even allowed to not like pumpkin spice? (And what if the person who lovingly baked and iced her amazing birthday cake was her ex who treated her like shit? You have no way to know.) She should go spend money at a place that doesn't have what she does like just to make nice with a stranger, rather than finding a mutually agreeable location? Imagine that one played out by four first dates a month, you know?
Those are my feelings. But you are allowed to want something different and prefer a softer communication style, and if you meet up with her and confirm she's not your speed, that's legit! Happy dating.
posted by wormtales at 1:07 PM on April 5 [6 favorites]
Based on these examples, I'm also Team Kim and not Team Your Response. My assessment is that yes, your barometer is too sensitive- but it's too sensitive for me, and maybe it's right on for you. I'm someone who is animated about what I like and about what I don't; I feel happy and at ease around people who are comfortable expressing and acknowledging a whole range of feeling and experiences from positive to negative, and I feel fake and constrained with Positive Vibes Only people, which is how this comes off. Come on, she's not even allowed to not like pumpkin spice? (And what if the person who lovingly baked and iced her amazing birthday cake was her ex who treated her like shit? You have no way to know.) She should go spend money at a place that doesn't have what she does like just to make nice with a stranger, rather than finding a mutually agreeable location? Imagine that one played out by four first dates a month, you know?
Those are my feelings. But you are allowed to want something different and prefer a softer communication style, and if you meet up with her and confirm she's not your speed, that's legit! Happy dating.
posted by wormtales at 1:07 PM on April 5 [6 favorites]
My read on how you've described the interaction is that Kim's trying to keep things short and shallow. She doesn't particularly want to chat by text, at least not at this stage of getting to know you. The story about the cake may be a big nothing or a heartwarming epic, but either way she isn't interested in texting about it.
"Unappetizing" sounds to me like she didn't care for the food options at the brewpub. She was commenting on something different than you were, rather than implying you have bad taste in beer.
As someone who really responds to how people write, I feel you on not being excited about her texting style. But she may just not be a written word person, and be much better face-to-face. I don't think it's worth canceling the date, but I get why the prospect of it isn't as exciting as it could've been if you were really into how she expressed herself.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:31 PM on April 5 [3 favorites]
"Unappetizing" sounds to me like she didn't care for the food options at the brewpub. She was commenting on something different than you were, rather than implying you have bad taste in beer.
As someone who really responds to how people write, I feel you on not being excited about her texting style. But she may just not be a written word person, and be much better face-to-face. I don't think it's worth canceling the date, but I get why the prospect of it isn't as exciting as it could've been if you were really into how she expressed herself.
posted by EvaDestruction at 1:31 PM on April 5 [3 favorites]
You're allowed to feel however you want and cancel the date. However, I think someone characterizing a cake they ate as something they didn't like isn't a good example at all of yucking someone else's yum. She literally ate it herself and didn't like it.
posted by augustimagination at 1:32 PM on April 5 [14 favorites]
posted by augustimagination at 1:32 PM on April 5 [14 favorites]
My experience is that people vibe differently in messaging than they do IRL. I've vibed great in text with IRL duds, I've vibed great IRL with people who I found a little disagreeable in text.
In your position I would figure out the in-person vibe before dunking this one. Plus, you're looking for something casual, not a Forever Person and if this doesn't work out you are still jamming on your happy single self. The stakes sound really low, tbh.
So, this internet stranger says go for it! You might waste an evening, but (shrug) that's life in the dating pits.
posted by Sauce Trough at 1:47 PM on April 5
In your position I would figure out the in-person vibe before dunking this one. Plus, you're looking for something casual, not a Forever Person and if this doesn't work out you are still jamming on your happy single self. The stakes sound really low, tbh.
So, this internet stranger says go for it! You might waste an evening, but (shrug) that's life in the dating pits.
posted by Sauce Trough at 1:47 PM on April 5
She sounds funny and a little mean. I like that, but if you don't, you don't. An internet stranger can't tell you if you're being too sensitive or not.
(My assumption would be that she was holding the cake to show how ok she is with being in her 40s, not that she likes cake, but my interpretation is based on the fact that most cakes are ick to me.)
posted by betweenthebars at 1:58 PM on April 5 [2 favorites]
(My assumption would be that she was holding the cake to show how ok she is with being in her 40s, not that she likes cake, but my interpretation is based on the fact that most cakes are ick to me.)
posted by betweenthebars at 1:58 PM on April 5 [2 favorites]
Sounds like someone who has no issues being clear with her boundaries to me.
posted by forkisbetter at 2:02 PM on April 5 [1 favorite]
posted by forkisbetter at 2:02 PM on April 5 [1 favorite]
“ We exchanged a few texts and made first date plans for about a week out. ”
Your communication has been a few texts.
That’s not a date— that’s just setting up the day and time to meet up.
So go have a date! It really is as low stakes as that…
posted by calgirl at 2:08 PM on April 5
Your communication has been a few texts.
That’s not a date— that’s just setting up the day and time to meet up.
So go have a date! It really is as low stakes as that…
posted by calgirl at 2:08 PM on April 5
Sounds like the conversations were all via text, no? You know what is absolutely terrible at actual tone and meaning - yep, you guessed it - text messages (email too for that matter)!
It's very hard to parse meaning when you can't actually see this person grinning or eye-rolling while they make a comment, if you can't hear them chuckling or being flippant.
It's possible Kim is sardonic and funny. It's possible Kim is contemptuous and judgy. I don't think you can really know until you meet in-person.
As a side-note, if you are writing from the Pacific Northwest you need to keep in mind that there is a long-established history of exaggerating the rainy weather, complaining about the dark, and generally being a half serious/half joking about scaring people away from what is actually an incredibly beautiful and lovely place to live. So Kim's jokes there would be completely on-brand.
posted by brookeb at 2:10 PM on April 5 [3 favorites]
It's very hard to parse meaning when you can't actually see this person grinning or eye-rolling while they make a comment, if you can't hear them chuckling or being flippant.
It's possible Kim is sardonic and funny. It's possible Kim is contemptuous and judgy. I don't think you can really know until you meet in-person.
As a side-note, if you are writing from the Pacific Northwest you need to keep in mind that there is a long-established history of exaggerating the rainy weather, complaining about the dark, and generally being a half serious/half joking about scaring people away from what is actually an incredibly beautiful and lovely place to live. So Kim's jokes there would be completely on-brand.
posted by brookeb at 2:10 PM on April 5 [3 favorites]
If this is a case of her being from (Pacific Northwest city) and you're from (very populated state to the south), then I love this potential here even more and think you all should go and either have a bar brawl or fall madly in love. Because I am also seeing that you disagreed with her again. She asked about the sunny weather, a common question in the PNW when we get it in winter, and you said, "And, yes, nice weather, etc., but I love all the weather in our region, having moved here from elsewhere and appreciating its difference from my home-region."
All cakes are good! All weather is good! But all women who say otherwise are bad!
If you're someone who has been told in the past you are being passive-aggressive, I think it's worth taking this chat to a friend and asking them in person to see if you're doing that here. But also, go, because yeah, the vibes can feel weird via chat but be fine in person.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:36 PM on April 5 [9 favorites]
All cakes are good! All weather is good! But all women who say otherwise are bad!
If you're someone who has been told in the past you are being passive-aggressive, I think it's worth taking this chat to a friend and asking them in person to see if you're doing that here. But also, go, because yeah, the vibes can feel weird via chat but be fine in person.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:36 PM on April 5 [9 favorites]
I'll be honest, I really had to do some digging to figure out what you found negative or heartbreaking about her responses (until you provided the context about the cake). I was like "this seems like a completely regular conversation to me." But maybe I'm just a downer crank!
I don't really feel like there's much point in going on a date with someone that you're not at all excited to meet, and it sounds like the text exchange has kind of killed your excitement about it, so there's that.
But only one of your questions is "should I go on a date." The question in your title is "am I too sensitive." You're as sensitive as you are and you should totally save your energy for people who jibe with that. But it seems to me that you're getting negativity/conflict from the fact that she doesn't share your assessments of things and this is something that might be healthy and worthwhile to explore, because sometimes that impression comes from an unhealthy place. (Like, for example, unhealthy patterns in your previous relationship, or with an unpredictable parent.)
Again, maybe you just will never like someone with her style and you want someone who will do a little more delicate emotional work around expressing opinions, and that's fine. But it's always good to dig into why you want the things you want.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:38 PM on April 5 [12 favorites]
I don't really feel like there's much point in going on a date with someone that you're not at all excited to meet, and it sounds like the text exchange has kind of killed your excitement about it, so there's that.
But only one of your questions is "should I go on a date." The question in your title is "am I too sensitive." You're as sensitive as you are and you should totally save your energy for people who jibe with that. But it seems to me that you're getting negativity/conflict from the fact that she doesn't share your assessments of things and this is something that might be healthy and worthwhile to explore, because sometimes that impression comes from an unhealthy place. (Like, for example, unhealthy patterns in your previous relationship, or with an unpredictable parent.)
Again, maybe you just will never like someone with her style and you want someone who will do a little more delicate emotional work around expressing opinions, and that's fine. But it's always good to dig into why you want the things you want.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:38 PM on April 5 [12 favorites]
You guys! You all won't believe this. I just got a message notification from a dating app, and I opened it up and had a message from a new match with a woman with this exact photo. I swear I am not lying. I am so sure it's the same person. Mods, I know you might have to delete this comment but OMG it's a small queer world. I can confirm the cake looks delicious. Also I am currently laughing with tears streaming down my face.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:00 PM on April 5 [67 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 3:00 PM on April 5 [67 favorites]
Everyone has different tastes and vibes. Maybe you'll like this person when you meet - to me I'd rather just have the in-person meeting and check the vibe that way - but nothing wrong if this isn't the vibe for you!
I've been in a few long term relationships and I believe this deeply: You know what your relationship issues will be on the first date. Maybe in the first email. If you don't like this person's negativity now, you will definitely still have an issue with it in 10 years.
posted by latkes at 3:08 PM on April 5
I've been in a few long term relationships and I believe this deeply: You know what your relationship issues will be on the first date. Maybe in the first email. If you don't like this person's negativity now, you will definitely still have an issue with it in 10 years.
posted by latkes at 3:08 PM on April 5
Response by poster: bluedaisy so, like, what are you doing Tuesday?
posted by shocks connery at 3:09 PM on April 5 [67 favorites]
posted by shocks connery at 3:09 PM on April 5 [67 favorites]
I read this again, and your thought process here reminds me of mine when I'm slightly depressed - the way you described feeling bad for the cake, analyzing her word choices a lot, and reading negativity into things that are ambiguous. Because of that, I'm changing my answer to 100% definitely go. Maybe I'm totally misreading it and you think very differently, but that thought process reminds me of times when I've almost talked myself out of something I ended up really enjoying.
posted by wheatlets at 3:10 PM on April 5 [1 favorite]
posted by wheatlets at 3:10 PM on April 5 [1 favorite]
The only one of her remarks that might strike me as too negative is the one about the brewpub you suggested not looking appetizing. (And that doesn't seem terrible. You wanted her input on where to go and she might have felt she ought to give some reason for not wanting to go with the brewpub. You don't own the brewpub or cook the food there, so she may have made the reasonable assumption that you would not be personally offended if she didn't think the food looked appetizing.)
To me, commenting that something tasted gross or that you don't like a particular flavor is no big deal and not rude. You didn't make the cake or invent pumpkin spice flavor or even mention that you liked pumpkin spice flavor. And even if you did, why would you care if someone else said they didn't like it? If someone dislikes a flavor you like, it's safe to assume they don't judge you for liking it. We all know tastes in food are subjective, varied and unimportant. They have no moral connotations.
And her comment about your area's weather was a positive one! She said she likes how it scares people away - implying that she herself likes the area and the weather and is happy that not everyone wants to live there.
posted by Redstart at 3:54 PM on April 5
To me, commenting that something tasted gross or that you don't like a particular flavor is no big deal and not rude. You didn't make the cake or invent pumpkin spice flavor or even mention that you liked pumpkin spice flavor. And even if you did, why would you care if someone else said they didn't like it? If someone dislikes a flavor you like, it's safe to assume they don't judge you for liking it. We all know tastes in food are subjective, varied and unimportant. They have no moral connotations.
And her comment about your area's weather was a positive one! She said she likes how it scares people away - implying that she herself likes the area and the weather and is happy that not everyone wants to live there.
posted by Redstart at 3:54 PM on April 5
Your interpretation is, ironically, very un-generous and I think if you’re this picky it’ll be almost impossible to meet someone. It’s fine if you don’t want to go, but finding problems where there are none will only hold you back.
posted by Amy93 at 6:03 PM on April 5 [3 favorites]
posted by Amy93 at 6:03 PM on April 5 [3 favorites]
Opposites attract—this could work out to pretty cool chemistry in person. Or do you require your casual hookups to have your same outlook?
Also, as others have mentioned, YOU actually went pretty negative here! Re: the cake, you turned the most lighthearted inoffensive remark into an issue with negativity attached. “Icky pumpkin spice cake!” is a totally standard basic thing to say but in your mind, it becomes “You hate your friends and hurt my heart and I don’t even want to meet you.” The Debbie Downer here is you!
I actually would’ve felt a bit stung by someone saying my selection was “unappetizing,” but not stung enough to cancel.
posted by kapers at 6:12 PM on April 5 [2 favorites]
Also, as others have mentioned, YOU actually went pretty negative here! Re: the cake, you turned the most lighthearted inoffensive remark into an issue with negativity attached. “Icky pumpkin spice cake!” is a totally standard basic thing to say but in your mind, it becomes “You hate your friends and hurt my heart and I don’t even want to meet you.” The Debbie Downer here is you!
I actually would’ve felt a bit stung by someone saying my selection was “unappetizing,” but not stung enough to cancel.
posted by kapers at 6:12 PM on April 5 [2 favorites]
My read on how you've described the interaction is that Kim's trying to keep things short and shallow.
Yeah, so I find this entire described interaction and dynamic FASCINATING, but agree with the poster above.
Here's how it looks to me.
You start off saying right there on the dating site that you are not in it for serious. No uhauling here, casual affairs only!
Then, when a woman gives you extremely casual vibes, you find it offputting. Why doesn't she have emotions about the people who care about her or the feelings of others!
It sounds like rather than actually wanting to keep things casual, you kind of want a free exit strategy, where you're not on the hook for any actual relationship commitment, but still get the benefit of the other person being emotionally invested and caring and crouton-petting. That's not what casual affairs are. Casual affairs are not crouton petters. That is just the avoidance talking.
This may sound harsh, and I don't mean it that way - I date a reformed avoidant who lived like this for a lot of their life. But like - it made them deeply unhappy and I think it will make you that way too. I think you need to figure out what you actually want and what you're willing to give before you start assessing the color of the flags.
posted by corb at 7:28 PM on April 5 [5 favorites]
Yeah, so I find this entire described interaction and dynamic FASCINATING, but agree with the poster above.
Here's how it looks to me.
You start off saying right there on the dating site that you are not in it for serious. No uhauling here, casual affairs only!
Then, when a woman gives you extremely casual vibes, you find it offputting. Why doesn't she have emotions about the people who care about her or the feelings of others!
It sounds like rather than actually wanting to keep things casual, you kind of want a free exit strategy, where you're not on the hook for any actual relationship commitment, but still get the benefit of the other person being emotionally invested and caring and crouton-petting. That's not what casual affairs are. Casual affairs are not crouton petters. That is just the avoidance talking.
This may sound harsh, and I don't mean it that way - I date a reformed avoidant who lived like this for a lot of their life. But like - it made them deeply unhappy and I think it will make you that way too. I think you need to figure out what you actually want and what you're willing to give before you start assessing the color of the flags.
posted by corb at 7:28 PM on April 5 [5 favorites]
+1 I think you should go to the meeting... Not even really a date-date yet! Just to see what happens and how you feel about it all. 50-50 she's incompatible with you or this is a awkward text exchange with zero context and tone of voice information
posted by Jacen at 7:39 AM on April 6
posted by Jacen at 7:39 AM on April 6
I tend to feel 50-50 about this. I was raised deep-deep-deep in Guess-ville and do like a certain degree of cheesy positivity and diplomacy ("not appetizing"? if you can't say anything nice...) so I get it if you can already tell she isn't a good match. In her shoes, I would have put a laugh emoji after calling something gross to be clear that I was saying it in a light-hearted way. Then you say "I’m not sure I’ve ever encountered a gross cake before (laugh emoji)." I totally get the inclination to lighten a moment that might've been a little heavy, and in conversation that might've worked. But here it does come across a little bit like challenging her sense of reality ("is that possible?") or even as rejecting her reality and then laughing about it high-handedly ("that's not a thing, you silly person! hahaha! your feelings of disliking something are invisible to me!") so her explaining further seems justified. I think in even a very balanced reading, you asked for her to explain how it was possible (if not justify and defend her feelings). I also agree that there's some possibility that she may have dissed your bar as a subconscious way of insisting that / seeing if her dislikes ARE going to be recognized as valid, though I don't think that's certain either. One other thing that might be worth weighing is that she suggested another bar and some times. So she's not someone with no likes who wants to sit around saying "that sucks," "that sucks too," etc. Stepping away from my Guess background and thinking about having an adult relationship, I personally think she might be interesting -- for me a lot would depend on her tone (is she being harsh or matter-of-fact?) and whether she would also make space for my likes/dislikes.
tl;dr I'm 50-50 and think more info is needed so I'd probably go on the date if I were in your shoes.
posted by slidell at 6:44 AM on April 7
tl;dr I'm 50-50 and think more info is needed so I'd probably go on the date if I were in your shoes.
posted by slidell at 6:44 AM on April 7
DO NOT LEAVE US HANGING OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED NEXT OP DID YOU GO ON THE DATE
did you meet up with bluedaisy instead and/or in addition
please have mercy we need to know
posted by MiraK at 2:07 PM on April 10 [4 favorites]
did you meet up with bluedaisy instead and/or in addition
please have mercy we need to know
posted by MiraK at 2:07 PM on April 10 [4 favorites]
I me-mailed shocks and proposed a friend date for coffee or to that brewpub (charming, right?) and to find out if/how the date went. Have not heard back. I also let shocks know it sounds like we are looking for different things right now. I also did not message back the cake person.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:34 PM on April 10 [5 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 2:34 PM on April 10 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Quick update (this is my first time back to the site logged in in a while, so indeed I just saw bluedaisy's cool/friendly memail [to which I will personally respond, but I'll publicly admit being too shy to do at this moment]):
I decided to go ahead with the date, but Kim contacted me about 36 hours in advance, asking if we could reschedule it. And due to scheduling incompatibilities, that date is still a week+ away. I'll let y'all know...
Oh, and in those most recent messages, Kim seemed appropriately neutral-to-optimistic.
I do appreciate your responses so much! Thanks everybody.
posted by shocks connery at 8:49 AM on April 12 [9 favorites]
I decided to go ahead with the date, but Kim contacted me about 36 hours in advance, asking if we could reschedule it. And due to scheduling incompatibilities, that date is still a week+ away. I'll let y'all know...
Oh, and in those most recent messages, Kim seemed appropriately neutral-to-optimistic.
I do appreciate your responses so much! Thanks everybody.
posted by shocks connery at 8:49 AM on April 12 [9 favorites]
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posted by praemunire at 12:04 PM on April 5 [23 favorites]